Girls who have their $*!# together

I’m starting to feel like a broken record every week as I do my “Therapeutic Bachelorette Recaps” as I talk about the insane amount of drama on this season. If someone knows who I can contact to be the show’s therapist, please let me know; I would

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love to know what is going through the men’s heads as they say and do certain things! Weeding through the drama to find some sort of redeemable and universal relationship lesson has been no easy task but after sleeping on it there was something very familiar about last night’s episode that I have experienced many times in my adventure of dating—and I could guess that many of you have too. 

First, let me introduce you to Ian. Since night one  he has made it very clear that he was on the show for Kaitlyn (and not Britt). As he tells us his backstory that got him to this point, I think most of America’s hearts melted as we heard about a tragic accident he had with a prognosis of never being able to walk again (and he now runs marathons), quite the impeccable resume, graduated Princeton, used to model, is a good looking guy for sure and seems incredibly genuine and interested in finding someone to spend his life with. But despite all these accolades, Ian seems to fall into the background each episode. We see him and hear him from time to time, but the drama of the house has either severely overshadowed him or he has made it a point to hang back (or both). Nevertheless, Ian is painted as a guy who is there for, pardon the cliche, “the right reasons”. 

Well, until last night. 

Ian has finally had enough of this “in the background stuff” and lets production know that he is never the guy who hangs in the back of the pack. He’s confident, charming, can get any girl he wants (and even goes so far to say as he has a lot of sex with a lot of girls) and reiterates his resume, education, accolades and the fact that he has defied death. We hear from him that Kaitlyn is only half as hot as his ex-girlfriend and that he would be a perfect candidate for the next Bachelor.(Click the link for the video/his statements...it's pretty crazy!) In the final scene of the episode last night we see Ian asking Kaitlyn to talk at the Cocktail Party (before the Rose Ceremony) and he lays into her. He tells Kaitlyn that he expected to come into this situation with someone who was shattered and had just had her heart broken rather than looking for someone to ‘plow her field’ (bringing in a joke that she made from last season), that she was a shallow person and didn’t go beneath the surface, that he didn’t trust her or her intentions and was just there to make out with a bunch of guys. And then…To Be Continued. 

As I picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to process through what just happened, words would just not come to me. Normally after the show is over I filter through the different things that I could possibly write about but not last night…last night I had to shove it under the rug per say and start reading a lighthearted book before I went to bed! As I was on my way to my office this morning it suddenly hit me that the reason I was so stunned by these accusations towards Kaitlyn from Ian is because I have had, on multiple occasions, things like that said to me. 

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There’s this interesting thing about being single after 30—if we’ve been diligent we have likely gone to school and have a degree or two under our belts. We have likely established ourselves in our careers. We’ve probably been around the block a time or two with less than great relationships and learned how to pick ourselves back up, grieve, come to a place of acceptance and even learn from our mistakes in order to make us a better person. Maybe we have even had some great relationships that show us what we want. Perhaps we have done our own self work, we likely have our finances in order, we have learned to minimize the baggage we bring into relationships and started to understand what our triggers are, the things that are the most valuable to us and have thoughts and opinions on how life should be. We have learned how to be self-sufficient and independent and determined the difference between needing a partner and wanting a partner. It’s not that you can’t have those things before you are in your 30’s, it’s just that most of the time these things come with the territory of being in your 30’s (and above) and single (or single again). 

What I have learned in my dating experiences is that as much as a guy is attracted to the independence, self-sufficiency and self-knowledge these also are the things that can feel like a major threat. Ian’s statement last night “I thought you were going to come into this a shattered person after Chris Soules broke your heart…” suggests that he was looking for a woman that he could save, come to the rescue and be her hero. Finding out that those things were not what she needed can be a blow to the ego and causes one to have to reevaluate what the relationship is, including his own role in it. 

Many of the reasons that relationships I’ve been in that have deteriorated have been for those reasons: the guy is looking to be my knight in shining armor and I’m looking for someone to do life with. I’ve had conversations in which “he” (whomever I was dating at the time) was put off by the fact that I could easily financially support myself or that I made more money than him. I’ve had accusations thrown at me that I am psychoanalyzing “him” simply because I bring up something that is bothering me. I’ve dated guys who, after hearing bits and pieces of my story, want to be the hero of the situation in putting me back together and struggle when I a) don’t need them to put me back together or b) don’t want them to put me back together. I’ve been told that I am intimidating because of my educational degrees, the fact that I have built a business or that I am motivated to get things done. Each of these mentions of intimidations comes with a slew of excuses or accusations about who that person thinks I am because I don’t match the picture of who they thought I should be or who they wanted me to be. 

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When they find out that I don’t need them but rather just want them (which I think is way healthier anyways), it puts them into a frenzy of having to then determine if they can stay in a relationship with someone who is generally doing ok. And what I’ve come to find out is that guys really don’t like that. Ian really didn’t like that. In fact, I would tend to believe that guys might see that as a threat. I think Ian did. And you know what we do when we feel threatened? We defend ourselves. We say whatever we need to say, no matter how untrue or asinine it might be, we throw accusations, we puff ourselves up, we blame the other person, shift responsibility all in an effort to make ourselves feel better (and if we’re being honest here, this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationship settings, this can happen in all types of relationships).

Though I don’t know how the conversation between Ian and Kaitlyn ended (hence the “To Be Continued…”) knowing how Kaitlyn has conducted herself with the guys this season, she likely will reiterate that she is looking for a husband who encompasses the things that she values. And I don’t think she will be apologetic about not being the type of girl that Ian wants, even needs, her to be. Major props for that! 

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I used to think I needed to apologize for who I was, the things that I had accomplished or the successes that I worked hard to achieve in my life. Certainly I don’t want to come across boastful (or even intimidating, on purpose) to anyone, but to have to dial myself back in order to be the type of person that someone else needs me to be in order for them to feel comfortable and competent is codependency defined. Plus, I don’t want (nor do I think Kaitlyn wants) a guy who is intimidated by me or looks on me with pity in need of a savior. 

Be you. Unapologetically. A guy who is intimidated by a girl who has their shit together doesn’t deserve a rose anyways.