The Life of a Bitch: My Experiences

A couple months ago I wrote a post featuring one of my favorite contestants on this season of the Bachelorette, Becca. She stood out to me because of her high value of herself and wanting to make sure that regardless of the outcome of the relationship with the Bachelor she stayed true to herself. In the blog I called Becca a bitch—with the definition of bitch being quite different than what you and I think of! In Sherry Argov’s book “Why Men Love Bitches” a bitch is described as someone who is strong yet kind; someone who does not put more merit on what others think of her than what she thinks of herself. 

So, between Becca’s example and agreeing with some of the comments in Ms. Argov’s book, I decided that this was something I was going to try with men. In my own life I have been working on ensuring that I see myself as valuable, worthy and with honor first—and then expecting that from others (in all types of relationships). Throughout my experiences dating I have developed a list of what I would consider red flags—comments or situations that, in my mind, warrant at the very least a pause for consideration, but likely just ceasing contact altogether. (My Red Flags are outlined in the picture to the right). 

I’ve gone back and forth on how to handle when these red flags up, but as I have continued dating various people, learning about myself and observing others in a relationship, I have come to realize that if one of these red flags are present it’s not likely that any sort of a healthy relationship could emerge. I am all for giving people second chances too—but as I think you can see from what my red flags are, if someone were to do one of these things I might question if they are even worthy of a second chance. The more I reflected on it, the clearer it became to me that if one of these red flags were present it was already evidence that he showed a lack of respect for me and I had the responsibility to, despite his actions or words, respect myself and cease contact/communication. 

With all of this ‘outlined’ for me and knowing, with confidence, how I desired to be treated by others, I began talking to different guys on a dating app. I started talking to a handful of guys; some of them fizzled out because they had no idea what a conversation was (ya know, both people asking and answering questions). Others ceased because there just didn’t seem to be any sort of connection. Some were automatic “no’s” as their opening line consisted of either a sexual line or simply outright asking me if I was “DTF” (if you don’t know what that stands for, just google it).  A few guys emerged from the pack though and we maintained communication via the app or through texting/talking on the phone. 

And then it happened. 

In a conversation with one of these men boys, he made a comment, disguised in a joking manner, asking me to have sex with him. This wasn’t new to me; there have certainly been many other times where I have been faced with this situation (unfortunate, but true!) but this time was different because I knew I couldn’t brush it off. I knew that I owed it to myself to stick to my “plan”. But this whole ‘really taking it seriously’ plan was such a new thing for me that I couldn’t seem to get the words out of my mouth so I instead ended the conversation and hung up the phone. I sat and contemplated what had just happened; each time I checked my phone I saw he had sent another text with questions getting to know me. I thought about letting it slide and just giving him a free pass, but I knew it was now or never. Because we had only had one phone conversation and the majority of our communication had been via text, I felt comfortable addressing this via text (and I may have been just a wee bit nervous). So here is how it went down: 

Obviously I had no reason to respond to this, but I was taken aback. It’s hard to hear people make comments to me that the reason for me being single is because I chose to stand up for myself and respect myself when he clearly wasn’t.  (And if he truly did want to learn something from the mistake, I think he had every opportunity do so in how he chose to respond to me). I have been called all kinds of things in reaction to declining the offer to sleep with someone, go on another date with someone or continue communication with someone: a prude, uptight, someone who has too much baggage, religious, intimidating, a snot, judgmental…the list could go on. It’s sad that I’ve gotten used to words like that but it’s also a source of affirmation to me when they say those things that I have made the right choice. 

But being told that the reason I am single is because I am not willing to put up with devaluing behavior hurts just a little bit more. It feels like more of a personal attack—like an invitation to shame… “if I just wasn’t so sensitive to people’s sexual solicitation of me, then maybe I wouldn’t be single… if I just had more of a sense of humor about sexual encounters and requests, then maybe I would have a date on Friday night…” And on top of that is this keen awareness that if the situation were reverse and a guy were to turn down a girl’s request for sex he would be considered noble, respectful, upstanding and would likely become even more attractive in the eyes of others. Being a bitch is hard!

I don’t regret standing up for myself—I never do. I know I have a sense of humor, am nonjudgmental and have dealt with the things I need to deal with. I know that those comments are thrown at me because that particular man feels the need to defend himself to try and make himself feel better (wait, isn’t that the definition of a bully?) but it still isn’t always easy to hear them. I mean, the fact of the matter is I do wonder if the reason I am single is because I am too __________ or not enough __________. So when someone tells you that you are the very things that you are questioning about yourself, it’s hard not to get caught up in it. 

It’s in those moments though that I have to catch myself and offer a bit of reality and compassion to the situation. When I slow myself down and realize what has just happened—that he was disrespectful, bullying and defensive—it allows me the opportunity to offer kindness back to myself and affirm that I do not deserve being treated that way. I am given permission in that moment to see a future perspective knowing that if he is going to say those things to me, sometimes without even having met me face-to-face, that he’s not likely going to become more respectful and honoring as time goes on. 

And while yes, sometimes the ending of that situation means that I do sit alone on a Friday night or have to block people’s numbers in my phone, there is a lot of peace in knowing that my being a bitch has allowed me to dodge a bullet. 

I Have to Earn a Kiss

The Bachelor season is again upon us, which means that there are many life lessons to be learned in the next couple months through the mistakes (and a few moments of triumph) from others! 

I admit, I LOVE Farmer Chris. Had it not been for the fact that I would be an absolutely terrible contestant (I mean, can you imagine being a therapist in a house full of dramatic girls all fighting over the same guy?), the fact that I hate being the center of attention, that I wouldn’t want my relationship viewed by all of America or having to move to Iowa if I, by chance, ended up as “the one”, I might have considered signing up for the show. Alas, I am far more comfortable sitting in sweats with popcorn and wine on a Monday night trying to guess who he picks through my Bachelor Fantasy League! 

Normally I will write a blog and then let it sit for several weeks before posting it just to let things really marinate, but I feel like I would be missing out on something great if I didn’t process through a few of the things that stuck out from this last night's episode. 

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Prince Farming’s quest for love, the one thing you need to know is that he has been kissing a lot of girls. Like a lot. Almost to the point of awkwardness and it’s causing a lot of dramatic tension between the girls. Any time there seems to be a hint of chemistry or connection between Chris and a girl, it seems to end up in a make out session. 

Except for Becca. 

Becca has been one of my favorites from the beginning. From the moment she stepped out of the limo and gave Chris a hug, there was definite chemistry between them. (I have her going pretty far in my Bachelor Fantasy League for that reason alone!) She hasn’t stood out much though in the last couple episodes as she has been surrounded by many aggressive and outgoing personality types. But this week the viewers finally got to see some one-on-one time between she and Chris during the latter part of the group date. It was effortless, cute, authentic and there was definite chemistry—and in the made-for-TV-perfect-kiss-moment, Becca chose a hug from Chris instead of a kiss. 

After the hug she let him know that while she wanted to kiss him and that it would be a perfect spot, given the backdrop, she wanted to make an unnatural dating situation as natural as possible. She let him know that she didnt’ want to rush into anything physical and handle this dating relationship any different than she would off the show. His response to her: “thats ok! I have to earn a kiss from you” and then he gave her the group date rose!

It’s pretty comical to watch the expression of the other women on the group date as he gave her that rose; many of them were the ones who just moments before had thrown themselves at him, initiated make out sessions and come back bragging about their time with Chris. It would seem though that Becca’s confidence in herself and her values seemed to be of much more appeal to Chris. 

Essentially, Becca is a bitch.

Ok, wait…before you get all up in arms that I just called Becca a bitch, hear me out! A little while back I started reading a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was hesitant to read it because the way we normally associate the word “bitch” is anything but a compliment…but having heard from a couple other people that there were some good concepts in there, I picked it up and started reading. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the book. Well really, I hate it. I hate that she makes so many valid points. And I hate that the points that she makes are valid because of the way our culture has evolved to view dating as such a game of cat and mouse that it nearly makes it impossible to be your normal self in order to get a guy. As Ms. Argov explains, a woman has to exude a form of bitchiness in order to keep the intrigue and attention of a man. She describes a bitch not as someone who creates drama, is a diva or is blatantly mean or disrespectful to others, but rather someone who looks out for her own well being first and sees her value as more than being able to keep a really cute guy (or hot farmer!) In her words, a bitch is someone who is kind and strong—someone who feels ok playing her cards close to her chest, per say, and demanding respect by not allowing men to take advantage of her or devalue her by their fleeting urges. 

Though I am not keen on the term ‘bitch’, I can get on board with the concept. And, according to Ms. Argov’s research, a man loves to chase and pursue—something that the nice girl says she wants a man to do but makes it too easy on him by giving in, giving up and letting go of herself. Apparently men are intrigued by someone who can show restraint, self-respect and holds themselves in high regard (I know this should not come as a surprise, but given the fish in the sea that I have experienced, men certainly don’t give off this impression!) 

In not kissing Chris, Becca sets herself a part from the rest of the group. While the rest of the girls are looking for spare opportunities to make out with Chris, Becca waits and lets Chris come to her. She has a sort of intrigue and mysteriousness that many of the other girls checked the moment they got out of the limo. By her instance on holding back, she states (without words) that she is someone who is worth getting to know, to fight for and that she would choose him rather than needing him. And Chris notices. 

I don’t know how the relationship with Chris and Becca turns out; I haven’t read the spoilers—but I would guess that she makes it pretty far if she continues to hold herself in this regard. 

In talking with another single girlfriend of mine about this concept of being a bitch there is an amount of both freedom and exhaustion that is felt. Exhaustion in the sense that it feels really inauthentic to not be able to be myself in a relationship—having to worry that if I care too much, share too much or tell him how much I like him too soon that he will be driven away (by my “overbearing personality”). It’s exhausting to have to be so calculated: not invite him to your house until a certain point, wait a certain number of dates to increase physical affection, watch the clock and give yourself a chunk of time in between communications. And it’s exhausting to have to be the one who has to keep all these concepts at the front of your mind and make sure they are implemented seamlessly, especially when it seems like the guy has freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and can snatch us up whenever he finally decides to land? Since when did playing the bitch card become the norm? 

But as much as I want to rebel against all of these concepts, I do have to acknowledge that this is the unfortunate reality of how we live and how we date. I don’t like it; I’m not required to like it. But I do need to do something with it. And that is where the freedom part comes in. I know these things now, and despite my aversion to them, at least I am not in the dark. But moreover, it prompts me into a place of looking out for myself that never should have become abnormal anyways. And therein lies the freedom. I don’t love the chase and hustle of dating, but if looking out for myself means that I am treated with respect and honor, then I win. It might be really difficult to not invite someone over, or someone in after a great date, but if that increases his intrigue in me, affirming that I am someone who is not merely a good time but someone who is of worth, I win then as well. 

So, as much as I hate it, I guess I’m gonna try to be a bitch.