Unlovable?

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The entire season of the Bachelorette has led up to the most recent and amazing episode. Yes, yes, I know that the finale is next week where we are sure to be faced with the “most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history…”, but the episode I am excited for all season is the "Tell All" in which so many questions are answered, there is a free for all in terms of topic, unfiltered comments and we are privy to some off camera antics that we were not aware of during the season. And considering how much drama covered this season, it was sure to be a doozy. I am not joking when I say that one of my bucket list items is to go to a taping of a Tell All...the actual taping lasts sometimes 8-10 hours and we only get to see about an hour and forty minutes...but, I'll take what I can get!

There are many different directions I have thought about writing about in response to the most recent episode: how often people's hatred behind a computer screen seems to disregard the humanity, emotions and soul of the one they are berating... how so many of the guys who barely spoke a full sentence during the season stole the spotlight with their opinions (which, in my opinion were not only not well formulated, but lacking in actual experiences with Kaitlyn to be able to accurately assess the situation…) to the love or hate relationship that people have with our Bachelorette based on a few moments they spend with her each week on TV with about 7 million other people watching. But, lest I hop down a few too many bunny trails, there were a few moments of truth and honesty that, regardless if they were 'made for TV moments', ignited a very eerie sense of "...I know exactly what he is talking about because I am terrified of that too..."

Let me introduce you to Ben Higgins, a 26 year old from Denver who is also likely to be the next Bachelor (thank you lord!) He came in third place, right behind the two kings of drama—Nick and Shawn—but throughout the season carried himself with poise, certainty, sensitivity, confidence and a sort of groundedness that is not only rare for a 26 year old but you could almost feel coming through the TV screen. If only he were 10 years older and lived closer to me...a girl can dream! As we re-watched his "journey" on the Bachelorette there was a replay of a heart tugging moment in which he confesses to Kaitlyn that he fears that there is something wrong with him and that he is unlovable.

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I remember the statement when he originally said it but it really caught my attention when it was replayed last night—perhaps because as we were watching the replay, Ben's face was shown at the bottom of the screen and we got to see his own reactions to the things that he said and what Kaitlyn said to him. A hush seemed to fall over the audience as Ben's comment of wondering if he was unlovable was where we were left hanging in the clip of him that was shown. Chris Harrison, the host and wanna-be therapist, didn't miss a beat and immediately asked Ben if he really felt that way. (And I would imagine there were probably a hundred women who were ready to come to his rescue and profess to him how lovable he actually was, but I digress.) 

In his usual concise and confident manner, Ben answered that he indeed did wonder about that and that it was a legitimate fear of his. He then added on that if he had to guess, he didn't think there would be anyone who at some point didn't wonder if there was something wrong with them or if they were unlovable. Too bad he couldn't see me raising my hand and pointing at myself as he articulated that comment. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know so keenly how real a fear like that is. 

That thought of “what is wrong with me” is such a devastating thought. It automatically provides me with a downward spiral of focusing on all of the things that are wrong with me that I need to fix (which are, of course, very subjective given the day or season, the meal I just ate or the workout class that I just skipped) in order to not only have nothing wrong with me but to make myself a lovable person. It’s easy to get caught up bargaining with myself with those if/then statements as I try to find all of the tangible ways to improve myself in order to be loved. And truth be told, focusing on this doesn’t lead to productive activity, it only sinks me further into that pit of shame. 

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Those thoughts are also triggered within me when a relationship ends, when I feel forgotten about or when it seems as though I am invisible. It’s only natural, for me, in those moments to wonder if there is something so unappealing about me that is clear to the world and hidden to me. And, because most of the time people who leave our lives (or the ones we feel forgot us) don’t give us an explanation as to their actions, we are left to surmise what happened and put into place an action plan to ensure this type of thing won’t happen again. Surely, we believe—I believe—this will take away the hurt and the pain. Surely this will keep pushing me into the lovable category. 

I’ve thought a lot about this concept of feeling alone, wondering if there is something wrong with me and feeling unloveable. We are living in a world where connection—to others, to information, to other cultures—are all just a click away. And yet more than ever people are feeling lonelier, more depressed and disconnected from actual people. In my opinion, this has to fuel the daunting thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me! My Twitter followers don’t offer to hang out on a lonely Friday night, my obsession with amazon.com only provides me with a mail carrier that likely thinks I am a compulsive shopper and while Tinder tells me I could likely have a one-night-stand with anyone of my choice, the offer doesn’t come with a guarantee that he will still be there the next day when I realize that I am still asking those same daunting questions. 

As an introvert by nature, I do not readily gravitate towards large social situations or seek to place myself in situations where I know no one (or have to make lots of small talk!) It’s easy for me to not only justify but need a night in with a good book or binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I have come to realize that part of who I am sometimes requires those things—the down time in order to re-fuel for whatever the next day or week beholds. But as much as I adore Lorelai and Rory Gilmore and as fascinated as I am by the memoirs I read, as soon as I shut the TV off or close the book, I cannot deny that I have gone hours perhaps without any real human connection. Nor can I deny that when I check my phone I see no missed texts or phone calls. I should probably seriously consider a rent-a-friend program to get me out and about! 

If Ben H., the good looking, successful, outstanding Bachelor-to-be can struggle with wondering what is wrong with him and questioning his lovability and the same is true for me then surely there are many other people who have this hidden struggle as well.

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And if not, then someone please introduce me to Ben H. so we can spend our days affirming and loving each other! 

We will all have experiences of someone not feeling the same way as we do. We will likely experience very real things that need to be worked on in our lives in order to make us a healthier and more whole person. We will get hurt, we will experience heartache, we will have those moments of disbelief or even pain as we grow. I know that the mere commonality of this human experience in most of us certainly doesn’t solve all of the problems to feeling unlovable or questions of what is wrong—but I do think that sometimes knowing that you are not alone can alleviate some of the shame and pressure. To know that there are other people who can be deeply empathetic with us if we would allow ourselves to courageously connect to another is healing in and of itself. Knowing there are other people who feel the same way might allow us to bravely engage with another, face our insecurities and take a risk towards fullness of life that, maybe…just maybe, might allow us to come to the reality that not only is there nothing wrong with us but that we matter and are loved by many. 

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.