To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I love my job, I really do. Being a therapist is my dream job and I could never imagine doing anything else. Being a therapist has allowed me to come into contact, daily, with the rawness of humanity and has taught me how to love people in a nonjudgmental and unique way that hopefully inspires healing. In many ways, being a therapist has saved me from myself! 

But in seeing the rawness of humanity you also see the drama of humanity. 

Due to the clientele that I find myself drawn to (women who have been in or are getting out of an abusive relationship, co-dependent individuals and women in their 20’s and 30’s), I am faced, daily, with huge doses of second-hand drama. Luckily for me, I have learned how to keep drama at the office and not bring it into my personal life! That aside, as I have sat with these beautiful and special women day after day, I have noticed a trend. It seems, with no exaggeration, that for many of these women, no matter how dramatic they are, no matter how much baggage they bring into a relationship, no matter how much they say and do the absolute opposite of what they should do (the healthy thing to do), how fast they push the relationship and how much they demand from their boyfriend, they seem to always have a man by their side. And not only that, but a man who sticks with them…even when the relationship is brand new! 

I find myself asking over and over why all of these women can keep a man and I can’t???

Now, I fully admit that I have done my share of sabotaging and I have probably even made things dramatic when it really wasn’t needed. But I am aware enough of myself and work on myself enough to know that this is not my norm, I catch myself in the act and I nip it in the bud. This has not come without great effort (and many mistakes), but it’s something within myself that I am proud to have developed! And yet, I sit with these women daily who can be dramatic, irrational, overly emotional, accusatory, projecting on ‘their man’ and having inflated expectations—who are never single—and I can’t get a guy to stick around for more than a couple months. Excuse the language, but WTF???

In beginning of writing this blog I did my own form of reflective research and thought about several of the men I have dated in the past couple years and what the turning point was in the relationship that made them start to back away… While I fully acknowledge that I had a hand in many of these situations and my anxiety sometimes got the best of me, what I noticed is that whenever the relationship started to fizzle was when I had a “meltdown”. Yes, I put quotes around meltdown because when I compare my story to that of my clients, it’s a blip on the radar… My meltdowns:

1. The time that a guy I had been dating a couple months asked me if I would be ok with him going to a strip club with a friend—my response: I went waaaaaaaay inward and got very quiet and finally was able to say that it was an insecurity of mine, something about body image issues and that I would prefer that he didn’t go. A few days later was the last time I saw him. 
2. The time the guy I had been dating for a couple months long distance told me he wanted to be a white water rafting guide, meaning that by the time he was done with that gig we would have been dating nearly 9 months and seen each other less than 20 times. In this he thought he could fit me into his schedule once every couple weeks—when I asked how that was a progressing relationship, and not a hook up, he told me I expected too much and after ending the conversation he never spoke to me again.
3. The time when the guy I was dating had talked about getting together one evening after work; after him telling me he would call me when he was done eating to make plans for the night and not contacting me for 4 hours I asked him if he wouldn’t mind simply telling me the next time that it wasn’t going to work to hang out that night if he knew he didn’t want to/had other plans or something came up. After hearing about how that was too intense of a conversation for that point in the relationship and telling me that it was my problem, he slowly started to back off in communication until one day, a couple weeks later, he disappeared altogether. 
4. Oh yeah, and then the time that I asked my boyfriend of a couple months for an idea of what he thought the future would look like in terms of a timeline—this only after he had told me he loved me, he wanted to marry me, asked me how much he could spend on a ring and talked about asking my dad for permission to marry me—he said I was putting him in a box and pressuring him too much…a week later we were broken up.

Ok, stop laughing…yes, those truly were my “meltdowns” and those truly were the responses. I look back and see that there were a few things that I could have done differently in each situation. But generally speaking, my meltdowns that I had were about a .0000001 on the Richter Scale; certainly not worthy of breaking off a relationship over. Now, I am also aware enough to realize that if those “meltdowns” were the reason for a break up, there were probably other things going on—other things that it’s probably good I didn’t have to bear witness to on down the road, but still…that certainly does nothing for a girl’s confidence…and leads me to believe perhaps I should consciously be immature, dramatic, needy, clingy and have a lot of issues that need to be solved in order to keep a boyfriend. 

This trend has me absolutely befuddled and I admit, I am still grasping for reasons this happens. After enlisting the wisdom and support of one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends about this we are still completely confused but have recognized a few things…  When something happens to me, whether it be in a relationship or life in general, it seems there are two ways to go about handling about it:

The first way is to react…meaning go with my gut, say whatever comes to mind, get dramatic, yell, scream, cry, give the silent treatment, become manipulative, project, become the victim, become passive aggressive or maybe even downright aggressive! Reaction means I can do anything I want to do in order to get my point across, soothe my wounds and protect myself without necessarily taking into account how that other person might feel that is the recipient of your reaction. The goal for this situation then becomes to simply restore a sense of normal as fast as possible. As long as the other person complies with your wish as fast as possible the hope is that the situation will calm down. Unfortunately, this type of handling never seems to solve the root issue because the next time that someone does something you don’t like, the reaction is the same. As big and dramatic as this form of handling is, I can’t help but wonder if it’s preferable for a man. There is something tangible to fix. She wanted you to pick up toilet paper on the way home…run to Target and pick it up. Problem solved. As confused as that man might be in regards to what just happened, as soon as it starts, he knows exactly what to do to make it better.  Men love fixing things, so this reaction, in a weird way, speaks a language they understand. 

The second way to handle a situation is to respond. Responding to a situation means one much be must slower, reflective and understanding of what is truly going on inside of them. Responding to a situation requires that one must first go inwards and recognize the underlying emotion and message that is being triggered in the situation and then deal with that first before bringing someone else into that space. Responding to a situation means owning my response, anxiety and desire to act out of rage and spend a minute identifying what part of me has just been wounded and what is really going on and why I have the urge to get really big or hide from the situation. When I go through this process internally and with awareness I can then reach out to the person I am trying to communicate with and let them know what just happened for me and what I need from them (compassion, empathy, affirmation, support, etc.) And while at face value this seems like it should be no big deal to offer this to someone, it also requires that the other person dig deeper within themselves and tap into that same, deep place in order to offer back to you what you are asking for. It’s more than getting toilet paper from Target or making the bed the next morning. 

It seems to me that when a strong and aware woman shows a vulnerable side of her the man must also be strong and aware in order to be vulnerable himself and offer the deeper, empathetic response. But that, my friends, is hard to do. It means I might have to tap into something in myself that I don’t like. It means it’s not about being right or wrong. It means it’s actually not even about fixing something. It’s simply about being present and open, and that is much easier said than done. In fact, it’s so much easier said than done that in those moments where a deeper response is required, it feels better to give back your own reaction. 

As I reflect back on my ‘meltdown’s’ that I have had (above), I can say with certainty that each time I responded rather than reacted. Each time I have expressed my concern only after an internal process has taken place and I am able to identify where it hurts, what I need to do myself and what I might need from the other person. And each time I asked for what I needed it came after being brutally honest with myself and recognizing at the core level I had been touched. And when I think about it, it probably does seem easier to buy crunchy peanut butter instead of creamy and take the garbage out rather than empathically taking someone into consideration, acknowledging them at their deepest level and responding accordingly.

I have to be honest…I don’t know if this is why when a ‘meltdown’ occurs I find myself being phased out of someone’s life. Maybe I have really bad manners, laugh with a horses whinney or have poor hygiene. (And if that’s the case, will someone please tell me?!?) But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to stop responding. And while I am aware that this does not come naturally for people, men and women alike, if someone isn’t interested in at least trying, then perhaps he’s not my guy.

I realize I am a strong and independent women. I think that’s probably an attractive quality to men as they seek a potential partner. But more than those characteristics, I am a human. I have emotions, thoughts, experiences, wounds and desires to prove it. But this doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t make me dependent. It doesn’t (necessarily) make me dramatic, immature or irrational. It simply points to my humanity. And after having spent enough years of my life trying to hide it, deny it or conform it to someone else’s ideal and it’s not something I am interested in anymore. And to that end, if his reaction to my humanity is to walk away, I will stay true to myself and continue to respond. 

My Name is Lainey and I’m a Relationship Sabotager

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs about different masks that we wear, that I wear, when it comes to relationships. One of the masks that I focused on was “The Sabotager”. As I re-read what I wrote about that mask before I started writing this blog, I was almost in disbelief that I had written these words less than a year ago. It’s not that I didn’t believe them when I wrote them, it just feels like now, months and many experiences later, I understand these words at a level that is far deeper than I could have imagined back then.

So, to put it bluntly, I recently figured out that I sabotage relationships. And in figuring out that I do this, I almost lost out on another relationship that had a lot of great qualities. After dating a really great guy for only a couple weeks I noticed my anxiety level creeping upwards and recognized that no matter how much I tried to be nonchalant, I continued to let my mind get the best of me. On one particular night we had a minor miscommunication and while I do maintain that the consideration of communication that I was asking for was still appropriate, after a two hour conversation regarding this conflict that should never happen at that point in a relationship, something within me clicked. As the days had been passing by, I was actually preparing for him to break my heart. Though he never gave any indication that he was, in fact he continually affirmed how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked who I was, I was choosing instead to listen to past experiences and my negative internal loop instead of actually looking at reality.

Making it through that conversation and still being committed to getting to know each other left me both with a sense of relief and peace, but also some major reflection that I needed to do in regards to what my anxiety was all about, why my reaction was so inflated and really what the hell had just happened. As I sat in my chair with my coffee, a book and my journal in hand the next morning I slowly but surely came to the profound realization that as much as I desire a deep and intimate relationship, life has handed me enough experiences that often times make me less than hopeful of that happening. And as much as I hate the ending of any relationship and the depth of loneliness that it seems to leave me, I have truly become an expert at dealing with it. And if I am being honest, there is a sense of seduction in being the perpetual victim—passed over again and again by various men. 

The fact of the matter is, being in a relationship is risky. It involves vulnerability and courage and always leaves a possibility that you could get hurt. And if you have been in relationships that have ended less than amicably, it would seem that your natural reaction would be to create some sort of defense mechanism that is designed to protect you from the pain of relationships ending. 

Perhaps its pride or maybe just my own blind spot, but it was hard for me to recognize these sabotaging patterns for quite a long time.  I never had any extreme behaviors, public meltdowns, rants or overly dramatic instances that would have been, obviously, sabotaging. For me I think it was more that I went in to a relationship expecting it to end and expecting to get hurt, so I made sure that it happened in too many cases. While I never made things up or took extreme measures to sabotage a relationship, I do know that my expectations that I projected onto my potential-future-boyfriends surely did not make staying with me easy. And while there have been a few of those guys along the way where the ending of the relationship truly was all on them and NOT due to my sabotaging behaviors, I can look back now and see that there were many other relationship endings that had at least in some part to do with my own efforts to make my self-fulfilling prophecies come true. 

In my last blog I talk about the process of figuring out the way to date that most greatly reflects my desires and values. I have come to realize that in finding this balance involves looking at the pace at which a relationship develops and in focusing on this I have realized this is the area that I am prone to sabotage a relationship. Prior to the last few months I had gotten used to relationships starting (and ending) quickly. Within days we were spending every day together, communicating all day and even having conversations discussing our futures together. But 6-8 weeks in, things fizzled out and I was left again by myself on a Friday night. 

With this as a pattern beginning to become ingrained in my mind, you can imagine that a few weeks into a relationship triggers my body and mind into an automatic panic response. I’ve been through it so many times it seems that my body naturally begins to believe the end is near and sometimes even forces the end of the relationship through various means. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and uncertainty when, a few weeks into our relationship we had only gone on a handful of dates, texted sporadically and talked on the phone when our schedules allowed. Though I was told this was normal dating, it was so far from my traditional experiences that it became difficult to know how to handle it in a mature way. So I began doing the only thing I knew how to do: sabotage the relationship. I took something small and allowed it to be made into a much bigger deal than I needed to make it and prepared myself for him to end it with me that night. But he didn’t. And I admit, I had no clue how to handle it. Yet, something was very right. Call it super natural patience, grace or whatever, he calmly identified the ways that he made it clear, several times each day, that he was interested in me and wanting to pursue a relationship with me. And after explaining it, he stuck around. And he was there the next day. And the day after that. 

For me that was, what a therapist would call, an emotionally corrective experience. Throughout my entire life I have been told that I am too much to handle and that I need to find someone who will ‘put up with me’. I suppose many times I have created situations in which I have become too much to handle and basically fulfilled that prophecy in my life. For many years I prayed for a man that COULD handle the intensity of me, one that wouldn’t walk away the first sign of trouble. It took me a while to believe for myself that I wasn’t too much to handle and that the people who told me that repeatedly were wrong, but to have someone stand in front of you and reflect back the opposite of that cognitive distortion, stick around and remind me over and over what he likes about me, provides a healing experience that acts as a loudspeaker over those negative messages. 

In the days following that instance I have caught myself daily, naturally turning towards sabotaging actions when my anxiety arises. I do wish they would go away and that my gut reaction would be one of peace and presence, but I do think that the next best thing is being able to observe myself and choose how to act in a different way. So now, though the pattern is new, I am proud to say that I have started developing a new pattern: not sabotaging a relationship. And in that I have come, face to face, on a brand new level with both the risk and reward that is involved in a relationship. Not sabotaging means I don’t get to control the situation in an effort to protect myself.  Not sabotaging means that I get to be present in the relationship. Not sabotaging allows love to enter in. 

[Author’s Note: This blog was written a little over a month  prior to being posted so lest you get your hopes up that perhaps I am dating someone, no worries, this one also disappeared a couple weeks later! However, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, they were much needed. Additionally, it’s great to know that there truly was nothing that I could have done differently, his disappearance was on his own accordance; stay tuned for the next blog for my theories on this phenomenon!]

The Right Way to Date

The last relationship I was in that had a serious tone to it, in some ways was a ‘book end’ for me. …The end of a long list of men that I dated who’s purpose in my life seemed to be preparing me for the future. I look back now and can see that each of those relationships helped me grow stronger, face myself and continue healing. I watched as moments that would cause me great anxiety in relationships after my abusive relationship, slowly subsided and I was able to nurture my own fears. The frantic ‘not knowing’ that is present in so many relationships that would cause severe panic and desperation started to become patience and a loosening of control that allowed me to enjoy each moment. But I came to realize that even though I was learning some great lessons, it was exhausting! So, after the last serious-type relationship, I decided I needed a break from dating.  

It hasn’t been until recently that I have found the energy and motivation to get back out there.  And what I am coming to realize is that I have a fairly jacked up view of what dating is supposed to look like…or even how to date. 

Now, before I go on record saying that there is one right way to go about dating, I want to clarify and say that there isn’t. And in some ways, that’s part of the problem.  I grew up believing that there was one specific and Godly way to date. But it wasn’t really dating either. It was this weird conglomeration of beliefs and values taught by the Church that culminated in an overarching persuasion that prior to even going out on the first date with someone, you had to have an almost certain knowledge of if you were going to marry that person or not. (Yes, you heard me correctly…BEFORE the first date). To this end, my job as a woman was to wait patiently for a man to see me and pursue me. In many ways I did not have a choice over who I would have an opportunity to date. Pursuit of a man in any way, even conversation, was considered overstepping my role as a woman and likely manipulative. (I was told by many men that my friendly personality towards everyone was overly flirtatious, lacking submission, disrespectful and manipulative.) In this way of dating, if a man should see me as someone he would want to pursue with the intent of marriage it would be wise for me to accept, especially as I got older. Even if I was not especially attracted to him or envisioned myself with a different type of man, I was told to question myself for selfish motives and shallow or superficial expectations. 

Dating in this realm was very calculated and prescribed. There was a neat list of rules to abide by and a pattern to follow that, if subscribed to, would supposedly lead to a beautiful, pure, Godly marriage—one with few problems and much bliss and ease as this was the way God had designed it. 

Needless to say, I think my personality did not lend well to this mentality no matter how hard I tried to fit into it. And because I was ok having men as friends and thoroughly enjoyed those relationships, I was considered dangerous to some. (Mind you these friendships with men were not “friends with benefits”…I didn’t even kiss a guy, let alone anything else, until my very late 20’s. So we’re talking platonic friendships!)

Coming out of that ‘era’, while needed, was also a source of much confusion. I felt like a stereotypical pastors kid…the kid who rebels once she goes off to college because she is finally no longer under the watchful eye of her parents, the church and the community. While my intent was not necessarily to rebel, the only thing I could think of in my mind was to do the exact opposite of anything that resembled the old version of dating. In many ways doing the opposite came from a place of total innocence. And in that, I naturally swung to the other side of the spectrum. 

While swinging to the other side of the spectrum never took on a sense of extremity, it was definitely a different way of living than the previous years. Dating was no longer about pursuing marriage but rather just having fun, sometimes drinking too much and on occasion, waking up next to someone I knew very little of. Definitely not some of my proudest moments and yet, still incredibly important to experience. All the things that I was supposed to already know before going on a date with someone (e.g. "is this someone I could marry?") flew out the window. Needing a relationship to follow a detailed and specific pattern (and timeline) no longer was the norm. Having to tell someone 'older and wiser' every action and thought that I had/did, all the while being judged, no longer resembled the flavor of my life. In a sense, I was experiencing freedom.

But even freedom can be scary. Freedom in excess, with no boundaries, with no values, with no sure ground to stand on can actually feel like another form of 'slavery'. While I did not have anyone telling me what I could and could not do, I was basically setting myself up to have shallow relationships, get my heart broken and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. Everything about that lifestyle is in the moment, instant gratification, delayed consequences, act now and think later--all things to me that seem to be appealing for the short term but exhausting, confusing and devastating in the long run.

At some point I began to figure out that neither side was great to camp out at and while there seems to be a few beneficial things to 'take' from each side of the spectrum, generally it leaves a person floundering a bit trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship. If a relationship isn't about a formula, repression and rules but it also isn't about instant gratification, excess and moving from person to person, then what is it?

It took me a while to understand the appeal of camping out at one side of the spectrum (or the other) and why it felt so foreign to find some sort of a working balance. Either side of the spectrum essentially requires no thought. One the one side you have someone dictating your every move, every thought and every relationship. There is a very clear cut way regarding what you can and cannot do and as long as you stick to it and don't question it, you're good. At the very least, you don't have to think because someone else has prescribed it for you. 

On the other side of the spectrum you also don't think because it's all about acting without thought. While there are no rules to dictate your next move, the absence of rules means that thinking is scary, so you do whatever comes naturally, instantly and with the most pleasure and gratification. Everything goes, nothing is off limits; every thought, desires and action is valid and worthy of gratification. Again, it's a side that involves no thought. 

My quest for understanding what dating should look like (not in terms of right way/wrong way but rather the best fit for me) seems to land in this area of balance...somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. It's a place that involves a lot of thought and honest reflection and awareness--not something that most people are interested in. It means actually pausing and understanding what it is that you want, desire, need, value, prefer, get anxious by, what triggers you, your baggage...and making sure that the way you do relationships is coming from the highest value of who you are versus how various groups of people dictate it to you. Being on either side of the spectrum offers an amount of safety. If someone else is dictating what life and relationships need to look like instead of you having to think for yourself, you never truly need to pause and wonder if this is best. The land of balance includes intentionality and thought as well as honesty and humility. 

That balance is what I am still working on. I've spent many hours thinking, processing and journaling about what I want a relationship should look like that mirrors neither side of the spectrum exclusively. And while things are starting to come together on paper, transferring that now onto the dating field poses a totally different adventure. It's kinda like the concept of only being able to read about how to fix a car for so long before you actually have to go out and try it. Same with dating, boundaries, values, relationships and balance. It's great to take a break and figure things out, figure out what I want, but at some point I have to actually get back out there and do it. That's the point that I am at now. 

So, here I am, the other side of a few months long break from dating and it's time to put my money where my mouth is. It's not easy though! If the date isn't required to end in marriage or a one night stand, is it ok to only know that I like him enough to go on a second date? If it's not about having to follow a specific job description of a Biblical Woman, is it ok to initiate communication? And if so, how much? And how much communication should I expect from him? How many dates do I need to go on with someone before I feel ok to kiss them, or talk about deeper things or invite them over to my house (or go to theirs)? If I am not required to keep my parents and all those who are older and wiser than me in the loop, who do I actually tell that I am dating someone and at what point? These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.

I have to admit even though not having the answers immediately can be frustrating, having the space to ask questions is quite freeing. Asking questions and being able to think through the answers means that I am not subjected to any one person or one idea of how a relationship is supposed to go. In some ways it's very fluid and can be tailored to fit a specific relationship while at the same time stable enough to rest on a strong foundation of my personal values and beliefs. And while this land of balance certainly does not offer immediate answers, I can't help but wonder if part of the gift of asking questions and searching is the opportunity to have a relationship that is a reflection of me. 

I'll Be Your Tinderella

I have finally succumbed to the pressure. Well, kind of. Ok, no one was pressuring me. I did it because I wanted to feel better about myself one night. I joined Tinder.

A few months ago I was broken up with someone for what I would consider fairly shallow reasons. The short of it is he preferred a size 2, large breasted, super model-ish woman as compared to my average size, decent looks (I mean, I don’t think I need to wear a bag over my head), small chest and large(r)…well…bedonkadonk (something which, I might add, has never been a problem in previous relationships nor am I looking to change!) The process of coming to terms with that is in another blog but one of the ways of dealing with the aftermath was joining Tinder. 

(For those of you who don’t know what Tinder is, it’s a free app for your phone in which you can potentially interact with people. If you like the way they look and what they choose to say in their 200 character profile, swipe right. If not, swipe left. If that person swipes right too, you can chat via their version of text messaging. The app allows you to come in contact with other users of the app within a 50 mile radius of your locale which means wherever you are there is a chance to meet someone!)

So, on a night that I just wanted to feel good about myself and see if other people found me attractive, I joined Tinder. Essentially I was in the drivers seat and was able to “swipe away” those I wasn’t attracted to (without the chance of really hurting their feelings) and was encouraged when someone I found attractive also found me attractive. I know, I know, perhaps not the best way of dealing with things, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I developed a love/hate relationship with the app and go in spurts of checking it or not. On the one hand there is an allure to the potential dates and people who you might not normally run into. On the other hand, the amount of potential dates can be intimidating, not to mention the stereotype that goes along with a free dating app—that most people are on it for sexual encounters exclusively. (The following screenshot of a message would be a great example! …his messages are in gray, mine are in blue…)

So that got me thinking; I have started to notice a few trends as of late as I have delved into the world of Tinder and it has opened my eyes even more to our modern culture of dating. 

1. There is a hustle to dating - people are in and out quick
2. Dating is like a buffet
3. There is no typical dating etiquette
4. People are bolder behind a phone screen than in real life
5. It’s consuming and overwhelming
6. …and yet oddly satisfying

Let me explain…

• Finding a date nowadays seems to be tailored for someone with Adult ADD or ADHD. It’s fast paced and if you take too long to respond to a request you are either ignored eternally or responded to with a snarky comment. As a general rule I have been trying to not be so attached to my phone, which means that many times I don’t even know where it is. A few weeks back I received a message from a guy who I had been communicating with in which he gave me his phone number and asked to communicate via text (which I actually would not have been opposed to). A couple hours later when I checked my phone, he had already written another message back with a passive aggressive statement regarding me not contacting him (which you can be sure was enough red flag to indeed NOT contact him). I began paying attention to how fast someone would lose interest in me—if I responded immediately to a message the interest was maintained. If, for whatever reason, I did not respond immediately it was far more likely that I would never hear back from that person. 

• Dating is like a buffet. It’s hard to concentrate on just one person, nor do you need to concentrate on just one person, when there are 15 more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes who are filling our inbox with messages. I used to get really mad about this and yet I find myself doing it from time to time too. Having this many options allows one to create in their mind a standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist in any one person. This person’s smile, another person’s build, another person’s zest for life combined with another person’s nurturing spirit; someone who is partying every weekend and another who takes life and responsibility seriously.  There is no need to get serious about any one person when there are always more on standby for when something doesn’t work out. In fact, that thought actually perpetuates things NOT working out. The thought of “is there someone better out there” plagues even the best of us who value commitment, fidelity and loyalty; it’s hard to resist when it’s just a click away!

• Ever since I was a teen I knew very well of the unspoken rule that if someone calls you/texts you after 10:00 at night it’s a booty call. And lest you want to be perceived as someone who is looking for that, you maintain communication during the non-booty-call-hours of 8:00am—10:00pm. However, it is not abnormal to wake up to several messages from several different guys that were written only a couple hours before I woke up in the morning. Not only is my first thought questioning what their intentions are, but I can’t help but wonder how someone who advertises himself as an attorney can stay up until three or four o’clock in the morning every night and still be at the office by 8. The expectation is that we are online all the time which means that it’s not so uncommon to stay up until the wee hours of the morning texting back and forth with a perfect stranger—all starting off as innocent conversation and quickly moving to things that you would not want your momma to see!

• The concept of being bolder behind the screen (phone, computer, iPad, etc.) is getting a lot of buzz as of late, typically in regards to teens and young adults. However, the same is true for people in their 30’s and 40’s. When someone asks me to meet them for sex (see the above text), I can’t help but wonder if they were in front of me would that truly be the first thing out of their mouth? Maybe I am naive, but it would seem that the chances are much slimmer. Having the barrier of a screen seems to allow people to un-filter, say whatever they want and not truly see or feel the consequences of their words and actions. This of course only leads to objectification. If someone feels it appropriate to ask people for inappropriate things (e.g. sexually) it is probably safe to assume they are also not seeing the other person as having a heart, soul, emotions and a mind. And if we want to go down that road, this seems like a perfect recipe for breeding sociopaths (…I’ll refrain from getting on that soapbox!)

• Online dating can be absolutely consuming and overwhelming. It’s pretty much a full time job! The other night I realized that my settings on the app were not reflecting the true age range of people that I was looking to meet. After increasing the age not only was I faced with endless options, I also woke up the next morning (a mere six hours after shutting my phone off the previous night) with 15 notifications of new matches and messages. That’s 15 potential relationships, 15 conversations to keep straight (not to mention the handful of other guys that I was already communicating with) and 15 responses to the typical get-to-know-you questions. By 10:00 that next morning I had received 6 invitations to go out that night which then led to the task of politely declining them…all.  Before I knew it, my morning that was going to be used for catching up on housework was gone as I had just spent more hours than I would like to admit communicating with potential dates. The exhausting part comes in knowing that the likelihood that it will happen again tomorrow is pretty great. Talk about overwhelming…

• …and yet, it’s oddly satisfying. I can’t deny the fact that looking at my phone with invitations to get to know me, take me out and compliments about my profile and pictures aren’t something I like. I do. Who doesn’t? As overwhelming as it is to wake up to those messages, it kind of makes me feel good to know that someone (or 15 someones) wants me. Sitting at home by myself on a Friday night doesn’t seem as bad or lonely when I know there were at least options to go out and the choice I made was what kept me in. Being able to jump online in a moment of desperate loneliness and try to find connection (no matter how shallow it might be) has a certain appeal!

And that last trend…well, that’s the trend that makes the other trends bearable. It’s the trend that speaks to our deep need for connection and relationship. It’s the trend that keeps us hopeful despite all the less than appropriate encounters. It’s the trend that keeps us from deleting the app. It’s the trend that keeps us swiping right. 

That last trend speaks so deeply to my human need for intimacy—to be seen, known and loved by another. It’s truly a basic need just as food, water and shelter are. And it makes sense since so many of us go after it as if our lives depended on it. Though the trends in how we go about finding love and what the appropriate or inappropriate ways are to do so vary from year to year and generation to generation, the fact remains that we do it because we believe in the possibility of love. 

What these trends have taught me is to develop a thick skin and an uncanny weeding system. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am going to receive messages from people that make my skin crawl. I am going to be rejected because I don’t text a stranger after 10:00pm. I will get no response from someone whom I don’t respond to in a timely (30 second) manner. And while I could let these things deeply discourage me on this quest and even give me a ‘right’ to live with an edge of cynicism, it can also propel me in hope knowing that with each missed connection I am, perhaps, one step closer to a great connection. Though I do not like the current dating trends I choose, day after day, week after week and month after month, to do it. I choose to do the hard thing and keep putting myself out there. I do it for something bigger than me. I do it for love. I do it because maybe, just maybe, the shoe will fit and I will be someone’s Tinderella.  

#therapistorgasm

Several months ago I sat in a coffee shop with one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends discussing dates, men in general and our own philosophy of dating. It had become apparent to both of us that there was this blessing and curse with being someone who was pursuing self-awareness and it showed up the most in the relationships we had with potential suitors. Like I said in my blog about self-awarenes, when someone who is not pursuing whole living bumps into someone who is, after the initial "high" wears off, they are faced with a choice of dealing with their own lives or running away. Too often they choose to run away. And while it can be easy for people to silver-line the situation... "at least you got out while you could!", it doesn't always take away from the hurt and confusion that is left. 

So, as we sat in that coffee shop, a new conclusion was come to. Essentially, a new standard for men who wanted to date us was that they needed to at some point have gone to therapy or done some other sort of self-work. Nice thought, right? The premise was that we wanted to be with men who had a recognition of who they were, appreciated life experience and what they could learn from it and actively tapped into deeper, emotional parts of themselves rather than remaining on the surface and bolting whenever life got hard. 

Perhaps it was my cynical mask coming out, but even though I agreed with what we were talking about, I highly doubted that it was actually going to happen. To meet someone who pursued knowledge of self with a passion or motivation similar to my own seemed very far fetched. So, I continued my dating buffet with little hope. 

Fast forward a few weeks later to accepting a date with someone I had met online. We had exchanged a handful of fun e-mails and he seemed to be someone that would at least be enjoyable. So, when he asked me out, I accepted without hesitancy but figured that this would be another "one-date-wonder" (can you sense my cynicism?!?) We met at a local establishment for drinks and began engaging in the normal first-date pleasantries; though I was a bit standoff-ish (which is pretty typical for me just judging off of past experience), he was nice enough and at the very least, he asked great questions. The conversation was really great and before long we were discussing topics not usually characteristic of a first, or even fourth, date. I didn't mind though. It was good conversation and I think that's all I might have been looking for that night. 

A couple hours into our date he shared with me a pivotal experience in his life and as he talked he started using words like sadness, guilt, shame, self-awareness, process... You can guess that my ears really perked up at that point. Though still skeptical, I was now very intrigued. The conversation evolved from there with many mentions of words/concepts that are a breath of fresh air to a therapist. I left that date having a stern conversation with that cynical part (mask) of mine, letting it know that it could take a vacation and feeling genuinely excited for the first time in a while.  At the very least seemed to be hope!

As I went to bed that night, reflecting on the date, I couldn't help but giggle at the term that I came up with to describe the date:

#therapistorgasm 

If an orgasm is the pinnacle of bliss in a sexual experience, then hearing a man discuss emotions and his story with honesty and clarity is most certainly a therapist orgasm!

Though we dated for several weeks thereafter, a long term relationship with this man was not in the cards for me for other reasons. That aside, I truly believe this relationship served as a reminder that the things my friend and I had discussed in the coffee shop that day were not only important but there were actually men that possessed these qualities. It was a reminder and affirmation that what I was looking for wasn't so unreasonable. 

For me, so many times I find myself being discouraged or doubting myself for the things that I desire in a man and relationship. I have done a lot of work around my standards and "expectations" in a relationship and feel like I have come to a really great resting point in regards to what I am looking for. But I have many moments in a given day or week or month where I wonder if what I am desiring is truly out there or if I have created an unrealistic ideal that no man can match up to. I'm not asking for a man who cries daily, rather a man who understand the value of emotion and can tap into his own when appropriate. I'm not desiring a man who constantly dwells on his past, rather a man who understands that his past is a part of him and can take from that what he needs in order to be more present. I'm not wishing for a man who initiates intensity and enormous depth in every single conversation that we have but rather a man who is not afraid of engaging in deep conversation when appropriate and can even initiate them from time to time. I'm not looking for a man who tries to get to know everything about me on the first date but someone who's interest is piqued in me and looks forward to (and pursues) getting to know me more each time we are together. 

If I were my own therapist; if I were my own my client, I would probably say that this is sounds like an appropriate list of things to be looking for in a man and that it's ok to not only want these but look for these things. Sometimes I need to pretend I am my own therapist...daily! 

In fleshing out these things that I am looking for and reflecting back on the brief relationship with this man, I can honestly say that my cynical mask feels a little bit less heavy and a little bit more differentiated from my true self.  And while any ending of a relationship is not usually the easiest thing ever, I do think that there is much to be said for looking at different relationships that we have engaged in (romantic and non-romantic alike) and allow ourselves to take from those relationships what we want in order to point us more towards what we need. 

I guess my new standard for men is that they need to give me a #therapistorgasm 

Until next time...