To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

The Right Way to Date

The last relationship I was in that had a serious tone to it, in some ways was a ‘book end’ for me. …The end of a long list of men that I dated who’s purpose in my life seemed to be preparing me for the future. I look back now and can see that each of those relationships helped me grow stronger, face myself and continue healing. I watched as moments that would cause me great anxiety in relationships after my abusive relationship, slowly subsided and I was able to nurture my own fears. The frantic ‘not knowing’ that is present in so many relationships that would cause severe panic and desperation started to become patience and a loosening of control that allowed me to enjoy each moment. But I came to realize that even though I was learning some great lessons, it was exhausting! So, after the last serious-type relationship, I decided I needed a break from dating.  

It hasn’t been until recently that I have found the energy and motivation to get back out there.  And what I am coming to realize is that I have a fairly jacked up view of what dating is supposed to look like…or even how to date. 

Now, before I go on record saying that there is one right way to go about dating, I want to clarify and say that there isn’t. And in some ways, that’s part of the problem.  I grew up believing that there was one specific and Godly way to date. But it wasn’t really dating either. It was this weird conglomeration of beliefs and values taught by the Church that culminated in an overarching persuasion that prior to even going out on the first date with someone, you had to have an almost certain knowledge of if you were going to marry that person or not. (Yes, you heard me correctly…BEFORE the first date). To this end, my job as a woman was to wait patiently for a man to see me and pursue me. In many ways I did not have a choice over who I would have an opportunity to date. Pursuit of a man in any way, even conversation, was considered overstepping my role as a woman and likely manipulative. (I was told by many men that my friendly personality towards everyone was overly flirtatious, lacking submission, disrespectful and manipulative.) In this way of dating, if a man should see me as someone he would want to pursue with the intent of marriage it would be wise for me to accept, especially as I got older. Even if I was not especially attracted to him or envisioned myself with a different type of man, I was told to question myself for selfish motives and shallow or superficial expectations. 

Dating in this realm was very calculated and prescribed. There was a neat list of rules to abide by and a pattern to follow that, if subscribed to, would supposedly lead to a beautiful, pure, Godly marriage—one with few problems and much bliss and ease as this was the way God had designed it. 

Needless to say, I think my personality did not lend well to this mentality no matter how hard I tried to fit into it. And because I was ok having men as friends and thoroughly enjoyed those relationships, I was considered dangerous to some. (Mind you these friendships with men were not “friends with benefits”…I didn’t even kiss a guy, let alone anything else, until my very late 20’s. So we’re talking platonic friendships!)

Coming out of that ‘era’, while needed, was also a source of much confusion. I felt like a stereotypical pastors kid…the kid who rebels once she goes off to college because she is finally no longer under the watchful eye of her parents, the church and the community. While my intent was not necessarily to rebel, the only thing I could think of in my mind was to do the exact opposite of anything that resembled the old version of dating. In many ways doing the opposite came from a place of total innocence. And in that, I naturally swung to the other side of the spectrum. 

While swinging to the other side of the spectrum never took on a sense of extremity, it was definitely a different way of living than the previous years. Dating was no longer about pursuing marriage but rather just having fun, sometimes drinking too much and on occasion, waking up next to someone I knew very little of. Definitely not some of my proudest moments and yet, still incredibly important to experience. All the things that I was supposed to already know before going on a date with someone (e.g. "is this someone I could marry?") flew out the window. Needing a relationship to follow a detailed and specific pattern (and timeline) no longer was the norm. Having to tell someone 'older and wiser' every action and thought that I had/did, all the while being judged, no longer resembled the flavor of my life. In a sense, I was experiencing freedom.

But even freedom can be scary. Freedom in excess, with no boundaries, with no values, with no sure ground to stand on can actually feel like another form of 'slavery'. While I did not have anyone telling me what I could and could not do, I was basically setting myself up to have shallow relationships, get my heart broken and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. Everything about that lifestyle is in the moment, instant gratification, delayed consequences, act now and think later--all things to me that seem to be appealing for the short term but exhausting, confusing and devastating in the long run.

At some point I began to figure out that neither side was great to camp out at and while there seems to be a few beneficial things to 'take' from each side of the spectrum, generally it leaves a person floundering a bit trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship. If a relationship isn't about a formula, repression and rules but it also isn't about instant gratification, excess and moving from person to person, then what is it?

It took me a while to understand the appeal of camping out at one side of the spectrum (or the other) and why it felt so foreign to find some sort of a working balance. Either side of the spectrum essentially requires no thought. One the one side you have someone dictating your every move, every thought and every relationship. There is a very clear cut way regarding what you can and cannot do and as long as you stick to it and don't question it, you're good. At the very least, you don't have to think because someone else has prescribed it for you. 

On the other side of the spectrum you also don't think because it's all about acting without thought. While there are no rules to dictate your next move, the absence of rules means that thinking is scary, so you do whatever comes naturally, instantly and with the most pleasure and gratification. Everything goes, nothing is off limits; every thought, desires and action is valid and worthy of gratification. Again, it's a side that involves no thought. 

My quest for understanding what dating should look like (not in terms of right way/wrong way but rather the best fit for me) seems to land in this area of balance...somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. It's a place that involves a lot of thought and honest reflection and awareness--not something that most people are interested in. It means actually pausing and understanding what it is that you want, desire, need, value, prefer, get anxious by, what triggers you, your baggage...and making sure that the way you do relationships is coming from the highest value of who you are versus how various groups of people dictate it to you. Being on either side of the spectrum offers an amount of safety. If someone else is dictating what life and relationships need to look like instead of you having to think for yourself, you never truly need to pause and wonder if this is best. The land of balance includes intentionality and thought as well as honesty and humility. 

That balance is what I am still working on. I've spent many hours thinking, processing and journaling about what I want a relationship should look like that mirrors neither side of the spectrum exclusively. And while things are starting to come together on paper, transferring that now onto the dating field poses a totally different adventure. It's kinda like the concept of only being able to read about how to fix a car for so long before you actually have to go out and try it. Same with dating, boundaries, values, relationships and balance. It's great to take a break and figure things out, figure out what I want, but at some point I have to actually get back out there and do it. That's the point that I am at now. 

So, here I am, the other side of a few months long break from dating and it's time to put my money where my mouth is. It's not easy though! If the date isn't required to end in marriage or a one night stand, is it ok to only know that I like him enough to go on a second date? If it's not about having to follow a specific job description of a Biblical Woman, is it ok to initiate communication? And if so, how much? And how much communication should I expect from him? How many dates do I need to go on with someone before I feel ok to kiss them, or talk about deeper things or invite them over to my house (or go to theirs)? If I am not required to keep my parents and all those who are older and wiser than me in the loop, who do I actually tell that I am dating someone and at what point? These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.

I have to admit even though not having the answers immediately can be frustrating, having the space to ask questions is quite freeing. Asking questions and being able to think through the answers means that I am not subjected to any one person or one idea of how a relationship is supposed to go. In some ways it's very fluid and can be tailored to fit a specific relationship while at the same time stable enough to rest on a strong foundation of my personal values and beliefs. And while this land of balance certainly does not offer immediate answers, I can't help but wonder if part of the gift of asking questions and searching is the opportunity to have a relationship that is a reflection of me.