Do you know what I have been doing for the last 24 hours in my spare moments? Trying to figure out how on earth I could find any redeeming moments from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette…even a resemblance of a redeeming moment would have been good. To be clear, there were a couple of respectable moments in which trust was built, people were honest and authentic and people having others’ best interests at heart, but outside of those rare little gems, it was another one of those “what did I just watch?” type episodes. I love me some good train wreck moments and drama but this is nearly overwhelming!
So, as I was thinking through what could be redeemable and applicable to write about I kept coming back to one of my favorite movies, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I probably shouldn’t share this with you but when the movie came out I saw it a couple times in the theater and then watched it every day for several days in a row when it came out on DVD. (I think I had a problem…) If you haven’t seen the movie it’s about 2 characters who, for work purposes, end up dating each other as a dare (unbeknownst to the other)—Ben’s goal was to try to get Andi to fall in love with him; Andi’s goal is to start dating a guy and, using all of the stereotypical and cliche female behaviors that tend to turn guys off, see if she could lose him in 10 days. And you can imagine what ensues:
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In some ways this movie is not too far off from the Bachelorette. Relationships that happen quickly, people's lives intertwined in a remarkably fast amount of time, a flood of emotions and the contestants playing the role of both Ben and Andi--trying to make the Lead fall in love with them while simultaneously (at time) pushing them away with their franticness to be seen as "husband material" or "wife material". (What is that anyways?!?) The one thing that we can count on is…you guessed it, drama. And sometimes this doesn’t feel too far from our lives as well; playing the dating game is this mixture of playing hard to get, putting yourself out there, a roller coaster of emotions, hypersensitivity and walls. In the movie, on the Bachelorette and in real life I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not intentionally or not, brought drama into the relationship. Sometimes it feeds our need for reassurance, sometimes it shows us the commitment level of the other person; sometimes we even do it to see if that other person can handle the good, bad and ugly that we inevitably bring to the table.
Since Ben and Andi (in the movie) have 10 days to try and make this work, they often rush emotions, avoid important conversations and get too deep too quickly. They talk about the future, kids and even meet family within a week of getting to know each other.
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Sound familiar? This is the literal description of the Bachelor/ette! People frantically trying to secure their spot with the Lead by putting themselves out there and sharing insane (and typically inappropriate) information about themselves in order to appeal to the person handing out the roses. Within mere weeks of meeting each other the Bachelorette must pick four men who's families she would like to meet. Serious conversations are had about what their future would look like together, if they want kids, where they would live and many other topics that, in my personal opinion, seem to be a bit hastily discussed, especially when the lead is still dating several other men at the same time! But really, haven’t you and I ever done this? I’ve talked before about earning the right to hear my story in a previous blog. Sadly, those conclusions I [finally] came to were born out of significant trial and error, most of it due to believing that if I could share enough of my story to this other person then perhaps they would see the real me, understand me and ultimately fall in love with me. While there were many times that the reason I shared so much of my story was because someone asked, their mere asking did not mean they needed to hear intimate details of my life. The fact of the matter is, too much too soon typically tends to overwhelm the other person (or you, if you’re on the receiving end) and before you know it, they’re gone!
Much of the drama around this season of the Bachelorette has been in regards to Kaitlyn’s personal choices and values around sex. We are all well aware by now that Kaitlyn was sexually intimate with one of the contestants, Nick, prior to the Fantasy Suite dates (where of course it is simply expected that the Bachelor/ette will sleep with each of the remaining three). For Ben and Andi on the movie it was on day three or four of knowing each other. In the case of Ben and Andi, sex was appealing thing to engage in to avoid a tough conversation. In the world of the Bachelorette sex is, for the most part, expected when you get to a certain point (Fantasy Suites) regardless of the actual time you have spent with someone (never mind this time being spent on camera where I would imagine it would be difficult to truly get to know each other since there is the underlying notion that any or all of it could be shared with a national audience!)
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My point is definitely not to throw judgement or my own sexual ethics and values out and say there is a certain way things need to be done. However, evidenced by the conversation Kaitlyn and Shawn had and the verbal brawl between Nick and Shawn over this same subject (of course, To Be Continued for next week…ugh…) it may be that delving into that area of a relationship too quickly (again, this can be subjective to each person) creates circumstances that are difficult to recover from. I mean heck, Ben and Andi were in couples therapy two days after they attempted being sexually involved with one another! Personally I have experiences of dating at both ends of the spectrum. Over a decade ago, for me, relationships looked a very specific way with a prescribed set of rules on how the relationship should go, including strict rules regarding physicality in a relationship (anything more than hand holding or a kiss on the cheek was frowned upon--certainly sex before marriage was considered to be a grave sin that one could likely never recover from). Entering the dating world again after leaving that culture behind opened my eyes to a completely different way of dating with completely different rules. For starters, there are no rules. Secondly, I learned that most people considered it incredibly normal and important to have sex by the 2nd or 3rd date. This is a far cry from the culture I grew up in! People say this is to see if there really is sexual compatibility and chemistry (which I agree are very important!) but it is devoid of an emotional connection and significant time spent together. In my experiences (including hearing stories of other people), generally rushing into sex within a few days or a week of getting to know someone tends to be, like Ben and Andi and the Bachelorette, difficult to recover from.
One of my favorite parts of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, is the scene towards the end where Ben and Andi have a ‘musical snack’ for the crowd at a gala for Ben’s company. Of course by this point the truth has come out regarding both Ben and Andi’s true intention (despite the fact that, in true rom-com form, they are actually starting to fall for each other). Since they are so mad at each other their musical number is changed into singing to each other while sarcastically bashing one another.
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I mean, if this isn't the theme of this dramatic season, then I don’t know what is! Besides the conversations surrounding Kaitlyn’s sexual activity, a major theme of the show has been guys backstabbing each other, guys complaining to Kaitlyn about other guys, guys telling Kaitlyn very disrespectful things about her and other guys actually encouraging guys to say those atrocious comments to Kaitlyn in the spirit of “letting her know how you truly feel” (I’m looking at you Nick Viall…). Usually this has happened when a guy has sensed that he was on his way out anyways—the floodgates opened as they had nothing to lose and it left Kaitlyn and many others scratching their heads in confusion. Though I have already addressed this concept in a previous blog, it seems to be affirmed as true the further we get into this season. When Ben and Andi sang to each other it was an attempt to out the other person, share dirty laundry and have the last word in order to come out on top--fearing they would be devastated otherwise. Sadly there have been times where I knew a relationship was sinking quickly I said very mean things (usually packaged in a passive-aggressive manner) in order to save face. Unfortunately I have also been in the seat, many times, of having those mean things said to me by the other person in the relationship who is trying to save his face. Essentially the cliffhanger on this most recent episode was two guys verbally battling it out in order to make themselves look better and hopefully secure a long lasting relationship with Kaitlyn. It's human nature to want to protect ourselves if we feel threatened or in danger (even if it's not physical danger) we see it with Kaitlyn and her guys, Ben and Andi, and I see it in myself. Maybe you do too...?
I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie this all up and send you off with something profound to reflect on (of course, I never actually assume that!) In truth this episode seemed a bit dark and heavy and perhaps this is my attempt at bringing lightheartedness to some very awkward situations that can touch our lives as well. And maybe that’s what we all needed—at least it lets us catch our breath! Nevertheless…
©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.
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