Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special.
I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena.
While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand.
And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys.
I want to be with someone great.
As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)
I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied.
When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself.
And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude.
As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too.
I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.
So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…
©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.
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