I think I have a new bucket list item: go to a taping of the Women Tell All. For those non-Bachelor viewers, this is a episode taped in front of a live audience that airs the week before the Bachelor finale. The episode is characterized by drama, intense emotion, no holds barred questions, comments and reactions to what happened during the season as all of the jilted women who were sent home are gathered back into the room…together. Within the first few minutes of the show tears were flowing, accusations being thrown out and fingers were being pointed vehemently. Classic. Trainwreck. And I loved every minute.
Each week of the Bachelor there has been at least one shining moment that we can reflect back on to teach us a lesson but I honestly don’t know that there was much redemption to be had in this episode! It was hard to not take sides, even as a viewer, or get caught up in people’s stories; it was difficult not to formulate my own accusatory thoughts about certain women or deem some women as more fit for a relationship. And in a moment of authentic honesty, I think part of the reason I, and America, gets so worked up, or engaged or involved or indulged in this drama is that we find ourselves in the characters, the drama and the love story of the show.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a house with 25 other women who are all dating the same man. I mean struggle with casually dating a few men at the same time who don’t even know each other—so having to live with other women who are vying for the attention and affection of a man that you are also, has got to be just pure torture. And not only that, in order to survive your stay on the show you actually have to befriend some of these women, hear their stories and even hear about their dates! I think my heart is racing just thinking about it…or maybe that’s just my 4th cup of coffee talking… Regardless, if we’re talking a social experiment, this is the prime set up; if we’re honest, the Bachelor mirrors true life in some very important ways.
We all want to find love
This is the 19th season of the Bachelor and filming is just about to begin on the 11th season of the Bachelorette. I have to believe part of the reason this show is so successful is that it taps in to our natural, human desires to be in a relationship withs someone that is characterized by intimacy, being known and being chosen. Regardless of the state of the dating culture—the hook ups, flings, putting off commitment and keeping things casual—at the core of each of us seems to be this tender and innate part of us that, if we listen to it, needs and desires connection the same way we need and desire food and shelter. We get caught up in the swirl of someone else’s romance because it’s actually what we want for ourselves (whether we are single, dating or married!)
We are willing to go to extreme measures to find it
I think we can all hearken back to a time where we might have done something regretful, extreme or at the very least, out of character, in order to find (or keep) love. This show plays into, again, this human nature to find that connection. Typically the things that are the most important to us are the things that we are willing to go out on a limb for, even if the rest of the world deems it ridiculous, wishful or extreme. Though she was named the season’s most controversial ‘character’, Kelsey Poe summed it up well in one of her interviews when she said she was, “…challenging myself in the adventure of love”. What a perfect description of the way we sometimes go about finding that special someone.
We all have ugly sides that come out when a relationship is on the line
This is where that social experiment really sheds light on our common human experience—and what an episode like the Women Tell All really exemplifies. What we saw last night was ugly. Vindictive. Accusations. Condescendence. Lies. Manipulation. What was so interesting to watch was that instead of being frustrated with the process or with the man who had “broken their hearts” the women blamed others, played on emotion and quickly took sides. Instead of taking an honest look at their own relationships with the Bachelor, these women looked at external factors, hung their hats on nuances and semantics and tried as hard as they could to avoid the inevitable, heart wrenching feeling of being betrayed—of not being chosen—by Chris, not the other women. Instead of processing through this, showing disdain, disrespect and devaluing other people became the theme.
This is not some brand new tactic to dealing with a broken relationship—I think we all do this. I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who would, initially, voluntarily sit in the loneliness that descends after a relationship is over or when we see that someone else is getting more attention or when things don’t turn out as we had hoped. It’s way easier to focus on the external factors or even what I might have done wrong (in order to try and fix it for the next time), or even merely apologize for the ugly, mean, harsh or critical things that were said instead of actually exploring WHY they were said in the first place. I don’t think this makes you a broken person, I think it makes you human.
We view love as a competition
Even though this reality show is about finding love, let’s be honest—it’s a competition. There is a clear winner and 24 clear losers. I have said in blog posts in the past that good men seem to be few and far between and when that good man finally decides he is ready for a committed and intimate relationship, all he needs to do is lift his head and there are 25 eager women waiting to partner with him. We truly do feel the need to ‘win his heart’, and the Bachelor plays on this concept.
Whether it’s being the funniest, the most intelligent, the sexiest, the strongest, the most artistic, the most passionate, the most creative or the most __________ (which is all incredibly subjective anyways), there seems to be a hustle to become the type of person that is marriage material before anyone else can take the lead. If someone else is chosen over you the feeling of loss that ensues is more that simply how you might feel if you lose a basketball game or your Bachelor Fantasy League (yes, that’s a real thing people!) it’s a feeling loss that means there is something inherently wrong with you. With me. Losing in the ‘competition’ of love gnaws at our self worth, our shame and our identity that holds a huge amount of power over us.
We feel like the bridesmaid and never the bride
The essence of the show is that one person will be picked and 24 others will not. Our lives truly feel like the Bachelor…waiting to be picked as we look around and feel intimidated by the other women who seem to have it altogether, are more beautiful and can nab a guy’s attention in a way that we never seem to be able to. We smile, act happy and celebrate with those who have found love (and really, I am confident there is a lot of authentic genuineness in that) but inside we wonder, sometimes with desperation, when it will finally be our turn and when someone will be as admiring of us as we are them.
I’ve been a bridesmaid at least ten times in my life; I’ve enjoyed these experiences and counted it an honor to stand up for my friend or sibling, but mustering up a smile in those moments (or for several hours at a time) can be downright painful at times. Holding back snarky comments, biting sarcasm or even tears can be difficult in those moments. If there was a microphone in my mind, regretfully, I might sound like some of the women who were interviewed last night.
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I am well aware the The Bachelor has many distinctions from our real life and our own love stories. At the very least, not having cameras following us around 24/7 offers an amount of actual reality that this show simply cannot. Most of us will never, knowingly, compete with 25 other women for the same guy; most of us will not have our most vulnerable thoughts and experiences showed to national audiences. Most of us would never even considering sign up for that. But most of us want love, most of us act temporarily or momentarily insane when something we want could be taken away from us, most of us are terrified of not being good enough or desirable enough and most of us want to be plucked out amidst a sea of faces and told that there is no one else in the world that could compare to us. So really, The Bachelor isn’t all that different from real life.
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