No Fear in the Moment

Photo Credit: etonline.com

Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

Photo Credit: abcnews.go.com

Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Playboy and The Virgins

I think it’s safe to say I have a little Bachelor withdrawal…even watching Prince Farming on Dancing with the Stars isn’t quite as enjoyable as watching the ladies on the Bachelor. So I figured maybe I could ease out of my withdrawal by writing about an aspect of the show that really left an impact on me this season. 

One of the biggest story lines this season on the Bachelor was the past sexual activity—or inactivity—of the girls on the show. In an unprecedented move we had Jade who posed nude for playboy and Ashely I. and Becca who were virgins casted as contestants. While I am confident that in signing up for a reality TV show you also sign over the rights to your story (meaning that the producers can portray you and your story however they feel would make for the best TV), I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn’t believe that the story of the playboy model and the virgin(s) were waaaaay overplayed. 

Besides the fact that these are mere choices that these women have made with their lives, the story lines created for the show created almost a pseudo-identity for each of these women that focused on only one aspect of who they were versus the totality of their character, life experiences, values and passions. Jade will forever be known as the girl who posed for playboy. Ashely I. will always be known as the girl who was a virgin and claimed it wasn’t a big deal while simultaneously becoming overly emotional about telling people. Becca will be known as the virgin who accepted a date to the Fantasy Suite. And for that, I am sad. I don’t know these girls personally but I feel entirely confident saying there is way more to them than this minute detail of their life. But now they are judged upon one thing. 

I think the reason this concept irritates me so much is because I have felt the same way in my own relationships. 

As a kid growing up in a very rigid religious culture, I remember hearing people’s stories (or testimonies, as we called them) of being steeped in a sinful lifestyle (drugs, sex, rock n’ roll…ya know all the cliches) and how God had swooped them up and saved them and their lives were changed. In some ways I was envious of their stories because they sounded so powerful and moving. Many times I was genuinely bummed that I wouldn’t have a story so powerful—I didn’t believe that someone could hear my story and see any necessity to believe in God. 

Fast forward a couple decades and life has changed significantly. Life has led me down some interesting paths and among other things I definitely have a story. And while I no longer believe that my story needs to necessarily be a “testimony” in someone else’s life, I do find that it can be quite powerful at times as I connect with others, empathize and encourage. I do have a deep understanding that my story is not me, my identity or the totality of who I am. But as I have entered into the world of relationships, I have found that other people believe the opposite to be true. 

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know that there are some sensitive parts of my life that people could have strong opinions about. My own journey in healing has taught me to be ok with these things, understand the impact and how to move forward. So for me, I am ok with my story. And part of my journey has also taught me that people need to earn the right to hear my story—a couple dates doesn’t warrant a place in my life to know all my deepest, darkest secrets and so I am cautious regarding with whom, what and how much of my story I share.

It never ceases to amaze me though how quickly the tone in a relationship can shift by people knowing little bits and pieces of my story as they begin to use that information to make assumptions about all of me. More than once I have been accused of projecting my past relationships onto current relationships because I have identified something that I have been triggered by or a preference that I have (known to me based on the work that I have done) that morphs into the person viewing me through a specific lens. I have been told on numerous occasions even that because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my story that it’s an indicator that I am not over it and “still have work to do”. I have even been broken up with by a guy because he wanted “…just once to not date someone who had been in an unhealthy relationship…” (I can’t help but wonder if he’s still single).

Suddenly, regardless of the amount that I share with that person, a cloud of judgement covers me as the other person now sees me through the lens of how he thinks a person with my past should act. It happened on the Bachelor…Chris expressed significant concern to hear that Becca had never been in love, said I love you or had sex. He wondered if she would really be able to handle a relationship like that. On more than one occasion he seriously questioned his relationship with her based on these facts alone. 

To be honest, I don’t carry shame and regret for the things that are in my past. Though I have had to process through a lot, I have much confidence that going through these things and healing from them are part of what makes me who I am. And I kinda like who I am! I wouldn’t trade the experiences I have had if it also meant I had to trade who I am now. But despite my confidence in myself and not carrying shame, guilt or non-acceptance for my story, I still find myself a bit fearful that other’s will not offer me the same grace. I do fear that someone would hear my story about being in an abusive relationship and handle it disrespectfully, with insincerity, projection or lacking in compassion; I worry that they will think I am too much to handle because of that one piece of my story instead of viewing me for all of who I am. 

I understand the process of snap judgement—it used to be something I was really good at, and you would be hard pressed to get me to change my opinion. I made judgements about people based on their past, what they were wearing, the types of jokes they would laugh at, the movies they watched, their sexual choices, the places they would go on dates, how often they went to church. I would take one small detail of who they were and let it grow and expand into a blanket that covered them and was the lens I would see them through. It was a regular habit of mine and I have worked hard to bring awareness, understanding and change to that so that I might view people with acceptance, compassion, curiosity and common humanity.  Perhaps it’s naive of me to think that because I strive to do this that others would do the same, but I remain hopeful that it could happen. 

I remember early on in my healing process I shared with my therapist that the previous weekend I was supposed to go on a second date with a guy who, the night before, had gotten drunk and was hungover. When he asked me to drive an hour to spend the day with him at his house instead of coming to my town per our original plans I was very triggered (based off of many similar situations in my abusive relationship). I recognized this immediately and explained to him that I didn’t feel like it was a good idea and being with someone who was hungover (on a second date, mind you) was something that felt really uncomfortable to me. He laid into me—told me I was projecting other relationships on to him, that I had unresolved issues, that I wasn’t at a place in my life to have a relationship and then gave me the silent treatment the rest of the day. I was absolutely flabbergasted at what had happened! My therapist stopped me at this point in the story and said “wait a second, so he judged you without even knowing you?” “Yes, I suppose he did,” I quietly answered. She looked at me with compassion in her eyes and said “if he treated you like that based off of that situation, can you imagine how poorly it could have gone if you shared your story with him?” 

She was right…he would not have been a good candidate to share those personal matters with; I abruptly ended the relationship. It became clear to me that day, and it’s something that I have to remind myself of over and over again, that if someone chooses to judge me based on one aspect of who I am—whether it’s my past, a value choice I make, a boundary or anything else—then he is clearly not worth my time. Yes, that’s way easier said than done; it can feel excruciatingly painful to have to end a relationship for those reasons, but I guess the way I see it is that the ending of that relationship gets me one step closer (or one guy closer) to finding a relationship with someone who not only accepts every part of me but embraces it and counts it an honor to be trusted with my story. 

Whitney is the Greener Grass

Nikki, Juan Pablo and Clare

Well, we have finally reached the end of another season of the Bachelor. As I was thinking about what to write today, I was reminded of the last season of the Bachelor with Juan Pablo and the way he had treated some of the women on his season, namely, Clare Crawly—the girl he didn’t pick in the end. There was so much drama leading up to the “After the Final Rose” special that news articles picked up the stories for days. While Clare was poised, classy and spoke courageously for herself (see my blog from last year about it, here) the drama surrounding Juan Pablo and his final choice, Nikki, is still being talked about. 

So as viewers sat around their televisions last night, most people prepared for the ending that happens every season—one girl leaving an utter mess, crying and confused as to why she didn’t get picked and the other girl being picked while America scratches their heads going “what the hell?” But, in a season that has been anything but drama-free, this final episode of the season was anything but dramatic. And I think it’s because there were only clear winners and no clear losers. 

Courtney and Lindzi 

What I mean by that is this: inevitably in almost all season finales one of the finalists is a “character” who is surrounded by drama or vanity or ego and the other, is usually a very clear choice because of their genuine, authentic, kind and sincere demeanor—and usually unchosen. Ben Flajnik chooses Courtney over Lindzi. Jake Pavelka chooses Vienna over Tenley. Juan Pablo chooses Nikki over Clare. We see it happen over and over again; and for me I know I feel the sting just like Lindzi, Clare or Tenley because once again, a good girl has been told she is not good enough as compared to a competitor that (though likely edited to look this way) seems to be on the show for “the wrong reasons”. 

Last night was different though. Despite Prince Farming’s painfully awkward conversation skills and seemingly inability to make swift choices (although, I don’t know if making swift choices is necessary if we are trying to decide who to marry), he really narrowed it down to two fabulous, undramatic and completely sincere, authentic, courageous and lovely women. Truly either one would have been a fabulous choice. Throughout the season these two women, Becca and Whitney, were devoid of drama, confident in who they are and seemed to put a lot of thought and sincerity into their relationships with Chris. 

[Even when producers tried to create some drama based off of Becca’s virginity or her uncertainty in wanting to proclaim her undying love and commitment to a man she had only known for six weeks (which, c’mon, after a few one-on-one dates and some scattered time inbetween, with cameras following you everywhere, would you be able to confidently move your entire life to Arlington, Iowa to be with a man you barely knew???), there just seemed to be a level of reality to Becca that was evident in her maintained physical standards and unwillingness to create a false sense of relationship or say thing that she knew she didn’t mean.] 

Even though I really liked Becca, I have to admit, I was thrilled that Whitney was the one that Chris proposed to. From their first date it was apparent that Chris was smitten with her and there was something about the dynamic that the two of them had that seemed like it could translate outside of the Bachelor bubble. On top of that, Whitney had a confidence and purpose about her that was missing from most of the girls. She was a woman who has worked hard at getting to where she is at—career wise, relationally, emotionally and mentally—and she stood head and shoulders above the rest. She spoke with eloquence and passion; articulating her thoughts and feelings with ease and certainty and she never shied away from telling Chris, the cameras, or America that this was a man she wanted to be with. 

After Whitney spent time with Chris’ family, Chris and his brother in laws and father collaborated in the garage to talk about what they saw. All of the men were clearly #TeamWhitney. When Chris began telling them about Becca, though completely unable to articulate why he liked her (red flag!) one of the brothers wisely said, “are you sure this isn’t just about the chase—us guys like going after what seems impossible”. AMEN!!! While Chris tried to assure him that this was not the case, I think it helped me be clear on why I was rooting so hard for Whitney. Sure, she might have come on strong (though I think that is probably just who she is, and it’s actually quite endearing) but her confidence of the relationship was getting overshadowed by Becca’s mysteriousness—so much so that he almost considered choosing Becca over Whitney. 

I will spare you the incredibly painfully awkward conversation between Chris and Becca where she refused to give him any semblance of hope to hold onto that she was interested in picking up her life to move with him or that she loved him and skip to the end. Chris chose Whitney. Through whatever methods of processing Chris used, Chris finally figured out that Whitney truly was the best for him—they were at the same place in life, they wanted the same things, and most importantly, she loved him and he loved her. 

In a re-cap blog, Bachelor host Chris Harrison made a great point saying, “Why we make life and love so difficult for ourselves I’ll never know, but we all do it.” So often, whether it’s on the Bachelor or in our own individual lives, it seems like we make decisions based on intrigue, mystery, the unattainable or even what we hope things could turn into instead of looking at the reality before us. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t dream, hope or that we should settle—we should absolutely go after what we want. But I agree with Chris Harrison in that we often times look over the things we want, the things we need, the things that match up with our values, passions and vision for our life because of the slim possibility that the grass maybe might be greener on the other side, maybe…if we try hard enough…maybe.  

This is not to say that Becca would have been a bad choice (in fact, I think she really won in her own way—talk about empowerment in continuing to voice her truth, stand up for what she wants and not give in to pressures just because it would create great TV…seriously, that’s a win in my book!) But Whitney was the best choice and because of that I think I have a little bit more hope in my own dating journey. Whitney never seemed to view this show as a competition—she maintained a sense of who she was and what she wanted and never swayed from it. 

For me, it has been discouraging to get passed over by guys in relationships because there is someone else who is more mysterious, more aloof, prettier, thinner, more loose, etc. Sometimes I question if I need to take myself down a few notches—not pursue my career with so much passion, lower my standards, appear less intelligent, loosen my boundaries. I can’t imagine that I would be happy with that but sometimes I think that if lowering my own happiness can take the edge off of loneliness it might feel good for a while. But the fact of the matter is that I would be asking someone to like me for something I’m not rather than embracing all of who I am. 

So that’s why I like Whitney—because she never swayed from who she was. She never lowered her standards to get more attention. She was confident in every move she made and word she spoke. And finally, finally it paid off as a farmer from Iowa took notice, decided to stop making life so difficult for himself and asked her to ride off into the sunset of forever in his tractor. 

The Bachelor is Real Life

I think I have a new bucket list item: go to a taping of the Women Tell All. For those non-Bachelor viewers, this is a episode taped in front of a live audience that airs the week before the Bachelor finale. The episode is characterized by drama, intense emotion, no holds barred questions, comments and reactions to what happened during the season as all of the jilted women who were sent home are gathered back into the room…together.  Within the first few minutes of the show tears were flowing, accusations being thrown out and fingers were being pointed vehemently. Classic. Trainwreck. And I loved every minute. 

Each week of the Bachelor there has been at least one shining moment that we can reflect back on to teach us a lesson but I honestly don’t know that there was much redemption to be had in this episode! It was hard to not take sides, even as a viewer, or get caught up in people’s stories; it was difficult not to formulate my own accusatory thoughts about certain women or deem some women as more fit for a relationship. And in a moment of authentic honesty, I think part of the reason I, and America, gets so worked up, or engaged or involved or indulged in this drama is that we find ourselves in the characters, the drama and the love story of the show.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a house with 25 other women who are all dating the same man. I mean struggle with casually dating a few men at the same time who don’t even know each other—so having to live with other women who are vying for the attention and affection of a man that you are also, has got to be just pure torture. And not only that, in order to survive your stay on the show you actually have to befriend some of these women, hear their stories and even hear about their dates! I think my heart is racing just thinking about it…or maybe that’s just my 4th cup of coffee talking…  Regardless, if we’re talking a social experiment, this is the prime set up; if we’re honest, the Bachelor mirrors true life in some very important ways. 

We all want to find love

This is the 19th season of the Bachelor and filming is just about to begin on the 11th season of the Bachelorette. I have to believe part of the reason this show is so successful is that it taps in to our natural, human desires to be in a relationship withs someone that is characterized by intimacy, being known and being chosen. Regardless of the state of the dating culture—the hook ups, flings, putting off commitment and keeping things casual—at the core of each of us seems to be this tender and innate part of us that, if we listen to it, needs and desires connection the same way we need and desire food and shelter. We get caught up in the swirl of someone else’s romance because it’s actually what we want for ourselves (whether we are single, dating or married!) 

We are willing to go to extreme measures to find it

 I think we can all hearken back to a time where we might have done something regretful, extreme or at the very least, out of character, in order to find (or keep) love. This show plays into, again, this human nature to find that connection. Typically the things that are the most important to us are the things that we are willing to go out on a limb for, even if the rest of the world deems it ridiculous, wishful or extreme. Though she was named the season’s most controversial ‘character’, Kelsey Poe summed it up well in one of her interviews when she said she was, “…challenging myself in the adventure of love”. What a perfect description of the way we sometimes go about finding that special someone. 

We all have ugly sides that come out when a relationship is on the line

This is where that social experiment really sheds light on our common human experience—and what an episode like the Women Tell All really exemplifies. What we saw last night was ugly. Vindictive. Accusations. Condescendence. Lies. Manipulation. What was so interesting to watch was that instead of being frustrated with the process or with the man who had “broken their hearts” the women blamed others, played on emotion and quickly took sides. Instead of taking an honest look at their own relationships with the Bachelor, these women looked at external factors, hung their hats on nuances and semantics and tried as hard as they could to avoid the inevitable, heart wrenching feeling of being betrayed—of not being chosen—by Chris, not the other women. Instead of processing through this, showing disdain, disrespect and devaluing other people became the theme. 

This is not some brand new tactic to dealing with a broken relationship—I think we all do this. I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who would, initially, voluntarily sit in the loneliness that descends after a relationship is over or when we see that someone else is getting more attention or when things don’t turn out as we had hoped.  It’s way easier to focus on the external factors or even what I might have done wrong (in order to try and fix it for the next time), or even merely apologize for the ugly, mean, harsh or critical things that were said instead of actually exploring WHY they were said in the first place. I don’t think this makes you a broken person, I think it makes you human. 

We view love as a competition 

Even though this reality show is about finding love, let’s be honest—it’s a competition. There is a clear winner and 24 clear losers. I have said in blog posts in the past that good men seem to be few and far between and when that good man finally decides he is ready for a committed and intimate relationship, all he needs to do is lift his head and there are 25 eager women waiting to partner with him. We truly do feel the need to ‘win his heart’, and the Bachelor plays on this concept. 

Whether it’s being the funniest, the most intelligent, the sexiest, the strongest, the most artistic, the most passionate, the most creative or the most __________ (which is all incredibly subjective anyways), there seems to be a hustle to become the type of person that is marriage material before anyone else can take the lead. If someone else is chosen over you the feeling of loss that ensues is more that simply how you might feel if you lose a basketball game or your Bachelor Fantasy League (yes, that’s a real thing people!) it’s a feeling loss that means there is something inherently wrong with you. With me. Losing in the ‘competition’ of love gnaws at our self worth, our shame and our identity that holds a huge amount of power over us. 

We feel like the bridesmaid and never the bride

The essence of the show is that one person will be picked and 24 others will not. Our lives truly feel like the Bachelor…waiting to be picked as we look around and feel intimidated by the other women who seem to have it altogether, are more beautiful and can nab a guy’s attention in a way that we never seem to be able to. We smile, act happy and celebrate with those who have found love (and really, I am confident there is a lot of authentic genuineness in that) but inside we wonder, sometimes with desperation, when it will finally be our turn and when someone will be as admiring of us as we are them. 

I’ve been a bridesmaid at least ten times in my life; I’ve enjoyed these experiences and counted it an honor to stand up for my friend or sibling, but mustering up a smile in those moments (or for several hours at a time) can be downright painful at times. Holding back snarky comments, biting sarcasm or even tears can be difficult in those moments. If there was a microphone in my mind, regretfully, I might sound like some of the women who were interviewed last night. 

                                * * *

I am well aware the The Bachelor has many distinctions from our real life and our own love stories. At the very least, not having cameras following us around 24/7 offers an amount of actual reality that this show simply cannot. Most of us will never, knowingly, compete with 25 other women for the same guy; most of us will not have our most vulnerable thoughts and experiences showed to national audiences. Most of us would never even considering sign up for that. But most of us want love, most of us act temporarily or momentarily insane when something we want could be taken away from us, most of us are terrified of not being good enough or desirable enough and most of us want to be plucked out amidst a sea of faces and told that there is no one else in the world that could compare to us. So really, The Bachelor isn’t all that different from real life. 

The {Courageous} Art of Being Vulnerable

Kaitlyn, Becca & Whitney

“Intense” is the only word I can use to describe this last episode of the Bachelor. We are down to three girls which, in the world of the Bachelor, is known infamously as the time when the Fantasy Suite dates occur. For those non-versed in Bachelor language, Fantasy Suites are the dates consisting of the Bachelor and each of his remaining 3 girls getting to have an overnight date--with no cameras--to talk, get to know each other more and do…whatever they want…  And because of the appeal of no cameras with them for the first time on their journey, it’s usually unlikely that anyone declines this date—regardless of any preconceived notions that the TV viewing audiences have! 

Often times the themes surrounding this episode is of opening up, sharing where you are really at with your feelings and how you see the future with that person. It’s often filled with awkward conversations as difficult questions are asked or unexpected answers are given. Some of the contestants are highly articulate while others painfully struggle to complete sentences. I mean really, it’s almost difficult to watch! 

So let me introduce Kaitlyn, one of Prince Farming’s final three girls. She made quite the entrance at the beginning of the season, identifying herself as the girl who wasn’t afraid to say or laugh at dirty jokes, but also showed herself to be very down to earth, well spoken, intuitive and un-dramatic. I admit, it took a minute for her to grow on me, but as the season wore on it became quite apparent that her, perhaps vulgar, edge acted more as a layer of protection for her as she, admittedly, did not want her heart to be broken. There have been moments in the last few weeks where she has recognized this guard she keeps up and her desire to be softer and even credits our Bachelor with being able to tap into that side of her. And while she acknowledges her fear of loss, she desperately wants to let that guard down. 

Prior to the invitation to go to the Fantasy Suite she and Chris (the Bachelor) are discussing this very concept—letting your guard down. Kaitlyn states something so powerful: “I’ve always thought that [being vulnerable] was a negative thing, but it’s not. It’s almost like I am at my best self when I am vulnerable because I can just open up with how I am feeling and talk about it and accept it.” My little therapist self did a little cheer from my couch as her words offer so much insight into the risk of a relationship and the empowerment of vulnerability. 

Brene Brown, in her book, “Daring Greatly”, defines vulnerability as: capable of being wounded and open to attack or damage. At first glance that sounds absolutely terrifying, right? Who would willingly put themselves in a situation in which they can be hurt, wounded, taken advantage of or broken? It seems absurd that anyone would seek to be vulnerable without being able to guarantee their own safety (physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, mentally, etc.) And when we factor into that our own life experiences, our families, our relationships, our traumas and our hardships, the thought of jumping into a situation in which vulnerability is required—where being wounded is a legitimate possibility—is usually the opposite of what we are interested in doing. 

So, we build walls. We create defense mechanisms. We numb things out. We use humor, food, sex, surface level conversations, avoidance, alcohol, TV, shopping, pills, other people, lying, sarcasm, and anger outbursts to our benefit and focus on these things rather than dare letting someone hurt us again. We become an impenetrable force so that no one can hurt us like they once did. Anytime someone tries to get close to us, we can pull from our bag of tricks to keep them from getting too close—close enough to hurt us. 

And for a while, this feels really good. It feels nice to not have to worry about being hurt, used, manipulated, deceived, played or heartbroken. It feels nice to feel like you can breathe and that you are now in control of your situation.

But then something odd happens. After we have securely built our walls, ensuring that no one can touch us, ensuring that we are safe, ensuring that we are the opposite of vulnerable, we realize that we are alone. I mean alone, alone. Isolated. We have worked so hard at not allowing ourselves to get hurt that we have simultaneously kept out any semblance of meaningful relationship. We are not known to anyone else in a deep and intimate way; we are empty. We are alone. 

So, while we are not being hurt by others, we are instead hurting ourselves. In the isolation we have created as a shield of protection we now find bitterness, resentment, self-pity, toxic shame, depression, lust, pride, anxiety and apathy. The more we sit in these things the more isolated we feel which only fuels each of these things even more. I like to call it the yuck cycle. And the thing is, it’s not coming from people hurting us repeatedly, it’s not coming from our relationships; it’s coming from us—from our desires to keep ourselves safe. From our desire to be invulnerable. 

I come from a family that discourages emotional expression. In fact, in my experience, emotional expression has come under harsh critique, judgement and punishment at times. Part of my own process of healing has been understanding what I feel and allowing myself to feel those things and trust the process. A while back my family went through the death of a loved one and the emotional pain was excruciating. Knowing that I would be entering into a situation that was emotionally unsafe, I made a conscious decision to numb out all emotion and bury it until I returned to the safety of my own home. For a week I actively shoved these emotions and experiences down until I thought I might burst. Never had I felt so alone, never had I felt so horrible about myself, never had I not cared as much—in fact because I was so determined to keep this all in, to not feel the pain for fear of being hurt even more, my body literally manifested the pain. In less than 24 hours of arriving in my hometown I gained nearly 10 pounds—it was the only place that my body could find relief in expressing that emotion!  I felt raw and numb all at the same time and had to isolate myself in my own little world in order to remain un-wounded. 

I think many of us have stories like these. I don’t think that any of us are immune from this process; I would venture to say that all of us either have been, will be or are in a place where the thought of being vulnerable is terrifying and the walls of protection seem so much more appealing. It’s our human nature to want to protect ourselves from being hurt and wounded. And yet, as I reflect on my own experiences, both in the recent and distant past, I see that my iron-clad pursuit of keeping myself safe is what ends up hurting me more. 

I think it feels natural to, as Kaitlyn said, view being vulnerable as negative—even as scary. But when we open ourselves to being vulnerable—to risking, even when there is the possibility of getting hurt—we also open ourselves up to relationship, to life, to freedom, to love, to joy and to intimacy. And isn’t this what a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is all about? Being vulnerable does not give us guarantees, it does not give us a life-long pass from hurt and pain but it can give us so much more. When we can stand in front of another free from judgement, scrutiny, conditions, harshness and negativity I think we truly do open ourself up to the possibility of being our best self.

    

I Feel Invisible

It’s taken me a while to wrap my head around the last episode of the Bachelor and find any semblance of redemption in an episode that, to put it mildly, was dramatic. I mean it’s the Bachelor, so I know drama and train wreck moments are the reason that people watch it but this week ramped up the drama and as odd as this sounds, it was somewhat difficult even as a viewer not to get caught up in it! But alas, after a couple days of mulling over the episode, I have found my concept of redemption and it’s again offered through our sweet Cruise Ship Singer, Carly. 

[On a side note: while I know that as the viewer we only see an edited version of all that is happening, it greatly saddened me to see the manipulative nature in which this season’s “villan” acted. For someone who’s profession and education is in counseling, like my own, it hits a raw spot within me to see how she used her knowledge of people to twist situations, manipulate and say incredibly hurtful things to people only to act dumbfounded when she was confronted and used her “superior intelligence” as the reason she is misunderstood. I don’t think that was the case at all…check out the definition of a Histrionic Personality Disorder and you might have a clearer understanding of what was going on! Ok…off my therapist soap box!] 

In this particular episode while on a group date Chris and Britt sneak off to a Big & Rich concert, leaving the other girls on the [group] date waiting for over an hour with no clue as to where these two are. The only thing they see initially is that Britt comes back with a rose and later find out, from Britt, what the evening consisted of. As they panned around the room it was obvious that many of the girls were frustrated and sad; many of them shedding tears and expressing confusion as to how difficult it was to see the man who’s attention and heart they are vying for focus so much on one girl. 

My girl Carly said it best “…I feel invisible.”

I think what I love so much about Carly is that she is not afraid to speak her heart and mind and in doing so she speaks for so many other women.  While the Bachelor is an extreme situation in which the goal is to actively ‘compete’ for love, I would imagine that most of us women have felt the same desperation at least once in their lives. …That feeling of invisibility—that no matter what you do, what you say, what you look like, how funny you are, how intelligent you are or how __________ you are, there is always that other girl who takes the spotlight and leaves you scratching your head wondering what is wrong with you; we ponder, reflect, question and plan out how we might change ourselves in order to be the girl that gets a guy’s attention. 

I might be preaching to the choir when I say that Middle School and High School were not great years for me in the physical beauty department. I’ve spent countless hours with friends talking about how painfully awkward those years were, looking and pictures and crying from laughing so hard at these younger versions of ourselves who truly believed that we had something going on! I did not peak in high school. I didn’t peak in college. (Actually, sometimes I think I am still waiting on that peak!) But I remember the girls that did and I remember the anxiety and terror of being in the same room with them and a boy I liked. I could not compare to their flirtatious nature, their perfect hair, their thin bodies or designer clothes—and it was affirmed by the boys asking them out, dancing with them and sneaking under the bleachers to make out with those girls. But not me. I was invisible. 

I remember in Middle School getting the role of Dorothy in the school play (this is one of my claims to fame as the girl I beat out for the role went on to do background vocals for Beyonce…I don’t even care if it sounds like I am bragging—I totally am!) I remember thinking that now that I had this prominent role in the play I would perhaps be noticed. I was noticed alright—to this day I am still known as Dorothy in my hometown. Turns out though, that a gingham printed dress and ruby red slippers made of sequins don’t offer much of an appeal to the boys, and no matter how good I was in the play, I still felt invisible. 

I remember my freshman year of high school—sweating profusely every day because I was so uncomfortable in my skin, wondering if this this how the rest of my life would be (I’m thankful to say, the sweating is now contained to hot days or working out!) I remember thinking that if I could just be like some of the other girls or do something just a little bit better or be just a little bit thinner or prettier then perhaps I would be picked, noticed, chosen…seen. Nothing seemed to change though, no matter how much I changed myself. 

Age definitely brings wisdom and I can look back with compassion towards that younger version of myself for all the heartache, anxiety and desperation she went through to try to be noticed. I wish she wouldn’t have felt like she needed to try so hard; I wish she knew that those relationships were only temporary. I wish she knew that there was so much more to life than those years of adolescence and young adulthood. What’s so interesting is that while I know these things now and can laugh with fondness of years gone by, I know there are still many times that I feel invisible. 

Whether it’s announcements of engagements, marriages or children or even a girlfriend finding a great guy to be with there is still sometimes a part of me that feels invisible in those moments and wonders what it is about me that keeps me from being picked. It’s so easy to scan the terrain around us and watch what everyone else is doing, wearing, participating in and even eating (or not eating!) and feel that perhaps if we adopted that lifestyle, choice or habit then perhaps we would not feel so passed over.  

Isn’t it interesting that we want someone to love us for who we are but then we spend our time, energy and resources trying to change who we are in order to meet someone else’s standards? 

That last statement is like a punch in the gut. In one breath I want to “Amen!” that but in the next breath I know that there is kind of a sting to it because I can recall  many times where I have actively sought to change parts of me in an effort to meet another person’s standards. And while I don’t think I did that because I desire to be superficial or didn’t know who I was, it seems unfortunately very easy to throw out the concept of being accepted as you are rather than facing the feeling of invisibility. 

We are created for relationships—I truly believe this is in the fiber of our DNA. And part of the beauty of relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, etc.) is feeling seen, understood and valued by the person you are in a relationship with. True relationship—one that is built on authenticity, trust, commitment, honesty, enjoyment and communication—can only happen when we are seen. And truly being seen requires acceptance of ourselves first that regardless of the pressures to change for someone else’s pleasure or our own instant gratification, we will not let ourselves become invisible to us. 

Your Story is Not You

This week’s episode of the Bachelor has me perplexed. Since the episode ended last night, I have tossed around various ideas of what to write about today…there were certainly a few redeeming moments of the show—when Whitney discussed the importance of being kind to someone even when we didn’t like their actions; when Becca offered empathy and compassion to the Bachelor in the midst of a hard situation. Or when Carly spent time conversing with Chris and asking questions—doing an excellent job of sharing just enough of her heart, experiences and genuine fears in an effort to be known, yet not giving everything away (instead of spending her one-on-one time making out with him.) These were important moments of the night and definitely should not be overlooked. But unfortunately these moments did not stand much of a chance in being some of the pivotal themes of the night due to a few of the other girls’ handling of themselves and their emotions.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, we are introduced to Kelsey at the beginning of the season in a video vignette as she shares with us that she is a widow; her husband passed away abruptly, a mere 18 months ago, due to heart failure. America’s heart went out to this young woman as they embraced her story and her chance to find love again. Kelsey has stayed somewhat in the shadows the entire season, likely due to editing, but has started to make a bit of a name for herself in the past couple episodes which led up to her grand entrance on the episode last night. 

With the other widow being booted off the show in the previous episode, Kelsey now had the most tragic story in the house and she knew it. She began sharing it with the other girls in the house during this episode—catching the girls off guard as to the timing of sharing her story. We hear her say “I can’t go home without him knowing my story”, so without the other girls’ knowledge, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’ room to tell him of the death of her late husband. Awkward is probably a mild word to describe the exchange. As Kelsey shares her story, in depth, the editing cuts back and forth between her conversation and her individual interviews as she talks about how fabulously tragic and amazing her story is. She proclaims that there is undeniable sexual tension between she and Chris and we cut to Kelsey finishing her story and awkwardly planting a passionate kiss on Chris. And, since Chris’ coping skill in all situations awkward (or not awkward) is kissing, he obliges—though his body language indicates he would rather not be there with her. 

Cut to the end of the episode and Chris lets the other women know that Kelsey has shared her story with him—this after she condescendingly shares with the girls how confident she is that she will get a rose tonight. After realizing what is happening the girls begin their chatter and we end the episode with Kelsey on the floor having a ‘panic attack’ as we hear Ashley I.—the self-proclaimed virgin who has spent at least half of her on-air time trying to convince people that it’s not a big deal and and the other half creating drama due to her insecurities over this very same choice—break out in frustration and tears stating, “great, now someone else’s story is more tragic than my own.” 

Drama at it’s finest!

"I'm a virgin, it's not a big deal"--Ashley I.

As I contemplated what to write today, over and over I kept coming back to the overarching theme of the episode being that there were girls who were promoting and defining themselves as women and the totality of who they were based on one choice or one experience. They were viewing their existence among the other women as a game in which they were seeking to come out on top. If I have the most tragic story, I win. If there is another virgin in the house, I lose. And in getting caught up in these mere experiences or choices being what defined them as a woman, so many of these women (who I am sure are truly wonderful) began their demise—when their experience was invalidated so was their identity. 

Now, I am the first one to say that coming through a tragic situation or making a choice that is unpopular in the eyes of others takes an amount of courage. And I would never want to suggest that someone’s experience or decisions weren’t absolutely pivotal in their lives and had a lasting impact on them; we all know that there are certain moments in life that change who we are. But to suggest that one experience or one decision is what makes us who we are entirely, shortchanges our identity and leads to a fragile view of ourselves. Our experiences and choices challenge us, affirm us, devastate us and bring amazing joy into our lives. Sure, sometimes our experiences and choices even seem to beat the hell out of us—bringing us to a place of feeling wrecked for a while. But our choices and situations are just that—choices and situations. They aren’t us. They don’t define the totality of who we are or the essence of our character. Our choices and experiences are a small part of who we are; they are not all of who we are. 

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, made a statement that owning of our story is one of the bravest things that we can do—and I agree wholeheartedly. The ownership of our story however, is the sharing of different parts of us—the different experiences, relationships and emotions that have helped us grow, learn and go through the refining process. Loving ourselves through that process makes space for celebrating that our stories are not bigger than us, more attractive than us, more tragic than us or even what defines us.  They are, simply, stories.

My hope for us all is that we would desire for others to be attracted not to our stories but rather the person we became--the person we are--as a result of all of these different cards that life has dealt us. When someone is attracted to us for our character, rather than the character we played in a story, they are worth keeping around! 

Lessons From a Cruise Ship Singer

Once again the Bachelor has provided some great fodder to think about. While the show is generally pretty comical if you listen closely, every now and again there will be nuggets of wisdom to think about and implement into different parts of your life. Last night was no different and this week’s wisdom comes from Carly, the 29 year old cruise ship singer.

Last night Prince Farming’s sisters paid the girls a visit to spend some time getting to know the girls who were vying after their younger brother’s heart. As an older sister I can certainly appreciate this and think there is definitely wisdom in bringing some outside resources into this process. In their time with Carly she became emotional when she was answering their questions about previous relationships and being treated unkindly. As she discussed the ‘interview’ with the rest of the girls in the house she made a simple and profound statement about her show of emotions with the sisters:

“The things you become emotional about are the things that are most important.”

Regardless of our backgrounds (ethnicities, parts of the country, religion, etc.) there seems to be a resounding theme of the expression of emotions being slightly dangerous. As I continue with my own therapeutic journey and sit in the presence of so many others as they share their stories, I hear over and over just how difficult it is to express emotion over anything—good, bad or even devastating. People seem to have ingrained messages stemming from years and decades ago that tell them to keep their emotions under wraps lest they be judged by others or their emotions would be seen as a weakness. 

I’ve seen this to be especially true when it comes to the topic of dating and relationships. As much as I find myself getting annoyed at the girls on the Bachelor gushing all of their emotions and terms of endearment towards their suitor (which I am sure are at least, in part, scripted), I can’t help but feel a tug at my own heart knowing that it would be nearly impossible to get me to say things like that because of the emotional strings attached to my words. To display my thoughts and emotions to someone, let alone a national audience, would be, at the very least, vulnerable. To not display emotion about something or someone I care about feels far safer and more secure; it’s a layer of protection that I can offer myself in case something doesn’t worked out as I had hoped. 

I see this all the time in relationships—we tell ourselves that we’re not that into someone or that it didn’t feel that terrible to be broken up with or disappeared on. We rationalize the situation, we informationalize (I think I just made that word up!) the situation, we think of 10,000 possibilities for what we might have done wrong in the relationship that we can now be working on…we do anything other than sitting in the emotional pain of feeling something towards another and it not being reciprocated. Becoming emotional about something, showing feelings, getting angry and crying are all signs that someone or something has had an impact on us. But showing emotion is vulnerable. It means that someone has the power to hurt you, to wound you; and in being vulnerable you are willingly exposing yourself to that potential without necessarily knowing the outcome. 

But I wonder if that vulnerability of emotion can, like Miss Carly said, show us also the things that are the most important to us. Things like kindness and compassion; being treated with equality and respect. Maybe showing emotion over something shows us that we really do want a relationship rather than having to hide behind a mask of fierce independence. Maybe showing emotion shows us and others that we are not an impenetrable force but rather a living, breathing, soft human being. What if acknowledging our emotion and understanding what is motivating it can point us in the direction of what we are passionate about in life, in relationships and in the world? 

What a gift we would miss if we shielded ourselves from emotion to keep away the hurt but also ended up keeping out the utter joy and bliss of finding out what is most important to us. 

I Have to Earn a Kiss

The Bachelor season is again upon us, which means that there are many life lessons to be learned in the next couple months through the mistakes (and a few moments of triumph) from others! 

I admit, I LOVE Farmer Chris. Had it not been for the fact that I would be an absolutely terrible contestant (I mean, can you imagine being a therapist in a house full of dramatic girls all fighting over the same guy?), the fact that I hate being the center of attention, that I wouldn’t want my relationship viewed by all of America or having to move to Iowa if I, by chance, ended up as “the one”, I might have considered signing up for the show. Alas, I am far more comfortable sitting in sweats with popcorn and wine on a Monday night trying to guess who he picks through my Bachelor Fantasy League! 

Normally I will write a blog and then let it sit for several weeks before posting it just to let things really marinate, but I feel like I would be missing out on something great if I didn’t process through a few of the things that stuck out from this last night's episode. 

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Prince Farming’s quest for love, the one thing you need to know is that he has been kissing a lot of girls. Like a lot. Almost to the point of awkwardness and it’s causing a lot of dramatic tension between the girls. Any time there seems to be a hint of chemistry or connection between Chris and a girl, it seems to end up in a make out session. 

Except for Becca. 

Becca has been one of my favorites from the beginning. From the moment she stepped out of the limo and gave Chris a hug, there was definite chemistry between them. (I have her going pretty far in my Bachelor Fantasy League for that reason alone!) She hasn’t stood out much though in the last couple episodes as she has been surrounded by many aggressive and outgoing personality types. But this week the viewers finally got to see some one-on-one time between she and Chris during the latter part of the group date. It was effortless, cute, authentic and there was definite chemistry—and in the made-for-TV-perfect-kiss-moment, Becca chose a hug from Chris instead of a kiss. 

After the hug she let him know that while she wanted to kiss him and that it would be a perfect spot, given the backdrop, she wanted to make an unnatural dating situation as natural as possible. She let him know that she didnt’ want to rush into anything physical and handle this dating relationship any different than she would off the show. His response to her: “thats ok! I have to earn a kiss from you” and then he gave her the group date rose!

It’s pretty comical to watch the expression of the other women on the group date as he gave her that rose; many of them were the ones who just moments before had thrown themselves at him, initiated make out sessions and come back bragging about their time with Chris. It would seem though that Becca’s confidence in herself and her values seemed to be of much more appeal to Chris. 

Essentially, Becca is a bitch.

Ok, wait…before you get all up in arms that I just called Becca a bitch, hear me out! A little while back I started reading a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was hesitant to read it because the way we normally associate the word “bitch” is anything but a compliment…but having heard from a couple other people that there were some good concepts in there, I picked it up and started reading. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the book. Well really, I hate it. I hate that she makes so many valid points. And I hate that the points that she makes are valid because of the way our culture has evolved to view dating as such a game of cat and mouse that it nearly makes it impossible to be your normal self in order to get a guy. As Ms. Argov explains, a woman has to exude a form of bitchiness in order to keep the intrigue and attention of a man. She describes a bitch not as someone who creates drama, is a diva or is blatantly mean or disrespectful to others, but rather someone who looks out for her own well being first and sees her value as more than being able to keep a really cute guy (or hot farmer!) In her words, a bitch is someone who is kind and strong—someone who feels ok playing her cards close to her chest, per say, and demanding respect by not allowing men to take advantage of her or devalue her by their fleeting urges. 

Though I am not keen on the term ‘bitch’, I can get on board with the concept. And, according to Ms. Argov’s research, a man loves to chase and pursue—something that the nice girl says she wants a man to do but makes it too easy on him by giving in, giving up and letting go of herself. Apparently men are intrigued by someone who can show restraint, self-respect and holds themselves in high regard (I know this should not come as a surprise, but given the fish in the sea that I have experienced, men certainly don’t give off this impression!) 

In not kissing Chris, Becca sets herself a part from the rest of the group. While the rest of the girls are looking for spare opportunities to make out with Chris, Becca waits and lets Chris come to her. She has a sort of intrigue and mysteriousness that many of the other girls checked the moment they got out of the limo. By her instance on holding back, she states (without words) that she is someone who is worth getting to know, to fight for and that she would choose him rather than needing him. And Chris notices. 

I don’t know how the relationship with Chris and Becca turns out; I haven’t read the spoilers—but I would guess that she makes it pretty far if she continues to hold herself in this regard. 

In talking with another single girlfriend of mine about this concept of being a bitch there is an amount of both freedom and exhaustion that is felt. Exhaustion in the sense that it feels really inauthentic to not be able to be myself in a relationship—having to worry that if I care too much, share too much or tell him how much I like him too soon that he will be driven away (by my “overbearing personality”). It’s exhausting to have to be so calculated: not invite him to your house until a certain point, wait a certain number of dates to increase physical affection, watch the clock and give yourself a chunk of time in between communications. And it’s exhausting to have to be the one who has to keep all these concepts at the front of your mind and make sure they are implemented seamlessly, especially when it seems like the guy has freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and can snatch us up whenever he finally decides to land? Since when did playing the bitch card become the norm? 

But as much as I want to rebel against all of these concepts, I do have to acknowledge that this is the unfortunate reality of how we live and how we date. I don’t like it; I’m not required to like it. But I do need to do something with it. And that is where the freedom part comes in. I know these things now, and despite my aversion to them, at least I am not in the dark. But moreover, it prompts me into a place of looking out for myself that never should have become abnormal anyways. And therein lies the freedom. I don’t love the chase and hustle of dating, but if looking out for myself means that I am treated with respect and honor, then I win. It might be really difficult to not invite someone over, or someone in after a great date, but if that increases his intrigue in me, affirming that I am someone who is not merely a good time but someone who is of worth, I win then as well. 

So, as much as I hate it, I guess I’m gonna try to be a bitch.