The Bachelorette, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Me (...and You)

Do you know what I have been doing for the last 24 hours in my spare moments? Trying to figure out how on earth I could find any redeeming moments from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette…even a resemblance of a redeeming moment would have been good. To be clear, there were a couple of respectable moments in which trust was built, people were honest and authentic and people having others’ best interests at heart, but outside of those rare little gems, it was another one of those “what did I just watch?” type episodes. I love me some good train wreck moments and drama but this is nearly overwhelming!

So, as I was thinking through what could be redeemable and applicable to write about I kept coming back to one of my favorite movies, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I probably shouldn’t share this with you but when the movie came out I saw it a couple times in the theater and then watched it every day for several days in a row when it came out on DVD. (I think I had a problem…) If you haven’t seen the movie it’s about 2 characters who, for work purposes, end up dating each other as a dare (unbeknownst to the other)—Ben’s goal was to try to get Andi to fall in love with him; Andi’s goal is to start dating a guy and, using all of the stereotypical and cliche female behaviors that tend to turn guys off, see if she could lose him in 10 days. And you can imagine what ensues:

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In some ways this movie is not too far off from the Bachelorette. Relationships that happen quickly, people's lives intertwined in a remarkably fast amount of time, a flood of emotions and the contestants playing the role of both Ben and Andi--trying to make the Lead fall in love with them while simultaneously (at time) pushing them away with their franticness to be seen as "husband material" or "wife material". (What is that anyways?!?) The one thing that we can count on is…you guessed it, drama. And sometimes this doesn’t feel too far from our lives as well; playing the dating game is this mixture of playing hard to get, putting yourself out there, a roller coaster of emotions, hypersensitivity and walls. In the movie, on the Bachelorette and in real life I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not intentionally or not, brought drama into the relationship. Sometimes it feeds our need for reassurance, sometimes it shows us the commitment level of the other person; sometimes we even do it to see if that other person can handle the good, bad and ugly that we inevitably bring to the table. 

Since Ben and Andi (in the movie) have 10 days to try and make this work, they often rush emotions, avoid important conversations and get too deep too quickly. They talk about the future, kids and even meet family within a week of getting to know each other. 

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Sound familiar? This is the literal description of the Bachelor/ette! People frantically trying to secure their spot with the Lead by putting themselves out there and sharing insane (and typically inappropriate) information about themselves in order to appeal to the person handing out the roses. Within mere weeks of meeting each other the Bachelorette must pick four men who's families she would like to meet. Serious conversations are had about what their future would look like together, if they want kids, where they would live and many other topics that, in my personal opinion, seem to be a bit hastily discussed, especially when the lead is still dating several other men at the same time! But really, haven’t you and I ever done this? I’ve talked before about earning the right to hear my story in a previous blog. Sadly, those conclusions I [finally] came to were born out of significant trial and error, most of it due to believing that if I could share enough of my story to this other person then perhaps they would see the real me, understand me and ultimately fall in love with me. While there were many times that the reason I shared so much of my story was because someone asked, their mere asking did not mean they needed to hear intimate details of my life. The fact of the matter is, too much too soon typically tends to overwhelm the other person (or you, if you’re on the receiving end) and before you know it, they’re gone!

Much of the drama around this season of the Bachelorette has been in regards to Kaitlyn’s personal choices and values around sex. We are all well aware by now that Kaitlyn was sexually intimate with one of the contestants, Nick, prior to the Fantasy Suite dates (where of course it is simply expected that the Bachelor/ette will sleep with each of the remaining three). For Ben and Andi on the movie it was on day three or four of knowing each other. In the case of Ben and Andi, sex was appealing thing to engage in to avoid a tough conversation. In the world of the Bachelorette sex is, for the most part, expected when you get to a certain point (Fantasy Suites) regardless of the actual time you have spent with someone (never mind this time being spent on camera where I would imagine it would be difficult to truly get to know each other since there is the underlying notion that any or all of it could be shared with a national audience!)

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My point is definitely not to throw judgement or my own sexual ethics and values out and say there is a certain way things need to be done. However, evidenced by the conversation Kaitlyn and Shawn had and the verbal brawl between Nick and Shawn over this same subject (of course, To Be Continued for next week…ugh…) it may be that delving into that area of a relationship too quickly (again, this can be subjective to each person) creates circumstances that are difficult to recover from. I mean heck, Ben and Andi were in couples therapy two days after they attempted being sexually involved with one another! Personally I have experiences of dating at both ends of the spectrum. Over a decade ago, for me, relationships looked a very specific way with a prescribed set of rules on how the relationship should go, including strict rules regarding physicality in a relationship (anything more than hand holding or a kiss on the cheek was frowned upon--certainly sex before marriage was considered to be a grave sin that one could likely never recover from). Entering the dating world again after leaving that culture behind opened my eyes to a completely different way of dating with completely different rules. For starters, there are no rules. Secondly, I learned that most people considered it incredibly normal and important to have sex by the 2nd or 3rd date. This is a far cry from the culture I grew up in! People say this is to see if there really is sexual compatibility and chemistry (which I agree are very important!) but it is devoid of an emotional connection and significant time spent together. In my experiences (including hearing stories of other people), generally rushing into sex within a few days or a week of getting to know someone tends to be, like Ben and Andi and the Bachelorette, difficult to recover from. 

One of my favorite parts of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, is the scene towards the end where Ben and Andi have a ‘musical snack’ for the crowd at a gala for Ben’s company. Of course by this point the truth has come out regarding both Ben and Andi’s true intention (despite the fact that, in true rom-com form, they are actually starting to fall for each other). Since they are so mad at each other their musical number is changed into singing to each other while sarcastically bashing one another. 

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I mean, if this isn't the theme of this dramatic season, then I don’t know what is! Besides the conversations surrounding Kaitlyn’s sexual activity, a major theme of the show has been guys backstabbing each other, guys complaining to Kaitlyn about other guys, guys telling Kaitlyn very disrespectful things about her and other guys actually encouraging guys to say those atrocious comments to Kaitlyn in the spirit of “letting her know how you truly feel” (I’m looking at you Nick Viall…). Usually this has happened when a guy has sensed that he was on his way out anyways—the floodgates opened as they had nothing to lose and it left Kaitlyn and many others scratching their heads in confusion. Though I have already addressed this  concept in a previous blog, it seems to be affirmed as true the further we get into this season. When Ben and Andi sang to each other it was an attempt to out the other person, share dirty laundry and have the last word in order to come out on top--fearing they would be devastated otherwise. Sadly there have been times where I knew a relationship was sinking quickly I said very mean things (usually packaged in a passive-aggressive manner) in order to save face. Unfortunately I have also been in the seat, many times, of having those mean things said to me by the other person in the relationship who is trying to save his face. Essentially the cliffhanger on this most recent episode was two guys verbally battling it out in order to make themselves look better and hopefully secure a long lasting relationship with Kaitlyn. It's human nature to want to protect ourselves if we feel threatened or in danger (even if it's not physical danger) we see it with Kaitlyn and her guys, Ben and Andi, and I see it in myself. Maybe you do too...?

I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie this all up and send you off with something profound to reflect on (of course, I never actually assume that!) In truth this episode seemed a bit dark and heavy and perhaps this is my attempt at bringing lightheartedness to some very awkward situations that can touch our lives as well. And maybe that’s what we all needed—at least it lets us catch our breath! Nevertheless…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I love my job, I really do. Being a therapist is my dream job and I could never imagine doing anything else. Being a therapist has allowed me to come into contact, daily, with the rawness of humanity and has taught me how to love people in a nonjudgmental and unique way that hopefully inspires healing. In many ways, being a therapist has saved me from myself! 

But in seeing the rawness of humanity you also see the drama of humanity. 

Due to the clientele that I find myself drawn to (women who have been in or are getting out of an abusive relationship, co-dependent individuals and women in their 20’s and 30’s), I am faced, daily, with huge doses of second-hand drama. Luckily for me, I have learned how to keep drama at the office and not bring it into my personal life! That aside, as I have sat with these beautiful and special women day after day, I have noticed a trend. It seems, with no exaggeration, that for many of these women, no matter how dramatic they are, no matter how much baggage they bring into a relationship, no matter how much they say and do the absolute opposite of what they should do (the healthy thing to do), how fast they push the relationship and how much they demand from their boyfriend, they seem to always have a man by their side. And not only that, but a man who sticks with them…even when the relationship is brand new! 

I find myself asking over and over why all of these women can keep a man and I can’t???

Now, I fully admit that I have done my share of sabotaging and I have probably even made things dramatic when it really wasn’t needed. But I am aware enough of myself and work on myself enough to know that this is not my norm, I catch myself in the act and I nip it in the bud. This has not come without great effort (and many mistakes), but it’s something within myself that I am proud to have developed! And yet, I sit with these women daily who can be dramatic, irrational, overly emotional, accusatory, projecting on ‘their man’ and having inflated expectations—who are never single—and I can’t get a guy to stick around for more than a couple months. Excuse the language, but WTF???

In beginning of writing this blog I did my own form of reflective research and thought about several of the men I have dated in the past couple years and what the turning point was in the relationship that made them start to back away… While I fully acknowledge that I had a hand in many of these situations and my anxiety sometimes got the best of me, what I noticed is that whenever the relationship started to fizzle was when I had a “meltdown”. Yes, I put quotes around meltdown because when I compare my story to that of my clients, it’s a blip on the radar… My meltdowns:

1. The time that a guy I had been dating a couple months asked me if I would be ok with him going to a strip club with a friend—my response: I went waaaaaaaay inward and got very quiet and finally was able to say that it was an insecurity of mine, something about body image issues and that I would prefer that he didn’t go. A few days later was the last time I saw him. 
2. The time the guy I had been dating for a couple months long distance told me he wanted to be a white water rafting guide, meaning that by the time he was done with that gig we would have been dating nearly 9 months and seen each other less than 20 times. In this he thought he could fit me into his schedule once every couple weeks—when I asked how that was a progressing relationship, and not a hook up, he told me I expected too much and after ending the conversation he never spoke to me again.
3. The time when the guy I was dating had talked about getting together one evening after work; after him telling me he would call me when he was done eating to make plans for the night and not contacting me for 4 hours I asked him if he wouldn’t mind simply telling me the next time that it wasn’t going to work to hang out that night if he knew he didn’t want to/had other plans or something came up. After hearing about how that was too intense of a conversation for that point in the relationship and telling me that it was my problem, he slowly started to back off in communication until one day, a couple weeks later, he disappeared altogether. 
4. Oh yeah, and then the time that I asked my boyfriend of a couple months for an idea of what he thought the future would look like in terms of a timeline—this only after he had told me he loved me, he wanted to marry me, asked me how much he could spend on a ring and talked about asking my dad for permission to marry me—he said I was putting him in a box and pressuring him too much…a week later we were broken up.

Ok, stop laughing…yes, those truly were my “meltdowns” and those truly were the responses. I look back and see that there were a few things that I could have done differently in each situation. But generally speaking, my meltdowns that I had were about a .0000001 on the Richter Scale; certainly not worthy of breaking off a relationship over. Now, I am also aware enough to realize that if those “meltdowns” were the reason for a break up, there were probably other things going on—other things that it’s probably good I didn’t have to bear witness to on down the road, but still…that certainly does nothing for a girl’s confidence…and leads me to believe perhaps I should consciously be immature, dramatic, needy, clingy and have a lot of issues that need to be solved in order to keep a boyfriend. 

This trend has me absolutely befuddled and I admit, I am still grasping for reasons this happens. After enlisting the wisdom and support of one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends about this we are still completely confused but have recognized a few things…  When something happens to me, whether it be in a relationship or life in general, it seems there are two ways to go about handling about it:

The first way is to react…meaning go with my gut, say whatever comes to mind, get dramatic, yell, scream, cry, give the silent treatment, become manipulative, project, become the victim, become passive aggressive or maybe even downright aggressive! Reaction means I can do anything I want to do in order to get my point across, soothe my wounds and protect myself without necessarily taking into account how that other person might feel that is the recipient of your reaction. The goal for this situation then becomes to simply restore a sense of normal as fast as possible. As long as the other person complies with your wish as fast as possible the hope is that the situation will calm down. Unfortunately, this type of handling never seems to solve the root issue because the next time that someone does something you don’t like, the reaction is the same. As big and dramatic as this form of handling is, I can’t help but wonder if it’s preferable for a man. There is something tangible to fix. She wanted you to pick up toilet paper on the way home…run to Target and pick it up. Problem solved. As confused as that man might be in regards to what just happened, as soon as it starts, he knows exactly what to do to make it better.  Men love fixing things, so this reaction, in a weird way, speaks a language they understand. 

The second way to handle a situation is to respond. Responding to a situation means one much be must slower, reflective and understanding of what is truly going on inside of them. Responding to a situation requires that one must first go inwards and recognize the underlying emotion and message that is being triggered in the situation and then deal with that first before bringing someone else into that space. Responding to a situation means owning my response, anxiety and desire to act out of rage and spend a minute identifying what part of me has just been wounded and what is really going on and why I have the urge to get really big or hide from the situation. When I go through this process internally and with awareness I can then reach out to the person I am trying to communicate with and let them know what just happened for me and what I need from them (compassion, empathy, affirmation, support, etc.) And while at face value this seems like it should be no big deal to offer this to someone, it also requires that the other person dig deeper within themselves and tap into that same, deep place in order to offer back to you what you are asking for. It’s more than getting toilet paper from Target or making the bed the next morning. 

It seems to me that when a strong and aware woman shows a vulnerable side of her the man must also be strong and aware in order to be vulnerable himself and offer the deeper, empathetic response. But that, my friends, is hard to do. It means I might have to tap into something in myself that I don’t like. It means it’s not about being right or wrong. It means it’s actually not even about fixing something. It’s simply about being present and open, and that is much easier said than done. In fact, it’s so much easier said than done that in those moments where a deeper response is required, it feels better to give back your own reaction. 

As I reflect back on my ‘meltdown’s’ that I have had (above), I can say with certainty that each time I responded rather than reacted. Each time I have expressed my concern only after an internal process has taken place and I am able to identify where it hurts, what I need to do myself and what I might need from the other person. And each time I asked for what I needed it came after being brutally honest with myself and recognizing at the core level I had been touched. And when I think about it, it probably does seem easier to buy crunchy peanut butter instead of creamy and take the garbage out rather than empathically taking someone into consideration, acknowledging them at their deepest level and responding accordingly.

I have to be honest…I don’t know if this is why when a ‘meltdown’ occurs I find myself being phased out of someone’s life. Maybe I have really bad manners, laugh with a horses whinney or have poor hygiene. (And if that’s the case, will someone please tell me?!?) But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to stop responding. And while I am aware that this does not come naturally for people, men and women alike, if someone isn’t interested in at least trying, then perhaps he’s not my guy.

I realize I am a strong and independent women. I think that’s probably an attractive quality to men as they seek a potential partner. But more than those characteristics, I am a human. I have emotions, thoughts, experiences, wounds and desires to prove it. But this doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t make me dependent. It doesn’t (necessarily) make me dramatic, immature or irrational. It simply points to my humanity. And after having spent enough years of my life trying to hide it, deny it or conform it to someone else’s ideal and it’s not something I am interested in anymore. And to that end, if his reaction to my humanity is to walk away, I will stay true to myself and continue to respond.