I have written before in a couple blogs about the concept of being a bitch—mainly because most women know, to an extent, that being a nice girl is going to ensure they are used and discarded by most if not all men. The concept of the bitch is one portrayed on TV, in magazines and many books have been written on the art of becoming her. While there is a large spectrum that a “bitch” can choose her typical behaviors from it seems to inevitably mean that you must somehow change yourself in order to get a man who will actually stick around.
There are the “Bad Bitches” who are dramatic, loud, obnoxious and all about themselves. They are the ones who have thousands of followers on Instagram and take pictures of their booty to share with their fan base. Then there are those “bitches” who are hyper-independent, who believe men are generally scum and tend to practice a form of hyper-feminism. These women may or may not have some trauma with men (fathers, other family members or significant others) and tend to view men with varying ounces of venom.
And then there is the “bitch” that I have more commonly referred to in the type of woman who learns the man’s dating game and while the premise is to stand up for herself, value herself and pretend to be somewhat aloof until the man is eating out of her hand, she must do this at the expense of being her kind or compassionate self right off the bat.
I can say with much confidence that the first definition of “bitch” never has nor never will be me. The second type of “bitch” has been me at specific times of my life as I have been working through the man-trauma but the third kind of “bitch" seems to be what I am most commonly leaning towards. It’s not that I don’t believe in holding my own or valuing myself, in fact I see these as absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. What I think is beginning to feel exhausting is how hard I have to work, how much of myself I have to hold back and how much I have to pretend I don’t care about in order to get the guy.
As women we are bombarded with books, magazine articles, TV shows, interviews and other social media platforms telling us all the things that we need to do to become the attractive girl that guys want. I don’t know exact statistics but I would guess that there is an enormous amount of both time and money spent by single women trying to figure out the key(s) to scoring a date. On top of that we talk about it when we are out for coffee; we have girls nights where we discuss our latest experiences and learnings over glasses (or rather bottles) of wine. We read the latest issues of Cosmo or the different buzz feed articles trying to glean some sort of knowledge that we did not previously know, hoping that perhaps that is the key to making us attractive.
And while I am absolutely a fan of self care physically (and emotionally too!), I have been known to spend more than I would care to admit on beauty and diet regimens, clothes, hair styles and products, make up, a new clothing style, laser hair removal, waxing, getting my nails done, the latest books or a myriad of other thing that promises to make me a more appealing person. I’ve practiced being a bitch even.
And ya know what? I’m still single.
Meanwhile the men in my/our lives are being praised for the dad-bod and getting off scot free. While us women are trying desperately to figure out the male species and change what we need to do to catch their eye, they don’t have to change a darned thing about themselves. I can say, without exaggeration, that I have overheard less than the fingers on one hand, the number of conversations of guys figuring out how they can change to be kinder, more compassionate or committed. I don’t see men sitting on park benches pouring through the latest Men’s “How to Get a Date” book or article nor do I see men spending an exaggerated amount of time on their physical appearance for the sole and consistent purpose of being attractive to the opposite sex (outside of the typical gym membership).
What I do hear is men complaining about women being too needy or clingy or jumping into the relationship too fast. I hear men talking about a girl being too easy (neglecting the fact that they too would be considered just as easy…ya know it’s that thing where the girl didn't just sleep with you—the guy slept with her too!) I hear men talking about the things they don’t like about the women that they are surrounded with, but it’s only a select few that seem to understand themselves to be the common denominator in relationships and take the time to look at themselves.
I am certainly not saying that men are the problem and women are not, or vice versa. We each play our own role in this phenomenon. Looking back at my own experiences I would say there were many times where I acted in ways or said certain things that could have been off-putting; if the same things had been said or done to me it may have raised a couple flags in my mind. But there are a handful of other times where I have focused so much on playing this supposed dating game that men love that I’ve ended up exhausted and not really even liking the guy because of how hard I have to try. I even make sure that after every ending of a relationship I take a careful look at myself to see the qualities that I need to shore up on, the ways I could approach things differently and even evaluate if my values and boundaries need to be shifted around.
To be honest, I have worked too hard in my own journey to feel like I need to become someone I am not, demonstrate characteristics that aren’t a true reflection of me or play some game for a guy to get me. I guess I am now coming to realize that I am accepting that if a guy doesn’t want to accept me as a kind person who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she wants but also isn’t afraid to be authentic about what she wants from a relationship, then I don’t think it would work anyways. I know all too well how exhausting it can be to try and pretend to be someone you aren’t—I did it for nearly three decades of my life—I think I am ok playing the waiting game if it means that I get to be myself.
©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.
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