Finale. Finally.

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Finally. The Bachelorette finale—the end to the most dramatic season ever—was aired last night. For quite some time Monday nights have been my favorite. Watching the Bachelor/ette has been fairly cathartic, a chance to zone out a bit, laugh and watch a train wreck happening while knowing full well that it's not my train wreck to have to deal with. But over the last six weeks or so (with the exception of the Men Tell All), I have found myself more and more reluctant to watch it. The show got me more hyped up and anxious rather than relaxed. And...wait for it...I almost opted not to watch it last night!!! Gilmore Girls sounded so much more appealing! But alas, I did watch it and as I sit here and write I feel a major sense of relief. 

My desire is to live life as drama free as possible. I mean, sure, the sheer fact that we are humans in relationships means we cannot eliminate drama and chaotic situations entirely. The fact that we all have different opinions, preferences and values, means that at some point or another drama has the potential to happen. 

One of the things I love the most about having my own office is that it is a sacred space for other people to come and share their stories (...and drama) and then, when I am done at the end of the day, I can close my door, lock it and literally walk away from all that I heard that day. I get paid to deal with chaos in my professional life so I shy away from immersing myself in it in my personal life. I have made boundaries with relationships (of all levels of depth) to ensure that the people I most closely surround myself with aren't interested in stirring things up or aren't always found at the center of drama with other relationships in their lives. Drama makes me tired. It makes me anxious and I can feel it in my entire body. It makes me want to run away, to hide and sometimes to isolate.

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During one of the most difficult periods of my life, when I was dating my abusive ex-boyfriend, I was introduced to a group of people who later became my friends. While I was honored to be interacting with these people as I had heard so much about them from my ex, I slowly started to realize that anytime I was with them there was some major crisis, fight, gossip and general drama that presided over the room. My head would literally spin trying to keep everyone’s stories straight, knowing who I could talk to about what and fearing that if I said the wrong thing it would somehow get back to someone who would then start talking about me. The best word I can use to describe it is yucky. In fact, the drama of those relationships had such a deep impact on me that I still sometimes worry that if I invite new people into my life that it will become dramatic all over again. The mere thought of that sounds so unappealing to the point that I would rather just be by myself sometimes.  

[Note: drama and conflict are not interchangeable. Conflict doesn't have to be bad--in fact it can be healthy to disagree with someone, as long as both parties are committed to having appropriate and healthy responses rather than going on the defense and reacting inappropriately. Drama almost certainly leads to conflict; conflict does not have to lead to drama.]

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks on Mondays that I have not had as much exuberance about turning The Bachelorette on, but it took me until last night to consciously realize that my waning interest in my Monday night rituals made me feel as if I had never left my office. Or that I was back in a world where drama and chaos characterized all of my relationships. My head would spin back then and it has certainly been spinning the last few Monday nights! 

This whole concept has really gotten me thinking though. It’s been humbling to realize how many times I do things because I think I am supposed to, because I feel incapable of changing things, because others expect something from me or because questioning the status quo would be perceived as inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a people-pleaser (though I do go through periods where I can be!) but sometimes in those dramatic situations it’s like a car accident that you don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take your eyes off of! 

What I realized last night about the anxiety that The Bachelorette gives me is somewhat of a culmination of what I have been trying to be mindful of in the last year or so. Being in tune with myself, paying attention to the signals my body gives to me, recognizing how I am feeling in the moment, re-vamping areas of my life that feel overwhelming and recognizing the things that give me life, joy and peace. These acts of mindfulness and awareness have de-dramatized my life in such a way that it makes it easier to spot (almost instantly) when something is happening around me that seems to be the opposite of what I value the most. 

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I am grateful for the 6 month break when the new season of The Bachelor will begin airing...hopefully the time off will allow me time to decompress from the chaos that was this season. Truth be told, I don’t foresee anytime in the near-ish future that I would stop watching this show altogether! That being said, knowing how this show has the potential to decrease my desire for peaceful living will now become a sort of filter and may even mean shutting the TV off when I need to—trusting that perhaps my mental sanity is more important than having an episode to dissect at the water cooler the next morning (…not that I have a water cooler, but you get what I mean!)







©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Unlovable?

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The entire season of the Bachelorette has led up to the most recent and amazing episode. Yes, yes, I know that the finale is next week where we are sure to be faced with the “most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history…”, but the episode I am excited for all season is the "Tell All" in which so many questions are answered, there is a free for all in terms of topic, unfiltered comments and we are privy to some off camera antics that we were not aware of during the season. And considering how much drama covered this season, it was sure to be a doozy. I am not joking when I say that one of my bucket list items is to go to a taping of a Tell All...the actual taping lasts sometimes 8-10 hours and we only get to see about an hour and forty minutes...but, I'll take what I can get!

There are many different directions I have thought about writing about in response to the most recent episode: how often people's hatred behind a computer screen seems to disregard the humanity, emotions and soul of the one they are berating... how so many of the guys who barely spoke a full sentence during the season stole the spotlight with their opinions (which, in my opinion were not only not well formulated, but lacking in actual experiences with Kaitlyn to be able to accurately assess the situation…) to the love or hate relationship that people have with our Bachelorette based on a few moments they spend with her each week on TV with about 7 million other people watching. But, lest I hop down a few too many bunny trails, there were a few moments of truth and honesty that, regardless if they were 'made for TV moments', ignited a very eerie sense of "...I know exactly what he is talking about because I am terrified of that too..."

Let me introduce you to Ben Higgins, a 26 year old from Denver who is also likely to be the next Bachelor (thank you lord!) He came in third place, right behind the two kings of drama—Nick and Shawn—but throughout the season carried himself with poise, certainty, sensitivity, confidence and a sort of groundedness that is not only rare for a 26 year old but you could almost feel coming through the TV screen. If only he were 10 years older and lived closer to me...a girl can dream! As we re-watched his "journey" on the Bachelorette there was a replay of a heart tugging moment in which he confesses to Kaitlyn that he fears that there is something wrong with him and that he is unlovable.

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I remember the statement when he originally said it but it really caught my attention when it was replayed last night—perhaps because as we were watching the replay, Ben's face was shown at the bottom of the screen and we got to see his own reactions to the things that he said and what Kaitlyn said to him. A hush seemed to fall over the audience as Ben's comment of wondering if he was unlovable was where we were left hanging in the clip of him that was shown. Chris Harrison, the host and wanna-be therapist, didn't miss a beat and immediately asked Ben if he really felt that way. (And I would imagine there were probably a hundred women who were ready to come to his rescue and profess to him how lovable he actually was, but I digress.) 

In his usual concise and confident manner, Ben answered that he indeed did wonder about that and that it was a legitimate fear of his. He then added on that if he had to guess, he didn't think there would be anyone who at some point didn't wonder if there was something wrong with them or if they were unlovable. Too bad he couldn't see me raising my hand and pointing at myself as he articulated that comment. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know so keenly how real a fear like that is. 

That thought of “what is wrong with me” is such a devastating thought. It automatically provides me with a downward spiral of focusing on all of the things that are wrong with me that I need to fix (which are, of course, very subjective given the day or season, the meal I just ate or the workout class that I just skipped) in order to not only have nothing wrong with me but to make myself a lovable person. It’s easy to get caught up bargaining with myself with those if/then statements as I try to find all of the tangible ways to improve myself in order to be loved. And truth be told, focusing on this doesn’t lead to productive activity, it only sinks me further into that pit of shame. 

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Those thoughts are also triggered within me when a relationship ends, when I feel forgotten about or when it seems as though I am invisible. It’s only natural, for me, in those moments to wonder if there is something so unappealing about me that is clear to the world and hidden to me. And, because most of the time people who leave our lives (or the ones we feel forgot us) don’t give us an explanation as to their actions, we are left to surmise what happened and put into place an action plan to ensure this type of thing won’t happen again. Surely, we believe—I believe—this will take away the hurt and the pain. Surely this will keep pushing me into the lovable category. 

I’ve thought a lot about this concept of feeling alone, wondering if there is something wrong with me and feeling unloveable. We are living in a world where connection—to others, to information, to other cultures—are all just a click away. And yet more than ever people are feeling lonelier, more depressed and disconnected from actual people. In my opinion, this has to fuel the daunting thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me! My Twitter followers don’t offer to hang out on a lonely Friday night, my obsession with amazon.com only provides me with a mail carrier that likely thinks I am a compulsive shopper and while Tinder tells me I could likely have a one-night-stand with anyone of my choice, the offer doesn’t come with a guarantee that he will still be there the next day when I realize that I am still asking those same daunting questions. 

As an introvert by nature, I do not readily gravitate towards large social situations or seek to place myself in situations where I know no one (or have to make lots of small talk!) It’s easy for me to not only justify but need a night in with a good book or binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I have come to realize that part of who I am sometimes requires those things—the down time in order to re-fuel for whatever the next day or week beholds. But as much as I adore Lorelai and Rory Gilmore and as fascinated as I am by the memoirs I read, as soon as I shut the TV off or close the book, I cannot deny that I have gone hours perhaps without any real human connection. Nor can I deny that when I check my phone I see no missed texts or phone calls. I should probably seriously consider a rent-a-friend program to get me out and about! 

If Ben H., the good looking, successful, outstanding Bachelor-to-be can struggle with wondering what is wrong with him and questioning his lovability and the same is true for me then surely there are many other people who have this hidden struggle as well.

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And if not, then someone please introduce me to Ben H. so we can spend our days affirming and loving each other! 

We will all have experiences of someone not feeling the same way as we do. We will likely experience very real things that need to be worked on in our lives in order to make us a healthier and more whole person. We will get hurt, we will experience heartache, we will have those moments of disbelief or even pain as we grow. I know that the mere commonality of this human experience in most of us certainly doesn’t solve all of the problems to feeling unlovable or questions of what is wrong—but I do think that sometimes knowing that you are not alone can alleviate some of the shame and pressure. To know that there are other people who can be deeply empathetic with us if we would allow ourselves to courageously connect to another is healing in and of itself. Knowing there are other people who feel the same way might allow us to bravely engage with another, face our insecurities and take a risk towards fullness of life that, maybe…just maybe, might allow us to come to the reality that not only is there nothing wrong with us but that we matter and are loved by many. 

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

The Bachelorette, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Me (...and You)

Do you know what I have been doing for the last 24 hours in my spare moments? Trying to figure out how on earth I could find any redeeming moments from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette…even a resemblance of a redeeming moment would have been good. To be clear, there were a couple of respectable moments in which trust was built, people were honest and authentic and people having others’ best interests at heart, but outside of those rare little gems, it was another one of those “what did I just watch?” type episodes. I love me some good train wreck moments and drama but this is nearly overwhelming!

So, as I was thinking through what could be redeemable and applicable to write about I kept coming back to one of my favorite movies, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I probably shouldn’t share this with you but when the movie came out I saw it a couple times in the theater and then watched it every day for several days in a row when it came out on DVD. (I think I had a problem…) If you haven’t seen the movie it’s about 2 characters who, for work purposes, end up dating each other as a dare (unbeknownst to the other)—Ben’s goal was to try to get Andi to fall in love with him; Andi’s goal is to start dating a guy and, using all of the stereotypical and cliche female behaviors that tend to turn guys off, see if she could lose him in 10 days. And you can imagine what ensues:

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In some ways this movie is not too far off from the Bachelorette. Relationships that happen quickly, people's lives intertwined in a remarkably fast amount of time, a flood of emotions and the contestants playing the role of both Ben and Andi--trying to make the Lead fall in love with them while simultaneously (at time) pushing them away with their franticness to be seen as "husband material" or "wife material". (What is that anyways?!?) The one thing that we can count on is…you guessed it, drama. And sometimes this doesn’t feel too far from our lives as well; playing the dating game is this mixture of playing hard to get, putting yourself out there, a roller coaster of emotions, hypersensitivity and walls. In the movie, on the Bachelorette and in real life I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not intentionally or not, brought drama into the relationship. Sometimes it feeds our need for reassurance, sometimes it shows us the commitment level of the other person; sometimes we even do it to see if that other person can handle the good, bad and ugly that we inevitably bring to the table. 

Since Ben and Andi (in the movie) have 10 days to try and make this work, they often rush emotions, avoid important conversations and get too deep too quickly. They talk about the future, kids and even meet family within a week of getting to know each other. 

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Sound familiar? This is the literal description of the Bachelor/ette! People frantically trying to secure their spot with the Lead by putting themselves out there and sharing insane (and typically inappropriate) information about themselves in order to appeal to the person handing out the roses. Within mere weeks of meeting each other the Bachelorette must pick four men who's families she would like to meet. Serious conversations are had about what their future would look like together, if they want kids, where they would live and many other topics that, in my personal opinion, seem to be a bit hastily discussed, especially when the lead is still dating several other men at the same time! But really, haven’t you and I ever done this? I’ve talked before about earning the right to hear my story in a previous blog. Sadly, those conclusions I [finally] came to were born out of significant trial and error, most of it due to believing that if I could share enough of my story to this other person then perhaps they would see the real me, understand me and ultimately fall in love with me. While there were many times that the reason I shared so much of my story was because someone asked, their mere asking did not mean they needed to hear intimate details of my life. The fact of the matter is, too much too soon typically tends to overwhelm the other person (or you, if you’re on the receiving end) and before you know it, they’re gone!

Much of the drama around this season of the Bachelorette has been in regards to Kaitlyn’s personal choices and values around sex. We are all well aware by now that Kaitlyn was sexually intimate with one of the contestants, Nick, prior to the Fantasy Suite dates (where of course it is simply expected that the Bachelor/ette will sleep with each of the remaining three). For Ben and Andi on the movie it was on day three or four of knowing each other. In the case of Ben and Andi, sex was appealing thing to engage in to avoid a tough conversation. In the world of the Bachelorette sex is, for the most part, expected when you get to a certain point (Fantasy Suites) regardless of the actual time you have spent with someone (never mind this time being spent on camera where I would imagine it would be difficult to truly get to know each other since there is the underlying notion that any or all of it could be shared with a national audience!)

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My point is definitely not to throw judgement or my own sexual ethics and values out and say there is a certain way things need to be done. However, evidenced by the conversation Kaitlyn and Shawn had and the verbal brawl between Nick and Shawn over this same subject (of course, To Be Continued for next week…ugh…) it may be that delving into that area of a relationship too quickly (again, this can be subjective to each person) creates circumstances that are difficult to recover from. I mean heck, Ben and Andi were in couples therapy two days after they attempted being sexually involved with one another! Personally I have experiences of dating at both ends of the spectrum. Over a decade ago, for me, relationships looked a very specific way with a prescribed set of rules on how the relationship should go, including strict rules regarding physicality in a relationship (anything more than hand holding or a kiss on the cheek was frowned upon--certainly sex before marriage was considered to be a grave sin that one could likely never recover from). Entering the dating world again after leaving that culture behind opened my eyes to a completely different way of dating with completely different rules. For starters, there are no rules. Secondly, I learned that most people considered it incredibly normal and important to have sex by the 2nd or 3rd date. This is a far cry from the culture I grew up in! People say this is to see if there really is sexual compatibility and chemistry (which I agree are very important!) but it is devoid of an emotional connection and significant time spent together. In my experiences (including hearing stories of other people), generally rushing into sex within a few days or a week of getting to know someone tends to be, like Ben and Andi and the Bachelorette, difficult to recover from. 

One of my favorite parts of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, is the scene towards the end where Ben and Andi have a ‘musical snack’ for the crowd at a gala for Ben’s company. Of course by this point the truth has come out regarding both Ben and Andi’s true intention (despite the fact that, in true rom-com form, they are actually starting to fall for each other). Since they are so mad at each other their musical number is changed into singing to each other while sarcastically bashing one another. 

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I mean, if this isn't the theme of this dramatic season, then I don’t know what is! Besides the conversations surrounding Kaitlyn’s sexual activity, a major theme of the show has been guys backstabbing each other, guys complaining to Kaitlyn about other guys, guys telling Kaitlyn very disrespectful things about her and other guys actually encouraging guys to say those atrocious comments to Kaitlyn in the spirit of “letting her know how you truly feel” (I’m looking at you Nick Viall…). Usually this has happened when a guy has sensed that he was on his way out anyways—the floodgates opened as they had nothing to lose and it left Kaitlyn and many others scratching their heads in confusion. Though I have already addressed this  concept in a previous blog, it seems to be affirmed as true the further we get into this season. When Ben and Andi sang to each other it was an attempt to out the other person, share dirty laundry and have the last word in order to come out on top--fearing they would be devastated otherwise. Sadly there have been times where I knew a relationship was sinking quickly I said very mean things (usually packaged in a passive-aggressive manner) in order to save face. Unfortunately I have also been in the seat, many times, of having those mean things said to me by the other person in the relationship who is trying to save his face. Essentially the cliffhanger on this most recent episode was two guys verbally battling it out in order to make themselves look better and hopefully secure a long lasting relationship with Kaitlyn. It's human nature to want to protect ourselves if we feel threatened or in danger (even if it's not physical danger) we see it with Kaitlyn and her guys, Ben and Andi, and I see it in myself. Maybe you do too...?

I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie this all up and send you off with something profound to reflect on (of course, I never actually assume that!) In truth this episode seemed a bit dark and heavy and perhaps this is my attempt at bringing lightheartedness to some very awkward situations that can touch our lives as well. And maybe that’s what we all needed—at least it lets us catch our breath! Nevertheless…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

No Fear in the Moment

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Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

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Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Girls who have their $*!# together

I’m starting to feel like a broken record every week as I do my “Therapeutic Bachelorette Recaps” as I talk about the insane amount of drama on this season. If someone knows who I can contact to be the show’s therapist, please let me know; I would

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love to know what is going through the men’s heads as they say and do certain things! Weeding through the drama to find some sort of redeemable and universal relationship lesson has been no easy task but after sleeping on it there was something very familiar about last night’s episode that I have experienced many times in my adventure of dating—and I could guess that many of you have too. 

First, let me introduce you to Ian. Since night one  he has made it very clear that he was on the show for Kaitlyn (and not Britt). As he tells us his backstory that got him to this point, I think most of America’s hearts melted as we heard about a tragic accident he had with a prognosis of never being able to walk again (and he now runs marathons), quite the impeccable resume, graduated Princeton, used to model, is a good looking guy for sure and seems incredibly genuine and interested in finding someone to spend his life with. But despite all these accolades, Ian seems to fall into the background each episode. We see him and hear him from time to time, but the drama of the house has either severely overshadowed him or he has made it a point to hang back (or both). Nevertheless, Ian is painted as a guy who is there for, pardon the cliche, “the right reasons”. 

Well, until last night. 

Ian has finally had enough of this “in the background stuff” and lets production know that he is never the guy who hangs in the back of the pack. He’s confident, charming, can get any girl he wants (and even goes so far to say as he has a lot of sex with a lot of girls) and reiterates his resume, education, accolades and the fact that he has defied death. We hear from him that Kaitlyn is only half as hot as his ex-girlfriend and that he would be a perfect candidate for the next Bachelor.(Click the link for the video/his statements...it's pretty crazy!) In the final scene of the episode last night we see Ian asking Kaitlyn to talk at the Cocktail Party (before the Rose Ceremony) and he lays into her. He tells Kaitlyn that he expected to come into this situation with someone who was shattered and had just had her heart broken rather than looking for someone to ‘plow her field’ (bringing in a joke that she made from last season), that she was a shallow person and didn’t go beneath the surface, that he didn’t trust her or her intentions and was just there to make out with a bunch of guys. And then…To Be Continued. 

As I picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to process through what just happened, words would just not come to me. Normally after the show is over I filter through the different things that I could possibly write about but not last night…last night I had to shove it under the rug per say and start reading a lighthearted book before I went to bed! As I was on my way to my office this morning it suddenly hit me that the reason I was so stunned by these accusations towards Kaitlyn from Ian is because I have had, on multiple occasions, things like that said to me. 

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There’s this interesting thing about being single after 30—if we’ve been diligent we have likely gone to school and have a degree or two under our belts. We have likely established ourselves in our careers. We’ve probably been around the block a time or two with less than great relationships and learned how to pick ourselves back up, grieve, come to a place of acceptance and even learn from our mistakes in order to make us a better person. Maybe we have even had some great relationships that show us what we want. Perhaps we have done our own self work, we likely have our finances in order, we have learned to minimize the baggage we bring into relationships and started to understand what our triggers are, the things that are the most valuable to us and have thoughts and opinions on how life should be. We have learned how to be self-sufficient and independent and determined the difference between needing a partner and wanting a partner. It’s not that you can’t have those things before you are in your 30’s, it’s just that most of the time these things come with the territory of being in your 30’s (and above) and single (or single again). 

What I have learned in my dating experiences is that as much as a guy is attracted to the independence, self-sufficiency and self-knowledge these also are the things that can feel like a major threat. Ian’s statement last night “I thought you were going to come into this a shattered person after Chris Soules broke your heart…” suggests that he was looking for a woman that he could save, come to the rescue and be her hero. Finding out that those things were not what she needed can be a blow to the ego and causes one to have to reevaluate what the relationship is, including his own role in it. 

Many of the reasons that relationships I’ve been in that have deteriorated have been for those reasons: the guy is looking to be my knight in shining armor and I’m looking for someone to do life with. I’ve had conversations in which “he” (whomever I was dating at the time) was put off by the fact that I could easily financially support myself or that I made more money than him. I’ve had accusations thrown at me that I am psychoanalyzing “him” simply because I bring up something that is bothering me. I’ve dated guys who, after hearing bits and pieces of my story, want to be the hero of the situation in putting me back together and struggle when I a) don’t need them to put me back together or b) don’t want them to put me back together. I’ve been told that I am intimidating because of my educational degrees, the fact that I have built a business or that I am motivated to get things done. Each of these mentions of intimidations comes with a slew of excuses or accusations about who that person thinks I am because I don’t match the picture of who they thought I should be or who they wanted me to be. 

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When they find out that I don’t need them but rather just want them (which I think is way healthier anyways), it puts them into a frenzy of having to then determine if they can stay in a relationship with someone who is generally doing ok. And what I’ve come to find out is that guys really don’t like that. Ian really didn’t like that. In fact, I would tend to believe that guys might see that as a threat. I think Ian did. And you know what we do when we feel threatened? We defend ourselves. We say whatever we need to say, no matter how untrue or asinine it might be, we throw accusations, we puff ourselves up, we blame the other person, shift responsibility all in an effort to make ourselves feel better (and if we’re being honest here, this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationship settings, this can happen in all types of relationships).

Though I don’t know how the conversation between Ian and Kaitlyn ended (hence the “To Be Continued…”) knowing how Kaitlyn has conducted herself with the guys this season, she likely will reiterate that she is looking for a husband who encompasses the things that she values. And I don’t think she will be apologetic about not being the type of girl that Ian wants, even needs, her to be. Major props for that! 

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I used to think I needed to apologize for who I was, the things that I had accomplished or the successes that I worked hard to achieve in my life. Certainly I don’t want to come across boastful (or even intimidating, on purpose) to anyone, but to have to dial myself back in order to be the type of person that someone else needs me to be in order for them to feel comfortable and competent is codependency defined. Plus, I don’t want (nor do I think Kaitlyn wants) a guy who is intimidated by me or looks on me with pity in need of a savior. 

Be you. Unapologetically. A guy who is intimidated by a girl who has their shit together doesn’t deserve a rose anyways. 

Squirming in my Seat

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Well, we’re back to the therapeutic Bachelorette blogs! There are a lot of interesting dynamics in this season. If you’ve watched the show for any length of time it’s easy to see that Kaitlyn is a very different type of Bachelorette. She marches to the beat of her own drum, has a backbone, goes with her gut instincts and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone! In many ways, I think there are some pretty desirable qualities. Besides these things, we see her struggle through different decisions. She’s messy, she’s honest, she’s real and she doesn’t try to look like she has it all together, even in front of the guys. I’d say that’s about as authentic as you can get on a reality TV show! 

The season though has been characterized by one dramatic situation after another, and there seems to be no end in sight. Last night’s episode began and ended with it—and had me tweeting to the producers of the Bachelor to do an “after dark” segment (like the popular reality TV show “Big Brother”) so we can see what goes on behind the scenes! (I think I might need help…are there any support groups for people who care too much about the Bachelor?!?) 

So just as we think that things are finally about to slow down and return to the normal level of Bachelorette drama, another guy shows up on the scene and asks Kaitlyn if he can join the crew of guys who are pursuing her. But it’s not just any guy. Its Nick Viall (pronounced “vile”…which should tell you a bit about his character right off the bat.) This is the guy who was runner up on the last season of the Bachelorette (with Andi)—the same guy who publicized and shamed her in front of a national audience for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite. The same guy who stalked her all over the country trying to see if she would break up with the other guy and pursue the relationship with him. It’s all a little creepy to me. 

So Nick shows up.. and shakes things up. And shake things up, he did (and more than just my Bachelorette bracket for the season!) His presence literally shifted the entire dynamic of the episode (and the Twitterverse) and literally made me feel anxious as a viewer at home! What added to the drama was Kaitlyn’s own dilemma of what she should do. Should she let him stay? Should she send him home? What would the other guys think? Would she lose credibility? #firstworldproblems at its finest! 

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Throughout the episode we see her struggling to make this choice and all of her relationships with the guys this week are overshadowed by this other presence that is Nick Viall. I admit, I had a soft spot for Nick (at times) when he was on Andi's season. He didn't really care what the other guys thought and pursued her with an incredible amount of intent. I can appreciate that in a guy. But he had a creepy side to him—so much that you could almost feel it through the TV...his hidden grin, the way he spoke, the disinterest in making nice with guys in the house...it all seemed...off. Calculated. Like he had studied the "game" of the Bachelorette. Ok, enough about Nick. Nick is just doing what Nick does. 

However, Kaitlyn can't stop thinking about Nick, because she's not sure what to do. And because there was instant chemistry between them. And because she doesn't want the guys to think badly of her. And because she thinks there is maybe a possibility with Nick. She thinks about this so much that she brings it up with several guys during their one on one time with her. And, like I said above, while I can appreciate the authenticity of the struggle it was a little bit awkward to watch. She asked guys for their input, their feedback, what they thought of him in general and if she thought she should respond positively to his request to join the show. If the camera would have panned out, I’m sure we would have seen a lot of guys squirming. 

There were many moments where she asked the men to reassure her that they trusted what they had together despite the addition of another guy. 

And every time she went there with the guys, I kept thinking that this would be one of my worst nightmares! I can't even count the number of times I have been talking with a guy, thinking about him, hoping for a relationship and believing that it could happen only to have the "friend card" pulled, or even worse find out that while I am drooling over him,  his mind is off in another universe with another woman. It's terrible! And what makes it even worse is that I then have to sit and convince myself and the other person that everything is fine, when really I just want to crawl underneath the table and hide. (Not gonna lie, there was one time where I was sitting on a couch and a conversation like this happened and I literally did hide. Under a blanket. Don’t worry, I’ve fleshed it all out in therapy.) 

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I understand that this is all part of a made-for-TV drama, but the struggle is real people! It’s disheartening to feel that what you have with someone—the relationship you share with them—might not be enough to keep that person from looking at someone else with interest, admiration and curiosity towards the possibility of what could be! This, in part (along with a laundry list of other reasons) is why I would never, ever, wish to be on a show like that. Every deep fear, insecurity and vulnerability would be regularly tapped into and exposed and I don’t know if my little heart could handle it. 

So the realistic tie-in between reality TV and real life is there, but finding something redeeming out of it is a bit harder. Honestly, it’s not easy to stay out of the “poor-me-pity-cycle”. It’s much easier to take on the anxiety and desperation of the guys on the show and question everything about myself and what I thought was true. But I really don’t think that gets us anywhere. I think that only makes us more anxious, more depressed and more likely to sit in a space of shame. Asking yourself what you could have done better when someone else tells you that it’s “not you”, can sometimes be a dangerous spot! 

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The thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over comes from a little catch phrase  from a guy named Chip Dodd. He says, “tell the truth, feel your feelings and trust the process”. And I guess that’s the redeemable point for this blog as well. Keeping our feelings hidden, not allowing ourself to speak and feel our truth is what can exacerbate the emotions that we are trying so hard to avoid. Trusting the process might mean that in telling my truth I might find that I need something different than the option I am relentlessly pursuing right now. Or it might mean that I need to stay right here and ride this thing out. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s completely up to you. But it’s helpful to know that whatever you do decide CAN come from a place of honesty, authenticity and freedom rather than avoidance, numbing and denial. 

So, to Kaitlyn’s guys (and pretty much everyone else!), I get it. I get where you’re at. I get the frustration of having no stable ground to rest in, knowing that at any moment she could dissolve the relationship for someone who she is more compatible with. I know what it’s like to feel like your relationship is one thing and then find out that it’s not. I get it. Tell the truth. Feel your feelings. Trust the process. 

(And P.S. Nick…I think you might need to see someone about these stalker-like tendencies for women who are the Bachelorette… Oh, and Chris, Shawn, Daniel and Brady, if you wanna do a processing group therapy here in Nashville, I would be happy to facilitate!)

© 2015. Lainey Dreson. All Rights Reserved.