Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Caitlyn is Free

I think I am currently going through a Bachelorette Hangover…never, in all of the seasons that I have watched, have the GUYS been so dramatic. It’s downright crazy. As I watched the episode I picked out three potential themes of what I would write on today—Kaitlyn having a backbone and standing up for herself…the narcissistic expectations of certain men (…ya know the ones who use the phrase “villains gotta vill”…yes, I am looking at you, Clint and JJ), or even Ben Z.’s heart tugging story of his mother’s death and his incessant need to be strong for everyone—even going 11 years without shedding a tear. Lots of great fodder for a blog that can tie reality TV to real life!

Photo Credit: trendingcurrentevents.com

But I am not going to write about any of that today. Instead I want to write about another reality TV star who has not only been receiving a lot of public attention lately but who’s story has made a heartfelt impact on me in a way that I never expected. I’m talking about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as the World’s Greatest Athlete and American Hero, Bruce Jenner. I know that this has lead to many controversies on social media, news forums, coffee shop talks and dinner discussions so I want to be clear when I say that controversy is not what I am interested in and to that extent I would hope that you can see past personal preferences and beliefs, whatever they might be and see the heart of what I am getting at here. 

When the Diane Sawyer 20/20 interview aired last month there were several points that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart burst with joy. Throughout the interview Bruce (as he asked to be referred to throughout the interview) shared stories of confusion, pain, heartache and fear; he shared with the world the different coping mechanisms he used, the ways he would try to fix himself and how he would, in many ways, just kinda numb out. He spoke, with heartfelt sincerity, how most of his life he felt trapped and living a lie; unable to be who he wanted to be, who he knew he was—his true, authentic self. 

To be clear, I have never faced the struggle of feeling like I was born with the wrong body (well, that’s a lie…often times I wish I could have the type of body that thinks about losing weight and then the weight just falls off…a girl can dream). I have no idea what it’s like to feel trapped inside my own body, knowing that I was destined to be a different gender. But I do know what it’s like to feel trapped. I know what it’s like to feel as though you have to hide parts of yourself to gain the favor of others, to abide by pre-set expectations, to not ruffle feathers and to not make others feel uncomfortable. I know those feelings well. I know what it’s like to have questions that go unasked because of the high risk that goes along with it. I know what it’s like to fake passion when in reality I am going through the motions. I know what it’s like to feel that someone else’s expectations of you stifle the person you know you can be, the person you want to be—the person that you should be. I know what it's like to feel like I am living a lie—to say I believe, think, act and feel one way when in reality I believe, think, act and feel completely different. 

Photo Credit: genius.com 

Many years of my life were spent battling internally, trying to convince myself that the way I was being taught to live was actually the “right way”, when in reality I knew it was not. Too many relationships were governed by the fear that if I did not do something their way that I would be rejected, betrayed and discarded. The morals, beliefs, values and theology that dictated my life made me feel like I was wearing a dress that I had grown out of years ago. I spent decades of my life feeling trapped in someone else’s world—a world that never fit for me. 

I would say there is some common human experience that binds us together when it comes to feeling trapped—I don’t think it’s an over generalization to say that we have all felt trapped at one time or another. Perhaps it’s feeling trapped by family expectations or the desire to be the exact opposite of your family (therefore never being able to just be you). Perhaps it’s a marriage or a relationship or a friendship that day after day sucks the life out of you but you feel trapped and helpless to do anything else. Maybe it’s a church tradition or a theology that you must conform to at the risk of being excommunicated. You might feel trapped in a job or career that drains you every day but you feel you have no options to change. Perhaps you feel trapped by secrets of the past, experiences that you have been a part of or choices you have made. And maybe that entrapment feeling comes from feeling like who you are doesn’t match the anatomical set up that you were born with. Though there are varying degrees of impact, those feelings of helplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, being trapped and wishing that things could be different weaves us together and gives us an empathetic common ground. 

Yesterday the first picture of Caitlyn Jenner was released to the world—she is on the cover of the next issue of Vanity Fair and she is stunning. Reading the various articles that Vanity Fair published about this photo shoot was fascinating but one struck me as particularly poignant with it’s headline: “Caitlyn is free”. I am not ashamed to admit that my breath was taken away and I shed a couple of tears as I saw her picture and read that headline. Freedom. Something so many of us take for granted and yet something that we often don’t give ourselves permission to feel. Sometimes we don’t even realized how trapped we were until we actually experience freedom. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be your authentic self. Freedom to live out of the truest form of you regardless of the chatter behind your back. The process of gaining freedom does not always come easy; many times the path towards freedom breeds pain as we shed layers and ideals of ourselves, commit to being honest always and sometimes disappoint people, even losing relationships. But, I can say from personal experience and the privilege of bearing witness to many other people's journeys that freedom is always worth the price. The reward of being yourself truly, fully and authentically is beautiful. 

Photo Credit: vanityfair.com

My heart explodes with joy for Caitlyn Jenner. To have the opportunity and the courage to live your life being authentically you is brave, admirable and should be celebrated. May we all use Caitlyn’s example and pursuit of freedom in our own lives, in our own unique ways and pursue freedom with strength, vigor and courage. Freedom. What a gift. 












© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.