Monica Lewinsky & Kaitlyn Bristowe

A couple of months ago I watched a TED talk by Monica Lewinsky. Yes, the Monica Lewinsky who had a sexual relationship with President Bill Clinton. I was a brand new teenager when all of this happened—I still had a landline phone and I felt pretty confident that this Internet thing was just a phase that would die off within the decade. Prior to the scandal breaking, news was delivered to the public via newspapers, magazines and TV News shows. The relationship between President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky was one of the first major stories to also be covered by the internet—meaning that people had, at their fingertips a myriad of information from various sources who didn’t necessarily need to fact check or adhere to rules of journalism. 

While there were people who urged President Clinton to step down from his position or even called for him to be impeached, most of the heat fell upon Monica regarding the type of "horrible person” she was. People could not believe that she had slept with the president, that she would believe that she could get a man like the him to be sexually attracted to her. People assumed the worst of her and her intentions, they judged her and sentenced her without even knowing who she was or perhaps even the full story! 

In all of this no one seemed to care to stand in her shoes  to understand what it was like for her or to feel what it was like to be the recipient of such hate and judgementalism. She was a young girl who fell in love with her boss. It just so happened that her boss was the President of the United States. Her story is not that uncommon. Work relationships, extramarital affairs, hook ups, all of these things happen and for the most part and stay behind closed doors. But not for Monica. She was paraded across the nation as a vixen, a whore, slut, a marriage-wrecker  and a villain. Essentially, she was the first person who was publicly slut shamed. 

This entire season of the Bachelorette has been one of much controversy and drama. From the beginning of the show we were shown a trailer of particular instances that we could expect to see this season.  Within that clip we came to understand that Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the men she is dating prior to the Fantasy Suite. Within minutes of this foreshadowing, social media and the Internet lit up with horrid comments about Kaitlyn being a slut. Nationally and publicly she was torn down by myriad of individuals as well as media outlets for the things she engaged as her time on the Bachelorette. While there have been many people who have spoken out on her behalf, it still stands to reason that there are many people who have severe disagreements or judgment with the way that Kaitlyn behaved and handled certain relationships. Unfortunately, these same people believe that it is their right and even responsibility to let everyone else know what they feel and tear Kaitlyn down.

While Kaitlyn herself readily admitted she did not think through all of the potential consequences of her actions, she makes a profound statement when she says, "I made a mistake but that does not make me a bad person”. I couldn't agree more!

Let's be honest, the way the dating culture is nowadays includes a lot more one night stands and random hookups and perhaps 10, 20 or 50 years ago. I'm not saying it's the healthiest way to do relationships or to engage in sexuality, but we can't deny the reality that this is what it is. Nor can we deny that people can (and should) make their own choices for themselves without constantly having to wonder what others think. What Kaitlyn did with that particular date was no different than what many of us do on our own dates in our own personal lives. But let’s boil it down even further here. It is common knowledge, if you have watched the Bachelor for any length of time, that the lead sleeps with, on average 3-5 people throughout the season. Sometimes more, sometimes less. So while Kaitlyn was the one that admitted it, this is not new territory for the show. 

What the real controversy seems to be here is the way that the woman acted in this situation (let us not forget that it takes two to tango). Last season Farmer Chis and Britt “took a nap” together (it’s still uncertain if they had sex) and Britt was the one who received heat for what had taken place. And let’s not forget about Juan Pablo and Clare’s ocean escapades where not only the social media nation but Juan Pablo himself put the blame, responsibility and shame on Clare. The question I am asking is certainly not a new one but why is it that when women engage in sexuality she is condemned as a slut but when a man does the same thing it is not paid attention to, brushed by the wayside or even given a heroes welcome? Even President Clinton got off scot-free; Monica Lewinsky was the one who took the fall despite the fact that he was not only there but participating as well. 

“Public shaming, as a blood sport has got to stop” was one of the most touching line’s from Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. We live in a society today that, right, wrong or otherwise is highly connected and information passes quickly. We live in a society where the protection of our phone screen or computer screen somehow gives us permission to say incredibly nasty and hurtful things about one another without giving it a second thought. We live in a society that somehow has made public shaming acceptable, humorous and something people actually strive for. We live in a society where people still believe that there is a difference if a woman chooses to be sexual with someone than if a man does. 

Sure, Kaitlyn may have made a mistake in not thinking through the impact of her choices, but I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a mistake where we too have had to ‘suffer the consequences’ of not thinking things through to completion. So keeping this in mind, would it really be so hard to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves? Would it be that difficult to not say anything at all if you can’t say something nice (I mean we are going back to kindergarten principles here people!) Could it be that we could use our own mistakes or misjudgments as a way to give us empathy that allows us to encourage others, empower others and care for others? 

And a special note to the women out there: We’ve got it hard already. We judge ourselves, compare ourselves and are constantly feeling pressure to measure up to an unattainable ideal. Must we make it harder on other women as they go through the same process? Do we really need to divide ourselves over petty disagreements or differences in choice? Or could we fight for each other and celebrate with each other? Could we cry with each other when we need to and laugh with each other when those moments call for it? Could we look into the pain of another woman’s eyes and mirror back our own in order to extend empathy and connection? I think it’s worth a shot…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Girls who have their $*!# together

I’m starting to feel like a broken record every week as I do my “Therapeutic Bachelorette Recaps” as I talk about the insane amount of drama on this season. If someone knows who I can contact to be the show’s therapist, please let me know; I would

Photo Credit: USWeekly.com

love to know what is going through the men’s heads as they say and do certain things! Weeding through the drama to find some sort of redeemable and universal relationship lesson has been no easy task but after sleeping on it there was something very familiar about last night’s episode that I have experienced many times in my adventure of dating—and I could guess that many of you have too. 

First, let me introduce you to Ian. Since night one  he has made it very clear that he was on the show for Kaitlyn (and not Britt). As he tells us his backstory that got him to this point, I think most of America’s hearts melted as we heard about a tragic accident he had with a prognosis of never being able to walk again (and he now runs marathons), quite the impeccable resume, graduated Princeton, used to model, is a good looking guy for sure and seems incredibly genuine and interested in finding someone to spend his life with. But despite all these accolades, Ian seems to fall into the background each episode. We see him and hear him from time to time, but the drama of the house has either severely overshadowed him or he has made it a point to hang back (or both). Nevertheless, Ian is painted as a guy who is there for, pardon the cliche, “the right reasons”. 

Well, until last night. 

Ian has finally had enough of this “in the background stuff” and lets production know that he is never the guy who hangs in the back of the pack. He’s confident, charming, can get any girl he wants (and even goes so far to say as he has a lot of sex with a lot of girls) and reiterates his resume, education, accolades and the fact that he has defied death. We hear from him that Kaitlyn is only half as hot as his ex-girlfriend and that he would be a perfect candidate for the next Bachelor.(Click the link for the video/his statements...it's pretty crazy!) In the final scene of the episode last night we see Ian asking Kaitlyn to talk at the Cocktail Party (before the Rose Ceremony) and he lays into her. He tells Kaitlyn that he expected to come into this situation with someone who was shattered and had just had her heart broken rather than looking for someone to ‘plow her field’ (bringing in a joke that she made from last season), that she was a shallow person and didn’t go beneath the surface, that he didn’t trust her or her intentions and was just there to make out with a bunch of guys. And then…To Be Continued. 

As I picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to process through what just happened, words would just not come to me. Normally after the show is over I filter through the different things that I could possibly write about but not last night…last night I had to shove it under the rug per say and start reading a lighthearted book before I went to bed! As I was on my way to my office this morning it suddenly hit me that the reason I was so stunned by these accusations towards Kaitlyn from Ian is because I have had, on multiple occasions, things like that said to me. 

Photo Credit: thinkpynk.com

There’s this interesting thing about being single after 30—if we’ve been diligent we have likely gone to school and have a degree or two under our belts. We have likely established ourselves in our careers. We’ve probably been around the block a time or two with less than great relationships and learned how to pick ourselves back up, grieve, come to a place of acceptance and even learn from our mistakes in order to make us a better person. Maybe we have even had some great relationships that show us what we want. Perhaps we have done our own self work, we likely have our finances in order, we have learned to minimize the baggage we bring into relationships and started to understand what our triggers are, the things that are the most valuable to us and have thoughts and opinions on how life should be. We have learned how to be self-sufficient and independent and determined the difference between needing a partner and wanting a partner. It’s not that you can’t have those things before you are in your 30’s, it’s just that most of the time these things come with the territory of being in your 30’s (and above) and single (or single again). 

What I have learned in my dating experiences is that as much as a guy is attracted to the independence, self-sufficiency and self-knowledge these also are the things that can feel like a major threat. Ian’s statement last night “I thought you were going to come into this a shattered person after Chris Soules broke your heart…” suggests that he was looking for a woman that he could save, come to the rescue and be her hero. Finding out that those things were not what she needed can be a blow to the ego and causes one to have to reevaluate what the relationship is, including his own role in it. 

Many of the reasons that relationships I’ve been in that have deteriorated have been for those reasons: the guy is looking to be my knight in shining armor and I’m looking for someone to do life with. I’ve had conversations in which “he” (whomever I was dating at the time) was put off by the fact that I could easily financially support myself or that I made more money than him. I’ve had accusations thrown at me that I am psychoanalyzing “him” simply because I bring up something that is bothering me. I’ve dated guys who, after hearing bits and pieces of my story, want to be the hero of the situation in putting me back together and struggle when I a) don’t need them to put me back together or b) don’t want them to put me back together. I’ve been told that I am intimidating because of my educational degrees, the fact that I have built a business or that I am motivated to get things done. Each of these mentions of intimidations comes with a slew of excuses or accusations about who that person thinks I am because I don’t match the picture of who they thought I should be or who they wanted me to be. 

Photo Credit: pintrest.com

When they find out that I don’t need them but rather just want them (which I think is way healthier anyways), it puts them into a frenzy of having to then determine if they can stay in a relationship with someone who is generally doing ok. And what I’ve come to find out is that guys really don’t like that. Ian really didn’t like that. In fact, I would tend to believe that guys might see that as a threat. I think Ian did. And you know what we do when we feel threatened? We defend ourselves. We say whatever we need to say, no matter how untrue or asinine it might be, we throw accusations, we puff ourselves up, we blame the other person, shift responsibility all in an effort to make ourselves feel better (and if we’re being honest here, this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationship settings, this can happen in all types of relationships).

Though I don’t know how the conversation between Ian and Kaitlyn ended (hence the “To Be Continued…”) knowing how Kaitlyn has conducted herself with the guys this season, she likely will reiterate that she is looking for a husband who encompasses the things that she values. And I don’t think she will be apologetic about not being the type of girl that Ian wants, even needs, her to be. Major props for that! 

Photo Credit: thefairjilt.com

I used to think I needed to apologize for who I was, the things that I had accomplished or the successes that I worked hard to achieve in my life. Certainly I don’t want to come across boastful (or even intimidating, on purpose) to anyone, but to have to dial myself back in order to be the type of person that someone else needs me to be in order for them to feel comfortable and competent is codependency defined. Plus, I don’t want (nor do I think Kaitlyn wants) a guy who is intimidated by me or looks on me with pity in need of a savior. 

Be you. Unapologetically. A guy who is intimidated by a girl who has their shit together doesn’t deserve a rose anyways. 

Squirming in my Seat

Photo Credit: amandatalkstv.com

Well, we’re back to the therapeutic Bachelorette blogs! There are a lot of interesting dynamics in this season. If you’ve watched the show for any length of time it’s easy to see that Kaitlyn is a very different type of Bachelorette. She marches to the beat of her own drum, has a backbone, goes with her gut instincts and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone! In many ways, I think there are some pretty desirable qualities. Besides these things, we see her struggle through different decisions. She’s messy, she’s honest, she’s real and she doesn’t try to look like she has it all together, even in front of the guys. I’d say that’s about as authentic as you can get on a reality TV show! 

The season though has been characterized by one dramatic situation after another, and there seems to be no end in sight. Last night’s episode began and ended with it—and had me tweeting to the producers of the Bachelor to do an “after dark” segment (like the popular reality TV show “Big Brother”) so we can see what goes on behind the scenes! (I think I might need help…are there any support groups for people who care too much about the Bachelor?!?) 

So just as we think that things are finally about to slow down and return to the normal level of Bachelorette drama, another guy shows up on the scene and asks Kaitlyn if he can join the crew of guys who are pursuing her. But it’s not just any guy. Its Nick Viall (pronounced “vile”…which should tell you a bit about his character right off the bat.) This is the guy who was runner up on the last season of the Bachelorette (with Andi)—the same guy who publicized and shamed her in front of a national audience for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite. The same guy who stalked her all over the country trying to see if she would break up with the other guy and pursue the relationship with him. It’s all a little creepy to me. 

So Nick shows up.. and shakes things up. And shake things up, he did (and more than just my Bachelorette bracket for the season!) His presence literally shifted the entire dynamic of the episode (and the Twitterverse) and literally made me feel anxious as a viewer at home! What added to the drama was Kaitlyn’s own dilemma of what she should do. Should she let him stay? Should she send him home? What would the other guys think? Would she lose credibility? #firstworldproblems at its finest! 

Photo Credit: Yahoo Entertainment

Throughout the episode we see her struggling to make this choice and all of her relationships with the guys this week are overshadowed by this other presence that is Nick Viall. I admit, I had a soft spot for Nick (at times) when he was on Andi's season. He didn't really care what the other guys thought and pursued her with an incredible amount of intent. I can appreciate that in a guy. But he had a creepy side to him—so much that you could almost feel it through the TV...his hidden grin, the way he spoke, the disinterest in making nice with guys in the house...it all seemed...off. Calculated. Like he had studied the "game" of the Bachelorette. Ok, enough about Nick. Nick is just doing what Nick does. 

However, Kaitlyn can't stop thinking about Nick, because she's not sure what to do. And because there was instant chemistry between them. And because she doesn't want the guys to think badly of her. And because she thinks there is maybe a possibility with Nick. She thinks about this so much that she brings it up with several guys during their one on one time with her. And, like I said above, while I can appreciate the authenticity of the struggle it was a little bit awkward to watch. She asked guys for their input, their feedback, what they thought of him in general and if she thought she should respond positively to his request to join the show. If the camera would have panned out, I’m sure we would have seen a lot of guys squirming. 

There were many moments where she asked the men to reassure her that they trusted what they had together despite the addition of another guy. 

And every time she went there with the guys, I kept thinking that this would be one of my worst nightmares! I can't even count the number of times I have been talking with a guy, thinking about him, hoping for a relationship and believing that it could happen only to have the "friend card" pulled, or even worse find out that while I am drooling over him,  his mind is off in another universe with another woman. It's terrible! And what makes it even worse is that I then have to sit and convince myself and the other person that everything is fine, when really I just want to crawl underneath the table and hide. (Not gonna lie, there was one time where I was sitting on a couch and a conversation like this happened and I literally did hide. Under a blanket. Don’t worry, I’ve fleshed it all out in therapy.) 

Photo Credit: niusnews.com

I understand that this is all part of a made-for-TV drama, but the struggle is real people! It’s disheartening to feel that what you have with someone—the relationship you share with them—might not be enough to keep that person from looking at someone else with interest, admiration and curiosity towards the possibility of what could be! This, in part (along with a laundry list of other reasons) is why I would never, ever, wish to be on a show like that. Every deep fear, insecurity and vulnerability would be regularly tapped into and exposed and I don’t know if my little heart could handle it. 

So the realistic tie-in between reality TV and real life is there, but finding something redeeming out of it is a bit harder. Honestly, it’s not easy to stay out of the “poor-me-pity-cycle”. It’s much easier to take on the anxiety and desperation of the guys on the show and question everything about myself and what I thought was true. But I really don’t think that gets us anywhere. I think that only makes us more anxious, more depressed and more likely to sit in a space of shame. Asking yourself what you could have done better when someone else tells you that it’s “not you”, can sometimes be a dangerous spot! 

Photo Credit: Yours Truly

The thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over comes from a little catch phrase  from a guy named Chip Dodd. He says, “tell the truth, feel your feelings and trust the process”. And I guess that’s the redeemable point for this blog as well. Keeping our feelings hidden, not allowing ourself to speak and feel our truth is what can exacerbate the emotions that we are trying so hard to avoid. Trusting the process might mean that in telling my truth I might find that I need something different than the option I am relentlessly pursuing right now. Or it might mean that I need to stay right here and ride this thing out. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s completely up to you. But it’s helpful to know that whatever you do decide CAN come from a place of honesty, authenticity and freedom rather than avoidance, numbing and denial. 

So, to Kaitlyn’s guys (and pretty much everyone else!), I get it. I get where you’re at. I get the frustration of having no stable ground to rest in, knowing that at any moment she could dissolve the relationship for someone who she is more compatible with. I know what it’s like to feel like your relationship is one thing and then find out that it’s not. I get it. Tell the truth. Feel your feelings. Trust the process. 

(And P.S. Nick…I think you might need to see someone about these stalker-like tendencies for women who are the Bachelorette… Oh, and Chris, Shawn, Daniel and Brady, if you wanna do a processing group therapy here in Nashville, I would be happy to facilitate!)

© 2015. Lainey Dreson. All Rights Reserved. 

Caitlyn is Free

I think I am currently going through a Bachelorette Hangover…never, in all of the seasons that I have watched, have the GUYS been so dramatic. It’s downright crazy. As I watched the episode I picked out three potential themes of what I would write on today—Kaitlyn having a backbone and standing up for herself…the narcissistic expectations of certain men (…ya know the ones who use the phrase “villains gotta vill”…yes, I am looking at you, Clint and JJ), or even Ben Z.’s heart tugging story of his mother’s death and his incessant need to be strong for everyone—even going 11 years without shedding a tear. Lots of great fodder for a blog that can tie reality TV to real life!

Photo Credit: trendingcurrentevents.com

But I am not going to write about any of that today. Instead I want to write about another reality TV star who has not only been receiving a lot of public attention lately but who’s story has made a heartfelt impact on me in a way that I never expected. I’m talking about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as the World’s Greatest Athlete and American Hero, Bruce Jenner. I know that this has lead to many controversies on social media, news forums, coffee shop talks and dinner discussions so I want to be clear when I say that controversy is not what I am interested in and to that extent I would hope that you can see past personal preferences and beliefs, whatever they might be and see the heart of what I am getting at here. 

When the Diane Sawyer 20/20 interview aired last month there were several points that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart burst with joy. Throughout the interview Bruce (as he asked to be referred to throughout the interview) shared stories of confusion, pain, heartache and fear; he shared with the world the different coping mechanisms he used, the ways he would try to fix himself and how he would, in many ways, just kinda numb out. He spoke, with heartfelt sincerity, how most of his life he felt trapped and living a lie; unable to be who he wanted to be, who he knew he was—his true, authentic self. 

To be clear, I have never faced the struggle of feeling like I was born with the wrong body (well, that’s a lie…often times I wish I could have the type of body that thinks about losing weight and then the weight just falls off…a girl can dream). I have no idea what it’s like to feel trapped inside my own body, knowing that I was destined to be a different gender. But I do know what it’s like to feel trapped. I know what it’s like to feel as though you have to hide parts of yourself to gain the favor of others, to abide by pre-set expectations, to not ruffle feathers and to not make others feel uncomfortable. I know those feelings well. I know what it’s like to have questions that go unasked because of the high risk that goes along with it. I know what it’s like to fake passion when in reality I am going through the motions. I know what it’s like to feel that someone else’s expectations of you stifle the person you know you can be, the person you want to be—the person that you should be. I know what it's like to feel like I am living a lie—to say I believe, think, act and feel one way when in reality I believe, think, act and feel completely different. 

Photo Credit: genius.com 

Many years of my life were spent battling internally, trying to convince myself that the way I was being taught to live was actually the “right way”, when in reality I knew it was not. Too many relationships were governed by the fear that if I did not do something their way that I would be rejected, betrayed and discarded. The morals, beliefs, values and theology that dictated my life made me feel like I was wearing a dress that I had grown out of years ago. I spent decades of my life feeling trapped in someone else’s world—a world that never fit for me. 

I would say there is some common human experience that binds us together when it comes to feeling trapped—I don’t think it’s an over generalization to say that we have all felt trapped at one time or another. Perhaps it’s feeling trapped by family expectations or the desire to be the exact opposite of your family (therefore never being able to just be you). Perhaps it’s a marriage or a relationship or a friendship that day after day sucks the life out of you but you feel trapped and helpless to do anything else. Maybe it’s a church tradition or a theology that you must conform to at the risk of being excommunicated. You might feel trapped in a job or career that drains you every day but you feel you have no options to change. Perhaps you feel trapped by secrets of the past, experiences that you have been a part of or choices you have made. And maybe that entrapment feeling comes from feeling like who you are doesn’t match the anatomical set up that you were born with. Though there are varying degrees of impact, those feelings of helplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, being trapped and wishing that things could be different weaves us together and gives us an empathetic common ground. 

Yesterday the first picture of Caitlyn Jenner was released to the world—she is on the cover of the next issue of Vanity Fair and she is stunning. Reading the various articles that Vanity Fair published about this photo shoot was fascinating but one struck me as particularly poignant with it’s headline: “Caitlyn is free”. I am not ashamed to admit that my breath was taken away and I shed a couple of tears as I saw her picture and read that headline. Freedom. Something so many of us take for granted and yet something that we often don’t give ourselves permission to feel. Sometimes we don’t even realized how trapped we were until we actually experience freedom. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be your authentic self. Freedom to live out of the truest form of you regardless of the chatter behind your back. The process of gaining freedom does not always come easy; many times the path towards freedom breeds pain as we shed layers and ideals of ourselves, commit to being honest always and sometimes disappoint people, even losing relationships. But, I can say from personal experience and the privilege of bearing witness to many other people's journeys that freedom is always worth the price. The reward of being yourself truly, fully and authentically is beautiful. 

Photo Credit: vanityfair.com

My heart explodes with joy for Caitlyn Jenner. To have the opportunity and the courage to live your life being authentically you is brave, admirable and should be celebrated. May we all use Caitlyn’s example and pursuit of freedom in our own lives, in our own unique ways and pursue freedom with strength, vigor and courage. Freedom. What a gift. 












© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Premature Word Vomit

In so many ways I feel like, even three episodes in, the Bachelorette is proving to be even more drama filled than the Bachelor--ya know the show when 20 women are vying after the same man's heart? I never thought it was possible, but I think we are all in for a surprise! I guess I have underestimated the drama that can ensue when the male ego is at stake! It's a no-holds-barred game of gossip, back stabbing, playing the victim card and resembling a teenage girl when love (or 15 minutes of fame) is on the line for the men of the Bachelorette!

I know, full well, that the show is scripted and that it's not a realistic interpretation or situation in which relationships are born and nurtured...all you need to do is look at the success rate of the show to figure that out. But I also know that even on a show where contracts are signed and you must agree to however the producers what to edit your 'character', you still have a choice of what to say or how much to say. No one is forcing words and stories out of your mouth. 

As I sat and watched the Bachelorette last night and heard these guys pour out their hearts, their traumas, their losses and their passions, despite the lack of an open bar and a camera crew in my face I almost felt like we were peering in on my dating life (ok, ok...there were other differences too...I don't have a hair or make up team, I don't have 20 guys waiting for me in the next room when I am done taking to someone else nor do I have unlimited access to exotic and amazing dates...to name a few things). What I mean though is watching those guys open up so fast about so much felt like every date that I have been on in the past few months. 

I call it my Jedi Mind Trick...some people wish they had super powers of being able to fly or teleport...or to, like Mel Gibson on "What Women Want", get inside a woman's head to know what she is thinking. I have this super power of looking at a guy, listening to a guy or even being in the same room as a guy and I somehow end up in a conversation that ends with me knowing about their crazy ex wife, their kids, their fears or some bit of personal information that, if the tables were turned, I would likely not disclose until we were in an established relationship. Like the men on the Bachelorette, these guys are vomiting their deepest insecurities and parts of themselves to me, a perfect stranger, as they gaze back at me with hopeful eyes looking for approval, acceptance or some sort of indication that I am into them. Sometimes I wonder if there is some sign above me that says "please, tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets (even if I just met you in the check frozen fruit aisle at Kroger)". (And yes, that actually has happened.)

I have often wondered if this is a new fangled tactic to get into my pants...perhaps the old pick up lines and sweet nothings being whispered into my ears are no longer cutting it. Perhaps guys have finally hear women's desires for an emotional connection before a physical connection and this is their attempt. Perhaps they think that by spilling their story I, or the Bachelorette, will get swept up in what they are saying and desire to move the relationship to the next, physical, level. (Never mind the fact that when a girl emotionally dumps on a guy when she first meets him it's his cue to run away...and rightfully so!) Regardless, I don't think the guys I have been dating have some producer whispering in their ear what to tell me to encourage some hasty emotional connection. 

I wish I could say that I have come to some definite conclusion on why this is. It gives me comfort at

least to know that it's not just the guys that I date that do it--the guys on the Bachelorette do it too. And of course as soon as I say that I am immediately called back to a myriad of memories in which I have done that as well. No cameras around, no producer coaxing me with questions, but rather a girl who is hopeful and shares way too much with a guy she has just met. A girl who just wants to be known. A girl who hopes that the guy who sits in front of her is maybe different than the rest. Maybe someone she can trust, someone who will take her into consideration, someone who will connect to her story, see her for who she truly is and fall in love with her heart. 

There is this part of me that believes that not all guys exclusively and only have the intent of having sex with a girl. Call it naive or having the wool pulled over my eyes but I have to believe there are some guys out there who prematurely word vomit because they too want to be known and loved by another. Sometimes it seems like men and women aren't so incredibly different after all...

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved

The Myth About 'Guarding Your Heart'

Growing up, the message I heard consistently about dating was to “guard my heart”…I was told that I didn't want to put myself out there because every time I allowed myself to be smitten with a guy, I was told, a little piece of my heart had been given to them—a piece that I could never get back. I was warned that if I wasn’t careful, when my future husband came along I would only have shreds of my heart left to give him. In fact, I was told that because a marital union meant a husband and wife were one, even if I hadn’t met him if I was dating someone who wasn’t my [future] husband and giving him my heart, emotions, body, time or mental connection that I was actually cheating on my husband. 

One night at youth group we had a speaker from the True Love Wait’s campaign (a ‘campaign’ designed to promote Godly dating and abstinence before marriage). Amidst a few skits and stern mini-sermons one of the speakers started talking about this concept of guarding your heart. In her hands she had two paper hearts cut out of construction paper; she used glue to bind the hearts together and started talking about a relationship in which the boy and girl gave themselves to each other in all ways and became really attached to one another. As she told the story with every mention of attachment and connection she pressed the two paper hearts together a bit more. Inevitably at the end of the story the two went off to college and broke up; the speaker tore the two hearts a part to demonstrate the relationship ending…and her point. Each heart had remnants of the other heart on them, there were holes in the hearts; clearly the hearts were not whole. This is what our hearts would become, or worse, if we didn’t guard them. 

I made ridiculous rules to follow because of this. Initially I said I was going to wait until my wedding day to even kiss someone—not because I really wanted to do that but because I was pressured to; I was told that it would make me more holy and therefore more desirable to a Godly man. I decided too that I wouldn’t tell anyone I loved them except for my husband, which subsequently meant I would need to wait until my wedding day to do that too. I took pride in those things and was applauded by others. 

It took me a lot of years to figure out that many of the things I had learned as a teenager were not necessarily conducive to healthy relationships. Slowly I came to my own conclusions about what I thought was “ok” or “not ok”—based not on someone else’s set of rules but my own experiences and trusting myself to know what was healthy and honoring for me. The one thing I was holding out on was saying “I love you” to someone. It wasn’t that I hadn’t loved anyone; I had been in love a couple of times—I just never said those words.  Sure, I want those words to be special but ultimately I wasn’t saying them because I feared that they would somehow cheapen the words on down the road. Or I feared that if I said them to someone who I later broke up with, I would then be so broken and shredded that I would have nothing left to give. 

I remember a couple conversations with guys that I dated over the years, two stand out in particular, in regards to putting yourself out there. While both understood that it was a risk they spoke of a greater reward that was possible if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. I remember one of them saying, “if you love someone, why wouldn’t you want to just tell them?” I knew he was right and I saw how powerful those words were a couple months later when I spoke them to him as his face lit up, tears ran down his face and he told me how much it meant that I had said that to him. When we broke up I thought I would feel immediate regret for saying those words to someone who I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life with, but I didn’t.

And so, that brings me to the Bachelorette. You didn’t think I would neglect the fact that this show came on again this week, did you? No, my friends, I have been waiting for an embarrassingly long time for the show to begin. I’ll spare you the details of the awkward entrances the first night; I’m not even going to discuss how it made me squirm to “pit” two girls against each other to get the guys to vote for them to be the bachelorette (…talk about my worst nightmare!) I have no problem saying I was rooting for Kaitlyn all the way, despite the fact that a long time acquaintance and old friend, Brady, was on the show vying for Britt’s heart. 

I certainly don’t claim to know either of the girls, nor any of the contestants, sans Brady, and despite the fact that surely people are edited to look a certain way or appear to be a specific character on the show, I do think that with cameras around you all the time it’s difficult for your true self not to come out (even if you are trying to hide it). Britt often times seemed to receive a lot of flack (and even hatred) from people for her wishy-washiness or overly positive and grateful attitude—I admit, I exercise extreme caution with her in trying to understand who she is (while simultaneously maintaining a major hair crush on her as well as noting that her natural beauty, charisma and kindness would be potentially intimidating to me if I was in a room of guys with her!) So while we only see parts of her through TV and social media, there is a consistency in her character in terms of ‘putting herself out there’ and loving without abandon but instead with hopefulness and ernest pursuit. 

Spoiler alert: Britt was not chosen by the guys as the Bachelorette and so in the first few minutes of the two-night premiere we see the news being delivered to her and her exit in the limo she had arrived in just hours before. In her video ITM (In The Moment) as she leaves the Bachelor Mansion she says, heartfelt-ly: 

“I don’t know how many times you have to put your heart there and I’ve never held anything back, what can I do differently? I have a lot of love to give, I really do. And I know that I will when the time was right, I just thought that that was now.”

One could easily think that after being rejected on national TV not once, but twice, she would have every right for cynicism or even walls of protection being built up so that she didn’t get hurt but what seems unique and true to her is that she doesn’t build walls and she doesn’t get cynical. (I say these things knowing fully that I don’t know her and only see about 2% of her life that is edited for a TV show…but just go with me!) She continues to put herself out there, open herself to love and if and when she is let down she uses those experiences to expand her heart and capacity to love the next person. I could imagine that the people who are in her life as her friends and family likely feel very cared for by her since she seems to view loving someone as a gift rather than a risk. 

I don’t know how many times Britt has been in love with someone; I don’t know how many times her heart has been broken. I don’t know if she, growing up, was taught in youth group to guard her heart or give her heart. I only know that what we see of her on TV offers a different perspective of loving someone that I was taught to fear. 

I’m starting to wonder if the act of loving doesn’t take some practice. It strikes me as odd that I was taught that I should only truly be and act loving towards one person—that some how if I kept my love at bay or hidden I could flip a switch and suddenly love someone in a beautiful, authentic and vulnerable way. It strikes me as odd that guarding your heart in order to have a beautiful relationship actually breeds the opposite: walling up, protecting myself and being terrified of being hurt—nearly unable to withstand being hurt even (which is the definition of weakness). Putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, showing your love and being open with another (romantically or otherwise) surely has it’s risks and there will unfortunately (and likely) be times where our love is taken advantage of, misunderstood, not reciprocated or discarded altogether. But then there are those moments where love is returned, where vulnerability is matched, where safe relationship occurs and hearts are healed because of putting yourself out there. I don’t think the two cancel each other out; I think they both affirm the importance of continuing to seek out true love and true relationships. 

Simply stated I am starting to thing think the more you love, the more love you have to give.

Enjoying Apathy

There isn't a doubt in my mind that I would like to be in a relationship—a long term, healthy, mutual and passionate relationship—with a man. Much of my life in the last couple years has been pruning away things in my life so that it is possible to be in such a relationship. But there is this interesting internal phenomenon that is happening inside of me and has been for the last few months—it’s a ridiculously large amount of apathy and disinterest in dating. Though I do not desire to sound prideful, getting a date has never been difficult for me (keeping on is a different story!) I know that if I want to go out with someone, regardless of my motivation, I could find someone by tonight. But it literally has no interest for me. 

I’ve gone through these periods in my life before, but there has always seemed like a purpose. I’ve taken months/seasons off of dating because I needed to work on a specific area of my life or I needed to heal from a previous relationship. I’ve taken time off from dating because I really struggled to believe that there were any good men out there and was actually angry. I’ve even gone through times where I have felt apathetic in dating but even then, the apathy seemed to rise up as a result of one of these other reasons also being present. This time it’s completely different. The thought of going on dates with someone or trying to develop a relationship really feels like the last thing in the world that I would want to do right now. 

I sat with a friend over coffee several weeks ago and discussed this weird experience. I consider her my second mother and know that she wants the best for me but she was shocked to hear this news and said with near horror, “do you think you just don’t want to get married?” I chuckled and assured her that I did still want to get married but there just wasn’t a lot of effort on my end to invest in potential relationships. 

I had to spend some time thinking about her question though—was it possible that I didn’t want to get married? I mean, I’ve had fleeting moments of that thought, and sometimes being married is even difficult to imagine, but generally speaking, my desire to be in a relationships consistently outweighs any of these passing thoughts! It wasn’t adding up however—the desire to be in a relationship but no desire to seek out a relationship. I feared I might be slipping back into my Purity Culture mentality where I need to just be patient and wait for God to send the right guy to my door (like the UPS guy…and I mean, it’s entirely possible since I am pretty sure I have an addiction to shopping on Amazon). Or perhaps it would be like one of those romantic comedy movies where I’m walking down the road reading a book (because, don’t we all do that?) and I bump into a guy who’s doing the same, we reach down to pick up our books, catch each other’s gaze above our thick rimmed glasses and get married a few months later at the local library. 

I chuckle at these scenarios, but in honesty, they aren’t too far off from what I think might need to happen at this point in my life to really think about investing in a relationship. And of course I think about that phrase of “when you’re not looking for it, it will happen”. I’ve tried to live by that slogan a million times before (because maybe, just maybe if I can convince myself that I'm not looking for someone then the Universe will bring someone my way!) but this time it’s the truth! Even the thought of someone coming into my life—even THE one—sounds a a bit annoying! 

For those of you who have journeyed along with me, you’re probably thinking that I must have gone off my rocker. But I assure you, I’m relatively sane! 

What I have come to figure out, however, is that for the first time in my life, I truly don’t think the biggest goal, hope or dream is being in a relationship. I think for so much of my life I have consciously or sub-consciously made this one of my top priorities; it’s always remained as a background motivation for so much of what I do. And while I have never thought that I have needed to reject that motivation, it seems that right now as I live day to day and pursue my goals and dreams, a relationship (even one that ends in marriage) holds no motivating factor at all. 

At the beginning of the year I made the statement that “2015 was my year” without really unpacking what that statement meant…because, truth be told, I had no idea what that meant. I still have no idea what it means fully. One thing I didn’t think it would mean? Having no interest in a relationship! But to be honest, it’s totally fine! What this seems to allow me to do is focus on areas of my life that I am quite passionate about but have never pursued for various reasons and in this I am finding more of myself and truly enjoying life. 

The coolest part about being able to enjoy life like this is that while the desire to have a relationship in the future is not absent, the apathy that I feel right now is not a mask for shame, loneliness or resentment. For whatever reason the apathy towards relationships is allowing me freedom to enter, with gusto, other areas of my life that I can only imagine will serve to further develop who I am. There are still a lot of moments of 2015 left and it’s still possible that some of those moments could be shared with someone else. But maybe not either. Maybe the saying above (that when I’m not looking for love, I’ll find it) is true and maybe it’s not. But for the first time it’s not about that. And my friends, as odd as it sounds, there is so much freedom in that. Truly, 2015 is seeming to be my year!