Unlovable?

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The entire season of the Bachelorette has led up to the most recent and amazing episode. Yes, yes, I know that the finale is next week where we are sure to be faced with the “most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history…”, but the episode I am excited for all season is the "Tell All" in which so many questions are answered, there is a free for all in terms of topic, unfiltered comments and we are privy to some off camera antics that we were not aware of during the season. And considering how much drama covered this season, it was sure to be a doozy. I am not joking when I say that one of my bucket list items is to go to a taping of a Tell All...the actual taping lasts sometimes 8-10 hours and we only get to see about an hour and forty minutes...but, I'll take what I can get!

There are many different directions I have thought about writing about in response to the most recent episode: how often people's hatred behind a computer screen seems to disregard the humanity, emotions and soul of the one they are berating... how so many of the guys who barely spoke a full sentence during the season stole the spotlight with their opinions (which, in my opinion were not only not well formulated, but lacking in actual experiences with Kaitlyn to be able to accurately assess the situation…) to the love or hate relationship that people have with our Bachelorette based on a few moments they spend with her each week on TV with about 7 million other people watching. But, lest I hop down a few too many bunny trails, there were a few moments of truth and honesty that, regardless if they were 'made for TV moments', ignited a very eerie sense of "...I know exactly what he is talking about because I am terrified of that too..."

Let me introduce you to Ben Higgins, a 26 year old from Denver who is also likely to be the next Bachelor (thank you lord!) He came in third place, right behind the two kings of drama—Nick and Shawn—but throughout the season carried himself with poise, certainty, sensitivity, confidence and a sort of groundedness that is not only rare for a 26 year old but you could almost feel coming through the TV screen. If only he were 10 years older and lived closer to me...a girl can dream! As we re-watched his "journey" on the Bachelorette there was a replay of a heart tugging moment in which he confesses to Kaitlyn that he fears that there is something wrong with him and that he is unlovable.

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I remember the statement when he originally said it but it really caught my attention when it was replayed last night—perhaps because as we were watching the replay, Ben's face was shown at the bottom of the screen and we got to see his own reactions to the things that he said and what Kaitlyn said to him. A hush seemed to fall over the audience as Ben's comment of wondering if he was unlovable was where we were left hanging in the clip of him that was shown. Chris Harrison, the host and wanna-be therapist, didn't miss a beat and immediately asked Ben if he really felt that way. (And I would imagine there were probably a hundred women who were ready to come to his rescue and profess to him how lovable he actually was, but I digress.) 

In his usual concise and confident manner, Ben answered that he indeed did wonder about that and that it was a legitimate fear of his. He then added on that if he had to guess, he didn't think there would be anyone who at some point didn't wonder if there was something wrong with them or if they were unlovable. Too bad he couldn't see me raising my hand and pointing at myself as he articulated that comment. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know so keenly how real a fear like that is. 

That thought of “what is wrong with me” is such a devastating thought. It automatically provides me with a downward spiral of focusing on all of the things that are wrong with me that I need to fix (which are, of course, very subjective given the day or season, the meal I just ate or the workout class that I just skipped) in order to not only have nothing wrong with me but to make myself a lovable person. It’s easy to get caught up bargaining with myself with those if/then statements as I try to find all of the tangible ways to improve myself in order to be loved. And truth be told, focusing on this doesn’t lead to productive activity, it only sinks me further into that pit of shame. 

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Those thoughts are also triggered within me when a relationship ends, when I feel forgotten about or when it seems as though I am invisible. It’s only natural, for me, in those moments to wonder if there is something so unappealing about me that is clear to the world and hidden to me. And, because most of the time people who leave our lives (or the ones we feel forgot us) don’t give us an explanation as to their actions, we are left to surmise what happened and put into place an action plan to ensure this type of thing won’t happen again. Surely, we believe—I believe—this will take away the hurt and the pain. Surely this will keep pushing me into the lovable category. 

I’ve thought a lot about this concept of feeling alone, wondering if there is something wrong with me and feeling unloveable. We are living in a world where connection—to others, to information, to other cultures—are all just a click away. And yet more than ever people are feeling lonelier, more depressed and disconnected from actual people. In my opinion, this has to fuel the daunting thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me! My Twitter followers don’t offer to hang out on a lonely Friday night, my obsession with amazon.com only provides me with a mail carrier that likely thinks I am a compulsive shopper and while Tinder tells me I could likely have a one-night-stand with anyone of my choice, the offer doesn’t come with a guarantee that he will still be there the next day when I realize that I am still asking those same daunting questions. 

As an introvert by nature, I do not readily gravitate towards large social situations or seek to place myself in situations where I know no one (or have to make lots of small talk!) It’s easy for me to not only justify but need a night in with a good book or binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I have come to realize that part of who I am sometimes requires those things—the down time in order to re-fuel for whatever the next day or week beholds. But as much as I adore Lorelai and Rory Gilmore and as fascinated as I am by the memoirs I read, as soon as I shut the TV off or close the book, I cannot deny that I have gone hours perhaps without any real human connection. Nor can I deny that when I check my phone I see no missed texts or phone calls. I should probably seriously consider a rent-a-friend program to get me out and about! 

If Ben H., the good looking, successful, outstanding Bachelor-to-be can struggle with wondering what is wrong with him and questioning his lovability and the same is true for me then surely there are many other people who have this hidden struggle as well.

Photo Credit: solpurpose.com 

And if not, then someone please introduce me to Ben H. so we can spend our days affirming and loving each other! 

We will all have experiences of someone not feeling the same way as we do. We will likely experience very real things that need to be worked on in our lives in order to make us a healthier and more whole person. We will get hurt, we will experience heartache, we will have those moments of disbelief or even pain as we grow. I know that the mere commonality of this human experience in most of us certainly doesn’t solve all of the problems to feeling unlovable or questions of what is wrong—but I do think that sometimes knowing that you are not alone can alleviate some of the shame and pressure. To know that there are other people who can be deeply empathetic with us if we would allow ourselves to courageously connect to another is healing in and of itself. Knowing there are other people who feel the same way might allow us to bravely engage with another, face our insecurities and take a risk towards fullness of life that, maybe…just maybe, might allow us to come to the reality that not only is there nothing wrong with us but that we matter and are loved by many. 

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

No Fear in the Moment

Photo Credit: etonline.com

Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

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Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Premature Word Vomit

In so many ways I feel like, even three episodes in, the Bachelorette is proving to be even more drama filled than the Bachelor--ya know the show when 20 women are vying after the same man's heart? I never thought it was possible, but I think we are all in for a surprise! I guess I have underestimated the drama that can ensue when the male ego is at stake! It's a no-holds-barred game of gossip, back stabbing, playing the victim card and resembling a teenage girl when love (or 15 minutes of fame) is on the line for the men of the Bachelorette!

I know, full well, that the show is scripted and that it's not a realistic interpretation or situation in which relationships are born and nurtured...all you need to do is look at the success rate of the show to figure that out. But I also know that even on a show where contracts are signed and you must agree to however the producers what to edit your 'character', you still have a choice of what to say or how much to say. No one is forcing words and stories out of your mouth. 

As I sat and watched the Bachelorette last night and heard these guys pour out their hearts, their traumas, their losses and their passions, despite the lack of an open bar and a camera crew in my face I almost felt like we were peering in on my dating life (ok, ok...there were other differences too...I don't have a hair or make up team, I don't have 20 guys waiting for me in the next room when I am done taking to someone else nor do I have unlimited access to exotic and amazing dates...to name a few things). What I mean though is watching those guys open up so fast about so much felt like every date that I have been on in the past few months. 

I call it my Jedi Mind Trick...some people wish they had super powers of being able to fly or teleport...or to, like Mel Gibson on "What Women Want", get inside a woman's head to know what she is thinking. I have this super power of looking at a guy, listening to a guy or even being in the same room as a guy and I somehow end up in a conversation that ends with me knowing about their crazy ex wife, their kids, their fears or some bit of personal information that, if the tables were turned, I would likely not disclose until we were in an established relationship. Like the men on the Bachelorette, these guys are vomiting their deepest insecurities and parts of themselves to me, a perfect stranger, as they gaze back at me with hopeful eyes looking for approval, acceptance or some sort of indication that I am into them. Sometimes I wonder if there is some sign above me that says "please, tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets (even if I just met you in the check frozen fruit aisle at Kroger)". (And yes, that actually has happened.)

I have often wondered if this is a new fangled tactic to get into my pants...perhaps the old pick up lines and sweet nothings being whispered into my ears are no longer cutting it. Perhaps guys have finally hear women's desires for an emotional connection before a physical connection and this is their attempt. Perhaps they think that by spilling their story I, or the Bachelorette, will get swept up in what they are saying and desire to move the relationship to the next, physical, level. (Never mind the fact that when a girl emotionally dumps on a guy when she first meets him it's his cue to run away...and rightfully so!) Regardless, I don't think the guys I have been dating have some producer whispering in their ear what to tell me to encourage some hasty emotional connection. 

I wish I could say that I have come to some definite conclusion on why this is. It gives me comfort at

least to know that it's not just the guys that I date that do it--the guys on the Bachelorette do it too. And of course as soon as I say that I am immediately called back to a myriad of memories in which I have done that as well. No cameras around, no producer coaxing me with questions, but rather a girl who is hopeful and shares way too much with a guy she has just met. A girl who just wants to be known. A girl who hopes that the guy who sits in front of her is maybe different than the rest. Maybe someone she can trust, someone who will take her into consideration, someone who will connect to her story, see her for who she truly is and fall in love with her heart. 

There is this part of me that believes that not all guys exclusively and only have the intent of having sex with a girl. Call it naive or having the wool pulled over my eyes but I have to believe there are some guys out there who prematurely word vomit because they too want to be known and loved by another. Sometimes it seems like men and women aren't so incredibly different after all...

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved

The {Courageous} Art of Being Vulnerable

Kaitlyn, Becca & Whitney

“Intense” is the only word I can use to describe this last episode of the Bachelor. We are down to three girls which, in the world of the Bachelor, is known infamously as the time when the Fantasy Suite dates occur. For those non-versed in Bachelor language, Fantasy Suites are the dates consisting of the Bachelor and each of his remaining 3 girls getting to have an overnight date--with no cameras--to talk, get to know each other more and do…whatever they want…  And because of the appeal of no cameras with them for the first time on their journey, it’s usually unlikely that anyone declines this date—regardless of any preconceived notions that the TV viewing audiences have! 

Often times the themes surrounding this episode is of opening up, sharing where you are really at with your feelings and how you see the future with that person. It’s often filled with awkward conversations as difficult questions are asked or unexpected answers are given. Some of the contestants are highly articulate while others painfully struggle to complete sentences. I mean really, it’s almost difficult to watch! 

So let me introduce Kaitlyn, one of Prince Farming’s final three girls. She made quite the entrance at the beginning of the season, identifying herself as the girl who wasn’t afraid to say or laugh at dirty jokes, but also showed herself to be very down to earth, well spoken, intuitive and un-dramatic. I admit, it took a minute for her to grow on me, but as the season wore on it became quite apparent that her, perhaps vulgar, edge acted more as a layer of protection for her as she, admittedly, did not want her heart to be broken. There have been moments in the last few weeks where she has recognized this guard she keeps up and her desire to be softer and even credits our Bachelor with being able to tap into that side of her. And while she acknowledges her fear of loss, she desperately wants to let that guard down. 

Prior to the invitation to go to the Fantasy Suite she and Chris (the Bachelor) are discussing this very concept—letting your guard down. Kaitlyn states something so powerful: “I’ve always thought that [being vulnerable] was a negative thing, but it’s not. It’s almost like I am at my best self when I am vulnerable because I can just open up with how I am feeling and talk about it and accept it.” My little therapist self did a little cheer from my couch as her words offer so much insight into the risk of a relationship and the empowerment of vulnerability. 

Brene Brown, in her book, “Daring Greatly”, defines vulnerability as: capable of being wounded and open to attack or damage. At first glance that sounds absolutely terrifying, right? Who would willingly put themselves in a situation in which they can be hurt, wounded, taken advantage of or broken? It seems absurd that anyone would seek to be vulnerable without being able to guarantee their own safety (physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, mentally, etc.) And when we factor into that our own life experiences, our families, our relationships, our traumas and our hardships, the thought of jumping into a situation in which vulnerability is required—where being wounded is a legitimate possibility—is usually the opposite of what we are interested in doing. 

So, we build walls. We create defense mechanisms. We numb things out. We use humor, food, sex, surface level conversations, avoidance, alcohol, TV, shopping, pills, other people, lying, sarcasm, and anger outbursts to our benefit and focus on these things rather than dare letting someone hurt us again. We become an impenetrable force so that no one can hurt us like they once did. Anytime someone tries to get close to us, we can pull from our bag of tricks to keep them from getting too close—close enough to hurt us. 

And for a while, this feels really good. It feels nice to not have to worry about being hurt, used, manipulated, deceived, played or heartbroken. It feels nice to feel like you can breathe and that you are now in control of your situation.

But then something odd happens. After we have securely built our walls, ensuring that no one can touch us, ensuring that we are safe, ensuring that we are the opposite of vulnerable, we realize that we are alone. I mean alone, alone. Isolated. We have worked so hard at not allowing ourselves to get hurt that we have simultaneously kept out any semblance of meaningful relationship. We are not known to anyone else in a deep and intimate way; we are empty. We are alone. 

So, while we are not being hurt by others, we are instead hurting ourselves. In the isolation we have created as a shield of protection we now find bitterness, resentment, self-pity, toxic shame, depression, lust, pride, anxiety and apathy. The more we sit in these things the more isolated we feel which only fuels each of these things even more. I like to call it the yuck cycle. And the thing is, it’s not coming from people hurting us repeatedly, it’s not coming from our relationships; it’s coming from us—from our desires to keep ourselves safe. From our desire to be invulnerable. 

I come from a family that discourages emotional expression. In fact, in my experience, emotional expression has come under harsh critique, judgement and punishment at times. Part of my own process of healing has been understanding what I feel and allowing myself to feel those things and trust the process. A while back my family went through the death of a loved one and the emotional pain was excruciating. Knowing that I would be entering into a situation that was emotionally unsafe, I made a conscious decision to numb out all emotion and bury it until I returned to the safety of my own home. For a week I actively shoved these emotions and experiences down until I thought I might burst. Never had I felt so alone, never had I felt so horrible about myself, never had I not cared as much—in fact because I was so determined to keep this all in, to not feel the pain for fear of being hurt even more, my body literally manifested the pain. In less than 24 hours of arriving in my hometown I gained nearly 10 pounds—it was the only place that my body could find relief in expressing that emotion!  I felt raw and numb all at the same time and had to isolate myself in my own little world in order to remain un-wounded. 

I think many of us have stories like these. I don’t think that any of us are immune from this process; I would venture to say that all of us either have been, will be or are in a place where the thought of being vulnerable is terrifying and the walls of protection seem so much more appealing. It’s our human nature to want to protect ourselves from being hurt and wounded. And yet, as I reflect on my own experiences, both in the recent and distant past, I see that my iron-clad pursuit of keeping myself safe is what ends up hurting me more. 

I think it feels natural to, as Kaitlyn said, view being vulnerable as negative—even as scary. But when we open ourselves to being vulnerable—to risking, even when there is the possibility of getting hurt—we also open ourselves up to relationship, to life, to freedom, to love, to joy and to intimacy. And isn’t this what a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is all about? Being vulnerable does not give us guarantees, it does not give us a life-long pass from hurt and pain but it can give us so much more. When we can stand in front of another free from judgement, scrutiny, conditions, harshness and negativity I think we truly do open ourself up to the possibility of being our best self.