The Masks We Wear - Part 3

It’s funny how life seems to hand us situations when we least expect it, in order to see if we are gonna put our money where our mouth is! I have been privy to several situations in the recent past where I have had to exercise my self-awareness and deciphering how easily it is to slip on a mask in an effort to protect myself, find peace or at the very least, some instant gratification in the midst of confusion. And as life happens and I remain committed to being aware of what is going on in and around me, I also become more aware of different masks that are ready for use at a moment’s notice.  

For me, it’s been good to recognize, however, that the masks that we wear (even the ones that feel so closely tied to our actual identity) are there as a protective factor. They were designed, refined and well-worn in order to combat the brutal realities of what it’s like to live life in relationship with others. If it were a perfect world these masks wouldn’t exist…nor would this blog; but in spite of this, I believe it’s actually a gift to be able to understand things about ourselves so that we have a shot at being a healthy individual who can engage in healthy relationships. 

So, this week we’ll introduce a couple more masks: The Mask of Apathy and The Sabotager. 

The Mask of Apathy

I have to admit, this mask is a new one for me! While I believe it has been present for a while, it is only as of late that this mask seems to be the predominant feature in my life. Apathy, in the dictionary, is defined as the absence of emotion, passion or excitement. And when it comes to even thinking about going on another first date or starting the entire relationship process all over again, this is the mask that surges to the front. After another ending to a (short) relationship a month ago (props to the guy for formally breaking up with me…progress is being made!), the thought of going out with anyone seemed like the most unappealing thing in the world. Sure, there is the normal “grieving period” after a relationship, but this was different. It wasn’t that I was heartbroken over the relationship being over (and I implemented a fair share of my own awareness to ensure I was not wearing that Victim Mask!), it was simply that I had no emotion towards dating at all, even if it was a great guy that I might go on a date with. I noticed this mask really start to solidify when I started talking with and getting to know another guy, one who seemed perfectly good and someone I should be interested in getting to know. As his excitement grew steadily in the days leading up to our first date, I couldn’t seem to muster up even fake excitement to respond back to his incredibly sweet text messages and phone conversations. Poor guy! Here he was, trying to get to know me, and the 40 guys before him had blazed a trail that was making it difficult for him to even walk!

If a mask is supposed to protect us, then there must be a reason for the Mask of Apathy to as well. In my experiential assessment, it seems that the Mask of Apathy is worn due to exhaustion and fear. Exhaustion because dating is just that. It just simply isn’t fun going on one more first date, always having to put your best foot forward, going through the “getting-to-know-you” phase (which we HOPE leads to truly being known, but seldom seems to!) It gets old being excited, telling friend and gushing about details, only to have to go back to these same people with, yet another, break up story. It’s exhausting to continue to put yourself out there one more time while trying to maintain any ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe, the next first date could be the last first date. 

And I admit, I am apathetic because I am fearful. As exhausting as it is to play this relationship game, it’s slightly terrifying. The hamster wheel of thoughts is continually running, wondering how much to say, wondering what he is thinking, wondering what the line is between protecting yourself and your emotions versus being cold and rigid. It’s scary to open yourself up to trusting someone with your story. Dating is a risk of the highest order. For me, at the beginning of this dating journey, there was an amount of excitement and intrigue in sharing myself and my story with someone. I was hopeful in sharing things about myself that it would offer points of connection and commitment. But at some point the intrigue wore off into, yes, apathy. It was easier to emotionlessly engage in conversations, go through the motions and turn my heart (and mind) off to an extent just so that if it didn’t work out, it would hurt just a little bit less. 

It’s truly a fine line between using boundaries and protecting yourself emotionally versus shutting off your emotions and becoming apathetic. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, and like so many of the other masks that we have talked about, simply admitting it and being honest that it exists somehow seems to help. To recognize my apathy means that I cannot live in denial about it. It means that I have to acknowledge where I have been hurt and honestly reflect on what I feel comfortable with “bringing to the table” as I continue to date. I do see that apathy can protect me (it forces my hand at being slow about relationships rather than diving in too fast), but I see that it can also set me up for a different kind of disappointment—and I am the only one responsible for that. 

Recognizing this mask also helps to keep me in check realistically and gives me permission to set and stick to boundaries and still allow myself to be hopeful, even when life and relationships seem to be a dismay. 

And while apathy protects me from having to feel some of those negative emotions like confusion, anger, resentment, frustration or irritation, it also then hinders me from being able to experience joy, gratitude, peace and happiness. The recognition of this mask, then, provides me with an opportunity to experience the spectrum of emotions in order for life to be truly full and satisfying.

The Sabotager

This mask…well, this mask I really dislike. It’s great at it’s job. It is subtle and effective and can go unrecognized forever if we let it. The sabotager.  We have all heard of people who sabotage themselves when good things are about to happen. The person who creates unnecessary drama when facing the possibility of commitment. The person who, right before a job interview with a huge promotion, gets strung out on substances so they are not able to make the interview. It’s more common than we think, and it’s humbling to recognize where The Sabotager has shown up in my life. 

To be fair, if we wear the Sabotager Mask, it is because life has handed us circumstances (both provoked and unprovoked) that have made it difficult to accept good things because we fear those things being taken away from us.  It’s truly humbling to admit that prior to the not so distant past, I sabotaged my relationships prior to them even beginning. At some point in my growing up years I began to operate out of the mindset that I was too much to handle (as a person) and it was my job to sacrifice myself for the needs of others (this was reinforced significantly by my stout religious upbringing). And while I do understand that life, nor relationships, need not be entirely about me, I came to believe that to have needs, wants and desires was selfish (therefore creating the belief that I was too much to handle) and would need to give to others at the expense of myself, entirely. You can imagine the creatures that flocked to me. Unhealthy, emotionally unavailable, abusive, addicts, uncommitted, legalistic, uncaring, rude, over-spiritualizing…I was a prime candidate for these types of men. 

[Side note: because I realize that I am the common denominator in those relationships, it is important, as always, that I understand that I should have sought help, restoration, healing and health. I had choices to get into and stay in these relationships, continue dating men who fit those descriptions as well as to not value myself.]

My Sabotager Mask was always on. I truly believed I did not deserve mutuality, respect, compassion, care and equality. As a result I sabotaged those relationships, and really, myself, before they even began. Had I recognized the underlying issues and addressed my fear, cognitive distortions and false belief system, I cannot help but believe that my Sabotager Mask wouldn’t have been present because it would have had no need. In later years of life, after recognizing these patterns in myself (but still not dealing with them), the Sabotager would present itself as projection, panic, clinginess, desperation and intensity. Perhaps I was not dating the same type of emotionally unavailable man, but my beliefs about myself had not changed so the Sabotager simply changed it’s strategies of external appearance. 

If the Sabotager Mask is present in order to protect from getting hurt, or to uphold belief systems (albeit, false belief systems), then there is an amount of gratitude to be paid as it has done it’s job well. The Sabotager recognizes that dealing with whats going on underneath seems more painful than repeating the cycle (which is denial at it’s core) and does what it needs to do to keep us in familiar territory. The Sabotager recognizes that our own dysfunction is somehow functional and works hard to maintain a sense of equilibrium (or “status quo”).

If I’m being honest, the Sabotager Mask is probably the one that requires the most amount of external support, guidance, time and diligence to take off. It’s vivid presence in your life is so woven into the fabric of who you are on every level that, in many ways, a new foundation is required. There is hope though. While painful to deal with, the reward in looking at those internal and external messages, false beliefs, experiences, relationships and distortions is healthy relationship (of all kinds). It is not a light commitment to make, but rather a daily commitment to wholehearted living with motivation to get yourself back no matter what. 

And, I have to admit, there is an amount of celebration that happens internally every time you recognize how you normally would have responded to a situation (in the past) versus how you want to and actually do presently respond. 

Party on…

Chivalry is Dead

It’s no secret that I meet the fine specimen that I go out with, from a dating website. I’ve gone back and forth regarding if I actually like doing this (or want to admit it that I’m doing it!), but since going to a bar or a club is of no interest to me and I don’t have many friends who know single men, online dating has been where I have landed. And, at the very least, I have ended up with some absolutely crazy stories...sprinkled with many moments of shock and a few heartbreaks. I have learned a lot too—about myself, about relationships, about men, about expectations and about chivalry. Or lack thereof. 

I wish I would have kept count of the number of profiles I have read that say something to the effect of “…most think chivalry doesn’t exist anymore, but I disagree; I know how to treat a woman.” At first I smiled at this statement, thinking that perhaps this was a caring and sensitive man who truly was different than the rest. But after going out with 35+ men from various dating websites, I have come to recognize that their version of chivalry in treating a woman does not go much beyond putting your best foot forward on a first date. And sometimes not even that far. 

So why do I say chivalry is dead? Well, let’s start by looking at the definitions of chivalry:

chivalry |ˈSHivəlrē|

noun

the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.

• historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively: I fought against the cream of French chivalry.

• the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

• courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women: their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint.

1 acts of chivalry: gallantry, gentlemanliness, courtesy, courteousness, politeness, graciousness, mannerliness, good manners. ANTONYMS rudeness.

(Take note that in the definition of chivalry itself, it states behavior of a man towards a woman!) 

I have used both the free and pay-for dating websites as avenues of obtaining dates. Prior to knowing the truth about the free sites (that they are actually primarily sites designed for hooking up), the appeal was that it was free. All 13 boys I accepted a date from off of one particular site, with the exception of one man (who I actually went out with several times before he…disappeared…), asked me for sex on the first date without even knowing my last name!  There have been a handful of others, from other sites, who have made it past the first date (usually just because they didn’t ask me for sex!) who then ask for, or rather expect, sex on the second date. 

In refusing their offers for sex, or going to their houses, or even for not kissing them or declining another date, I have been called a prude, religious, a person with baggage and abnormal. In moments where I have stated that I am not comfortable with certain conversation topics or actions, I have been told that I have too much baggage and that I am projecting my past relationships onto him. In asking a guy to be straightforward with me, I have been called desperate, told that I wanted too much and of course been bold-faced lied to. Because I have refused to send pictures of myself via text message I have been called old-fashioned, rigid and uninteresting (usually followed with no further communication from that guy). 

Now, I am not one to judge what your personal standards are regarding what we feel comfortable with talking about, texting about or if/when sex should happen in dating (maybe we’ll talk about that in another blog), but I am sorry…opening up the door to the dining establishment and paying for my dinner (that you probably asked me to go to with you via text message), does not make you chivalrous, standing head and shoulder above the “rest of the men out there”.  Nor should it give you the assumption that because you have done these grand acts I should repay you by sleeping with you! If that’s chivalry, then I want out (or at the very least I think we should petition to get the dictionary definition changed)! 

That version of chivalry seems to be, according to the definition above, the antonym of chivalry: rudeness. 

I can imagine you are probably sitting here, reading this blog with one of two expressions on your face. You are either horrified that this exists OR you are nodding your head (even reluctantly) because you know this to be the truth of the dating world now. 

One thing that this blog is NOT is a man-hating blog. That’s not my goal at all, but rather to offer an honest perspective on what it’s like to be in the dating world today as an older (and totally awesome), not-in-her-20’s-woman. So, while we can’t ignore the honest reality of the dwindling definition of chivalry, the other thing we can’t ignore is why we allow it (squirm!) See, it would seem that it’s a vicious cycle: men treat women like this because women allow it (even sub-consciously). Women allow it because they have come to expect it and don’t understand that they can and should be treated differently. And I think it’s fair to say that women allow it because it’s rare to be treated differently (respect, courteous, with high regard, care, etc.) So we lead ourselves to believe that our expectations are too high, our standards are too picky and we need to let loose just a bit.  

The landscape of dating has changed drastically in the past 15-20 years; both positively and negatively. Growing up in a highly religious home afforded me a very sheltered, limited and terrifying view of dating and relationships (anyone ever read that book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye?…don’t. Worst. Dating Book. Ever.) So between coming out of that and then our culture changing (again, both in highly positive ways and then some not-so-positive ways), you can imagine the element of trauma that silently weaves through so many of my dating experiences! And in navigating through this maze of relationships, while I have been dumped on a few more time than I would have liked, I regret to say, I have made my fair share of mistakes. And that’s where we as women need to take a bit of ownership—in our part—because chivalry didn’t become this way as a result of just one of the genders!

There is this balance it seems like we are trying to maintain between desperation and being a prude. It harkens back to last week’s blog in a way, in that for varying reasons, fighting for ourselves has become a foreign concept. It’s easy to believe that we have slim pickins’…great guys don’t seem to be for sale at WalMart (but man, if they were!) When the scenery looks dismal however, it doesn’t mean that it’s completely my/our problem; that we have to lower our standards or expectations of what is an appropriate, respectful, courteous and honoring way to be treated. Unfortunately, I know I’ve made a habit of doing just that at times! And when I lower my standards and accept behavior that is less than chivalrous, it makes it easier for us to accept it from the next guy and for the next guy to treat another lady in the same way. Vicious cycle. 

It would be nice if we could stop and reverse this cycle. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don’t see that happening on a corporate level anytime soon!  BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t in my own life. It doesn’t mean YOU can’t in your life. It is OK to have certain expectations for dating. It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to ask a guy to call you and ask you out versus him doing it via text message. Sex shouldn’t be an expectation, it’s an act of love and intimacy (those two things aren’t usually associated with a first date, so it’s ok to turn the offer down.) It’s ok if you don’t want to be in a private setting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sexting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sending photographs of yourself (clothed or unclothed). It’s also ok to not talk about certain topics, subjects or parts of your life until that person has earned the right to hear them. Despite what today’s dating scene suggests, not doing these things hardly make you a prude!

When I first opened my business, I remember having a conversation with a friend regarding if prices on services should be reduced when the customer flow wasn’t as ample. It was easy in those slow moments to believe it was something about me (perhaps my prices were too high, I over estimated my quality, etc.), rather than the normal ebb and flow of business. She encouraged me to not sell myself short; to keep my prices as they were (because that was what I was worth), and trust that the customers would come through the door when they were supposed to. From a business perspective, while this has been a step of faith many times, she was/is exactly right. I keep my prices and services at the level they are because I am worth it. If someone complains, I don’t take it personally. I simply recognize that us doing business together is not going to be a fit. I do this because my business is part of my livelihood and if someone doesn’t respect that, no disrespect to them, but I don’t need to be associated with that person.

Are we seeing the connections here?