Good isn't Good Enough

Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special. 

I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena. 

While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. 

And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys. 

I want to be with someone great. 

As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)

I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did  make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied. 

When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself. 

And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude. 

As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too. 

I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.

So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

I'll Be Your Tinderella

I have finally succumbed to the pressure. Well, kind of. Ok, no one was pressuring me. I did it because I wanted to feel better about myself one night. I joined Tinder.

A few months ago I was broken up with someone for what I would consider fairly shallow reasons. The short of it is he preferred a size 2, large breasted, super model-ish woman as compared to my average size, decent looks (I mean, I don’t think I need to wear a bag over my head), small chest and large(r)…well…bedonkadonk (something which, I might add, has never been a problem in previous relationships nor am I looking to change!) The process of coming to terms with that is in another blog but one of the ways of dealing with the aftermath was joining Tinder. 

(For those of you who don’t know what Tinder is, it’s a free app for your phone in which you can potentially interact with people. If you like the way they look and what they choose to say in their 200 character profile, swipe right. If not, swipe left. If that person swipes right too, you can chat via their version of text messaging. The app allows you to come in contact with other users of the app within a 50 mile radius of your locale which means wherever you are there is a chance to meet someone!)

So, on a night that I just wanted to feel good about myself and see if other people found me attractive, I joined Tinder. Essentially I was in the drivers seat and was able to “swipe away” those I wasn’t attracted to (without the chance of really hurting their feelings) and was encouraged when someone I found attractive also found me attractive. I know, I know, perhaps not the best way of dealing with things, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

I developed a love/hate relationship with the app and go in spurts of checking it or not. On the one hand there is an allure to the potential dates and people who you might not normally run into. On the other hand, the amount of potential dates can be intimidating, not to mention the stereotype that goes along with a free dating app—that most people are on it for sexual encounters exclusively. (The following screenshot of a message would be a great example! …his messages are in gray, mine are in blue…)

So that got me thinking; I have started to notice a few trends as of late as I have delved into the world of Tinder and it has opened my eyes even more to our modern culture of dating. 

1. There is a hustle to dating - people are in and out quick
2. Dating is like a buffet
3. There is no typical dating etiquette
4. People are bolder behind a phone screen than in real life
5. It’s consuming and overwhelming
6. …and yet oddly satisfying

Let me explain…

• Finding a date nowadays seems to be tailored for someone with Adult ADD or ADHD. It’s fast paced and if you take too long to respond to a request you are either ignored eternally or responded to with a snarky comment. As a general rule I have been trying to not be so attached to my phone, which means that many times I don’t even know where it is. A few weeks back I received a message from a guy who I had been communicating with in which he gave me his phone number and asked to communicate via text (which I actually would not have been opposed to). A couple hours later when I checked my phone, he had already written another message back with a passive aggressive statement regarding me not contacting him (which you can be sure was enough red flag to indeed NOT contact him). I began paying attention to how fast someone would lose interest in me—if I responded immediately to a message the interest was maintained. If, for whatever reason, I did not respond immediately it was far more likely that I would never hear back from that person. 

• Dating is like a buffet. It’s hard to concentrate on just one person, nor do you need to concentrate on just one person, when there are 15 more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes who are filling our inbox with messages. I used to get really mad about this and yet I find myself doing it from time to time too. Having this many options allows one to create in their mind a standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist in any one person. This person’s smile, another person’s build, another person’s zest for life combined with another person’s nurturing spirit; someone who is partying every weekend and another who takes life and responsibility seriously.  There is no need to get serious about any one person when there are always more on standby for when something doesn’t work out. In fact, that thought actually perpetuates things NOT working out. The thought of “is there someone better out there” plagues even the best of us who value commitment, fidelity and loyalty; it’s hard to resist when it’s just a click away!

• Ever since I was a teen I knew very well of the unspoken rule that if someone calls you/texts you after 10:00 at night it’s a booty call. And lest you want to be perceived as someone who is looking for that, you maintain communication during the non-booty-call-hours of 8:00am—10:00pm. However, it is not abnormal to wake up to several messages from several different guys that were written only a couple hours before I woke up in the morning. Not only is my first thought questioning what their intentions are, but I can’t help but wonder how someone who advertises himself as an attorney can stay up until three or four o’clock in the morning every night and still be at the office by 8. The expectation is that we are online all the time which means that it’s not so uncommon to stay up until the wee hours of the morning texting back and forth with a perfect stranger—all starting off as innocent conversation and quickly moving to things that you would not want your momma to see!

• The concept of being bolder behind the screen (phone, computer, iPad, etc.) is getting a lot of buzz as of late, typically in regards to teens and young adults. However, the same is true for people in their 30’s and 40’s. When someone asks me to meet them for sex (see the above text), I can’t help but wonder if they were in front of me would that truly be the first thing out of their mouth? Maybe I am naive, but it would seem that the chances are much slimmer. Having the barrier of a screen seems to allow people to un-filter, say whatever they want and not truly see or feel the consequences of their words and actions. This of course only leads to objectification. If someone feels it appropriate to ask people for inappropriate things (e.g. sexually) it is probably safe to assume they are also not seeing the other person as having a heart, soul, emotions and a mind. And if we want to go down that road, this seems like a perfect recipe for breeding sociopaths (…I’ll refrain from getting on that soapbox!)

• Online dating can be absolutely consuming and overwhelming. It’s pretty much a full time job! The other night I realized that my settings on the app were not reflecting the true age range of people that I was looking to meet. After increasing the age not only was I faced with endless options, I also woke up the next morning (a mere six hours after shutting my phone off the previous night) with 15 notifications of new matches and messages. That’s 15 potential relationships, 15 conversations to keep straight (not to mention the handful of other guys that I was already communicating with) and 15 responses to the typical get-to-know-you questions. By 10:00 that next morning I had received 6 invitations to go out that night which then led to the task of politely declining them…all.  Before I knew it, my morning that was going to be used for catching up on housework was gone as I had just spent more hours than I would like to admit communicating with potential dates. The exhausting part comes in knowing that the likelihood that it will happen again tomorrow is pretty great. Talk about overwhelming…

• …and yet, it’s oddly satisfying. I can’t deny the fact that looking at my phone with invitations to get to know me, take me out and compliments about my profile and pictures aren’t something I like. I do. Who doesn’t? As overwhelming as it is to wake up to those messages, it kind of makes me feel good to know that someone (or 15 someones) wants me. Sitting at home by myself on a Friday night doesn’t seem as bad or lonely when I know there were at least options to go out and the choice I made was what kept me in. Being able to jump online in a moment of desperate loneliness and try to find connection (no matter how shallow it might be) has a certain appeal!

And that last trend…well, that’s the trend that makes the other trends bearable. It’s the trend that speaks to our deep need for connection and relationship. It’s the trend that keeps us hopeful despite all the less than appropriate encounters. It’s the trend that keeps us from deleting the app. It’s the trend that keeps us swiping right. 

That last trend speaks so deeply to my human need for intimacy—to be seen, known and loved by another. It’s truly a basic need just as food, water and shelter are. And it makes sense since so many of us go after it as if our lives depended on it. Though the trends in how we go about finding love and what the appropriate or inappropriate ways are to do so vary from year to year and generation to generation, the fact remains that we do it because we believe in the possibility of love. 

What these trends have taught me is to develop a thick skin and an uncanny weeding system. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am going to receive messages from people that make my skin crawl. I am going to be rejected because I don’t text a stranger after 10:00pm. I will get no response from someone whom I don’t respond to in a timely (30 second) manner. And while I could let these things deeply discourage me on this quest and even give me a ‘right’ to live with an edge of cynicism, it can also propel me in hope knowing that with each missed connection I am, perhaps, one step closer to a great connection. Though I do not like the current dating trends I choose, day after day, week after week and month after month, to do it. I choose to do the hard thing and keep putting myself out there. I do it for something bigger than me. I do it for love. I do it because maybe, just maybe, the shoe will fit and I will be someone’s Tinderella.