Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

I Will Fight for Me

Well, we have survived another season of The Bachelor. Survived seems like the right way to put it…from the bachelor being wishy washy, two faced, hypocritical and downright rude, Juan Pablo has been referred to as the “worst bachelor ever”.  While I wasn’t too impressed with him, the purpose of this blog isn’t to give my opinions on what he should or should not have done, but rather to focus on the girl he “rejected” at the Final Rose Ceremony. Clare.

I have to admit, even though Clare was a bit intense at times and she chose to step out of the limo that first night sporting a VERY large baby bump, I liked her. As the season wore on and she received criticism from social media, what became more apparent to me is that his 32 year old hairdresser was more like me than I wanted to initially admit. While I might not go on a TV show to find love (to all my friends who keep encouraging me to apply…sorry!), Clare represented my demographic. 

Clare began the season telling viewers that her heart was ice…not because she wanted it to be, but because life had served her experiences and relationships that made it easier to become cold and frigid rather than getting hurt one more time. Throughout the season she would reference back to that heart of ice as she put herself out there, expressed her feelings and slowly started to let the ice melt. She expressed her fear and anxiety, her hesitation, her love, her excitement, her frustration. She was visibly irritated when other girls would get time with Juan Pablo, she looked for opportunities to spend time with him, she was crushed when Juan Pablo turned the tables on her and blamed her for a late night swim in the ocean. She clearly spent time thinking about the relationship, she looked for ways to respect Juan Pablo and slowly but surely allowed herself to fall for this man. 

Now, this most certainly could have been a storyline for TV; but either Clare is a fabulous actor, or she was just being her. And I tend to believe the latter. But while America laughed at Clare, I cheered for her (even if it was silently!) See, I am very much like Clare. I too fear that I have a heart of ice. 

As I sat in my therapist’s office a couple weeks ago, I shared with her my fear that, even though I didn’t experience anxiety or even a significant amount of sadness over the last guy who left, the next guy who came along was having to start with a major disadvantage even though he, himself, hadn’t done anything. It truly made me sad that this string of guys who have been so flippant with who I am have caused me to crawl back into my turtle shell a bit and at the very least remain skeptical. I’m not a man hater, I still believe in relationships; in fact, I have great hope that I will be in one with a man who is amazing, but it is difficult to not let your heart freeze just a little bit when that rejection comes…one. more. time. 

I cheered right along with the audience as Clare refused a hug from Juan Pablo after he rejected her; her response to him was strong and honest; it left no questions. She held it together as she walked away from Juan Pablo, narrowly escaping his under the breath statement, “whew, glad I didn’t choose her!” (Don’t even get me started on how infuriating that statement was; or how telling of his character!) After hugging the host of the show, Chris Harrison, Clare gave a heartfelt interview on what it was like for her to stand alone. Again. Her words, “…Where’s the man that makes me feel like I am worthy? Where’s the man that will fight for me?” made my heart ache as I saw myself in her, leaving that island, wondering how to put all the pieces back together. 

After a few more minutes of watching Juan Pablo do what he does best…be himself…the “After the Final Rose” special began to air. Even through the TV screen, you could feel the tension, the awkwardness and a cloud of confusion as people tried to figure out what had just happened. Without wasting time, Chris Harrison told viewers that Clare would be the first to be interviewed. I admit, I was a bit apprehensive. I expected Clare to come out and talk about how betrayed, rejected and used she felt. And to be honest, she would have had every right to do so; no one would have questioned a sad and utterly confused response from a jaded Clare. But that’s not what she did.

Juan Pablo being...Juan Pablo.."eeesss ok!"

Clare walked on stage, looking stunning, and honestly and articulately shared that while she was sad, and being rejected was not something she enjoyed, she did not need time with Juan Pablo to try and get answers (or, as she put it, “get fed with more BS”). Her secret in all of this? It was standing up for herself that moment she walked away from Juan Pablo. It was, as she stated during the “After the Final Rose” special, being able to, for the first time, stand up for herself and say exactly how she felt and exactly what she thought. Her ability to fight for herself was what allowed her the closure she needed to move on from this relationship. 

That statement really hit home with me. I have felt, the older I have gotten, less freedom to truly stand up for myself and state what I need, what I want, what I feel or what I think. There is this subtle fear that can sweep over me in moments where I should stand up for myself, but wonder if it’s really worth it. This internal battle causes me to go back and forth wondering if I DO stand up for myself and speak my piece, if he will leave and I will be alone…again. I am constantly weighing if it is worth being true to myself or just better to stay quiet (at the expense of myself). 

It wasn’t too long ago that I was faced with the opportunity to stay quiet, as I always had, or to stand up for myself. Staying quiet meant I could keep someone by my side…a warm body. But it also meant staying in a relationship with no emotional safety and security; no stability. And while I knew how to function quite well in the relationship, since it was familiar to me, it began to become clear that standing up for myself would be less scary than to not. So the day came where I severed all ties, used my voice and walked away. It was not without great emotion, pain and heart break, but I did it. Many months of therapy, processing, lonely nights and re-discovering myself and what life was all about ensued. (I actually think I have tendinitis in my elbow from the pages and pages I wrote in my journal!) And while it was not without significant pain and heartache, the moment I stood up for myself was pivotal; fighting for myself gave my life back. And interestingly enough, I have found that standing up for myself has kept my heart un-frozen. It has given me permission to trust myself and my gut and to recognize the value and honor I have in myself as a woman. 

Clare’s line in her final interview after being rejected by Juan Pablo, was “…where’s the man that will fight for me?” is a line I have repeated to myself hundreds, if not thousands, of times. And while I look forward to the day that there will be an answer (in the form of an actual man) to that question, I think Clare figured out that day (when she left Juan Pablo on that beach) what I figured out the day I left my ex…that at the very least, if no one else will fight for me, I will fight for me. Because I am worth fighting for. And so are you.

Cue the Rocky theme song...