I am blessed. Truly I am. While the writing of this blog is for you, the reader, it is also very therapeutic for me and I am blessed by the response I have gotten from people who hold a special place in my heart. So shout out to all of those amazing people…you know who you are (if you are wondering if it’s you I’m talking to…it probably is!)
These people that I refer to are the ones who have consistently told me how proud they are of me. It’s taken me a minute to figure out why they are proud of me; sad for me, angry, confused…I understand that (and expected that to be the response). But proud of me was something that caught me off guard. Given the number of horror stories I could share, I have fully expected my friends to ask me to refrain from talking about the latest guy I have accepted a date from. Or I would have understood if they advised me to take a break from dating, use this time to “figure yourself out” (more about that in another blog), or even register on a religious dating site in hopes of finding a different caliber of man. Proud of me, though…
“I’m so proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there…”
When Thomas Edison was asked, after many failed attempts to successfully create the light bulb, if he ever grew discouraged or thought he was wasting his time, Edison said no, he learned something important each time he tried. He learned that there was another material not to be used:
“During all those years of experimentation and research, I never once made a discovery. All my work was deductive, and the results I achieved were those of invention, pure and simple. I would construct a theory and work on its lines until I found it was untenable. Then it would be discarded at once and another theory evolved. This was the only possible way for me to work out the problem. ... I speak without exaggeration when I say that I have constructed 10,000 different theories in connection with the electric light, each one of them reasonable and apparently likely to be true. Yet only in two cases did my experiments prove the truth of my theory.”—Thomas Edison
In a meditative reading a while back, Thomas Edison’s scientific attempts were reflected on as the author used Edison’s example to offer hope and persistence to other aspects of life, namely in relationships. Edison’s lessons are not only telling, but transferrable, especially when seeking out our calling or how we seek out love. Envisioning what we need is powerful and incredibly real but just as crucial is the confidence of spirit to know that it will work—that it’s worth it to keep trying—even if we haven't found exactly where we belong or who to love yet. Equally as vital is the perseverance in trying to find exactly what will work. It cannot be stated enough that what feels so inspiring about Thomas Edison’s journey in inventing the lightbulb is that he never viewed his non-light-producing attempts as any type of failure, but rather as his vital process of discovery. (My paraphrase from Mark Nepo, Book of Awakening).
It finally hit me why they kept saying they were proud of me. It’s because continuing to put yourself out there when you continually are getting left, abandoned, cheated on, abused, questioned, taking emotional punches...it’s tough as all get out to not sink into a place of misery, tears, cynicism and hopelessness. It can become quite difficult to not view each first date as a worthless when it doesn’t turn into a second date. It can be agonizing to become aware of additional baggage and personal hinderances that make relationships feel like all-for-naught. It can feel confusing when the only guys who seem to respond to your online dating profile are too young, too old or someone that there clearly would never be any attraction to. All of these things can feel like I have failed at relationships and love, thus enforcing a hypothesis about myself and relationships that is simply misdirected (or probably false altogether).
Obviously there have been days where I have not had such a positive outlook and it’s been easier to wonder what is wrong with me and why I keep failing rather than looking at each experience as an opportunity to grow and learn. There have been times where I have wondered if I truly do have the right to be apathetic, frustrated or exhausted; I have wondered if some of my friends’ cynicism for me (or rather my “situation”) would be better owned by me. But in moments where it is easy to slip those masks on, there seems to be an equal, and usually stronger, pull in the opposite direction that reminds me that the self awareness and life gained through this process is far from failure.
There is something very freeing in having absolute certainty in knowing what I value, what I want, what I need, what I desire and what my boundaries are from experience. There is something very strong when you are able to know for yourself what you are going after because of all you have learned versus taking someone’s word for it (what does work, what doesn’t work, the type of man you should go after, what a relationship should look like, etc.) While certainly I am not advocating for flippancy or overt lack of discernment in experience and relationships, often times these times of trying and putting yourself out there are the greatest teachers. If anything, like Thomas Edison, they teach you what doesn’t work and you are one step closer to finding something that does.
Persevere.
Until next time…
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