I Will Fight for Me

Well, we have survived another season of The Bachelor. Survived seems like the right way to put it…from the bachelor being wishy washy, two faced, hypocritical and downright rude, Juan Pablo has been referred to as the “worst bachelor ever”.  While I wasn’t too impressed with him, the purpose of this blog isn’t to give my opinions on what he should or should not have done, but rather to focus on the girl he “rejected” at the Final Rose Ceremony. Clare.

I have to admit, even though Clare was a bit intense at times and she chose to step out of the limo that first night sporting a VERY large baby bump, I liked her. As the season wore on and she received criticism from social media, what became more apparent to me is that his 32 year old hairdresser was more like me than I wanted to initially admit. While I might not go on a TV show to find love (to all my friends who keep encouraging me to apply…sorry!), Clare represented my demographic. 

Clare began the season telling viewers that her heart was ice…not because she wanted it to be, but because life had served her experiences and relationships that made it easier to become cold and frigid rather than getting hurt one more time. Throughout the season she would reference back to that heart of ice as she put herself out there, expressed her feelings and slowly started to let the ice melt. She expressed her fear and anxiety, her hesitation, her love, her excitement, her frustration. She was visibly irritated when other girls would get time with Juan Pablo, she looked for opportunities to spend time with him, she was crushed when Juan Pablo turned the tables on her and blamed her for a late night swim in the ocean. She clearly spent time thinking about the relationship, she looked for ways to respect Juan Pablo and slowly but surely allowed herself to fall for this man. 

Now, this most certainly could have been a storyline for TV; but either Clare is a fabulous actor, or she was just being her. And I tend to believe the latter. But while America laughed at Clare, I cheered for her (even if it was silently!) See, I am very much like Clare. I too fear that I have a heart of ice. 

As I sat in my therapist’s office a couple weeks ago, I shared with her my fear that, even though I didn’t experience anxiety or even a significant amount of sadness over the last guy who left, the next guy who came along was having to start with a major disadvantage even though he, himself, hadn’t done anything. It truly made me sad that this string of guys who have been so flippant with who I am have caused me to crawl back into my turtle shell a bit and at the very least remain skeptical. I’m not a man hater, I still believe in relationships; in fact, I have great hope that I will be in one with a man who is amazing, but it is difficult to not let your heart freeze just a little bit when that rejection comes…one. more. time. 

I cheered right along with the audience as Clare refused a hug from Juan Pablo after he rejected her; her response to him was strong and honest; it left no questions. She held it together as she walked away from Juan Pablo, narrowly escaping his under the breath statement, “whew, glad I didn’t choose her!” (Don’t even get me started on how infuriating that statement was; or how telling of his character!) After hugging the host of the show, Chris Harrison, Clare gave a heartfelt interview on what it was like for her to stand alone. Again. Her words, “…Where’s the man that makes me feel like I am worthy? Where’s the man that will fight for me?” made my heart ache as I saw myself in her, leaving that island, wondering how to put all the pieces back together. 

After a few more minutes of watching Juan Pablo do what he does best…be himself…the “After the Final Rose” special began to air. Even through the TV screen, you could feel the tension, the awkwardness and a cloud of confusion as people tried to figure out what had just happened. Without wasting time, Chris Harrison told viewers that Clare would be the first to be interviewed. I admit, I was a bit apprehensive. I expected Clare to come out and talk about how betrayed, rejected and used she felt. And to be honest, she would have had every right to do so; no one would have questioned a sad and utterly confused response from a jaded Clare. But that’s not what she did.

Juan Pablo being...Juan Pablo.."eeesss ok!"

Clare walked on stage, looking stunning, and honestly and articulately shared that while she was sad, and being rejected was not something she enjoyed, she did not need time with Juan Pablo to try and get answers (or, as she put it, “get fed with more BS”). Her secret in all of this? It was standing up for herself that moment she walked away from Juan Pablo. It was, as she stated during the “After the Final Rose” special, being able to, for the first time, stand up for herself and say exactly how she felt and exactly what she thought. Her ability to fight for herself was what allowed her the closure she needed to move on from this relationship. 

That statement really hit home with me. I have felt, the older I have gotten, less freedom to truly stand up for myself and state what I need, what I want, what I feel or what I think. There is this subtle fear that can sweep over me in moments where I should stand up for myself, but wonder if it’s really worth it. This internal battle causes me to go back and forth wondering if I DO stand up for myself and speak my piece, if he will leave and I will be alone…again. I am constantly weighing if it is worth being true to myself or just better to stay quiet (at the expense of myself). 

It wasn’t too long ago that I was faced with the opportunity to stay quiet, as I always had, or to stand up for myself. Staying quiet meant I could keep someone by my side…a warm body. But it also meant staying in a relationship with no emotional safety and security; no stability. And while I knew how to function quite well in the relationship, since it was familiar to me, it began to become clear that standing up for myself would be less scary than to not. So the day came where I severed all ties, used my voice and walked away. It was not without great emotion, pain and heart break, but I did it. Many months of therapy, processing, lonely nights and re-discovering myself and what life was all about ensued. (I actually think I have tendinitis in my elbow from the pages and pages I wrote in my journal!) And while it was not without significant pain and heartache, the moment I stood up for myself was pivotal; fighting for myself gave my life back. And interestingly enough, I have found that standing up for myself has kept my heart un-frozen. It has given me permission to trust myself and my gut and to recognize the value and honor I have in myself as a woman. 

Clare’s line in her final interview after being rejected by Juan Pablo, was “…where’s the man that will fight for me?” is a line I have repeated to myself hundreds, if not thousands, of times. And while I look forward to the day that there will be an answer (in the form of an actual man) to that question, I think Clare figured out that day (when she left Juan Pablo on that beach) what I figured out the day I left my ex…that at the very least, if no one else will fight for me, I will fight for me. Because I am worth fighting for. And so are you.

Cue the Rocky theme song...