Chivalry is Dead

It’s no secret that I meet the fine specimen that I go out with, from a dating website. I’ve gone back and forth regarding if I actually like doing this (or want to admit it that I’m doing it!), but since going to a bar or a club is of no interest to me and I don’t have many friends who know single men, online dating has been where I have landed. And, at the very least, I have ended up with some absolutely crazy stories...sprinkled with many moments of shock and a few heartbreaks. I have learned a lot too—about myself, about relationships, about men, about expectations and about chivalry. Or lack thereof. 

I wish I would have kept count of the number of profiles I have read that say something to the effect of “…most think chivalry doesn’t exist anymore, but I disagree; I know how to treat a woman.” At first I smiled at this statement, thinking that perhaps this was a caring and sensitive man who truly was different than the rest. But after going out with 35+ men from various dating websites, I have come to recognize that their version of chivalry in treating a woman does not go much beyond putting your best foot forward on a first date. And sometimes not even that far. 

So why do I say chivalry is dead? Well, let’s start by looking at the definitions of chivalry:

chivalry |ˈSHivəlrē|

noun

the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.

• historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively: I fought against the cream of French chivalry.

• the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

• courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women: their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint.

1 acts of chivalry: gallantry, gentlemanliness, courtesy, courteousness, politeness, graciousness, mannerliness, good manners. ANTONYMS rudeness.

(Take note that in the definition of chivalry itself, it states behavior of a man towards a woman!) 

I have used both the free and pay-for dating websites as avenues of obtaining dates. Prior to knowing the truth about the free sites (that they are actually primarily sites designed for hooking up), the appeal was that it was free. All 13 boys I accepted a date from off of one particular site, with the exception of one man (who I actually went out with several times before he…disappeared…), asked me for sex on the first date without even knowing my last name!  There have been a handful of others, from other sites, who have made it past the first date (usually just because they didn’t ask me for sex!) who then ask for, or rather expect, sex on the second date. 

In refusing their offers for sex, or going to their houses, or even for not kissing them or declining another date, I have been called a prude, religious, a person with baggage and abnormal. In moments where I have stated that I am not comfortable with certain conversation topics or actions, I have been told that I have too much baggage and that I am projecting my past relationships onto him. In asking a guy to be straightforward with me, I have been called desperate, told that I wanted too much and of course been bold-faced lied to. Because I have refused to send pictures of myself via text message I have been called old-fashioned, rigid and uninteresting (usually followed with no further communication from that guy). 

Now, I am not one to judge what your personal standards are regarding what we feel comfortable with talking about, texting about or if/when sex should happen in dating (maybe we’ll talk about that in another blog), but I am sorry…opening up the door to the dining establishment and paying for my dinner (that you probably asked me to go to with you via text message), does not make you chivalrous, standing head and shoulder above the “rest of the men out there”.  Nor should it give you the assumption that because you have done these grand acts I should repay you by sleeping with you! If that’s chivalry, then I want out (or at the very least I think we should petition to get the dictionary definition changed)! 

That version of chivalry seems to be, according to the definition above, the antonym of chivalry: rudeness. 

I can imagine you are probably sitting here, reading this blog with one of two expressions on your face. You are either horrified that this exists OR you are nodding your head (even reluctantly) because you know this to be the truth of the dating world now. 

One thing that this blog is NOT is a man-hating blog. That’s not my goal at all, but rather to offer an honest perspective on what it’s like to be in the dating world today as an older (and totally awesome), not-in-her-20’s-woman. So, while we can’t ignore the honest reality of the dwindling definition of chivalry, the other thing we can’t ignore is why we allow it (squirm!) See, it would seem that it’s a vicious cycle: men treat women like this because women allow it (even sub-consciously). Women allow it because they have come to expect it and don’t understand that they can and should be treated differently. And I think it’s fair to say that women allow it because it’s rare to be treated differently (respect, courteous, with high regard, care, etc.) So we lead ourselves to believe that our expectations are too high, our standards are too picky and we need to let loose just a bit.  

The landscape of dating has changed drastically in the past 15-20 years; both positively and negatively. Growing up in a highly religious home afforded me a very sheltered, limited and terrifying view of dating and relationships (anyone ever read that book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye?…don’t. Worst. Dating Book. Ever.) So between coming out of that and then our culture changing (again, both in highly positive ways and then some not-so-positive ways), you can imagine the element of trauma that silently weaves through so many of my dating experiences! And in navigating through this maze of relationships, while I have been dumped on a few more time than I would have liked, I regret to say, I have made my fair share of mistakes. And that’s where we as women need to take a bit of ownership—in our part—because chivalry didn’t become this way as a result of just one of the genders!

There is this balance it seems like we are trying to maintain between desperation and being a prude. It harkens back to last week’s blog in a way, in that for varying reasons, fighting for ourselves has become a foreign concept. It’s easy to believe that we have slim pickins’…great guys don’t seem to be for sale at WalMart (but man, if they were!) When the scenery looks dismal however, it doesn’t mean that it’s completely my/our problem; that we have to lower our standards or expectations of what is an appropriate, respectful, courteous and honoring way to be treated. Unfortunately, I know I’ve made a habit of doing just that at times! And when I lower my standards and accept behavior that is less than chivalrous, it makes it easier for us to accept it from the next guy and for the next guy to treat another lady in the same way. Vicious cycle. 

It would be nice if we could stop and reverse this cycle. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don’t see that happening on a corporate level anytime soon!  BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t in my own life. It doesn’t mean YOU can’t in your life. It is OK to have certain expectations for dating. It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to ask a guy to call you and ask you out versus him doing it via text message. Sex shouldn’t be an expectation, it’s an act of love and intimacy (those two things aren’t usually associated with a first date, so it’s ok to turn the offer down.) It’s ok if you don’t want to be in a private setting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sexting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sending photographs of yourself (clothed or unclothed). It’s also ok to not talk about certain topics, subjects or parts of your life until that person has earned the right to hear them. Despite what today’s dating scene suggests, not doing these things hardly make you a prude!

When I first opened my business, I remember having a conversation with a friend regarding if prices on services should be reduced when the customer flow wasn’t as ample. It was easy in those slow moments to believe it was something about me (perhaps my prices were too high, I over estimated my quality, etc.), rather than the normal ebb and flow of business. She encouraged me to not sell myself short; to keep my prices as they were (because that was what I was worth), and trust that the customers would come through the door when they were supposed to. From a business perspective, while this has been a step of faith many times, she was/is exactly right. I keep my prices and services at the level they are because I am worth it. If someone complains, I don’t take it personally. I simply recognize that us doing business together is not going to be a fit. I do this because my business is part of my livelihood and if someone doesn’t respect that, no disrespect to them, but I don’t need to be associated with that person.

Are we seeing the connections here?