No Fear in the Moment

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Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

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Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

The Masks We Wear - Part 3

It’s funny how life seems to hand us situations when we least expect it, in order to see if we are gonna put our money where our mouth is! I have been privy to several situations in the recent past where I have had to exercise my self-awareness and deciphering how easily it is to slip on a mask in an effort to protect myself, find peace or at the very least, some instant gratification in the midst of confusion. And as life happens and I remain committed to being aware of what is going on in and around me, I also become more aware of different masks that are ready for use at a moment’s notice.  

For me, it’s been good to recognize, however, that the masks that we wear (even the ones that feel so closely tied to our actual identity) are there as a protective factor. They were designed, refined and well-worn in order to combat the brutal realities of what it’s like to live life in relationship with others. If it were a perfect world these masks wouldn’t exist…nor would this blog; but in spite of this, I believe it’s actually a gift to be able to understand things about ourselves so that we have a shot at being a healthy individual who can engage in healthy relationships. 

So, this week we’ll introduce a couple more masks: The Mask of Apathy and The Sabotager. 

The Mask of Apathy

I have to admit, this mask is a new one for me! While I believe it has been present for a while, it is only as of late that this mask seems to be the predominant feature in my life. Apathy, in the dictionary, is defined as the absence of emotion, passion or excitement. And when it comes to even thinking about going on another first date or starting the entire relationship process all over again, this is the mask that surges to the front. After another ending to a (short) relationship a month ago (props to the guy for formally breaking up with me…progress is being made!), the thought of going out with anyone seemed like the most unappealing thing in the world. Sure, there is the normal “grieving period” after a relationship, but this was different. It wasn’t that I was heartbroken over the relationship being over (and I implemented a fair share of my own awareness to ensure I was not wearing that Victim Mask!), it was simply that I had no emotion towards dating at all, even if it was a great guy that I might go on a date with. I noticed this mask really start to solidify when I started talking with and getting to know another guy, one who seemed perfectly good and someone I should be interested in getting to know. As his excitement grew steadily in the days leading up to our first date, I couldn’t seem to muster up even fake excitement to respond back to his incredibly sweet text messages and phone conversations. Poor guy! Here he was, trying to get to know me, and the 40 guys before him had blazed a trail that was making it difficult for him to even walk!

If a mask is supposed to protect us, then there must be a reason for the Mask of Apathy to as well. In my experiential assessment, it seems that the Mask of Apathy is worn due to exhaustion and fear. Exhaustion because dating is just that. It just simply isn’t fun going on one more first date, always having to put your best foot forward, going through the “getting-to-know-you” phase (which we HOPE leads to truly being known, but seldom seems to!) It gets old being excited, telling friend and gushing about details, only to have to go back to these same people with, yet another, break up story. It’s exhausting to continue to put yourself out there one more time while trying to maintain any ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe, the next first date could be the last first date. 

And I admit, I am apathetic because I am fearful. As exhausting as it is to play this relationship game, it’s slightly terrifying. The hamster wheel of thoughts is continually running, wondering how much to say, wondering what he is thinking, wondering what the line is between protecting yourself and your emotions versus being cold and rigid. It’s scary to open yourself up to trusting someone with your story. Dating is a risk of the highest order. For me, at the beginning of this dating journey, there was an amount of excitement and intrigue in sharing myself and my story with someone. I was hopeful in sharing things about myself that it would offer points of connection and commitment. But at some point the intrigue wore off into, yes, apathy. It was easier to emotionlessly engage in conversations, go through the motions and turn my heart (and mind) off to an extent just so that if it didn’t work out, it would hurt just a little bit less. 

It’s truly a fine line between using boundaries and protecting yourself emotionally versus shutting off your emotions and becoming apathetic. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, and like so many of the other masks that we have talked about, simply admitting it and being honest that it exists somehow seems to help. To recognize my apathy means that I cannot live in denial about it. It means that I have to acknowledge where I have been hurt and honestly reflect on what I feel comfortable with “bringing to the table” as I continue to date. I do see that apathy can protect me (it forces my hand at being slow about relationships rather than diving in too fast), but I see that it can also set me up for a different kind of disappointment—and I am the only one responsible for that. 

Recognizing this mask also helps to keep me in check realistically and gives me permission to set and stick to boundaries and still allow myself to be hopeful, even when life and relationships seem to be a dismay. 

And while apathy protects me from having to feel some of those negative emotions like confusion, anger, resentment, frustration or irritation, it also then hinders me from being able to experience joy, gratitude, peace and happiness. The recognition of this mask, then, provides me with an opportunity to experience the spectrum of emotions in order for life to be truly full and satisfying.

The Sabotager

This mask…well, this mask I really dislike. It’s great at it’s job. It is subtle and effective and can go unrecognized forever if we let it. The sabotager.  We have all heard of people who sabotage themselves when good things are about to happen. The person who creates unnecessary drama when facing the possibility of commitment. The person who, right before a job interview with a huge promotion, gets strung out on substances so they are not able to make the interview. It’s more common than we think, and it’s humbling to recognize where The Sabotager has shown up in my life. 

To be fair, if we wear the Sabotager Mask, it is because life has handed us circumstances (both provoked and unprovoked) that have made it difficult to accept good things because we fear those things being taken away from us.  It’s truly humbling to admit that prior to the not so distant past, I sabotaged my relationships prior to them even beginning. At some point in my growing up years I began to operate out of the mindset that I was too much to handle (as a person) and it was my job to sacrifice myself for the needs of others (this was reinforced significantly by my stout religious upbringing). And while I do understand that life, nor relationships, need not be entirely about me, I came to believe that to have needs, wants and desires was selfish (therefore creating the belief that I was too much to handle) and would need to give to others at the expense of myself, entirely. You can imagine the creatures that flocked to me. Unhealthy, emotionally unavailable, abusive, addicts, uncommitted, legalistic, uncaring, rude, over-spiritualizing…I was a prime candidate for these types of men. 

[Side note: because I realize that I am the common denominator in those relationships, it is important, as always, that I understand that I should have sought help, restoration, healing and health. I had choices to get into and stay in these relationships, continue dating men who fit those descriptions as well as to not value myself.]

My Sabotager Mask was always on. I truly believed I did not deserve mutuality, respect, compassion, care and equality. As a result I sabotaged those relationships, and really, myself, before they even began. Had I recognized the underlying issues and addressed my fear, cognitive distortions and false belief system, I cannot help but believe that my Sabotager Mask wouldn’t have been present because it would have had no need. In later years of life, after recognizing these patterns in myself (but still not dealing with them), the Sabotager would present itself as projection, panic, clinginess, desperation and intensity. Perhaps I was not dating the same type of emotionally unavailable man, but my beliefs about myself had not changed so the Sabotager simply changed it’s strategies of external appearance. 

If the Sabotager Mask is present in order to protect from getting hurt, or to uphold belief systems (albeit, false belief systems), then there is an amount of gratitude to be paid as it has done it’s job well. The Sabotager recognizes that dealing with whats going on underneath seems more painful than repeating the cycle (which is denial at it’s core) and does what it needs to do to keep us in familiar territory. The Sabotager recognizes that our own dysfunction is somehow functional and works hard to maintain a sense of equilibrium (or “status quo”).

If I’m being honest, the Sabotager Mask is probably the one that requires the most amount of external support, guidance, time and diligence to take off. It’s vivid presence in your life is so woven into the fabric of who you are on every level that, in many ways, a new foundation is required. There is hope though. While painful to deal with, the reward in looking at those internal and external messages, false beliefs, experiences, relationships and distortions is healthy relationship (of all kinds). It is not a light commitment to make, but rather a daily commitment to wholehearted living with motivation to get yourself back no matter what. 

And, I have to admit, there is an amount of celebration that happens internally every time you recognize how you normally would have responded to a situation (in the past) versus how you want to and actually do presently respond. 

Party on…

The Masks We Wear

One of the things that I find myself reflecting on a lot are the different masks that I seem to wear throughout my single-dom. It’s not wearing a mask like I might have in middle school or high school when I was trying to figure out my identity (remember those days…one day you would show up to school as a preppy cheerleader and the next day you would sport black lipstick, a pale complexion and all black clothing?) The masks I have worn in my relationship status seem to have the ability to change just as frequently as a teenager figuring out their identity, but they seem to be motivated by a completely different foundation.

If you are over 30 and single, or single again, chances are life has handed you a plethora of experiences, relationships, jobs, decisions and everything else in between, that has really helped to shape who you are. And I think it’s fair to say that many of us have even started to make sense of many of these experiences and been able to use them as a source of refinement and betterment. There is much truth in the statement that with age brings wisdom! I would not trade my body in my 20’s for the mind I have in my 30’s (well…let’s be honest, somedays I do want that body back. To be able to survive on gatorade, licorice and Cheetos without gaining a pound…those were the days!) So, as the days of our life here on this earth steadily increase, there is an amount of being able to “settle in” to who you are that brings about a greater ability to breathe and simply enjoy life in a way that wasn’t possible when you had that Cheeto-eating-body!

Enter in the topic of relationships though, and sometimes that ability to breathe and enjoy life is no where to be found (and to top it off, your body doesn’t react the same way to a bag of Cheetos, so you really do feel all alone!) And that’s where we begin to try on different masks. These masks though are motivated from this deep and vulnerable place within us that is begging for an answer to the question of “Does anyone love me? Do I matter? Does anyone truly see who I am?” And the more those questions are answered with silence or bold faced rejection, the more we must figure out how to defend ourselves against the pain of that unfavorable and all too consistent answer. 

Those deep and vulnerable questions I liken to a wound—they are raw, seemingly exposed and make you wince when someone gets close to touching them. And just like a physical wound that we would seek to protect if the possibility of an additional threat came our way, I believe that we find, even subconsciously, ways to protect that vulnerability in order to keep people at arms length and keep ourselves safe. It’s a natural inclination to want to protect ourselves. We grow up learning how to protect ourselves physically, but when it comes to relationships we have to learn an entirely new set of survival skills.

As I thought about this topic, I began to list out the different masks I had worn (or still wear!) in an effort to protect that vulnerable place within me (remember, that vulnerable place in us is asking those questions of “Am I loved? Do I matter? Does anyone truly see who I am? Does anyone want me? Is there something wrong with me?”) I thought about just listing them all out seeing if y’all could identify with me just based on my titles alone, but quickly realized that I think it’s important to dig into and understand these masks that we wear…why do we wear them, how do we change them, do I ever get to stop wearing them? So we’re gonna spend the next few blogs dissecting the many faces of being single (or single again) and over 30.

The Mask of Cynicism

 I had to start with this mask because it’s the one that is, unfortunately, the most well-worn for me. It’s the mask that I wore daily for quite a long time and the mask that I will go back to in moments that I need something familiar. To be honest, I think this mask is usually combined with many of the other masks I wear. And, I might venture to say, the Mask of Cynicism is probably present in each one of us. And I think it’s also safe to say this mask was created first as a defense mechanism and as a way to cope. It was created the first time you were cheated on, the first time you were rejected, the first time someone disappeared from your life. It became more defined each time someone walked out, each Friday night spent alone, every time you were the 3rd wheel or had to go to a wedding of a friend. And every day, weekend, month, year that passes by and you remain single, this mask no longer feels like a mask. It actually seems to be an intricate part of who you are. 

For me, personally, this mask was present far before I knew it existed. I would try to be excited for a friend who was in a new relationship, but in secret I would cry myself to sleep wondering when it was going to happen for me. And then, in an effort to try and make sense of the situation, I would allow myself to have a silent tirade against all single men who either (only in my opinion, of course) were too blind to see what was good for them, were too flaky to commit or needed to pull their shit together to rise to my standards. And, while those things may have been true from time to time, this cynical view only served as a band-aid, as I denied what was truly going on for me: I was hurting and I was lonely. 

It’s hard to admit that we are hurting, that we are lonely, that we long for a relationship. For whatever reason, in our culture, admitting these things is like admitting weakness. Most of the time we feel like there is something wrong with us; and we convince ourselves that we should feel a whole lot better about being single than we actually do. The interesting part about this is that the more we deny and shove down that hurt and loneliness, the bigger it actually gets. 

At some point that hurt and loneliness has to have some sort of an outlet and it’s not uncommon for it to turn to resentment and resentment to cynicism.  The problem with this type of cynicism, however, is that when this is the mask we wear, we are denying what is real; we are simply surviving. 

I stated above that this Mask of Cynicism is a mask I am quite familiar with; one that in those weak moments I can easily slip back on. It’s an old friend, it gives me momentary gratification and satisfaction. But it never lasts. The reality is, when I allow myself to wear this mask without noticing it, recognizing it’s reason for existence and where it is manifesting itself, I become quite bitter. Bitterness breeds cynicism which breeds more bitterness; it’s a vicious cycle that eventually results in isolation (which is where I think the stereotype of the cat lady comes in to play! Seriously, click the link if you are in need of a chuckle!)

So, what’s a girl to do? Is it possible for this cycle to even be stopped, for this mask to be removed and to move forward in humble acceptance? The short answer is, yes. Though it is, as always, easier said than done, removing this mask requires a daily commitment to live in honesty and truth about the reality that you live in. It doesn’t mean you become a victim or martyr (those are masks we will discuss in a future post), it simply means you accept the situation you are in rather than trying to deny it. [A quick note on acceptance: contrary to popular belief, acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to like your situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to desire more of it either. Acceptance simply means that you are honest and truthful about the reality that you are presently in, living fully in that moment, participating in your emotions rather than repressing or suppressing them and then to move out of that moment when needed.]

I will end with a quote I read from a meditation book, The Book of Awakening, by poet, Mark Nepo:

“It’s so simple and yet so brave to say that we are hurt when we are hurt, to say that we are sad when we are sad, to say that we are scared when we are scared. In very direct and daily ways, this energy of realness changes situations because the immediate expression of our truth releases light and warmth that influences the life we are a part of. This is the way our spirit shines.”

I Will Fight for Me

Well, we have survived another season of The Bachelor. Survived seems like the right way to put it…from the bachelor being wishy washy, two faced, hypocritical and downright rude, Juan Pablo has been referred to as the “worst bachelor ever”.  While I wasn’t too impressed with him, the purpose of this blog isn’t to give my opinions on what he should or should not have done, but rather to focus on the girl he “rejected” at the Final Rose Ceremony. Clare.

I have to admit, even though Clare was a bit intense at times and she chose to step out of the limo that first night sporting a VERY large baby bump, I liked her. As the season wore on and she received criticism from social media, what became more apparent to me is that his 32 year old hairdresser was more like me than I wanted to initially admit. While I might not go on a TV show to find love (to all my friends who keep encouraging me to apply…sorry!), Clare represented my demographic. 

Clare began the season telling viewers that her heart was ice…not because she wanted it to be, but because life had served her experiences and relationships that made it easier to become cold and frigid rather than getting hurt one more time. Throughout the season she would reference back to that heart of ice as she put herself out there, expressed her feelings and slowly started to let the ice melt. She expressed her fear and anxiety, her hesitation, her love, her excitement, her frustration. She was visibly irritated when other girls would get time with Juan Pablo, she looked for opportunities to spend time with him, she was crushed when Juan Pablo turned the tables on her and blamed her for a late night swim in the ocean. She clearly spent time thinking about the relationship, she looked for ways to respect Juan Pablo and slowly but surely allowed herself to fall for this man. 

Now, this most certainly could have been a storyline for TV; but either Clare is a fabulous actor, or she was just being her. And I tend to believe the latter. But while America laughed at Clare, I cheered for her (even if it was silently!) See, I am very much like Clare. I too fear that I have a heart of ice. 

As I sat in my therapist’s office a couple weeks ago, I shared with her my fear that, even though I didn’t experience anxiety or even a significant amount of sadness over the last guy who left, the next guy who came along was having to start with a major disadvantage even though he, himself, hadn’t done anything. It truly made me sad that this string of guys who have been so flippant with who I am have caused me to crawl back into my turtle shell a bit and at the very least remain skeptical. I’m not a man hater, I still believe in relationships; in fact, I have great hope that I will be in one with a man who is amazing, but it is difficult to not let your heart freeze just a little bit when that rejection comes…one. more. time. 

I cheered right along with the audience as Clare refused a hug from Juan Pablo after he rejected her; her response to him was strong and honest; it left no questions. She held it together as she walked away from Juan Pablo, narrowly escaping his under the breath statement, “whew, glad I didn’t choose her!” (Don’t even get me started on how infuriating that statement was; or how telling of his character!) After hugging the host of the show, Chris Harrison, Clare gave a heartfelt interview on what it was like for her to stand alone. Again. Her words, “…Where’s the man that makes me feel like I am worthy? Where’s the man that will fight for me?” made my heart ache as I saw myself in her, leaving that island, wondering how to put all the pieces back together. 

After a few more minutes of watching Juan Pablo do what he does best…be himself…the “After the Final Rose” special began to air. Even through the TV screen, you could feel the tension, the awkwardness and a cloud of confusion as people tried to figure out what had just happened. Without wasting time, Chris Harrison told viewers that Clare would be the first to be interviewed. I admit, I was a bit apprehensive. I expected Clare to come out and talk about how betrayed, rejected and used she felt. And to be honest, she would have had every right to do so; no one would have questioned a sad and utterly confused response from a jaded Clare. But that’s not what she did.

Juan Pablo being...Juan Pablo.."eeesss ok!"

Clare walked on stage, looking stunning, and honestly and articulately shared that while she was sad, and being rejected was not something she enjoyed, she did not need time with Juan Pablo to try and get answers (or, as she put it, “get fed with more BS”). Her secret in all of this? It was standing up for herself that moment she walked away from Juan Pablo. It was, as she stated during the “After the Final Rose” special, being able to, for the first time, stand up for herself and say exactly how she felt and exactly what she thought. Her ability to fight for herself was what allowed her the closure she needed to move on from this relationship. 

That statement really hit home with me. I have felt, the older I have gotten, less freedom to truly stand up for myself and state what I need, what I want, what I feel or what I think. There is this subtle fear that can sweep over me in moments where I should stand up for myself, but wonder if it’s really worth it. This internal battle causes me to go back and forth wondering if I DO stand up for myself and speak my piece, if he will leave and I will be alone…again. I am constantly weighing if it is worth being true to myself or just better to stay quiet (at the expense of myself). 

It wasn’t too long ago that I was faced with the opportunity to stay quiet, as I always had, or to stand up for myself. Staying quiet meant I could keep someone by my side…a warm body. But it also meant staying in a relationship with no emotional safety and security; no stability. And while I knew how to function quite well in the relationship, since it was familiar to me, it began to become clear that standing up for myself would be less scary than to not. So the day came where I severed all ties, used my voice and walked away. It was not without great emotion, pain and heart break, but I did it. Many months of therapy, processing, lonely nights and re-discovering myself and what life was all about ensued. (I actually think I have tendinitis in my elbow from the pages and pages I wrote in my journal!) And while it was not without significant pain and heartache, the moment I stood up for myself was pivotal; fighting for myself gave my life back. And interestingly enough, I have found that standing up for myself has kept my heart un-frozen. It has given me permission to trust myself and my gut and to recognize the value and honor I have in myself as a woman. 

Clare’s line in her final interview after being rejected by Juan Pablo, was “…where’s the man that will fight for me?” is a line I have repeated to myself hundreds, if not thousands, of times. And while I look forward to the day that there will be an answer (in the form of an actual man) to that question, I think Clare figured out that day (when she left Juan Pablo on that beach) what I figured out the day I left my ex…that at the very least, if no one else will fight for me, I will fight for me. Because I am worth fighting for. And so are you.

Cue the Rocky theme song...