Finale. Finally.

Photo Credit: hollywoodreporter.com

Finally. The Bachelorette finale—the end to the most dramatic season ever—was aired last night. For quite some time Monday nights have been my favorite. Watching the Bachelor/ette has been fairly cathartic, a chance to zone out a bit, laugh and watch a train wreck happening while knowing full well that it's not my train wreck to have to deal with. But over the last six weeks or so (with the exception of the Men Tell All), I have found myself more and more reluctant to watch it. The show got me more hyped up and anxious rather than relaxed. And...wait for it...I almost opted not to watch it last night!!! Gilmore Girls sounded so much more appealing! But alas, I did watch it and as I sit here and write I feel a major sense of relief. 

My desire is to live life as drama free as possible. I mean, sure, the sheer fact that we are humans in relationships means we cannot eliminate drama and chaotic situations entirely. The fact that we all have different opinions, preferences and values, means that at some point or another drama has the potential to happen. 

One of the things I love the most about having my own office is that it is a sacred space for other people to come and share their stories (...and drama) and then, when I am done at the end of the day, I can close my door, lock it and literally walk away from all that I heard that day. I get paid to deal with chaos in my professional life so I shy away from immersing myself in it in my personal life. I have made boundaries with relationships (of all levels of depth) to ensure that the people I most closely surround myself with aren't interested in stirring things up or aren't always found at the center of drama with other relationships in their lives. Drama makes me tired. It makes me anxious and I can feel it in my entire body. It makes me want to run away, to hide and sometimes to isolate.

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During one of the most difficult periods of my life, when I was dating my abusive ex-boyfriend, I was introduced to a group of people who later became my friends. While I was honored to be interacting with these people as I had heard so much about them from my ex, I slowly started to realize that anytime I was with them there was some major crisis, fight, gossip and general drama that presided over the room. My head would literally spin trying to keep everyone’s stories straight, knowing who I could talk to about what and fearing that if I said the wrong thing it would somehow get back to someone who would then start talking about me. The best word I can use to describe it is yucky. In fact, the drama of those relationships had such a deep impact on me that I still sometimes worry that if I invite new people into my life that it will become dramatic all over again. The mere thought of that sounds so unappealing to the point that I would rather just be by myself sometimes.  

[Note: drama and conflict are not interchangeable. Conflict doesn't have to be bad--in fact it can be healthy to disagree with someone, as long as both parties are committed to having appropriate and healthy responses rather than going on the defense and reacting inappropriately. Drama almost certainly leads to conflict; conflict does not have to lead to drama.]

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks on Mondays that I have not had as much exuberance about turning The Bachelorette on, but it took me until last night to consciously realize that my waning interest in my Monday night rituals made me feel as if I had never left my office. Or that I was back in a world where drama and chaos characterized all of my relationships. My head would spin back then and it has certainly been spinning the last few Monday nights! 

This whole concept has really gotten me thinking though. It’s been humbling to realize how many times I do things because I think I am supposed to, because I feel incapable of changing things, because others expect something from me or because questioning the status quo would be perceived as inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a people-pleaser (though I do go through periods where I can be!) but sometimes in those dramatic situations it’s like a car accident that you don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take your eyes off of! 

What I realized last night about the anxiety that The Bachelorette gives me is somewhat of a culmination of what I have been trying to be mindful of in the last year or so. Being in tune with myself, paying attention to the signals my body gives to me, recognizing how I am feeling in the moment, re-vamping areas of my life that feel overwhelming and recognizing the things that give me life, joy and peace. These acts of mindfulness and awareness have de-dramatized my life in such a way that it makes it easier to spot (almost instantly) when something is happening around me that seems to be the opposite of what I value the most. 

Photo Credit: tinybuddha.com

I am grateful for the 6 month break when the new season of The Bachelor will begin airing...hopefully the time off will allow me time to decompress from the chaos that was this season. Truth be told, I don’t foresee anytime in the near-ish future that I would stop watching this show altogether! That being said, knowing how this show has the potential to decrease my desire for peaceful living will now become a sort of filter and may even mean shutting the TV off when I need to—trusting that perhaps my mental sanity is more important than having an episode to dissect at the water cooler the next morning (…not that I have a water cooler, but you get what I mean!)







©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

My Name is Lainey and I’m a Relationship Sabotager

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs about different masks that we wear, that I wear, when it comes to relationships. One of the masks that I focused on was “The Sabotager”. As I re-read what I wrote about that mask before I started writing this blog, I was almost in disbelief that I had written these words less than a year ago. It’s not that I didn’t believe them when I wrote them, it just feels like now, months and many experiences later, I understand these words at a level that is far deeper than I could have imagined back then.

So, to put it bluntly, I recently figured out that I sabotage relationships. And in figuring out that I do this, I almost lost out on another relationship that had a lot of great qualities. After dating a really great guy for only a couple weeks I noticed my anxiety level creeping upwards and recognized that no matter how much I tried to be nonchalant, I continued to let my mind get the best of me. On one particular night we had a minor miscommunication and while I do maintain that the consideration of communication that I was asking for was still appropriate, after a two hour conversation regarding this conflict that should never happen at that point in a relationship, something within me clicked. As the days had been passing by, I was actually preparing for him to break my heart. Though he never gave any indication that he was, in fact he continually affirmed how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked who I was, I was choosing instead to listen to past experiences and my negative internal loop instead of actually looking at reality.

Making it through that conversation and still being committed to getting to know each other left me both with a sense of relief and peace, but also some major reflection that I needed to do in regards to what my anxiety was all about, why my reaction was so inflated and really what the hell had just happened. As I sat in my chair with my coffee, a book and my journal in hand the next morning I slowly but surely came to the profound realization that as much as I desire a deep and intimate relationship, life has handed me enough experiences that often times make me less than hopeful of that happening. And as much as I hate the ending of any relationship and the depth of loneliness that it seems to leave me, I have truly become an expert at dealing with it. And if I am being honest, there is a sense of seduction in being the perpetual victim—passed over again and again by various men. 

The fact of the matter is, being in a relationship is risky. It involves vulnerability and courage and always leaves a possibility that you could get hurt. And if you have been in relationships that have ended less than amicably, it would seem that your natural reaction would be to create some sort of defense mechanism that is designed to protect you from the pain of relationships ending. 

Perhaps its pride or maybe just my own blind spot, but it was hard for me to recognize these sabotaging patterns for quite a long time.  I never had any extreme behaviors, public meltdowns, rants or overly dramatic instances that would have been, obviously, sabotaging. For me I think it was more that I went in to a relationship expecting it to end and expecting to get hurt, so I made sure that it happened in too many cases. While I never made things up or took extreme measures to sabotage a relationship, I do know that my expectations that I projected onto my potential-future-boyfriends surely did not make staying with me easy. And while there have been a few of those guys along the way where the ending of the relationship truly was all on them and NOT due to my sabotaging behaviors, I can look back now and see that there were many other relationship endings that had at least in some part to do with my own efforts to make my self-fulfilling prophecies come true. 

In my last blog I talk about the process of figuring out the way to date that most greatly reflects my desires and values. I have come to realize that in finding this balance involves looking at the pace at which a relationship develops and in focusing on this I have realized this is the area that I am prone to sabotage a relationship. Prior to the last few months I had gotten used to relationships starting (and ending) quickly. Within days we were spending every day together, communicating all day and even having conversations discussing our futures together. But 6-8 weeks in, things fizzled out and I was left again by myself on a Friday night. 

With this as a pattern beginning to become ingrained in my mind, you can imagine that a few weeks into a relationship triggers my body and mind into an automatic panic response. I’ve been through it so many times it seems that my body naturally begins to believe the end is near and sometimes even forces the end of the relationship through various means. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and uncertainty when, a few weeks into our relationship we had only gone on a handful of dates, texted sporadically and talked on the phone when our schedules allowed. Though I was told this was normal dating, it was so far from my traditional experiences that it became difficult to know how to handle it in a mature way. So I began doing the only thing I knew how to do: sabotage the relationship. I took something small and allowed it to be made into a much bigger deal than I needed to make it and prepared myself for him to end it with me that night. But he didn’t. And I admit, I had no clue how to handle it. Yet, something was very right. Call it super natural patience, grace or whatever, he calmly identified the ways that he made it clear, several times each day, that he was interested in me and wanting to pursue a relationship with me. And after explaining it, he stuck around. And he was there the next day. And the day after that. 

For me that was, what a therapist would call, an emotionally corrective experience. Throughout my entire life I have been told that I am too much to handle and that I need to find someone who will ‘put up with me’. I suppose many times I have created situations in which I have become too much to handle and basically fulfilled that prophecy in my life. For many years I prayed for a man that COULD handle the intensity of me, one that wouldn’t walk away the first sign of trouble. It took me a while to believe for myself that I wasn’t too much to handle and that the people who told me that repeatedly were wrong, but to have someone stand in front of you and reflect back the opposite of that cognitive distortion, stick around and remind me over and over what he likes about me, provides a healing experience that acts as a loudspeaker over those negative messages. 

In the days following that instance I have caught myself daily, naturally turning towards sabotaging actions when my anxiety arises. I do wish they would go away and that my gut reaction would be one of peace and presence, but I do think that the next best thing is being able to observe myself and choose how to act in a different way. So now, though the pattern is new, I am proud to say that I have started developing a new pattern: not sabotaging a relationship. And in that I have come, face to face, on a brand new level with both the risk and reward that is involved in a relationship. Not sabotaging means I don’t get to control the situation in an effort to protect myself.  Not sabotaging means that I get to be present in the relationship. Not sabotaging allows love to enter in. 

[Author’s Note: This blog was written a little over a month  prior to being posted so lest you get your hopes up that perhaps I am dating someone, no worries, this one also disappeared a couple weeks later! However, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, they were much needed. Additionally, it’s great to know that there truly was nothing that I could have done differently, his disappearance was on his own accordance; stay tuned for the next blog for my theories on this phenomenon!]

Side Effects of Awareness

Dating is just exhausting. To put yourself out there time and time again, only to be rejected, just sucks. And it’s unfair too. Too many times, for whatever reason, it seems like the man gets to up and decide that it’s over and the woman has no say (I’m speaking from my own experience). His “stuff” comes up by my simple presence and overwhelms him to the point of being uncomfortable—needing to get away. 

Seems like there is a blessing and a curse to being healthy. On the one hand, being healthy is the best for me (and others in my life seem to benefit from my health too). It allows me to be the best version of me in order to have a shot at a healthy relationship. It allows me to take myself out of my own shoes in a conflictual situation and see from “his” perspective. I think working on yourself and understanding who you are is hugely attractive too. I think self-awareness is magnetic and bright.

So bright, in fact, that people who aren’t used to it [self-awareness—which comes through working on oneself] can only be around it for so long before they are faced with a choice: to look at themselves and be open to the process or to turn away (out of awkwardness and un-comfortability) and walk the other direction. Their life of un-awareness is too familiar, too un-demanding, too easy. To stand in the presence and light of someone who is actively seeking whole health is almost intimidating. Like their sheer presence shines a light on the untouched and unhealthy parts of another. 

I get it…doing the work is NOT easy. For over a year now my life has been peeled back, layer by layer. There has been a lot of ugliness and yuck that has surfaced. Years of distortions, repressed emotion, abusive relationships, my own sort-comings…all of these came to light. I guess I was just at a point in my life where the thought of living with this internal heaviness that was constantly being held at bay sounded scarier than one day of the unknown: living in a world where I deal with the yuck. 

I suppose for many of those years I was looking for a white horse…a relationship, a new job, a new location, a new experience or maybe even a new pair of pants to ride in and save me…to make things better; by this white horse’s presence all that I held at bay would become obsolete. It seemed though that the more I looked for something or someone to be the white horse, the bigger the pile of shit grew that I was trying to hold at bay. Debilitating seems like the accurate way to describe my life. Waiting for the white horse seemed agonizing. 

Typically I consider myself to be a smart person who catches on quickly. But it seems when it comes to figuring things out about myself, my ability to see clearly is similar to walking through a dark cave while wearing sunglasses…nearly impossible. Somewhere along the way though, grace was offered to me and I came face to face with a new reality. I didn’t have to wait for a white horse to ride in and save me from all that I held at bay. I WAS THE WHITE HORSE…the only person who could save me was me.

I am the white horse. 

When I realized that, there was an element of liberation…it gives me permission to move forward, and I like that. And there is something quite gratifying when, as each layer is being peeled back, you can celebrate your own survival. At the same time the commitment to save yourself is a commitment to sit in the mire and muck as long as it takes, rather than looking for someone or something else to save you, or at the very least, distract you. That part sucks.

At some point though, I began to notice that when I stopped fighting the process, when I stopped resisting, when I allowed myself to be brutally honest and open with myself, others and God (all things I thought would only ADD to the weight of what I was carrying), a beautiful thing happened. Life became easier. When before I was fighting frantically to keep my head above water in a stormy sea, I suddenly was swimming…and the storm wasn’t as daunting and vicious.

I am on the other side of  a season of intense storms and layer peeling. Despite the moments of agony, I can’t say that I’m sad I went through it. I came out the other side a happier, healthier and whole person. I would NEVER trade that in.

Without desiring to sound cocky, this season of refinement (that by no means is over), has created in me a magnetic force…a moth to a flame. My journey has afforded me awareness, compassion, wholeness, mindfulness, strength and health that is attractive to others. I get it…I am (and have been/currently am) attracted to those people—mesmerized by some unexplainable force. But just like at some point their energy became intimidating (for I knew that they had something I didn’t, and didn’t know if I was strong enough to go after), mine can become intimidating too (though THEY nor I never meant it to be that).

For me, I have seen this intimidating most clearly in the arena of dating.

It’s a rare occurrence to sit in front of a person and not be enamored with how they can articulate themselves and show up with a level of authenticity and vulnerability.  It’s instantly attractive (albeit, of course there are those occasions when personalities simply don’t click). For the Self-Aware person this is just another day in which they show up as themselves. For the person who hasn’t put the time and effort in (we’ll call him the “Unaware”) - this day is not just another day, but rather a day set apart as they have come into contact with someone unlike they have ever met (and in their ignorance/innocence, they truly mean it!)

And so the Unaware becomes excited. Finally his search for love has led somewhere—the sun is bright, the flowers are unusually beautiful smelling and all is right with the world. But only for a minute. We all know that the more time you spend with someone the more of your self comes out. This is true regardless if you are Aware or Unaware. The problem arises when Aware continues to show up as her authentic self—being real about the past, present and future (which takes mega courage and vulnerability), never wavering from her initial steadiness of character. The Unaware shows more of himself too, but in his ‘showing of self’ to the Aware person, he suddenly realizes the light she shines with her mere presence exposes some unfavorable parts in him. It seems only a matter of time until her Aware/light/presence, unknowingly “forces” the Unaware to deal or to run. 

Too often the Unaware chooses to run. 

It hasn’t been until recently that I have been able to actually call out this process…to recognize it for what it is. As someone who seeks after Self-Awareness, I am also aware of when I slip on the Victim Mask, but there comes a point when I can accept responsibility for my part in it and then give “him” the responsibility that is his.

My responsibility is not to make him aware. My responsibility is to live every day committed to being the best version of myself. If that version (of an Aware-me) causes dissonance in his life, my responsibility remains to me and truly living out of the fullness of who I am rather than watering it down in order to make it more comfortable for him. 

Effort like this does not come without potential pain and heartbreak. It takes great courage and bravery. No matter what the outcome though, when I am living out of my highest value of self, there is never room for regret. 

Shine on.