Stop It.

Ok, so I was trying really hard to refrain from writing more Bachelor blogs in an effort to not get caught up in the drama. So far I’ve done a pretty good job but after the finale episode of Bachelor in Paradise last night, I simply couldn’t resist! (And for those of you who don’t know what Bachelor in Paradise is, it’s a summer show about love and dating with previous Bachelor/ette cast members).  And to affirm that I needed to write a blog about this, even my friend texted me to tell me she thought I should write about it!

During the 5-6 weeks that the cast was away in Mexico there were relationships that developed at the beginning and lasted the duration of the show that seemed to be headed in the direction of making it in the real world as a couple. In fact, one of the couples even got engaged at the end and are planning to get married in the near future! The other couple, affectionally dubbed Kirkly (Kirk and Carly), did not have as happy of an ending though. Breaking up with anyone is never an easy task. I would imagine that breaking up with someone in front of cameras and knowing in the back of your mind that it will be broadcasted on national television is even worse. 

If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, you have likely read a couple blogs inspired by Carly Waddell. I think what inspires me about her is that I feel like she and I have such similar lives—she just lives hers on a more public forum. Carly has a way of sharing her thoughts and experiences in a way that seem very raw and honest to her and very empathetic and connecting to others. So when Kirk broke up with her, or rather blindsided her, I’ll bet if you listened closely you likely would have heard thousands of other women across America gasping as they too have felt the gut-punch of the switch being flipped, their world turning upside down and being left in the dust by someone they thought was in it for the long haul. 

As we headed into the “After Paradise” special last night, despite the huge amount of awkwardness that was present when Kirk and Carly were on stage together, I think most of us were curious to hear more about what happened! I can give Kirk some points for sincerely apologizing; I don’t think his intent was to hurt Carly, but the manner in which he went about the relationship and then the break up was, in my opinion, quite terrible. After Kirk tried apologizing to Carly we learned that less than 24 hours before he broke up with Carly (with the reasons being he felt like it was moving too fast and he had been questioning the relationship with her for a while), he and Carly had conversations about their future outside of Paradise and Kirk had expressed excitement and confirmation that he was ok with the pace of the relationship, couldn’t wait to meet her family, had a house in the suburbs with rooms (for kids someday) and even talked to Carly about moving to be with him. AND these were not one-time conversations… 

I applaud Carly for the way she handled herself because I would have had a few more choice words to say about the situation if it were me! When Carly was asked if she had anything else to say, her words were perfect: “…for all the women that this has happened to, just like, guys, stop doing this. Like stop! Don’t do this to someone else! Please stop doing this because this is wrong. This is just wrong!” (This is the point where I knew I absolutely had to write a blog about this!) Carly wasn’t saying this out of malice or vindication, she was saying it from experience—experience of being told by men she was dating that they were in, wanting the relationship, looking at the future, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath her and left to shake her head wondering what had just happened!

Do you know that this experience—the experience that Carly was talking about—has happened to me more times than the number of fingers on my hands? I kid you not. I could tell story after story of guys who have consistently and passionately told me how wonderful I was, how I was unlike anyone they had met, how they could see their future with me, how they wanted to have kids with me, how they were looking to include me in financial decisions and not-too-distant future plans only to, less than a week later (and sometimes mere hours later) flip the switch and tell me it was going too fast, that they got caught up in the moment or made up some lame excuse that I would be better with someone else! I literally have had PTSD like reactions around the 5-6 week point of any relationship because of how many times this has happened!

For Kirk’s sake I would love to cut him some slack and say “oh, it’s just a Northern guy thing”…I mean it is, for sure. Living in the North I had many of those experiences in relationships myself (can I just tell you how  many guys have told me they could see themselves marrying me and then never have? I should have been married at least 17 times by now!) And while those Northern boys certainly are different in their approaches to relationships, I haven’t found much better luck here in the South. Essentially, it’s a guy thing. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why it happens! 

See, here’s the thing, I don’t think it’s just me who thinks about the future of a relationship. I have been known to, on more than one (or ten) occasions pair my first name with his last name. Or I have imagined a future together; I’ve thought about where we would live, what we would talk about for the rest of our lives or the types of activities we would be involved in. I’ve thought about how many kids we would have, if I would have to drive a mini-van or if we would be those parents who annoyingly gush about how perfect their children are. But you know what? In all of the times that I have thought about these things I have NEVER initiated conversations about the future (unless we truly were in a committed relationship where it was natural to continue those discussions). But if my memory serves me right, in every one of these aforementioned times, the guy has. Again and again. Sometimes it’s really difficulty not to join in on his future planning with me, but I’ve learned from experience that those conversations don’t usually end well. 

I don’t get it. I really don’t. At the risk of sounding prideful, I think that I’m a good catch; it doesn’t surprise me anymore when guys think that too. What surprises me is how they, in an instant, stop thinking that. What surprises me is how a guy can be fine with the pace of the relationship (even the driver of the pace) and without warning have a mini-meltdown at how fast it is going (and inevitably find something you said as a point to blame this sudden shift of mentality on—I’m not bitter, I swear! Ok, but really, I’m not; I’ve come to terms a long time ago that when this happens it’s more about him than it is about me, but it still catches me off guard!) and suddenly end it! Ummmmm, can I get an Amen?

Perhaps I should have stated it at the beginning, but this blog is not going to end with everything tied up in a neat packaged and adorned with a pretty bow—if I had the inside scoop to this weird guy-phenomenon, believe me I would tell you! And ladies, you’re not entirely off the hook…I think many of us have been known to do this a time or two as well. So to echo the words of Carly, why don’t we all just stop it!

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Why Being Single Sucks

As mentioned in a previous post, I recently celebrated another birthday, so yes, for those of you who didn't know, I will gladly accept your belated birthday gifts! Birthdays have never been a big thing for me; I'm not one of those people who does a birthday week (or month!) or who makes sure that everyone knows it's her special day. There have even been a few times where I've gone somewhere else for dinner on my birthday than where I would have preferred because it wasn't worth the conflict with others. My birthday is in the summer so when people ask me what a perfect birthday would be like it would include being outside, sunny weather, Pina Coladas and some body of water (such as the ocean...if I get to be picky. I mean, c'mon, it is my birthday after all!) And if we're going to push my celebration into the evening, it should also include Mexican food. Oh, and people I love also there. In my opinion, this should not be a difficult birthday to execute. In fact, I would take that every year if I could! 

The funny thing is, however, birthday's have never been that great for me. I've never quite found anyone who is interested in spending a day with me like that. People have been busy, the weather has been abnormally cold or people just flat out were not interested. Last year, however, was one of the greatest birthday's I had because I got to have my perfect day (which is how I know I would be cool with it the rest of my life.) The guy I was dating at the time and I shared a birthday so we took all of our favorite things and combined them into one day of activities that included a pedicure, Starbucks, pool time, a limo ride, one of our favorite restaurants and a great place for drinks afterwards (among a few other things). Turns out that when both people’s mission is to make it the best day for the other person, you both end up having an amazing time!

Perhaps it is because another year is in the books and it gets harder to resist getting botox for those inevitable wrinkles I am getting, but birthdays often times seem to be this “in your face” way of showing your relationship status. Well, for me at least. As I sat on my couch after just having ordered Domino’s pizza for one, it became painfully obvious that I was the only one sitting there and celebrating me. As I talked about this with family and close friends, the conclusion we came up with is that birthdays as a single person truly can be awkward and difficult. When you are dating or married you have someone who is planning you a party or at the very least asking you what to do. For one day of the year it is usually their mission to make sure that everything is about you. As a single person it can be much more difficult to have to ask a friend if they would like to plan you a party (yes, yes, I know I could just plan the party myself but sometimes I don’t want to do that either!)

I know it can be easy to get caught up in a downward cycle of cynicism or bitterness of all of the things that are more difficult when you are a single person, but I just couldn’t resist sharing with y’all all of the things that I came up with on my birthday this year of why being single kinda sucks (on other days too—not just your birthday)!

Top 25 Things that are Difficult when you are Single

1. Those little tiny buttons on the back of your dress or shirt that are impossible to button yourself
2. When you are holding a waffle cone in one hand and bags in the other and your phone rings and you have no one who can hold your waffle cone (and you can’t set it down!) 
3. When your shower head is screwed on too tight which doesn't make it possible to switch to the shower head that you really want.
4. Having to make up elaborate stories to your Uber cab driver about your husband who is still sleeping while you are on the way to the airport early in the morning so that the driver doesn't go back to your house and rob it. 
5. Trying to put together cute, non-yoga pants outfits when you get invited out.
6. Really coming to terms with having to save for retirement on your own (which is even harder when you are self employed)
7. Thinking about getting a dog and knowing that you have full potty-training-responsibility
8. Wondering if you should give up your bed to couple friend/family from out of town and opt to sleep on an air mattress
9. Having no way of gauging if my PMS symptoms are normal or if they impact others in a negative way.
10. Having to plan birthday parties for yourself
11. Cooking for one, despite the fact that you love cooking, because you don’t want to have to eat lasagna for then next 14 days.
    
12. Having to ask yourself if the dress you are wearing makes you look fat
13. Literally having no one else to blame for the mounds of laundry sitting, unfolded in a basket. 
14. Believing that Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are actually your best friends and therefore convincing yourself that spending the night watching them on Netflix is just as good as spending time with your actual human friends. 
15. Seriously considering changing up the side of the bed you sleep on so that you don't have to wash your sheets as often. 
16. Explaining to the guy with the gold teeth at Jiffy Lube, every time you go in for an oil change, who again tells you he notices you don’t have a wedding ring on that you are still single and that you still aren't interested in him taking you out for a good time. 
17. Drinking at home, by yourself, more than one night in a row. 
18. Being terrified of rodents and, after finding them (ahem, a rat) in your home having to put your big girl panties on to catch it AND dispose of it. (Side note: I've come a long way in my fear of rodents after 2 particular experiences!)
19. Figuring out how in the world you can have so much garbage that you have to put the garbage can out every week. 
20. Not knowing if cleaning the house while wearing short shorts, soccer socks, high heels and blasting Kelly Clarkson is sexy or considered abnormal and something I should be seeing a therapist about. 
21. Figuring how to evenly disperse sunscreen on my back so that I don't have outrageous tan lines. Or just figuring out how to put sunscreen on my back, period. 
22. Having to wonder if showering and personal hygiene is really that important since there is no one that is actually that close to you (physically).
23. Having to work really hard to convince yourself that signing up for the Bachelor really will not be that good for your mental health and sanity. 
24. Buying yourself gifts from Santa and then having to wrap them up, set them up and act surprised in the morning
25. At some point, having to adjust to have someone else in your space...your carefully crafted space and safe place. YOUR space that prior to the relationship you thought you were care free and low maintenance about only to find that you are perhaps one of the most OCD people in the world and actually get crabby about someone else not arranging the pillows on the couch just right. 

I know, I know...these are definitely in jest, but seriously people, the struggle is real! So to that end, who would like to start planning my birthday party for next year?

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.

I'm Tired of Being a Bitch

I have written before in a couple blogs about the concept of being a bitch—mainly because most women know, to an extent, that being a nice girl is going to ensure they are used and discarded by most if not all men. The concept of the bitch is one portrayed on TV, in magazines and many books have been written on the art of becoming her. While there is a large spectrum that a “bitch” can choose her typical behaviors from it seems to inevitably mean that you must somehow change yourself in order to get a man who will actually stick around. 

There are the “Bad Bitches” who are dramatic, loud, obnoxious and all about themselves. They are the ones who have thousands of followers on Instagram and take pictures of their booty to share with their fan base. Then there are those “bitches” who are hyper-independent, who believe men are generally scum and tend to practice a form of hyper-feminism. These women may or may not have some trauma with men (fathers, other family members or significant others) and tend to view men with varying ounces of venom. 

And then there is the “bitch” that I have more commonly referred to in the type of woman who learns the man’s dating game and while the premise is to stand up for herself, value herself and pretend to be somewhat aloof until the man is eating out of her hand, she must do this at the expense of being her kind or compassionate self right off the bat. 

I can say with much confidence that the first definition of “bitch” never has nor never will be me. The second type of “bitch” has been me at specific times of my life as I have been working through the man-trauma but the third kind of “bitch" seems to be what I am most commonly leaning towards. It’s not that I don’t believe in holding my own or valuing myself, in fact I see these as absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. What I think is beginning to feel exhausting is how hard I have to work, how much of myself I have to hold back and how much I have to pretend I don’t care about in order to get the guy. 

As women we are bombarded with books, magazine articles, TV shows, interviews and other social media platforms telling us all the things that we need to do to become the attractive girl that guys want. I don’t know exact statistics but I would guess that there is an enormous amount of both time and money spent by single women trying to figure out the key(s) to scoring a date. On top of that we talk about it when we are out for coffee; we have girls nights where we discuss our latest experiences and learnings over glasses (or rather bottles) of wine. We read the latest issues of Cosmo or the different buzz feed articles trying to glean some sort of knowledge that we did not previously know, hoping that perhaps that is the key to making us attractive. 

And while I am absolutely a fan of self care physically (and emotionally too!), I have been known to spend more than I would care to admit on beauty and diet regimens, clothes, hair styles and products, make up, a new clothing style, laser hair removal, waxing, getting my nails done, the latest books or a myriad of other thing that promises to make me a more appealing person. I’ve practiced being a bitch even. 

And ya know what? I’m still single. 

Meanwhile the men in my/our lives are being praised for the dad-bod and getting off scot free. While us women are trying desperately to figure out the male species and change what we need to do to catch their eye, they don’t have to change a darned thing about themselves. I can say, without exaggeration, that I have overheard less than the fingers on one hand, the number of conversations of guys figuring out how they can change to be kinder, more compassionate or committed. I don’t see men sitting on park benches pouring through the latest Men’s “How to Get a Date” book or article nor do I see men spending an exaggerated amount of time on their physical appearance for the sole and consistent purpose of being attractive to the opposite sex (outside of the typical gym membership). 

What I do hear is men complaining about women being too needy or clingy or jumping into the relationship too fast. I hear men talking about a girl being too easy (neglecting the fact that they too would be considered just as easy…ya know it’s that thing where the girl didn't just sleep with you—the guy slept with her too!) I hear men talking about the things they don’t like about the women that they are surrounded with, but it’s only a select few that seem to understand themselves to be the common denominator in relationships and take the time to look at themselves. 

I am certainly not saying that men are the problem and women are not, or vice versa. We each play our own role in this phenomenon. Looking back at my own experiences I would say there were many times where I acted in ways or said certain things that could have been off-putting; if the same things had been said or done to me it may have raised a couple flags in my mind. But there are a handful of other times where I have focused so much on playing this supposed dating game that men love that I’ve ended up exhausted and not really even liking the guy because of how hard I have to try. I even make sure that after every ending of a relationship I take a careful look at myself to see the qualities that I need to shore up on, the ways I could approach things differently and even evaluate if my values and boundaries need to be shifted around.

To be honest, I have worked too hard in my own journey to feel like I need to become someone I am not, demonstrate characteristics that aren’t a true reflection of me or play some game for a guy to get me. I guess I am now coming to realize that I am accepting that if a guy doesn’t want to accept me as a kind person who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she wants but also isn’t afraid to be authentic about what she wants from a relationship, then I don’t think it would work anyways. I know all too well how exhausting it can be to try and pretend to be someone you aren’t—I did it for nearly three decades of my life—I think I am ok playing the waiting game if it means that I get to be myself. 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Good isn't Good Enough

Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special. 

I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena. 

While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. 

And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys. 

I want to be with someone great. 

As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)

I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did  make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied. 

When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself. 

And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude. 

As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too. 

I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.

So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Finale. Finally.

Photo Credit: hollywoodreporter.com

Finally. The Bachelorette finale—the end to the most dramatic season ever—was aired last night. For quite some time Monday nights have been my favorite. Watching the Bachelor/ette has been fairly cathartic, a chance to zone out a bit, laugh and watch a train wreck happening while knowing full well that it's not my train wreck to have to deal with. But over the last six weeks or so (with the exception of the Men Tell All), I have found myself more and more reluctant to watch it. The show got me more hyped up and anxious rather than relaxed. And...wait for it...I almost opted not to watch it last night!!! Gilmore Girls sounded so much more appealing! But alas, I did watch it and as I sit here and write I feel a major sense of relief. 

My desire is to live life as drama free as possible. I mean, sure, the sheer fact that we are humans in relationships means we cannot eliminate drama and chaotic situations entirely. The fact that we all have different opinions, preferences and values, means that at some point or another drama has the potential to happen. 

One of the things I love the most about having my own office is that it is a sacred space for other people to come and share their stories (...and drama) and then, when I am done at the end of the day, I can close my door, lock it and literally walk away from all that I heard that day. I get paid to deal with chaos in my professional life so I shy away from immersing myself in it in my personal life. I have made boundaries with relationships (of all levels of depth) to ensure that the people I most closely surround myself with aren't interested in stirring things up or aren't always found at the center of drama with other relationships in their lives. Drama makes me tired. It makes me anxious and I can feel it in my entire body. It makes me want to run away, to hide and sometimes to isolate.

Photo Credit: wifflegif.com

During one of the most difficult periods of my life, when I was dating my abusive ex-boyfriend, I was introduced to a group of people who later became my friends. While I was honored to be interacting with these people as I had heard so much about them from my ex, I slowly started to realize that anytime I was with them there was some major crisis, fight, gossip and general drama that presided over the room. My head would literally spin trying to keep everyone’s stories straight, knowing who I could talk to about what and fearing that if I said the wrong thing it would somehow get back to someone who would then start talking about me. The best word I can use to describe it is yucky. In fact, the drama of those relationships had such a deep impact on me that I still sometimes worry that if I invite new people into my life that it will become dramatic all over again. The mere thought of that sounds so unappealing to the point that I would rather just be by myself sometimes.  

[Note: drama and conflict are not interchangeable. Conflict doesn't have to be bad--in fact it can be healthy to disagree with someone, as long as both parties are committed to having appropriate and healthy responses rather than going on the defense and reacting inappropriately. Drama almost certainly leads to conflict; conflict does not have to lead to drama.]

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks on Mondays that I have not had as much exuberance about turning The Bachelorette on, but it took me until last night to consciously realize that my waning interest in my Monday night rituals made me feel as if I had never left my office. Or that I was back in a world where drama and chaos characterized all of my relationships. My head would spin back then and it has certainly been spinning the last few Monday nights! 

This whole concept has really gotten me thinking though. It’s been humbling to realize how many times I do things because I think I am supposed to, because I feel incapable of changing things, because others expect something from me or because questioning the status quo would be perceived as inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a people-pleaser (though I do go through periods where I can be!) but sometimes in those dramatic situations it’s like a car accident that you don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take your eyes off of! 

What I realized last night about the anxiety that The Bachelorette gives me is somewhat of a culmination of what I have been trying to be mindful of in the last year or so. Being in tune with myself, paying attention to the signals my body gives to me, recognizing how I am feeling in the moment, re-vamping areas of my life that feel overwhelming and recognizing the things that give me life, joy and peace. These acts of mindfulness and awareness have de-dramatized my life in such a way that it makes it easier to spot (almost instantly) when something is happening around me that seems to be the opposite of what I value the most. 

Photo Credit: tinybuddha.com

I am grateful for the 6 month break when the new season of The Bachelor will begin airing...hopefully the time off will allow me time to decompress from the chaos that was this season. Truth be told, I don’t foresee anytime in the near-ish future that I would stop watching this show altogether! That being said, knowing how this show has the potential to decrease my desire for peaceful living will now become a sort of filter and may even mean shutting the TV off when I need to—trusting that perhaps my mental sanity is more important than having an episode to dissect at the water cooler the next morning (…not that I have a water cooler, but you get what I mean!)







©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Unlovable?

Photo Credit: usmagazine.com

The entire season of the Bachelorette has led up to the most recent and amazing episode. Yes, yes, I know that the finale is next week where we are sure to be faced with the “most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history…”, but the episode I am excited for all season is the "Tell All" in which so many questions are answered, there is a free for all in terms of topic, unfiltered comments and we are privy to some off camera antics that we were not aware of during the season. And considering how much drama covered this season, it was sure to be a doozy. I am not joking when I say that one of my bucket list items is to go to a taping of a Tell All...the actual taping lasts sometimes 8-10 hours and we only get to see about an hour and forty minutes...but, I'll take what I can get!

There are many different directions I have thought about writing about in response to the most recent episode: how often people's hatred behind a computer screen seems to disregard the humanity, emotions and soul of the one they are berating... how so many of the guys who barely spoke a full sentence during the season stole the spotlight with their opinions (which, in my opinion were not only not well formulated, but lacking in actual experiences with Kaitlyn to be able to accurately assess the situation…) to the love or hate relationship that people have with our Bachelorette based on a few moments they spend with her each week on TV with about 7 million other people watching. But, lest I hop down a few too many bunny trails, there were a few moments of truth and honesty that, regardless if they were 'made for TV moments', ignited a very eerie sense of "...I know exactly what he is talking about because I am terrified of that too..."

Let me introduce you to Ben Higgins, a 26 year old from Denver who is also likely to be the next Bachelor (thank you lord!) He came in third place, right behind the two kings of drama—Nick and Shawn—but throughout the season carried himself with poise, certainty, sensitivity, confidence and a sort of groundedness that is not only rare for a 26 year old but you could almost feel coming through the TV screen. If only he were 10 years older and lived closer to me...a girl can dream! As we re-watched his "journey" on the Bachelorette there was a replay of a heart tugging moment in which he confesses to Kaitlyn that he fears that there is something wrong with him and that he is unlovable.

Photo Credit: starpulse.com

I remember the statement when he originally said it but it really caught my attention when it was replayed last night—perhaps because as we were watching the replay, Ben's face was shown at the bottom of the screen and we got to see his own reactions to the things that he said and what Kaitlyn said to him. A hush seemed to fall over the audience as Ben's comment of wondering if he was unlovable was where we were left hanging in the clip of him that was shown. Chris Harrison, the host and wanna-be therapist, didn't miss a beat and immediately asked Ben if he really felt that way. (And I would imagine there were probably a hundred women who were ready to come to his rescue and profess to him how lovable he actually was, but I digress.) 

In his usual concise and confident manner, Ben answered that he indeed did wonder about that and that it was a legitimate fear of his. He then added on that if he had to guess, he didn't think there would be anyone who at some point didn't wonder if there was something wrong with them or if they were unlovable. Too bad he couldn't see me raising my hand and pointing at myself as he articulated that comment. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know so keenly how real a fear like that is. 

That thought of “what is wrong with me” is such a devastating thought. It automatically provides me with a downward spiral of focusing on all of the things that are wrong with me that I need to fix (which are, of course, very subjective given the day or season, the meal I just ate or the workout class that I just skipped) in order to not only have nothing wrong with me but to make myself a lovable person. It’s easy to get caught up bargaining with myself with those if/then statements as I try to find all of the tangible ways to improve myself in order to be loved. And truth be told, focusing on this doesn’t lead to productive activity, it only sinks me further into that pit of shame. 

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Those thoughts are also triggered within me when a relationship ends, when I feel forgotten about or when it seems as though I am invisible. It’s only natural, for me, in those moments to wonder if there is something so unappealing about me that is clear to the world and hidden to me. And, because most of the time people who leave our lives (or the ones we feel forgot us) don’t give us an explanation as to their actions, we are left to surmise what happened and put into place an action plan to ensure this type of thing won’t happen again. Surely, we believe—I believe—this will take away the hurt and the pain. Surely this will keep pushing me into the lovable category. 

I’ve thought a lot about this concept of feeling alone, wondering if there is something wrong with me and feeling unloveable. We are living in a world where connection—to others, to information, to other cultures—are all just a click away. And yet more than ever people are feeling lonelier, more depressed and disconnected from actual people. In my opinion, this has to fuel the daunting thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me! My Twitter followers don’t offer to hang out on a lonely Friday night, my obsession with amazon.com only provides me with a mail carrier that likely thinks I am a compulsive shopper and while Tinder tells me I could likely have a one-night-stand with anyone of my choice, the offer doesn’t come with a guarantee that he will still be there the next day when I realize that I am still asking those same daunting questions. 

As an introvert by nature, I do not readily gravitate towards large social situations or seek to place myself in situations where I know no one (or have to make lots of small talk!) It’s easy for me to not only justify but need a night in with a good book or binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I have come to realize that part of who I am sometimes requires those things—the down time in order to re-fuel for whatever the next day or week beholds. But as much as I adore Lorelai and Rory Gilmore and as fascinated as I am by the memoirs I read, as soon as I shut the TV off or close the book, I cannot deny that I have gone hours perhaps without any real human connection. Nor can I deny that when I check my phone I see no missed texts or phone calls. I should probably seriously consider a rent-a-friend program to get me out and about! 

If Ben H., the good looking, successful, outstanding Bachelor-to-be can struggle with wondering what is wrong with him and questioning his lovability and the same is true for me then surely there are many other people who have this hidden struggle as well.

Photo Credit: solpurpose.com 

And if not, then someone please introduce me to Ben H. so we can spend our days affirming and loving each other! 

We will all have experiences of someone not feeling the same way as we do. We will likely experience very real things that need to be worked on in our lives in order to make us a healthier and more whole person. We will get hurt, we will experience heartache, we will have those moments of disbelief or even pain as we grow. I know that the mere commonality of this human experience in most of us certainly doesn’t solve all of the problems to feeling unlovable or questions of what is wrong—but I do think that sometimes knowing that you are not alone can alleviate some of the shame and pressure. To know that there are other people who can be deeply empathetic with us if we would allow ourselves to courageously connect to another is healing in and of itself. Knowing there are other people who feel the same way might allow us to bravely engage with another, face our insecurities and take a risk towards fullness of life that, maybe…just maybe, might allow us to come to the reality that not only is there nothing wrong with us but that we matter and are loved by many. 

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

The Bachelorette, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Me (...and You)

Do you know what I have been doing for the last 24 hours in my spare moments? Trying to figure out how on earth I could find any redeeming moments from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette…even a resemblance of a redeeming moment would have been good. To be clear, there were a couple of respectable moments in which trust was built, people were honest and authentic and people having others’ best interests at heart, but outside of those rare little gems, it was another one of those “what did I just watch?” type episodes. I love me some good train wreck moments and drama but this is nearly overwhelming!

So, as I was thinking through what could be redeemable and applicable to write about I kept coming back to one of my favorite movies, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I probably shouldn’t share this with you but when the movie came out I saw it a couple times in the theater and then watched it every day for several days in a row when it came out on DVD. (I think I had a problem…) If you haven’t seen the movie it’s about 2 characters who, for work purposes, end up dating each other as a dare (unbeknownst to the other)—Ben’s goal was to try to get Andi to fall in love with him; Andi’s goal is to start dating a guy and, using all of the stereotypical and cliche female behaviors that tend to turn guys off, see if she could lose him in 10 days. And you can imagine what ensues:

Photo Credit: pintrest.com

In some ways this movie is not too far off from the Bachelorette. Relationships that happen quickly, people's lives intertwined in a remarkably fast amount of time, a flood of emotions and the contestants playing the role of both Ben and Andi--trying to make the Lead fall in love with them while simultaneously (at time) pushing them away with their franticness to be seen as "husband material" or "wife material". (What is that anyways?!?) The one thing that we can count on is…you guessed it, drama. And sometimes this doesn’t feel too far from our lives as well; playing the dating game is this mixture of playing hard to get, putting yourself out there, a roller coaster of emotions, hypersensitivity and walls. In the movie, on the Bachelorette and in real life I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not intentionally or not, brought drama into the relationship. Sometimes it feeds our need for reassurance, sometimes it shows us the commitment level of the other person; sometimes we even do it to see if that other person can handle the good, bad and ugly that we inevitably bring to the table. 

Since Ben and Andi (in the movie) have 10 days to try and make this work, they often rush emotions, avoid important conversations and get too deep too quickly. They talk about the future, kids and even meet family within a week of getting to know each other. 

Photo Credit: alexjefferic.tumbler.com

Photo Credit: topsiteminecraft.com

Sound familiar? This is the literal description of the Bachelor/ette! People frantically trying to secure their spot with the Lead by putting themselves out there and sharing insane (and typically inappropriate) information about themselves in order to appeal to the person handing out the roses. Within mere weeks of meeting each other the Bachelorette must pick four men who's families she would like to meet. Serious conversations are had about what their future would look like together, if they want kids, where they would live and many other topics that, in my personal opinion, seem to be a bit hastily discussed, especially when the lead is still dating several other men at the same time! But really, haven’t you and I ever done this? I’ve talked before about earning the right to hear my story in a previous blog. Sadly, those conclusions I [finally] came to were born out of significant trial and error, most of it due to believing that if I could share enough of my story to this other person then perhaps they would see the real me, understand me and ultimately fall in love with me. While there were many times that the reason I shared so much of my story was because someone asked, their mere asking did not mean they needed to hear intimate details of my life. The fact of the matter is, too much too soon typically tends to overwhelm the other person (or you, if you’re on the receiving end) and before you know it, they’re gone!

Much of the drama around this season of the Bachelorette has been in regards to Kaitlyn’s personal choices and values around sex. We are all well aware by now that Kaitlyn was sexually intimate with one of the contestants, Nick, prior to the Fantasy Suite dates (where of course it is simply expected that the Bachelor/ette will sleep with each of the remaining three). For Ben and Andi on the movie it was on day three or four of knowing each other. In the case of Ben and Andi, sex was appealing thing to engage in to avoid a tough conversation. In the world of the Bachelorette sex is, for the most part, expected when you get to a certain point (Fantasy Suites) regardless of the actual time you have spent with someone (never mind this time being spent on camera where I would imagine it would be difficult to truly get to know each other since there is the underlying notion that any or all of it could be shared with a national audience!)

Photo Credit: pintrest.com

My point is definitely not to throw judgement or my own sexual ethics and values out and say there is a certain way things need to be done. However, evidenced by the conversation Kaitlyn and Shawn had and the verbal brawl between Nick and Shawn over this same subject (of course, To Be Continued for next week…ugh…) it may be that delving into that area of a relationship too quickly (again, this can be subjective to each person) creates circumstances that are difficult to recover from. I mean heck, Ben and Andi were in couples therapy two days after they attempted being sexually involved with one another! Personally I have experiences of dating at both ends of the spectrum. Over a decade ago, for me, relationships looked a very specific way with a prescribed set of rules on how the relationship should go, including strict rules regarding physicality in a relationship (anything more than hand holding or a kiss on the cheek was frowned upon--certainly sex before marriage was considered to be a grave sin that one could likely never recover from). Entering the dating world again after leaving that culture behind opened my eyes to a completely different way of dating with completely different rules. For starters, there are no rules. Secondly, I learned that most people considered it incredibly normal and important to have sex by the 2nd or 3rd date. This is a far cry from the culture I grew up in! People say this is to see if there really is sexual compatibility and chemistry (which I agree are very important!) but it is devoid of an emotional connection and significant time spent together. In my experiences (including hearing stories of other people), generally rushing into sex within a few days or a week of getting to know someone tends to be, like Ben and Andi and the Bachelorette, difficult to recover from. 

One of my favorite parts of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, is the scene towards the end where Ben and Andi have a ‘musical snack’ for the crowd at a gala for Ben’s company. Of course by this point the truth has come out regarding both Ben and Andi’s true intention (despite the fact that, in true rom-com form, they are actually starting to fall for each other). Since they are so mad at each other their musical number is changed into singing to each other while sarcastically bashing one another. 

Photo Credit: soyouthinkyoucanwrite.com

I mean, if this isn't the theme of this dramatic season, then I don’t know what is! Besides the conversations surrounding Kaitlyn’s sexual activity, a major theme of the show has been guys backstabbing each other, guys complaining to Kaitlyn about other guys, guys telling Kaitlyn very disrespectful things about her and other guys actually encouraging guys to say those atrocious comments to Kaitlyn in the spirit of “letting her know how you truly feel” (I’m looking at you Nick Viall…). Usually this has happened when a guy has sensed that he was on his way out anyways—the floodgates opened as they had nothing to lose and it left Kaitlyn and many others scratching their heads in confusion. Though I have already addressed this  concept in a previous blog, it seems to be affirmed as true the further we get into this season. When Ben and Andi sang to each other it was an attempt to out the other person, share dirty laundry and have the last word in order to come out on top--fearing they would be devastated otherwise. Sadly there have been times where I knew a relationship was sinking quickly I said very mean things (usually packaged in a passive-aggressive manner) in order to save face. Unfortunately I have also been in the seat, many times, of having those mean things said to me by the other person in the relationship who is trying to save his face. Essentially the cliffhanger on this most recent episode was two guys verbally battling it out in order to make themselves look better and hopefully secure a long lasting relationship with Kaitlyn. It's human nature to want to protect ourselves if we feel threatened or in danger (even if it's not physical danger) we see it with Kaitlyn and her guys, Ben and Andi, and I see it in myself. Maybe you do too...?

I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie this all up and send you off with something profound to reflect on (of course, I never actually assume that!) In truth this episode seemed a bit dark and heavy and perhaps this is my attempt at bringing lightheartedness to some very awkward situations that can touch our lives as well. And maybe that’s what we all needed—at least it lets us catch our breath! Nevertheless…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

No Fear in the Moment

Photo Credit: etonline.com

Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

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Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.