Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

I'll Be Your Tinderella

I have finally succumbed to the pressure. Well, kind of. Ok, no one was pressuring me. I did it because I wanted to feel better about myself one night. I joined Tinder.

A few months ago I was broken up with someone for what I would consider fairly shallow reasons. The short of it is he preferred a size 2, large breasted, super model-ish woman as compared to my average size, decent looks (I mean, I don’t think I need to wear a bag over my head), small chest and large(r)…well…bedonkadonk (something which, I might add, has never been a problem in previous relationships nor am I looking to change!) The process of coming to terms with that is in another blog but one of the ways of dealing with the aftermath was joining Tinder. 

(For those of you who don’t know what Tinder is, it’s a free app for your phone in which you can potentially interact with people. If you like the way they look and what they choose to say in their 200 character profile, swipe right. If not, swipe left. If that person swipes right too, you can chat via their version of text messaging. The app allows you to come in contact with other users of the app within a 50 mile radius of your locale which means wherever you are there is a chance to meet someone!)

So, on a night that I just wanted to feel good about myself and see if other people found me attractive, I joined Tinder. Essentially I was in the drivers seat and was able to “swipe away” those I wasn’t attracted to (without the chance of really hurting their feelings) and was encouraged when someone I found attractive also found me attractive. I know, I know, perhaps not the best way of dealing with things, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I developed a love/hate relationship with the app and go in spurts of checking it or not. On the one hand there is an allure to the potential dates and people who you might not normally run into. On the other hand, the amount of potential dates can be intimidating, not to mention the stereotype that goes along with a free dating app—that most people are on it for sexual encounters exclusively. (The following screenshot of a message would be a great example! …his messages are in gray, mine are in blue…)

So that got me thinking; I have started to notice a few trends as of late as I have delved into the world of Tinder and it has opened my eyes even more to our modern culture of dating. 

1. There is a hustle to dating - people are in and out quick
2. Dating is like a buffet
3. There is no typical dating etiquette
4. People are bolder behind a phone screen than in real life
5. It’s consuming and overwhelming
6. …and yet oddly satisfying

Let me explain…

• Finding a date nowadays seems to be tailored for someone with Adult ADD or ADHD. It’s fast paced and if you take too long to respond to a request you are either ignored eternally or responded to with a snarky comment. As a general rule I have been trying to not be so attached to my phone, which means that many times I don’t even know where it is. A few weeks back I received a message from a guy who I had been communicating with in which he gave me his phone number and asked to communicate via text (which I actually would not have been opposed to). A couple hours later when I checked my phone, he had already written another message back with a passive aggressive statement regarding me not contacting him (which you can be sure was enough red flag to indeed NOT contact him). I began paying attention to how fast someone would lose interest in me—if I responded immediately to a message the interest was maintained. If, for whatever reason, I did not respond immediately it was far more likely that I would never hear back from that person. 

• Dating is like a buffet. It’s hard to concentrate on just one person, nor do you need to concentrate on just one person, when there are 15 more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes who are filling our inbox with messages. I used to get really mad about this and yet I find myself doing it from time to time too. Having this many options allows one to create in their mind a standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist in any one person. This person’s smile, another person’s build, another person’s zest for life combined with another person’s nurturing spirit; someone who is partying every weekend and another who takes life and responsibility seriously.  There is no need to get serious about any one person when there are always more on standby for when something doesn’t work out. In fact, that thought actually perpetuates things NOT working out. The thought of “is there someone better out there” plagues even the best of us who value commitment, fidelity and loyalty; it’s hard to resist when it’s just a click away!

• Ever since I was a teen I knew very well of the unspoken rule that if someone calls you/texts you after 10:00 at night it’s a booty call. And lest you want to be perceived as someone who is looking for that, you maintain communication during the non-booty-call-hours of 8:00am—10:00pm. However, it is not abnormal to wake up to several messages from several different guys that were written only a couple hours before I woke up in the morning. Not only is my first thought questioning what their intentions are, but I can’t help but wonder how someone who advertises himself as an attorney can stay up until three or four o’clock in the morning every night and still be at the office by 8. The expectation is that we are online all the time which means that it’s not so uncommon to stay up until the wee hours of the morning texting back and forth with a perfect stranger—all starting off as innocent conversation and quickly moving to things that you would not want your momma to see!

• The concept of being bolder behind the screen (phone, computer, iPad, etc.) is getting a lot of buzz as of late, typically in regards to teens and young adults. However, the same is true for people in their 30’s and 40’s. When someone asks me to meet them for sex (see the above text), I can’t help but wonder if they were in front of me would that truly be the first thing out of their mouth? Maybe I am naive, but it would seem that the chances are much slimmer. Having the barrier of a screen seems to allow people to un-filter, say whatever they want and not truly see or feel the consequences of their words and actions. This of course only leads to objectification. If someone feels it appropriate to ask people for inappropriate things (e.g. sexually) it is probably safe to assume they are also not seeing the other person as having a heart, soul, emotions and a mind. And if we want to go down that road, this seems like a perfect recipe for breeding sociopaths (…I’ll refrain from getting on that soapbox!)

• Online dating can be absolutely consuming and overwhelming. It’s pretty much a full time job! The other night I realized that my settings on the app were not reflecting the true age range of people that I was looking to meet. After increasing the age not only was I faced with endless options, I also woke up the next morning (a mere six hours after shutting my phone off the previous night) with 15 notifications of new matches and messages. That’s 15 potential relationships, 15 conversations to keep straight (not to mention the handful of other guys that I was already communicating with) and 15 responses to the typical get-to-know-you questions. By 10:00 that next morning I had received 6 invitations to go out that night which then led to the task of politely declining them…all.  Before I knew it, my morning that was going to be used for catching up on housework was gone as I had just spent more hours than I would like to admit communicating with potential dates. The exhausting part comes in knowing that the likelihood that it will happen again tomorrow is pretty great. Talk about overwhelming…

• …and yet, it’s oddly satisfying. I can’t deny the fact that looking at my phone with invitations to get to know me, take me out and compliments about my profile and pictures aren’t something I like. I do. Who doesn’t? As overwhelming as it is to wake up to those messages, it kind of makes me feel good to know that someone (or 15 someones) wants me. Sitting at home by myself on a Friday night doesn’t seem as bad or lonely when I know there were at least options to go out and the choice I made was what kept me in. Being able to jump online in a moment of desperate loneliness and try to find connection (no matter how shallow it might be) has a certain appeal!

And that last trend…well, that’s the trend that makes the other trends bearable. It’s the trend that speaks to our deep need for connection and relationship. It’s the trend that keeps us hopeful despite all the less than appropriate encounters. It’s the trend that keeps us from deleting the app. It’s the trend that keeps us swiping right. 

That last trend speaks so deeply to my human need for intimacy—to be seen, known and loved by another. It’s truly a basic need just as food, water and shelter are. And it makes sense since so many of us go after it as if our lives depended on it. Though the trends in how we go about finding love and what the appropriate or inappropriate ways are to do so vary from year to year and generation to generation, the fact remains that we do it because we believe in the possibility of love. 

What these trends have taught me is to develop a thick skin and an uncanny weeding system. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am going to receive messages from people that make my skin crawl. I am going to be rejected because I don’t text a stranger after 10:00pm. I will get no response from someone whom I don’t respond to in a timely (30 second) manner. And while I could let these things deeply discourage me on this quest and even give me a ‘right’ to live with an edge of cynicism, it can also propel me in hope knowing that with each missed connection I am, perhaps, one step closer to a great connection. Though I do not like the current dating trends I choose, day after day, week after week and month after month, to do it. I choose to do the hard thing and keep putting myself out there. I do it for something bigger than me. I do it for love. I do it because maybe, just maybe, the shoe will fit and I will be someone’s Tinderella.  

Being Thomas Edison

I am blessed. Truly I am. While the writing of this blog is for you, the reader, it is also very therapeutic for me and I am blessed by the response I have gotten from people who hold a special place in my heart. So shout out to all of those amazing people…you know who you are (if you are wondering if it’s you I’m talking to…it probably is!)

These people that I refer to are the ones who have consistently told me how proud they are of me. It’s taken me a minute to figure out why they are proud of me; sad for me, angry, confused…I understand that (and expected that to be the response). But proud of me was something that caught me off guard. Given the number of horror stories I could share, I have fully expected my friends to ask me to refrain from talking about the latest guy I have accepted a date from. Or I would have understood if they advised me to take a break from dating, use this time to “figure yourself out” (more about that in another blog), or even register on a religious dating site in hopes of finding a different caliber of man. Proud of me, though…

“I’m so proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there…”

When Thomas Edison was asked, after many failed attempts to successfully create the light bulb, if he ever grew discouraged or thought he was wasting his time, Edison said no, he learned something important each time he tried. He learned that there was another material not to be used:

“During all those years of experimentation and research, I never once made a discovery. All my work was deductive, and the results I achieved were those of invention, pure and simple. I would construct a theory and work on its lines until I found it was untenable. Then it would be discarded at once and another theory evolved. This was the only possible way for me to work out the problem. ... I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed 10,000 different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet only in two cases did my experiments prove the truth of my theory.”—Thomas Edison

In a meditative reading a while back, Thomas Edison’s scientific attempts were reflected on as the author used Edison’s example to offer hope and persistence to other aspects of life, namely in relationships. Edison’s lessons are not only telling, but transferrable, especially when seeking out our calling or how we seek out love. Envisioning what we need is powerful and incredibly real but just as crucial is the confidence of spirit to know that it will work—that it’s worth it to keep trying—even if we haven't found exactly where we belong or who to love yet. Equally as vital is the perseverance in trying to find exactly what will work. It cannot be stated enough that what feels so inspiring about Thomas Edison’s journey in inventing the lightbulb is that he never viewed his non-light-producing attempts as any type of failure, but rather as his vital process of discovery.  (My paraphrase from Mark Nepo, Book of Awakening).

It finally hit me why they kept saying they were proud of me. It’s because continuing to put yourself out there when you continually are getting left, abandoned, cheated on, abused, questioned, taking emotional punches...it’s tough as all get out to not sink into a place of misery, tears, cynicism and hopelessness. It can become quite difficult to not view each first date as a worthless when it doesn’t turn into a second date. It can be agonizing to become aware of additional baggage and personal hinderances that make relationships feel like all-for-naught. It can feel confusing when the only guys who seem to respond to your online dating profile are too young, too old or someone that there clearly would never be any attraction to. All of these things can feel like I have failed at relationships and love, thus enforcing a hypothesis about myself and relationships that is simply misdirected (or probably false altogether).

Obviously there have been days where I have not had such a positive outlook and it’s been easier to wonder what is wrong with me and why I keep failing rather than looking at each experience as an opportunity to grow and learn. There have been times where I have wondered if I truly do have the right to be apathetic, frustrated or exhausted; I have wondered if some of my friends’ cynicism for me (or rather my “situation”) would be better owned by me. But in moments where it is easy to slip those masks on, there seems to be an equal, and usually stronger, pull in the opposite direction that reminds me that the self awareness and life gained through this process is far from failure. 

There is something very freeing in having absolute certainty in knowing what I value, what I want, what I need, what I desire and what my boundaries are from experience. There is something very strong when you are able to know for yourself what you are going after because of all you have learned versus taking someone’s word for it (what does work, what doesn’t work, the type of man you should go after, what a relationship should look like, etc.) While certainly I am not advocating for flippancy or overt lack of discernment in experience and relationships, often times these times of trying and putting yourself out there are the greatest teachers.  If anything, like Thomas Edison, they teach you what doesn’t work and you are one step closer to finding something that does.

Persevere.

Until next time…

The Masks We Wear - Part 2

In the last blog I posted, I talked about the different masks that we wear as those of us who are over 30, single and in the dating world. The Mask of Cynicism was our first stop and as I thought about the other masks that I have worn in the years of my singleness, it is becoming even more evident to me that the Cynic Mask has seemingly become my actual face, with other masks being placed over top. So my new hypothesis is that none of these masks that we will talk about today (or in future blog posts) can exist without the Cynic playing it’s important role. We’ll talk about two different masks in this blog: The Victim Mask and the Mask of Shame. (P.S. This is a long one…but I promise, it’s worth the read!)

“It’s not me, it’s you” —The Victim

I’ve been told my entire life, by many (even guys that I have dated!), that I am a “great girl who deserves a great guy”. I’ve been told to keep my standards high, to not lower my expectations. I’ve been told, by well meaning friends and family, that if the guy disappeared, walked away or wasn’t interested, it was truly his loss. And while this seemed to pacify the situation a bit, and truly add some perspective, it also created a nice way of coping with being single: I could blame (even subconsciously) every break up, every failed relationship, every mistake on him since I was such a great girl and he still walked away.

Placing blame on the other person for the demise of the relationship has become a very natural thing to do. As women, when it comes to relationships, we are expert analyzers with selective vision. After the break up, we go into research-mode, dissecting every move he made, everything he said; every “what if” and possibility is brought to the table and we create a myriad of hypothetical reasons for his leaving. It’s during this search that we tell ourselves we are just looking for closure so then we can truly move on. Interestingly enough all of this reasoning has to do with finding an explanation to him and his actions; rarely do we take into account our own part in it. We see ourselves, usually, as the heroic girlfriend with unending patience and commitment who was ready to fight for the relationship in order to see if it would stand the test of time…it was him that wasn’t willing to commit, it was him who couldn’t handle communicating like an adult, it was him who would’t share his thoughts, emotions and feelings (that you obviously had to pull out of him).  We were there, waiting for him, and then he walked away. This happening to me again was just “proof” that I was too good for him, that I was way ahead of him and if he couldn’t see what he was going to miss by giving me up, then it was truly his (ignorant) loss. And I may have told myself a time or too that he would come back after he realized what he gave up.  

A sweet friend of mine (who got married much later than the cultural norm, and therefore understands what it’s like to be a bit older and single) and I were talking about the string of guys over the last couple years that I had the “pleasure” of going on dates with.  For varying reasons the one-date-wonders and relationships didn’t work, and, as mentioned previously, six of them have now disappeared from my life entirely with no warning, reason or explanation. As the conversation wore on, she humbly and ever so sweetly said “ya know, you’re a great girl and you’ve got your stuff together; so why is it that these guys keep leaving you? Is there a chance, even a slight one, that YOU’RE part of the reason?” Because I respect her a ton and we have an awesome friendship, I could hear these words and know that they were coming from a place of wanting the best for me. And the fact of the matter is, she was right…I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. 

[Side Note: Regardless of my own incorrect handling of the relationship (I am the first to say that I made mistakes, was too intense, went too fast, etc.), simply disappearing on someone with no explanation is a pretty shitty thing to do. Man or woman, if you’re gonna break up with someone, at least give that person the respect of having an ending conversation; there is much respect in being an adult!]

Now, I am all for equal responsibility in relationships. I don’t feel the need to take responsibility for guys that manipulated me into believing they wanted a relationship when really they just wanted sex. Nor do I need to take responsibility for a guy’s life stage, commitment ability (or lack-thereof)…those things are on him. And how he deals with them (appropriately or inappropriately) are on him too. 

But, if after every failed relationship (regardless of the reason for failure or the method of exit), my analytical research does not also reveal where I need to do some tweaking, then, to put it bluntly, I am living in denial. If you were to look up denial in the dictionary, there are about 8 different definitions that pop up. The last definition of denial is something to the effect of: “…a defense mechanism we use in order to keep us from seeing reality, for if we did see reality as it truly was, it would seem consciously intolerable.” Ouch. When put like that, it means that every time he walked out and I blamed it on him and analyzed his every move before the escape, there is the potential that the focus on him acts as a blinder to seeing that perhaps I might have had something to do with it. 

Failure to look at your own part in any relationship (or situation) keeps reality hidden and ultimately can lead to wearing the Victim Mask.  

Which leads to that question of “how do I take the mask off?” 

Well first of all, you’ve gotten through the hardest part! If you notice that you are wearing the Victim Mask you are no longer living in total denial. You can’t change anything that you don’t know you need to change, so congratulations! And really, the next step is in that definition of denial from above:

Be accurate and honest; take responsibility.

Again, I need to clarify that it’s not our job to take responsibility for other people’s actions that were harming to us…that’s where the accuracy part comes in. Look at the relationship and be accurate about where the responsibility lies. Be honest about how the relationship went, the roles, the responses, the communication, the emotions, the conflict, the hurt. Assign responsibility to the appropriate party, including yourself. When we choose honesty, we are no longer able to stand ignorantly by and continue placing blame on unwarranted parties without also looking at ourselves and what needs to be refined in us to make us a healthier individual.  

Not saying this is easy, but doesn’t it seem like someone who holds themselves to this standard might attract someone of the same standards? Food for thought…

Mask of Shame -“I’m not ____________ enough”

I admit, this mask could take up an entire blog, and I am confident that shame will be expounded on in further posts as shame is universal. I don’t care what your gender, ethnicity, age, relationship status, career or house looks like, we all deal with shame on a daily basis.

As I have continued to live my days, more single than not, shame takes on all sorts of different forms and faces. Shame seems to be a hot topic in our culture now. Author and researcher Brene Brown has brought this topic to the forefront of people’s minds…not because it has just recently become an epidemic, but because for too many years it has remained locked up inside each one of us, festering and growing bigger; taking over our lives and relationships and in many ways, debilitating us. 

Wearing the Mask of Shame is not an overt or highly external mask. While there have been times where I have begged others for answers to the question of “why does this keep happening to me?!?!?”, this conversation usually happens in my mind.  In bewilderment I ask bitter questions that only reinforce the desire for relationship and the empty space in my life. It’s easy here for the Cynic Mask to swoop in (again, as a defense mechanism) to try and help soothe the situation, but it usually ends up sounding a lot like shame. Unfortunately, it seems like the answers to these questions are all to commonly phrases like “…it’s because I’m not good enough”, “…because I’m not pretty enough”, “…because I’m not ___________ enough”. And we all know what it feels like to not feel ____________ enough: absolutely devastating. It’s a yucky place to be and while we surely want to get out of that pit, it almost seems too daunting to even try. All of our insecurities rise to the surface and we find ourselves sinking deeper into the muck. 

Being single, or single again, in your 30’s and beyond adds an entirely different dynamic to this mask. For me personally, as much as I have been able to settle in to who I am and, in most moments, genuinely like it, reality hits quickly when I gain 5 pounds by just looking at a cupcake, when I notice a few more gray hairs, when I spend weekend evenings alone with my boyfriend Boda (as in Boda Box…of wine…) or even when I wonder why I find it so important to make my house look nice and clean for just me. Because in this reality, that little gremlin of shame creeps up and starts to paint my reality in an even more dismal light; it goes from simply noticing where I am at/what is going on to these people/places/things/events becoming the defining factor of who I am. 

Shame makes it personal and daunting. 

In some ways I have to wonder if shame is trying to act as a protector. I know in the moments when I feel not ____________ enough, I become hell bent on doing something about it. I figure that if I can do something about this message of shame, then perhaps I can alleviate the enormous pressure. So I figure out what all it is that is not good enough and go to work…trying to numb out that nagging voice of shame. Just writing that last sentence makes me exhausted—probably because that pace of life is exhausting and I know it all too well! But this striving keeps me running; it keeps me isolated, believing that I am the only one who feels like this and it turns me on myself—I become my own worst critic. 

So then, in the context of relationships, shame finds a doorway in to our soul whenever we are engaged with someone who is emotionally unavailable, distancing themselves, leaving us, breaking up with us, treating us disrespectfully, de-valuing us, cheating on us or just, plain uncommitted to us. Shame makes it about me, shame makes me question myself and then shame isolates me. “…What is wrong with me?” continually loops through my mind.

Part of the reason for this blog is to help me and to help you take off this mask of shame. If the job of shame is to isolate us, then this blog is to band us together and to speak and hear a message that you are not alone. I am not alone. I don’t know the unique details of your story, but I do understand hurt. I understand what it’s like to feel lonely, to be sad and to be scared. I know what it’s like to feel angry for whatever place of life you are at (because it’s not where you imagined you should be). I understand how terrible and devastating it is and feels to be cheated on, abandoned, rejected and lied to. While we are each beautifully unique we are also, equally, beautifully connected on a soul level—and this is the opposite of isolation. Empathy…that soul level familiar connection we have…kills shame. 

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”  —Brene Brown