Squirming in my Seat

Photo Credit: amandatalkstv.com

Well, we’re back to the therapeutic Bachelorette blogs! There are a lot of interesting dynamics in this season. If you’ve watched the show for any length of time it’s easy to see that Kaitlyn is a very different type of Bachelorette. She marches to the beat of her own drum, has a backbone, goes with her gut instincts and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone! In many ways, I think there are some pretty desirable qualities. Besides these things, we see her struggle through different decisions. She’s messy, she’s honest, she’s real and she doesn’t try to look like she has it all together, even in front of the guys. I’d say that’s about as authentic as you can get on a reality TV show! 

The season though has been characterized by one dramatic situation after another, and there seems to be no end in sight. Last night’s episode began and ended with it—and had me tweeting to the producers of the Bachelor to do an “after dark” segment (like the popular reality TV show “Big Brother”) so we can see what goes on behind the scenes! (I think I might need help…are there any support groups for people who care too much about the Bachelor?!?) 

So just as we think that things are finally about to slow down and return to the normal level of Bachelorette drama, another guy shows up on the scene and asks Kaitlyn if he can join the crew of guys who are pursuing her. But it’s not just any guy. Its Nick Viall (pronounced “vile”…which should tell you a bit about his character right off the bat.) This is the guy who was runner up on the last season of the Bachelorette (with Andi)—the same guy who publicized and shamed her in front of a national audience for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite. The same guy who stalked her all over the country trying to see if she would break up with the other guy and pursue the relationship with him. It’s all a little creepy to me. 

So Nick shows up.. and shakes things up. And shake things up, he did (and more than just my Bachelorette bracket for the season!) His presence literally shifted the entire dynamic of the episode (and the Twitterverse) and literally made me feel anxious as a viewer at home! What added to the drama was Kaitlyn’s own dilemma of what she should do. Should she let him stay? Should she send him home? What would the other guys think? Would she lose credibility? #firstworldproblems at its finest! 

Photo Credit: Yahoo Entertainment

Throughout the episode we see her struggling to make this choice and all of her relationships with the guys this week are overshadowed by this other presence that is Nick Viall. I admit, I had a soft spot for Nick (at times) when he was on Andi's season. He didn't really care what the other guys thought and pursued her with an incredible amount of intent. I can appreciate that in a guy. But he had a creepy side to him—so much that you could almost feel it through the TV...his hidden grin, the way he spoke, the disinterest in making nice with guys in the house...it all seemed...off. Calculated. Like he had studied the "game" of the Bachelorette. Ok, enough about Nick. Nick is just doing what Nick does. 

However, Kaitlyn can't stop thinking about Nick, because she's not sure what to do. And because there was instant chemistry between them. And because she doesn't want the guys to think badly of her. And because she thinks there is maybe a possibility with Nick. She thinks about this so much that she brings it up with several guys during their one on one time with her. And, like I said above, while I can appreciate the authenticity of the struggle it was a little bit awkward to watch. She asked guys for their input, their feedback, what they thought of him in general and if she thought she should respond positively to his request to join the show. If the camera would have panned out, I’m sure we would have seen a lot of guys squirming. 

There were many moments where she asked the men to reassure her that they trusted what they had together despite the addition of another guy. 

And every time she went there with the guys, I kept thinking that this would be one of my worst nightmares! I can't even count the number of times I have been talking with a guy, thinking about him, hoping for a relationship and believing that it could happen only to have the "friend card" pulled, or even worse find out that while I am drooling over him,  his mind is off in another universe with another woman. It's terrible! And what makes it even worse is that I then have to sit and convince myself and the other person that everything is fine, when really I just want to crawl underneath the table and hide. (Not gonna lie, there was one time where I was sitting on a couch and a conversation like this happened and I literally did hide. Under a blanket. Don’t worry, I’ve fleshed it all out in therapy.) 

Photo Credit: niusnews.com

I understand that this is all part of a made-for-TV drama, but the struggle is real people! It’s disheartening to feel that what you have with someone—the relationship you share with them—might not be enough to keep that person from looking at someone else with interest, admiration and curiosity towards the possibility of what could be! This, in part (along with a laundry list of other reasons) is why I would never, ever, wish to be on a show like that. Every deep fear, insecurity and vulnerability would be regularly tapped into and exposed and I don’t know if my little heart could handle it. 

So the realistic tie-in between reality TV and real life is there, but finding something redeeming out of it is a bit harder. Honestly, it’s not easy to stay out of the “poor-me-pity-cycle”. It’s much easier to take on the anxiety and desperation of the guys on the show and question everything about myself and what I thought was true. But I really don’t think that gets us anywhere. I think that only makes us more anxious, more depressed and more likely to sit in a space of shame. Asking yourself what you could have done better when someone else tells you that it’s “not you”, can sometimes be a dangerous spot! 

Photo Credit: Yours Truly

The thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over comes from a little catch phrase  from a guy named Chip Dodd. He says, “tell the truth, feel your feelings and trust the process”. And I guess that’s the redeemable point for this blog as well. Keeping our feelings hidden, not allowing ourself to speak and feel our truth is what can exacerbate the emotions that we are trying so hard to avoid. Trusting the process might mean that in telling my truth I might find that I need something different than the option I am relentlessly pursuing right now. Or it might mean that I need to stay right here and ride this thing out. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s completely up to you. But it’s helpful to know that whatever you do decide CAN come from a place of honesty, authenticity and freedom rather than avoidance, numbing and denial. 

So, to Kaitlyn’s guys (and pretty much everyone else!), I get it. I get where you’re at. I get the frustration of having no stable ground to rest in, knowing that at any moment she could dissolve the relationship for someone who she is more compatible with. I know what it’s like to feel like your relationship is one thing and then find out that it’s not. I get it. Tell the truth. Feel your feelings. Trust the process. 

(And P.S. Nick…I think you might need to see someone about these stalker-like tendencies for women who are the Bachelorette… Oh, and Chris, Shawn, Daniel and Brady, if you wanna do a processing group therapy here in Nashville, I would be happy to facilitate!)

© 2015. Lainey Dreson. All Rights Reserved.