Stop It.

Ok, so I was trying really hard to refrain from writing more Bachelor blogs in an effort to not get caught up in the drama. So far I’ve done a pretty good job but after the finale episode of Bachelor in Paradise last night, I simply couldn’t resist! (And for those of you who don’t know what Bachelor in Paradise is, it’s a summer show about love and dating with previous Bachelor/ette cast members).  And to affirm that I needed to write a blog about this, even my friend texted me to tell me she thought I should write about it!

During the 5-6 weeks that the cast was away in Mexico there were relationships that developed at the beginning and lasted the duration of the show that seemed to be headed in the direction of making it in the real world as a couple. In fact, one of the couples even got engaged at the end and are planning to get married in the near future! The other couple, affectionally dubbed Kirkly (Kirk and Carly), did not have as happy of an ending though. Breaking up with anyone is never an easy task. I would imagine that breaking up with someone in front of cameras and knowing in the back of your mind that it will be broadcasted on national television is even worse. 

If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, you have likely read a couple blogs inspired by Carly Waddell. I think what inspires me about her is that I feel like she and I have such similar lives—she just lives hers on a more public forum. Carly has a way of sharing her thoughts and experiences in a way that seem very raw and honest to her and very empathetic and connecting to others. So when Kirk broke up with her, or rather blindsided her, I’ll bet if you listened closely you likely would have heard thousands of other women across America gasping as they too have felt the gut-punch of the switch being flipped, their world turning upside down and being left in the dust by someone they thought was in it for the long haul. 

As we headed into the “After Paradise” special last night, despite the huge amount of awkwardness that was present when Kirk and Carly were on stage together, I think most of us were curious to hear more about what happened! I can give Kirk some points for sincerely apologizing; I don’t think his intent was to hurt Carly, but the manner in which he went about the relationship and then the break up was, in my opinion, quite terrible. After Kirk tried apologizing to Carly we learned that less than 24 hours before he broke up with Carly (with the reasons being he felt like it was moving too fast and he had been questioning the relationship with her for a while), he and Carly had conversations about their future outside of Paradise and Kirk had expressed excitement and confirmation that he was ok with the pace of the relationship, couldn’t wait to meet her family, had a house in the suburbs with rooms (for kids someday) and even talked to Carly about moving to be with him. AND these were not one-time conversations… 

I applaud Carly for the way she handled herself because I would have had a few more choice words to say about the situation if it were me! When Carly was asked if she had anything else to say, her words were perfect: “…for all the women that this has happened to, just like, guys, stop doing this. Like stop! Don’t do this to someone else! Please stop doing this because this is wrong. This is just wrong!” (This is the point where I knew I absolutely had to write a blog about this!) Carly wasn’t saying this out of malice or vindication, she was saying it from experience—experience of being told by men she was dating that they were in, wanting the relationship, looking at the future, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath her and left to shake her head wondering what had just happened!

Do you know that this experience—the experience that Carly was talking about—has happened to me more times than the number of fingers on my hands? I kid you not. I could tell story after story of guys who have consistently and passionately told me how wonderful I was, how I was unlike anyone they had met, how they could see their future with me, how they wanted to have kids with me, how they were looking to include me in financial decisions and not-too-distant future plans only to, less than a week later (and sometimes mere hours later) flip the switch and tell me it was going too fast, that they got caught up in the moment or made up some lame excuse that I would be better with someone else! I literally have had PTSD like reactions around the 5-6 week point of any relationship because of how many times this has happened!

For Kirk’s sake I would love to cut him some slack and say “oh, it’s just a Northern guy thing”…I mean it is, for sure. Living in the North I had many of those experiences in relationships myself (can I just tell you how  many guys have told me they could see themselves marrying me and then never have? I should have been married at least 17 times by now!) And while those Northern boys certainly are different in their approaches to relationships, I haven’t found much better luck here in the South. Essentially, it’s a guy thing. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why it happens! 

See, here’s the thing, I don’t think it’s just me who thinks about the future of a relationship. I have been known to, on more than one (or ten) occasions pair my first name with his last name. Or I have imagined a future together; I’ve thought about where we would live, what we would talk about for the rest of our lives or the types of activities we would be involved in. I’ve thought about how many kids we would have, if I would have to drive a mini-van or if we would be those parents who annoyingly gush about how perfect their children are. But you know what? In all of the times that I have thought about these things I have NEVER initiated conversations about the future (unless we truly were in a committed relationship where it was natural to continue those discussions). But if my memory serves me right, in every one of these aforementioned times, the guy has. Again and again. Sometimes it’s really difficulty not to join in on his future planning with me, but I’ve learned from experience that those conversations don’t usually end well. 

I don’t get it. I really don’t. At the risk of sounding prideful, I think that I’m a good catch; it doesn’t surprise me anymore when guys think that too. What surprises me is how they, in an instant, stop thinking that. What surprises me is how a guy can be fine with the pace of the relationship (even the driver of the pace) and without warning have a mini-meltdown at how fast it is going (and inevitably find something you said as a point to blame this sudden shift of mentality on—I’m not bitter, I swear! Ok, but really, I’m not; I’ve come to terms a long time ago that when this happens it’s more about him than it is about me, but it still catches me off guard!) and suddenly end it! Ummmmm, can I get an Amen?

Perhaps I should have stated it at the beginning, but this blog is not going to end with everything tied up in a neat packaged and adorned with a pretty bow—if I had the inside scoop to this weird guy-phenomenon, believe me I would tell you! And ladies, you’re not entirely off the hook…I think many of us have been known to do this a time or two as well. So to echo the words of Carly, why don’t we all just stop it!

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Why Being Single Sucks

As mentioned in a previous post, I recently celebrated another birthday, so yes, for those of you who didn't know, I will gladly accept your belated birthday gifts! Birthdays have never been a big thing for me; I'm not one of those people who does a birthday week (or month!) or who makes sure that everyone knows it's her special day. There have even been a few times where I've gone somewhere else for dinner on my birthday than where I would have preferred because it wasn't worth the conflict with others. My birthday is in the summer so when people ask me what a perfect birthday would be like it would include being outside, sunny weather, Pina Coladas and some body of water (such as the ocean...if I get to be picky. I mean, c'mon, it is my birthday after all!) And if we're going to push my celebration into the evening, it should also include Mexican food. Oh, and people I love also there. In my opinion, this should not be a difficult birthday to execute. In fact, I would take that every year if I could! 

The funny thing is, however, birthday's have never been that great for me. I've never quite found anyone who is interested in spending a day with me like that. People have been busy, the weather has been abnormally cold or people just flat out were not interested. Last year, however, was one of the greatest birthday's I had because I got to have my perfect day (which is how I know I would be cool with it the rest of my life.) The guy I was dating at the time and I shared a birthday so we took all of our favorite things and combined them into one day of activities that included a pedicure, Starbucks, pool time, a limo ride, one of our favorite restaurants and a great place for drinks afterwards (among a few other things). Turns out that when both people’s mission is to make it the best day for the other person, you both end up having an amazing time!

Perhaps it is because another year is in the books and it gets harder to resist getting botox for those inevitable wrinkles I am getting, but birthdays often times seem to be this “in your face” way of showing your relationship status. Well, for me at least. As I sat on my couch after just having ordered Domino’s pizza for one, it became painfully obvious that I was the only one sitting there and celebrating me. As I talked about this with family and close friends, the conclusion we came up with is that birthdays as a single person truly can be awkward and difficult. When you are dating or married you have someone who is planning you a party or at the very least asking you what to do. For one day of the year it is usually their mission to make sure that everything is about you. As a single person it can be much more difficult to have to ask a friend if they would like to plan you a party (yes, yes, I know I could just plan the party myself but sometimes I don’t want to do that either!)

I know it can be easy to get caught up in a downward cycle of cynicism or bitterness of all of the things that are more difficult when you are a single person, but I just couldn’t resist sharing with y’all all of the things that I came up with on my birthday this year of why being single kinda sucks (on other days too—not just your birthday)!

Top 25 Things that are Difficult when you are Single

1. Those little tiny buttons on the back of your dress or shirt that are impossible to button yourself
2. When you are holding a waffle cone in one hand and bags in the other and your phone rings and you have no one who can hold your waffle cone (and you can’t set it down!) 
3. When your shower head is screwed on too tight which doesn't make it possible to switch to the shower head that you really want.
4. Having to make up elaborate stories to your Uber cab driver about your husband who is still sleeping while you are on the way to the airport early in the morning so that the driver doesn't go back to your house and rob it. 
5. Trying to put together cute, non-yoga pants outfits when you get invited out.
6. Really coming to terms with having to save for retirement on your own (which is even harder when you are self employed)
7. Thinking about getting a dog and knowing that you have full potty-training-responsibility
8. Wondering if you should give up your bed to couple friend/family from out of town and opt to sleep on an air mattress
9. Having no way of gauging if my PMS symptoms are normal or if they impact others in a negative way.
10. Having to plan birthday parties for yourself
11. Cooking for one, despite the fact that you love cooking, because you don’t want to have to eat lasagna for then next 14 days.
    
12. Having to ask yourself if the dress you are wearing makes you look fat
13. Literally having no one else to blame for the mounds of laundry sitting, unfolded in a basket. 
14. Believing that Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are actually your best friends and therefore convincing yourself that spending the night watching them on Netflix is just as good as spending time with your actual human friends. 
15. Seriously considering changing up the side of the bed you sleep on so that you don't have to wash your sheets as often. 
16. Explaining to the guy with the gold teeth at Jiffy Lube, every time you go in for an oil change, who again tells you he notices you don’t have a wedding ring on that you are still single and that you still aren't interested in him taking you out for a good time. 
17. Drinking at home, by yourself, more than one night in a row. 
18. Being terrified of rodents and, after finding them (ahem, a rat) in your home having to put your big girl panties on to catch it AND dispose of it. (Side note: I've come a long way in my fear of rodents after 2 particular experiences!)
19. Figuring out how in the world you can have so much garbage that you have to put the garbage can out every week. 
20. Not knowing if cleaning the house while wearing short shorts, soccer socks, high heels and blasting Kelly Clarkson is sexy or considered abnormal and something I should be seeing a therapist about. 
21. Figuring how to evenly disperse sunscreen on my back so that I don't have outrageous tan lines. Or just figuring out how to put sunscreen on my back, period. 
22. Having to wonder if showering and personal hygiene is really that important since there is no one that is actually that close to you (physically).
23. Having to work really hard to convince yourself that signing up for the Bachelor really will not be that good for your mental health and sanity. 
24. Buying yourself gifts from Santa and then having to wrap them up, set them up and act surprised in the morning
25. At some point, having to adjust to have someone else in your space...your carefully crafted space and safe place. YOUR space that prior to the relationship you thought you were care free and low maintenance about only to find that you are perhaps one of the most OCD people in the world and actually get crabby about someone else not arranging the pillows on the couch just right. 

I know, I know...these are definitely in jest, but seriously people, the struggle is real! So to that end, who would like to start planning my birthday party for next year?

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Good isn't Good Enough

Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special. 

I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena. 

While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. 

And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys. 

I want to be with someone great. 

As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)

I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did  make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied. 

When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself. 

And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude. 

As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too. 

I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.

So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

No Fear in the Moment

Photo Credit: etonline.com

Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

Photo Credit: abcnews.go.com

Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Girls who have their $*!# together

I’m starting to feel like a broken record every week as I do my “Therapeutic Bachelorette Recaps” as I talk about the insane amount of drama on this season. If someone knows who I can contact to be the show’s therapist, please let me know; I would

Photo Credit: USWeekly.com

love to know what is going through the men’s heads as they say and do certain things! Weeding through the drama to find some sort of redeemable and universal relationship lesson has been no easy task but after sleeping on it there was something very familiar about last night’s episode that I have experienced many times in my adventure of dating—and I could guess that many of you have too. 

First, let me introduce you to Ian. Since night one  he has made it very clear that he was on the show for Kaitlyn (and not Britt). As he tells us his backstory that got him to this point, I think most of America’s hearts melted as we heard about a tragic accident he had with a prognosis of never being able to walk again (and he now runs marathons), quite the impeccable resume, graduated Princeton, used to model, is a good looking guy for sure and seems incredibly genuine and interested in finding someone to spend his life with. But despite all these accolades, Ian seems to fall into the background each episode. We see him and hear him from time to time, but the drama of the house has either severely overshadowed him or he has made it a point to hang back (or both). Nevertheless, Ian is painted as a guy who is there for, pardon the cliche, “the right reasons”. 

Well, until last night. 

Ian has finally had enough of this “in the background stuff” and lets production know that he is never the guy who hangs in the back of the pack. He’s confident, charming, can get any girl he wants (and even goes so far to say as he has a lot of sex with a lot of girls) and reiterates his resume, education, accolades and the fact that he has defied death. We hear from him that Kaitlyn is only half as hot as his ex-girlfriend and that he would be a perfect candidate for the next Bachelor.(Click the link for the video/his statements...it's pretty crazy!) In the final scene of the episode last night we see Ian asking Kaitlyn to talk at the Cocktail Party (before the Rose Ceremony) and he lays into her. He tells Kaitlyn that he expected to come into this situation with someone who was shattered and had just had her heart broken rather than looking for someone to ‘plow her field’ (bringing in a joke that she made from last season), that she was a shallow person and didn’t go beneath the surface, that he didn’t trust her or her intentions and was just there to make out with a bunch of guys. And then…To Be Continued. 

As I picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to process through what just happened, words would just not come to me. Normally after the show is over I filter through the different things that I could possibly write about but not last night…last night I had to shove it under the rug per say and start reading a lighthearted book before I went to bed! As I was on my way to my office this morning it suddenly hit me that the reason I was so stunned by these accusations towards Kaitlyn from Ian is because I have had, on multiple occasions, things like that said to me. 

Photo Credit: thinkpynk.com

There’s this interesting thing about being single after 30—if we’ve been diligent we have likely gone to school and have a degree or two under our belts. We have likely established ourselves in our careers. We’ve probably been around the block a time or two with less than great relationships and learned how to pick ourselves back up, grieve, come to a place of acceptance and even learn from our mistakes in order to make us a better person. Maybe we have even had some great relationships that show us what we want. Perhaps we have done our own self work, we likely have our finances in order, we have learned to minimize the baggage we bring into relationships and started to understand what our triggers are, the things that are the most valuable to us and have thoughts and opinions on how life should be. We have learned how to be self-sufficient and independent and determined the difference between needing a partner and wanting a partner. It’s not that you can’t have those things before you are in your 30’s, it’s just that most of the time these things come with the territory of being in your 30’s (and above) and single (or single again). 

What I have learned in my dating experiences is that as much as a guy is attracted to the independence, self-sufficiency and self-knowledge these also are the things that can feel like a major threat. Ian’s statement last night “I thought you were going to come into this a shattered person after Chris Soules broke your heart…” suggests that he was looking for a woman that he could save, come to the rescue and be her hero. Finding out that those things were not what she needed can be a blow to the ego and causes one to have to reevaluate what the relationship is, including his own role in it. 

Many of the reasons that relationships I’ve been in that have deteriorated have been for those reasons: the guy is looking to be my knight in shining armor and I’m looking for someone to do life with. I’ve had conversations in which “he” (whomever I was dating at the time) was put off by the fact that I could easily financially support myself or that I made more money than him. I’ve had accusations thrown at me that I am psychoanalyzing “him” simply because I bring up something that is bothering me. I’ve dated guys who, after hearing bits and pieces of my story, want to be the hero of the situation in putting me back together and struggle when I a) don’t need them to put me back together or b) don’t want them to put me back together. I’ve been told that I am intimidating because of my educational degrees, the fact that I have built a business or that I am motivated to get things done. Each of these mentions of intimidations comes with a slew of excuses or accusations about who that person thinks I am because I don’t match the picture of who they thought I should be or who they wanted me to be. 

Photo Credit: pintrest.com

When they find out that I don’t need them but rather just want them (which I think is way healthier anyways), it puts them into a frenzy of having to then determine if they can stay in a relationship with someone who is generally doing ok. And what I’ve come to find out is that guys really don’t like that. Ian really didn’t like that. In fact, I would tend to believe that guys might see that as a threat. I think Ian did. And you know what we do when we feel threatened? We defend ourselves. We say whatever we need to say, no matter how untrue or asinine it might be, we throw accusations, we puff ourselves up, we blame the other person, shift responsibility all in an effort to make ourselves feel better (and if we’re being honest here, this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationship settings, this can happen in all types of relationships).

Though I don’t know how the conversation between Ian and Kaitlyn ended (hence the “To Be Continued…”) knowing how Kaitlyn has conducted herself with the guys this season, she likely will reiterate that she is looking for a husband who encompasses the things that she values. And I don’t think she will be apologetic about not being the type of girl that Ian wants, even needs, her to be. Major props for that! 

Photo Credit: thefairjilt.com

I used to think I needed to apologize for who I was, the things that I had accomplished or the successes that I worked hard to achieve in my life. Certainly I don’t want to come across boastful (or even intimidating, on purpose) to anyone, but to have to dial myself back in order to be the type of person that someone else needs me to be in order for them to feel comfortable and competent is codependency defined. Plus, I don’t want (nor do I think Kaitlyn wants) a guy who is intimidated by me or looks on me with pity in need of a savior. 

Be you. Unapologetically. A guy who is intimidated by a girl who has their shit together doesn’t deserve a rose anyways. 

Squirming in my Seat

Photo Credit: amandatalkstv.com

Well, we’re back to the therapeutic Bachelorette blogs! There are a lot of interesting dynamics in this season. If you’ve watched the show for any length of time it’s easy to see that Kaitlyn is a very different type of Bachelorette. She marches to the beat of her own drum, has a backbone, goes with her gut instincts and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone! In many ways, I think there are some pretty desirable qualities. Besides these things, we see her struggle through different decisions. She’s messy, she’s honest, she’s real and she doesn’t try to look like she has it all together, even in front of the guys. I’d say that’s about as authentic as you can get on a reality TV show! 

The season though has been characterized by one dramatic situation after another, and there seems to be no end in sight. Last night’s episode began and ended with it—and had me tweeting to the producers of the Bachelor to do an “after dark” segment (like the popular reality TV show “Big Brother”) so we can see what goes on behind the scenes! (I think I might need help…are there any support groups for people who care too much about the Bachelor?!?) 

So just as we think that things are finally about to slow down and return to the normal level of Bachelorette drama, another guy shows up on the scene and asks Kaitlyn if he can join the crew of guys who are pursuing her. But it’s not just any guy. Its Nick Viall (pronounced “vile”…which should tell you a bit about his character right off the bat.) This is the guy who was runner up on the last season of the Bachelorette (with Andi)—the same guy who publicized and shamed her in front of a national audience for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite. The same guy who stalked her all over the country trying to see if she would break up with the other guy and pursue the relationship with him. It’s all a little creepy to me. 

So Nick shows up.. and shakes things up. And shake things up, he did (and more than just my Bachelorette bracket for the season!) His presence literally shifted the entire dynamic of the episode (and the Twitterverse) and literally made me feel anxious as a viewer at home! What added to the drama was Kaitlyn’s own dilemma of what she should do. Should she let him stay? Should she send him home? What would the other guys think? Would she lose credibility? #firstworldproblems at its finest! 

Photo Credit: Yahoo Entertainment

Throughout the episode we see her struggling to make this choice and all of her relationships with the guys this week are overshadowed by this other presence that is Nick Viall. I admit, I had a soft spot for Nick (at times) when he was on Andi's season. He didn't really care what the other guys thought and pursued her with an incredible amount of intent. I can appreciate that in a guy. But he had a creepy side to him—so much that you could almost feel it through the TV...his hidden grin, the way he spoke, the disinterest in making nice with guys in the house...it all seemed...off. Calculated. Like he had studied the "game" of the Bachelorette. Ok, enough about Nick. Nick is just doing what Nick does. 

However, Kaitlyn can't stop thinking about Nick, because she's not sure what to do. And because there was instant chemistry between them. And because she doesn't want the guys to think badly of her. And because she thinks there is maybe a possibility with Nick. She thinks about this so much that she brings it up with several guys during their one on one time with her. And, like I said above, while I can appreciate the authenticity of the struggle it was a little bit awkward to watch. She asked guys for their input, their feedback, what they thought of him in general and if she thought she should respond positively to his request to join the show. If the camera would have panned out, I’m sure we would have seen a lot of guys squirming. 

There were many moments where she asked the men to reassure her that they trusted what they had together despite the addition of another guy. 

And every time she went there with the guys, I kept thinking that this would be one of my worst nightmares! I can't even count the number of times I have been talking with a guy, thinking about him, hoping for a relationship and believing that it could happen only to have the "friend card" pulled, or even worse find out that while I am drooling over him,  his mind is off in another universe with another woman. It's terrible! And what makes it even worse is that I then have to sit and convince myself and the other person that everything is fine, when really I just want to crawl underneath the table and hide. (Not gonna lie, there was one time where I was sitting on a couch and a conversation like this happened and I literally did hide. Under a blanket. Don’t worry, I’ve fleshed it all out in therapy.) 

Photo Credit: niusnews.com

I understand that this is all part of a made-for-TV drama, but the struggle is real people! It’s disheartening to feel that what you have with someone—the relationship you share with them—might not be enough to keep that person from looking at someone else with interest, admiration and curiosity towards the possibility of what could be! This, in part (along with a laundry list of other reasons) is why I would never, ever, wish to be on a show like that. Every deep fear, insecurity and vulnerability would be regularly tapped into and exposed and I don’t know if my little heart could handle it. 

So the realistic tie-in between reality TV and real life is there, but finding something redeeming out of it is a bit harder. Honestly, it’s not easy to stay out of the “poor-me-pity-cycle”. It’s much easier to take on the anxiety and desperation of the guys on the show and question everything about myself and what I thought was true. But I really don’t think that gets us anywhere. I think that only makes us more anxious, more depressed and more likely to sit in a space of shame. Asking yourself what you could have done better when someone else tells you that it’s “not you”, can sometimes be a dangerous spot! 

Photo Credit: Yours Truly

The thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over comes from a little catch phrase  from a guy named Chip Dodd. He says, “tell the truth, feel your feelings and trust the process”. And I guess that’s the redeemable point for this blog as well. Keeping our feelings hidden, not allowing ourself to speak and feel our truth is what can exacerbate the emotions that we are trying so hard to avoid. Trusting the process might mean that in telling my truth I might find that I need something different than the option I am relentlessly pursuing right now. Or it might mean that I need to stay right here and ride this thing out. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s completely up to you. But it’s helpful to know that whatever you do decide CAN come from a place of honesty, authenticity and freedom rather than avoidance, numbing and denial. 

So, to Kaitlyn’s guys (and pretty much everyone else!), I get it. I get where you’re at. I get the frustration of having no stable ground to rest in, knowing that at any moment she could dissolve the relationship for someone who she is more compatible with. I know what it’s like to feel like your relationship is one thing and then find out that it’s not. I get it. Tell the truth. Feel your feelings. Trust the process. 

(And P.S. Nick…I think you might need to see someone about these stalker-like tendencies for women who are the Bachelorette… Oh, and Chris, Shawn, Daniel and Brady, if you wanna do a processing group therapy here in Nashville, I would be happy to facilitate!)

© 2015. Lainey Dreson. All Rights Reserved. 

Enjoying Apathy

There isn't a doubt in my mind that I would like to be in a relationship—a long term, healthy, mutual and passionate relationship—with a man. Much of my life in the last couple years has been pruning away things in my life so that it is possible to be in such a relationship. But there is this interesting internal phenomenon that is happening inside of me and has been for the last few months—it’s a ridiculously large amount of apathy and disinterest in dating. Though I do not desire to sound prideful, getting a date has never been difficult for me (keeping on is a different story!) I know that if I want to go out with someone, regardless of my motivation, I could find someone by tonight. But it literally has no interest for me. 

I’ve gone through these periods in my life before, but there has always seemed like a purpose. I’ve taken months/seasons off of dating because I needed to work on a specific area of my life or I needed to heal from a previous relationship. I’ve taken time off from dating because I really struggled to believe that there were any good men out there and was actually angry. I’ve even gone through times where I have felt apathetic in dating but even then, the apathy seemed to rise up as a result of one of these other reasons also being present. This time it’s completely different. The thought of going on dates with someone or trying to develop a relationship really feels like the last thing in the world that I would want to do right now. 

I sat with a friend over coffee several weeks ago and discussed this weird experience. I consider her my second mother and know that she wants the best for me but she was shocked to hear this news and said with near horror, “do you think you just don’t want to get married?” I chuckled and assured her that I did still want to get married but there just wasn’t a lot of effort on my end to invest in potential relationships. 

I had to spend some time thinking about her question though—was it possible that I didn’t want to get married? I mean, I’ve had fleeting moments of that thought, and sometimes being married is even difficult to imagine, but generally speaking, my desire to be in a relationships consistently outweighs any of these passing thoughts! It wasn’t adding up however—the desire to be in a relationship but no desire to seek out a relationship. I feared I might be slipping back into my Purity Culture mentality where I need to just be patient and wait for God to send the right guy to my door (like the UPS guy…and I mean, it’s entirely possible since I am pretty sure I have an addiction to shopping on Amazon). Or perhaps it would be like one of those romantic comedy movies where I’m walking down the road reading a book (because, don’t we all do that?) and I bump into a guy who’s doing the same, we reach down to pick up our books, catch each other’s gaze above our thick rimmed glasses and get married a few months later at the local library. 

I chuckle at these scenarios, but in honesty, they aren’t too far off from what I think might need to happen at this point in my life to really think about investing in a relationship. And of course I think about that phrase of “when you’re not looking for it, it will happen”. I’ve tried to live by that slogan a million times before (because maybe, just maybe if I can convince myself that I'm not looking for someone then the Universe will bring someone my way!) but this time it’s the truth! Even the thought of someone coming into my life—even THE one—sounds a a bit annoying! 

For those of you who have journeyed along with me, you’re probably thinking that I must have gone off my rocker. But I assure you, I’m relatively sane! 

What I have come to figure out, however, is that for the first time in my life, I truly don’t think the biggest goal, hope or dream is being in a relationship. I think for so much of my life I have consciously or sub-consciously made this one of my top priorities; it’s always remained as a background motivation for so much of what I do. And while I have never thought that I have needed to reject that motivation, it seems that right now as I live day to day and pursue my goals and dreams, a relationship (even one that ends in marriage) holds no motivating factor at all. 

At the beginning of the year I made the statement that “2015 was my year” without really unpacking what that statement meant…because, truth be told, I had no idea what that meant. I still have no idea what it means fully. One thing I didn’t think it would mean? Having no interest in a relationship! But to be honest, it’s totally fine! What this seems to allow me to do is focus on areas of my life that I am quite passionate about but have never pursued for various reasons and in this I am finding more of myself and truly enjoying life. 

The coolest part about being able to enjoy life like this is that while the desire to have a relationship in the future is not absent, the apathy that I feel right now is not a mask for shame, loneliness or resentment. For whatever reason the apathy towards relationships is allowing me freedom to enter, with gusto, other areas of my life that I can only imagine will serve to further develop who I am. There are still a lot of moments of 2015 left and it’s still possible that some of those moments could be shared with someone else. But maybe not either. Maybe the saying above (that when I’m not looking for love, I’ll find it) is true and maybe it’s not. But for the first time it’s not about that. And my friends, as odd as it sounds, there is so much freedom in that. Truly, 2015 is seeming to be my year! 

Public Shaming While Getting a Pedicure

I’m looking at my nails as I type this blog—overgrown cuticles, a few jagged edges, little chips of polish on a few nails. Un-filed, overgrown, unkempt. I really should go get a manicure but the last experience I had at the place that I go to get my nails done has me a bit skittish to go back. 

The last time I went to get my nails done was to get a pedicure about  2 1/2 months ago. It was the middle of winter and given how cold natured I am, my feet don’t see the light of day unless I am showering or switching out my pair of socks before I put  my slippers back on. No one sees my feet—not even me. But on that day I just wanted to get a pedicure—well truth be told, I really wanted the leg and foot massage and a chance to sit in one of those massage chairs for an hour—the polish was just the way to get there. 

So I went to the place about a mile from my house; and let me remind you, I went in fully knowing that the benefits of my pedicure three months prior had definitely worn off! The woman doing my pedicure asked me which type of pedicure I would like that day and I chose the basic package. She tried for a minute to upsell me but I stuck to my guns, even though I did promise her that the next time I came in I would go for the next level up. As she began her work on my feet she kept looking at me to tell me what terrible feet I had, how she couldn’t believe I had let them get so bad and how I really needed to take care of them and of course how buying the most expensive pedicure package would take care of it! Just 15 minutes prior I had been confident that my pasty white feet were simply a result of the previous 3 months of winter and all of the sudden I started to feel self conscious. 

As she continued on with each step of the pedicure process she seemed to make it painfully obvious to me that my feet needed a lot of work done. About half way through the pedicure she asked if I wanted a manicure. I mumbled something about not having time that day as she began telling me the same things about my hands as she did my feet. I think I literally started sweating in the chair! My hour of relaxation was quickly turning into an hour of being shamed. I calmly repeated that the basic pedicure was all I wanted for that day and after a few more attempts, she relinquished and continued working on my feet. Peace, at last. 

I mean, ya would have thought I was sporting something like this!

After getting the hot towels—my favorite part of the pedicure—she sat back down in her chair and told me that I really needed to wax my upper lip. I’ll admit, I was fully aware of that. I wasn’t growing a mustache or anything but I knew I was about due, but I also have a wax pot at home so I was going to do it myself. Fearing the further shame that I might incur if I declined this offer as well, I agreed to let her wax my upper lip. As she started the lip waxing process she told me I could also benefit from having my eyebrows done. By this point I was over the whole process and told her, firmly, “NO”. I mean seriously people, I have super thin and super light eye brows…I even color them once a month so that they match my dark hair and even when they are ‘overgrown’ I’m no Freida! 

I quickly paid for my services (and likely gave way too large of a tip for the badgering I received!) and got out of there. As I trudged back to my car in those little styrofoam flip flops I caught myself crunching numbers to see how I might be able to swing a monthly mani/pedi in my budget—apparently I was in dire need. I pulled on the calculator in my phone and began to do the math when I realized how deeply this experience was effecting me. I do fully realize that this woman was simply doing her job—the more services she offered the more she got paid; this was a business transaction for her. But in ‘doing her job’ I left left the nail salon feeling terrible about myself and thinking about all of the things that I needed to prioritize in my physical appearance to be more appealing to the public. I admit, I even thought that perhaps paying more attention to the details might earn me a few dates with respectable guys!

The beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. Every day we are bombarded by messages, commercials and even our friends, family and co-workers that all seem to have something that we don’t—their hair, their outfit, those arms, that pair of boots, that jewelry, that color of nail polish. Advertisers do their jobs by getting us to believe that if we have whatever product it is that they are selling we will be the pinnacle of whatever lifestyle goal we are trying to achieve.

I would even venture to say that we know this to an extent. We know that washing our hair with Herbal Essence’s shampoo and conditioner will not draw men to us like a Siren and yet we see those commercials and there is a little voice in our head that wonders “well…maybe…” And so we continue our trek to add value to ourselves through the mediums sold to us by commercials, in magazines and quirky women at the nail salon. 

I mean really, is having a monthly mani/pedi really going to make me a better therapist? Is it going to improve my writing skills? Is it going to make me a more compassionate friend or help me seek after social justice in a more innovative way? Is this going to make me a better lover, more honest or more authentic? Likely not. And yet I get caught up believing that these external markers of beauty (which are culturally induced and defined—and subjective) are the things that are going to push me to the top and really give me the edge on my competitors.

I’m not suggesting that we let ourselves go or even that looking nice, taking pride in how one looks or having nice, expensive or unique things is a bad thing. Getting our nails done, our hair colored or getting our legs waxed is perfectly fine. But these are not the things that are going to add to our value as an individual.  

I would imagine that when we let these external, subjective markers of beauty be the definers of who we are as a person, we will have many more sweaty moments on the massage chair. Truth be told, I’m probably going to get a pedicure this weekend—spring is right around the corner and with sandal season upon us, my gnarly feet need a little bit of attention. I think this time though I might bring some music and ear buds with me so that I don’t get caught up in pondering the manicurists words and find myself seriously considering that the answer to all life’s problems would be solved through the color of my toenails.