My Name is Lainey and I’m a Relationship Sabotager

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs about different masks that we wear, that I wear, when it comes to relationships. One of the masks that I focused on was “The Sabotager”. As I re-read what I wrote about that mask before I started writing this blog, I was almost in disbelief that I had written these words less than a year ago. It’s not that I didn’t believe them when I wrote them, it just feels like now, months and many experiences later, I understand these words at a level that is far deeper than I could have imagined back then.

So, to put it bluntly, I recently figured out that I sabotage relationships. And in figuring out that I do this, I almost lost out on another relationship that had a lot of great qualities. After dating a really great guy for only a couple weeks I noticed my anxiety level creeping upwards and recognized that no matter how much I tried to be nonchalant, I continued to let my mind get the best of me. On one particular night we had a minor miscommunication and while I do maintain that the consideration of communication that I was asking for was still appropriate, after a two hour conversation regarding this conflict that should never happen at that point in a relationship, something within me clicked. As the days had been passing by, I was actually preparing for him to break my heart. Though he never gave any indication that he was, in fact he continually affirmed how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked who I was, I was choosing instead to listen to past experiences and my negative internal loop instead of actually looking at reality.

Making it through that conversation and still being committed to getting to know each other left me both with a sense of relief and peace, but also some major reflection that I needed to do in regards to what my anxiety was all about, why my reaction was so inflated and really what the hell had just happened. As I sat in my chair with my coffee, a book and my journal in hand the next morning I slowly but surely came to the profound realization that as much as I desire a deep and intimate relationship, life has handed me enough experiences that often times make me less than hopeful of that happening. And as much as I hate the ending of any relationship and the depth of loneliness that it seems to leave me, I have truly become an expert at dealing with it. And if I am being honest, there is a sense of seduction in being the perpetual victim—passed over again and again by various men. 

The fact of the matter is, being in a relationship is risky. It involves vulnerability and courage and always leaves a possibility that you could get hurt. And if you have been in relationships that have ended less than amicably, it would seem that your natural reaction would be to create some sort of defense mechanism that is designed to protect you from the pain of relationships ending. 

Perhaps its pride or maybe just my own blind spot, but it was hard for me to recognize these sabotaging patterns for quite a long time.  I never had any extreme behaviors, public meltdowns, rants or overly dramatic instances that would have been, obviously, sabotaging. For me I think it was more that I went in to a relationship expecting it to end and expecting to get hurt, so I made sure that it happened in too many cases. While I never made things up or took extreme measures to sabotage a relationship, I do know that my expectations that I projected onto my potential-future-boyfriends surely did not make staying with me easy. And while there have been a few of those guys along the way where the ending of the relationship truly was all on them and NOT due to my sabotaging behaviors, I can look back now and see that there were many other relationship endings that had at least in some part to do with my own efforts to make my self-fulfilling prophecies come true. 

In my last blog I talk about the process of figuring out the way to date that most greatly reflects my desires and values. I have come to realize that in finding this balance involves looking at the pace at which a relationship develops and in focusing on this I have realized this is the area that I am prone to sabotage a relationship. Prior to the last few months I had gotten used to relationships starting (and ending) quickly. Within days we were spending every day together, communicating all day and even having conversations discussing our futures together. But 6-8 weeks in, things fizzled out and I was left again by myself on a Friday night. 

With this as a pattern beginning to become ingrained in my mind, you can imagine that a few weeks into a relationship triggers my body and mind into an automatic panic response. I’ve been through it so many times it seems that my body naturally begins to believe the end is near and sometimes even forces the end of the relationship through various means. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and uncertainty when, a few weeks into our relationship we had only gone on a handful of dates, texted sporadically and talked on the phone when our schedules allowed. Though I was told this was normal dating, it was so far from my traditional experiences that it became difficult to know how to handle it in a mature way. So I began doing the only thing I knew how to do: sabotage the relationship. I took something small and allowed it to be made into a much bigger deal than I needed to make it and prepared myself for him to end it with me that night. But he didn’t. And I admit, I had no clue how to handle it. Yet, something was very right. Call it super natural patience, grace or whatever, he calmly identified the ways that he made it clear, several times each day, that he was interested in me and wanting to pursue a relationship with me. And after explaining it, he stuck around. And he was there the next day. And the day after that. 

For me that was, what a therapist would call, an emotionally corrective experience. Throughout my entire life I have been told that I am too much to handle and that I need to find someone who will ‘put up with me’. I suppose many times I have created situations in which I have become too much to handle and basically fulfilled that prophecy in my life. For many years I prayed for a man that COULD handle the intensity of me, one that wouldn’t walk away the first sign of trouble. It took me a while to believe for myself that I wasn’t too much to handle and that the people who told me that repeatedly were wrong, but to have someone stand in front of you and reflect back the opposite of that cognitive distortion, stick around and remind me over and over what he likes about me, provides a healing experience that acts as a loudspeaker over those negative messages. 

In the days following that instance I have caught myself daily, naturally turning towards sabotaging actions when my anxiety arises. I do wish they would go away and that my gut reaction would be one of peace and presence, but I do think that the next best thing is being able to observe myself and choose how to act in a different way. So now, though the pattern is new, I am proud to say that I have started developing a new pattern: not sabotaging a relationship. And in that I have come, face to face, on a brand new level with both the risk and reward that is involved in a relationship. Not sabotaging means I don’t get to control the situation in an effort to protect myself.  Not sabotaging means that I get to be present in the relationship. Not sabotaging allows love to enter in. 

[Author’s Note: This blog was written a little over a month  prior to being posted so lest you get your hopes up that perhaps I am dating someone, no worries, this one also disappeared a couple weeks later! However, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, they were much needed. Additionally, it’s great to know that there truly was nothing that I could have done differently, his disappearance was on his own accordance; stay tuned for the next blog for my theories on this phenomenon!]

The Masks We Wear - Part 3

It’s funny how life seems to hand us situations when we least expect it, in order to see if we are gonna put our money where our mouth is! I have been privy to several situations in the recent past where I have had to exercise my self-awareness and deciphering how easily it is to slip on a mask in an effort to protect myself, find peace or at the very least, some instant gratification in the midst of confusion. And as life happens and I remain committed to being aware of what is going on in and around me, I also become more aware of different masks that are ready for use at a moment’s notice.  

For me, it’s been good to recognize, however, that the masks that we wear (even the ones that feel so closely tied to our actual identity) are there as a protective factor. They were designed, refined and well-worn in order to combat the brutal realities of what it’s like to live life in relationship with others. If it were a perfect world these masks wouldn’t exist…nor would this blog; but in spite of this, I believe it’s actually a gift to be able to understand things about ourselves so that we have a shot at being a healthy individual who can engage in healthy relationships. 

So, this week we’ll introduce a couple more masks: The Mask of Apathy and The Sabotager. 

The Mask of Apathy

I have to admit, this mask is a new one for me! While I believe it has been present for a while, it is only as of late that this mask seems to be the predominant feature in my life. Apathy, in the dictionary, is defined as the absence of emotion, passion or excitement. And when it comes to even thinking about going on another first date or starting the entire relationship process all over again, this is the mask that surges to the front. After another ending to a (short) relationship a month ago (props to the guy for formally breaking up with me…progress is being made!), the thought of going out with anyone seemed like the most unappealing thing in the world. Sure, there is the normal “grieving period” after a relationship, but this was different. It wasn’t that I was heartbroken over the relationship being over (and I implemented a fair share of my own awareness to ensure I was not wearing that Victim Mask!), it was simply that I had no emotion towards dating at all, even if it was a great guy that I might go on a date with. I noticed this mask really start to solidify when I started talking with and getting to know another guy, one who seemed perfectly good and someone I should be interested in getting to know. As his excitement grew steadily in the days leading up to our first date, I couldn’t seem to muster up even fake excitement to respond back to his incredibly sweet text messages and phone conversations. Poor guy! Here he was, trying to get to know me, and the 40 guys before him had blazed a trail that was making it difficult for him to even walk!

If a mask is supposed to protect us, then there must be a reason for the Mask of Apathy to as well. In my experiential assessment, it seems that the Mask of Apathy is worn due to exhaustion and fear. Exhaustion because dating is just that. It just simply isn’t fun going on one more first date, always having to put your best foot forward, going through the “getting-to-know-you” phase (which we HOPE leads to truly being known, but seldom seems to!) It gets old being excited, telling friend and gushing about details, only to have to go back to these same people with, yet another, break up story. It’s exhausting to continue to put yourself out there one more time while trying to maintain any ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe, the next first date could be the last first date. 

And I admit, I am apathetic because I am fearful. As exhausting as it is to play this relationship game, it’s slightly terrifying. The hamster wheel of thoughts is continually running, wondering how much to say, wondering what he is thinking, wondering what the line is between protecting yourself and your emotions versus being cold and rigid. It’s scary to open yourself up to trusting someone with your story. Dating is a risk of the highest order. For me, at the beginning of this dating journey, there was an amount of excitement and intrigue in sharing myself and my story with someone. I was hopeful in sharing things about myself that it would offer points of connection and commitment. But at some point the intrigue wore off into, yes, apathy. It was easier to emotionlessly engage in conversations, go through the motions and turn my heart (and mind) off to an extent just so that if it didn’t work out, it would hurt just a little bit less. 

It’s truly a fine line between using boundaries and protecting yourself emotionally versus shutting off your emotions and becoming apathetic. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, and like so many of the other masks that we have talked about, simply admitting it and being honest that it exists somehow seems to help. To recognize my apathy means that I cannot live in denial about it. It means that I have to acknowledge where I have been hurt and honestly reflect on what I feel comfortable with “bringing to the table” as I continue to date. I do see that apathy can protect me (it forces my hand at being slow about relationships rather than diving in too fast), but I see that it can also set me up for a different kind of disappointment—and I am the only one responsible for that. 

Recognizing this mask also helps to keep me in check realistically and gives me permission to set and stick to boundaries and still allow myself to be hopeful, even when life and relationships seem to be a dismay. 

And while apathy protects me from having to feel some of those negative emotions like confusion, anger, resentment, frustration or irritation, it also then hinders me from being able to experience joy, gratitude, peace and happiness. The recognition of this mask, then, provides me with an opportunity to experience the spectrum of emotions in order for life to be truly full and satisfying.

The Sabotager

This mask…well, this mask I really dislike. It’s great at it’s job. It is subtle and effective and can go unrecognized forever if we let it. The sabotager.  We have all heard of people who sabotage themselves when good things are about to happen. The person who creates unnecessary drama when facing the possibility of commitment. The person who, right before a job interview with a huge promotion, gets strung out on substances so they are not able to make the interview. It’s more common than we think, and it’s humbling to recognize where The Sabotager has shown up in my life. 

To be fair, if we wear the Sabotager Mask, it is because life has handed us circumstances (both provoked and unprovoked) that have made it difficult to accept good things because we fear those things being taken away from us.  It’s truly humbling to admit that prior to the not so distant past, I sabotaged my relationships prior to them even beginning. At some point in my growing up years I began to operate out of the mindset that I was too much to handle (as a person) and it was my job to sacrifice myself for the needs of others (this was reinforced significantly by my stout religious upbringing). And while I do understand that life, nor relationships, need not be entirely about me, I came to believe that to have needs, wants and desires was selfish (therefore creating the belief that I was too much to handle) and would need to give to others at the expense of myself, entirely. You can imagine the creatures that flocked to me. Unhealthy, emotionally unavailable, abusive, addicts, uncommitted, legalistic, uncaring, rude, over-spiritualizing…I was a prime candidate for these types of men. 

[Side note: because I realize that I am the common denominator in those relationships, it is important, as always, that I understand that I should have sought help, restoration, healing and health. I had choices to get into and stay in these relationships, continue dating men who fit those descriptions as well as to not value myself.]

My Sabotager Mask was always on. I truly believed I did not deserve mutuality, respect, compassion, care and equality. As a result I sabotaged those relationships, and really, myself, before they even began. Had I recognized the underlying issues and addressed my fear, cognitive distortions and false belief system, I cannot help but believe that my Sabotager Mask wouldn’t have been present because it would have had no need. In later years of life, after recognizing these patterns in myself (but still not dealing with them), the Sabotager would present itself as projection, panic, clinginess, desperation and intensity. Perhaps I was not dating the same type of emotionally unavailable man, but my beliefs about myself had not changed so the Sabotager simply changed it’s strategies of external appearance. 

If the Sabotager Mask is present in order to protect from getting hurt, or to uphold belief systems (albeit, false belief systems), then there is an amount of gratitude to be paid as it has done it’s job well. The Sabotager recognizes that dealing with whats going on underneath seems more painful than repeating the cycle (which is denial at it’s core) and does what it needs to do to keep us in familiar territory. The Sabotager recognizes that our own dysfunction is somehow functional and works hard to maintain a sense of equilibrium (or “status quo”).

If I’m being honest, the Sabotager Mask is probably the one that requires the most amount of external support, guidance, time and diligence to take off. It’s vivid presence in your life is so woven into the fabric of who you are on every level that, in many ways, a new foundation is required. There is hope though. While painful to deal with, the reward in looking at those internal and external messages, false beliefs, experiences, relationships and distortions is healthy relationship (of all kinds). It is not a light commitment to make, but rather a daily commitment to wholehearted living with motivation to get yourself back no matter what. 

And, I have to admit, there is an amount of celebration that happens internally every time you recognize how you normally would have responded to a situation (in the past) versus how you want to and actually do presently respond. 

Party on…