Stop It.

Ok, so I was trying really hard to refrain from writing more Bachelor blogs in an effort to not get caught up in the drama. So far I’ve done a pretty good job but after the finale episode of Bachelor in Paradise last night, I simply couldn’t resist! (And for those of you who don’t know what Bachelor in Paradise is, it’s a summer show about love and dating with previous Bachelor/ette cast members).  And to affirm that I needed to write a blog about this, even my friend texted me to tell me she thought I should write about it!

During the 5-6 weeks that the cast was away in Mexico there were relationships that developed at the beginning and lasted the duration of the show that seemed to be headed in the direction of making it in the real world as a couple. In fact, one of the couples even got engaged at the end and are planning to get married in the near future! The other couple, affectionally dubbed Kirkly (Kirk and Carly), did not have as happy of an ending though. Breaking up with anyone is never an easy task. I would imagine that breaking up with someone in front of cameras and knowing in the back of your mind that it will be broadcasted on national television is even worse. 

If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, you have likely read a couple blogs inspired by Carly Waddell. I think what inspires me about her is that I feel like she and I have such similar lives—she just lives hers on a more public forum. Carly has a way of sharing her thoughts and experiences in a way that seem very raw and honest to her and very empathetic and connecting to others. So when Kirk broke up with her, or rather blindsided her, I’ll bet if you listened closely you likely would have heard thousands of other women across America gasping as they too have felt the gut-punch of the switch being flipped, their world turning upside down and being left in the dust by someone they thought was in it for the long haul. 

As we headed into the “After Paradise” special last night, despite the huge amount of awkwardness that was present when Kirk and Carly were on stage together, I think most of us were curious to hear more about what happened! I can give Kirk some points for sincerely apologizing; I don’t think his intent was to hurt Carly, but the manner in which he went about the relationship and then the break up was, in my opinion, quite terrible. After Kirk tried apologizing to Carly we learned that less than 24 hours before he broke up with Carly (with the reasons being he felt like it was moving too fast and he had been questioning the relationship with her for a while), he and Carly had conversations about their future outside of Paradise and Kirk had expressed excitement and confirmation that he was ok with the pace of the relationship, couldn’t wait to meet her family, had a house in the suburbs with rooms (for kids someday) and even talked to Carly about moving to be with him. AND these were not one-time conversations… 

I applaud Carly for the way she handled herself because I would have had a few more choice words to say about the situation if it were me! When Carly was asked if she had anything else to say, her words were perfect: “…for all the women that this has happened to, just like, guys, stop doing this. Like stop! Don’t do this to someone else! Please stop doing this because this is wrong. This is just wrong!” (This is the point where I knew I absolutely had to write a blog about this!) Carly wasn’t saying this out of malice or vindication, she was saying it from experience—experience of being told by men she was dating that they were in, wanting the relationship, looking at the future, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath her and left to shake her head wondering what had just happened!

Do you know that this experience—the experience that Carly was talking about—has happened to me more times than the number of fingers on my hands? I kid you not. I could tell story after story of guys who have consistently and passionately told me how wonderful I was, how I was unlike anyone they had met, how they could see their future with me, how they wanted to have kids with me, how they were looking to include me in financial decisions and not-too-distant future plans only to, less than a week later (and sometimes mere hours later) flip the switch and tell me it was going too fast, that they got caught up in the moment or made up some lame excuse that I would be better with someone else! I literally have had PTSD like reactions around the 5-6 week point of any relationship because of how many times this has happened!

For Kirk’s sake I would love to cut him some slack and say “oh, it’s just a Northern guy thing”…I mean it is, for sure. Living in the North I had many of those experiences in relationships myself (can I just tell you how  many guys have told me they could see themselves marrying me and then never have? I should have been married at least 17 times by now!) And while those Northern boys certainly are different in their approaches to relationships, I haven’t found much better luck here in the South. Essentially, it’s a guy thing. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why it happens! 

See, here’s the thing, I don’t think it’s just me who thinks about the future of a relationship. I have been known to, on more than one (or ten) occasions pair my first name with his last name. Or I have imagined a future together; I’ve thought about where we would live, what we would talk about for the rest of our lives or the types of activities we would be involved in. I’ve thought about how many kids we would have, if I would have to drive a mini-van or if we would be those parents who annoyingly gush about how perfect their children are. But you know what? In all of the times that I have thought about these things I have NEVER initiated conversations about the future (unless we truly were in a committed relationship where it was natural to continue those discussions). But if my memory serves me right, in every one of these aforementioned times, the guy has. Again and again. Sometimes it’s really difficulty not to join in on his future planning with me, but I’ve learned from experience that those conversations don’t usually end well. 

I don’t get it. I really don’t. At the risk of sounding prideful, I think that I’m a good catch; it doesn’t surprise me anymore when guys think that too. What surprises me is how they, in an instant, stop thinking that. What surprises me is how a guy can be fine with the pace of the relationship (even the driver of the pace) and without warning have a mini-meltdown at how fast it is going (and inevitably find something you said as a point to blame this sudden shift of mentality on—I’m not bitter, I swear! Ok, but really, I’m not; I’ve come to terms a long time ago that when this happens it’s more about him than it is about me, but it still catches me off guard!) and suddenly end it! Ummmmm, can I get an Amen?

Perhaps I should have stated it at the beginning, but this blog is not going to end with everything tied up in a neat packaged and adorned with a pretty bow—if I had the inside scoop to this weird guy-phenomenon, believe me I would tell you! And ladies, you’re not entirely off the hook…I think many of us have been known to do this a time or two as well. So to echo the words of Carly, why don’t we all just stop it!

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.