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| Photo Credit: trendingcurrentevents.com |
But I am not going to write about any of that today. Instead I want to write about another reality TV star who has not only been receiving a lot of public attention lately but who’s story has made a heartfelt impact on me in a way that I never expected. I’m talking about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as the World’s Greatest Athlete and American Hero, Bruce Jenner. I know that this has lead to many controversies on social media, news forums, coffee shop talks and dinner discussions so I want to be clear when I say that controversy is not what I am interested in and to that extent I would hope that you can see past personal preferences and beliefs, whatever they might be and see the heart of what I am getting at here.
When the Diane Sawyer 20/20 interview aired last month there were several points that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart burst with joy. Throughout the interview Bruce (as he asked to be referred to throughout the interview) shared stories of confusion, pain, heartache and fear; he shared with the world the different coping mechanisms he used, the ways he would try to fix himself and how he would, in many ways, just kinda numb out. He spoke, with heartfelt sincerity, how most of his life he felt trapped and living a lie; unable to be who he wanted to be, who he knew he was—his true, authentic self.
To be clear, I have never faced the struggle of feeling like I was born with the wrong body (well, that’s a lie…often times I wish I could have the type of body that thinks about losing weight and then the weight just falls off…a girl can dream). I have no idea what it’s like to feel trapped inside my own body, knowing that I was destined to be a different gender. But I do know what it’s like to feel trapped. I know what it’s like to feel as though you have to hide parts of yourself to gain the favor of others, to abide by pre-set expectations, to not ruffle feathers and to not make others feel uncomfortable. I know those feelings well. I know what it’s like to have questions that go unasked because of the high risk that goes along with it. I know what it’s like to fake passion when in reality I am going through the motions. I know what it’s like to feel that someone else’s expectations of you stifle the person you know you can be, the person you want to be—the person that you should be. I know what it's like to feel like I am living a lie—to say I believe, think, act and feel one way when in reality I believe, think, act and feel completely different.
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| Photo Credit: genius.com |
Many years of my life were spent battling internally, trying to convince myself that the way I was being taught to live was actually the “right way”, when in reality I knew it was not. Too many relationships were governed by the fear that if I did not do something their way that I would be rejected, betrayed and discarded. The morals, beliefs, values and theology that dictated my life made me feel like I was wearing a dress that I had grown out of years ago. I spent decades of my life feeling trapped in someone else’s world—a world that never fit for me.
I would say there is some common human experience that binds us together when it comes to feeling trapped—I don’t think it’s an over generalization to say that we have all felt trapped at one time or another. Perhaps it’s feeling trapped by family expectations or the desire to be the exact opposite of your family (therefore never being able to just be you). Perhaps it’s a marriage or a relationship or a friendship that day after day sucks the life out of you but you feel trapped and helpless to do anything else. Maybe it’s a church tradition or a theology that you must conform to at the risk of being excommunicated. You might feel trapped in a job or career that drains you every day but you feel you have no options to change. Perhaps you feel trapped by secrets of the past, experiences that you have been a part of or choices you have made. And maybe that entrapment feeling comes from feeling like who you are doesn’t match the anatomical set up that you were born with. Though there are varying degrees of impact, those feelings of helplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, being trapped and wishing that things could be different weaves us together and gives us an empathetic common ground.
Yesterday the first picture of Caitlyn Jenner was released to the world—she is on the cover of the next issue of Vanity Fair and she is stunning. Reading the various articles that Vanity Fair published about this photo shoot was fascinating but one struck me as particularly poignant with it’s headline: “Caitlyn is free”. I am not ashamed to admit that my breath was taken away and I shed a couple of tears as I saw her picture and read that headline. Freedom. Something so many of us take for granted and yet something that we often don’t give ourselves permission to feel. Sometimes we don’t even realized how trapped we were until we actually experience freedom. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be your authentic self. Freedom to live out of the truest form of you regardless of the chatter behind your back. The process of gaining freedom does not always come easy; many times the path towards freedom breeds pain as we shed layers and ideals of ourselves, commit to being honest always and sometimes disappoint people, even losing relationships. But, I can say from personal experience and the privilege of bearing witness to many other people's journeys that freedom is always worth the price. The reward of being yourself truly, fully and authentically is beautiful.
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| Photo Credit: vanityfair.com |
My heart explodes with joy for Caitlyn Jenner. To have the opportunity and the courage to live your life being authentically you is brave, admirable and should be celebrated. May we all use Caitlyn’s example and pursuit of freedom in our own lives, in our own unique ways and pursue freedom with strength, vigor and courage. Freedom. What a gift.
© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.
© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.
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