Your Story is Not You

This week’s episode of the Bachelor has me perplexed. Since the episode ended last night, I have tossed around various ideas of what to write about today…there were certainly a few redeeming moments of the show—when Whitney discussed the importance of being kind to someone even when we didn’t like their actions; when Becca offered empathy and compassion to the Bachelor in the midst of a hard situation. Or when Carly spent time conversing with Chris and asking questions—doing an excellent job of sharing just enough of her heart, experiences and genuine fears in an effort to be known, yet not giving everything away (instead of spending her one-on-one time making out with him.) These were important moments of the night and definitely should not be overlooked. But unfortunately these moments did not stand much of a chance in being some of the pivotal themes of the night due to a few of the other girls’ handling of themselves and their emotions.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, we are introduced to Kelsey at the beginning of the season in a video vignette as she shares with us that she is a widow; her husband passed away abruptly, a mere 18 months ago, due to heart failure. America’s heart went out to this young woman as they embraced her story and her chance to find love again. Kelsey has stayed somewhat in the shadows the entire season, likely due to editing, but has started to make a bit of a name for herself in the past couple episodes which led up to her grand entrance on the episode last night. 

With the other widow being booted off the show in the previous episode, Kelsey now had the most tragic story in the house and she knew it. She began sharing it with the other girls in the house during this episode—catching the girls off guard as to the timing of sharing her story. We hear her say “I can’t go home without him knowing my story”, so without the other girls’ knowledge, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’ room to tell him of the death of her late husband. Awkward is probably a mild word to describe the exchange. As Kelsey shares her story, in depth, the editing cuts back and forth between her conversation and her individual interviews as she talks about how fabulously tragic and amazing her story is. She proclaims that there is undeniable sexual tension between she and Chris and we cut to Kelsey finishing her story and awkwardly planting a passionate kiss on Chris. And, since Chris’ coping skill in all situations awkward (or not awkward) is kissing, he obliges—though his body language indicates he would rather not be there with her. 

Cut to the end of the episode and Chris lets the other women know that Kelsey has shared her story with him—this after she condescendingly shares with the girls how confident she is that she will get a rose tonight. After realizing what is happening the girls begin their chatter and we end the episode with Kelsey on the floor having a ‘panic attack’ as we hear Ashley I.—the self-proclaimed virgin who has spent at least half of her on-air time trying to convince people that it’s not a big deal and and the other half creating drama due to her insecurities over this very same choice—break out in frustration and tears stating, “great, now someone else’s story is more tragic than my own.” 

Drama at it’s finest!

"I'm a virgin, it's not a big deal"--Ashley I.

As I contemplated what to write today, over and over I kept coming back to the overarching theme of the episode being that there were girls who were promoting and defining themselves as women and the totality of who they were based on one choice or one experience. They were viewing their existence among the other women as a game in which they were seeking to come out on top. If I have the most tragic story, I win. If there is another virgin in the house, I lose. And in getting caught up in these mere experiences or choices being what defined them as a woman, so many of these women (who I am sure are truly wonderful) began their demise—when their experience was invalidated so was their identity. 

Now, I am the first one to say that coming through a tragic situation or making a choice that is unpopular in the eyes of others takes an amount of courage. And I would never want to suggest that someone’s experience or decisions weren’t absolutely pivotal in their lives and had a lasting impact on them; we all know that there are certain moments in life that change who we are. But to suggest that one experience or one decision is what makes us who we are entirely, shortchanges our identity and leads to a fragile view of ourselves. Our experiences and choices challenge us, affirm us, devastate us and bring amazing joy into our lives. Sure, sometimes our experiences and choices even seem to beat the hell out of us—bringing us to a place of feeling wrecked for a while. But our choices and situations are just that—choices and situations. They aren’t us. They don’t define the totality of who we are or the essence of our character. Our choices and experiences are a small part of who we are; they are not all of who we are. 

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, made a statement that owning of our story is one of the bravest things that we can do—and I agree wholeheartedly. The ownership of our story however, is the sharing of different parts of us—the different experiences, relationships and emotions that have helped us grow, learn and go through the refining process. Loving ourselves through that process makes space for celebrating that our stories are not bigger than us, more attractive than us, more tragic than us or even what defines us.  They are, simply, stories.

My hope for us all is that we would desire for others to be attracted not to our stories but rather the person we became--the person we are--as a result of all of these different cards that life has dealt us. When someone is attracted to us for our character, rather than the character we played in a story, they are worth keeping around! 

Lessons From a Cruise Ship Singer

Once again the Bachelor has provided some great fodder to think about. While the show is generally pretty comical if you listen closely, every now and again there will be nuggets of wisdom to think about and implement into different parts of your life. Last night was no different and this week’s wisdom comes from Carly, the 29 year old cruise ship singer.

Last night Prince Farming’s sisters paid the girls a visit to spend some time getting to know the girls who were vying after their younger brother’s heart. As an older sister I can certainly appreciate this and think there is definitely wisdom in bringing some outside resources into this process. In their time with Carly she became emotional when she was answering their questions about previous relationships and being treated unkindly. As she discussed the ‘interview’ with the rest of the girls in the house she made a simple and profound statement about her show of emotions with the sisters:

“The things you become emotional about are the things that are most important.”

Regardless of our backgrounds (ethnicities, parts of the country, religion, etc.) there seems to be a resounding theme of the expression of emotions being slightly dangerous. As I continue with my own therapeutic journey and sit in the presence of so many others as they share their stories, I hear over and over just how difficult it is to express emotion over anything—good, bad or even devastating. People seem to have ingrained messages stemming from years and decades ago that tell them to keep their emotions under wraps lest they be judged by others or their emotions would be seen as a weakness. 

I’ve seen this to be especially true when it comes to the topic of dating and relationships. As much as I find myself getting annoyed at the girls on the Bachelor gushing all of their emotions and terms of endearment towards their suitor (which I am sure are at least, in part, scripted), I can’t help but feel a tug at my own heart knowing that it would be nearly impossible to get me to say things like that because of the emotional strings attached to my words. To display my thoughts and emotions to someone, let alone a national audience, would be, at the very least, vulnerable. To not display emotion about something or someone I care about feels far safer and more secure; it’s a layer of protection that I can offer myself in case something doesn’t worked out as I had hoped. 

I see this all the time in relationships—we tell ourselves that we’re not that into someone or that it didn’t feel that terrible to be broken up with or disappeared on. We rationalize the situation, we informationalize (I think I just made that word up!) the situation, we think of 10,000 possibilities for what we might have done wrong in the relationship that we can now be working on…we do anything other than sitting in the emotional pain of feeling something towards another and it not being reciprocated. Becoming emotional about something, showing feelings, getting angry and crying are all signs that someone or something has had an impact on us. But showing emotion is vulnerable. It means that someone has the power to hurt you, to wound you; and in being vulnerable you are willingly exposing yourself to that potential without necessarily knowing the outcome. 

But I wonder if that vulnerability of emotion can, like Miss Carly said, show us also the things that are the most important to us. Things like kindness and compassion; being treated with equality and respect. Maybe showing emotion over something shows us that we really do want a relationship rather than having to hide behind a mask of fierce independence. Maybe showing emotion shows us and others that we are not an impenetrable force but rather a living, breathing, soft human being. What if acknowledging our emotion and understanding what is motivating it can point us in the direction of what we are passionate about in life, in relationships and in the world? 

What a gift we would miss if we shielded ourselves from emotion to keep away the hurt but also ended up keeping out the utter joy and bliss of finding out what is most important to us. 

I Have to Earn a Kiss

The Bachelor season is again upon us, which means that there are many life lessons to be learned in the next couple months through the mistakes (and a few moments of triumph) from others! 

I admit, I LOVE Farmer Chris. Had it not been for the fact that I would be an absolutely terrible contestant (I mean, can you imagine being a therapist in a house full of dramatic girls all fighting over the same guy?), the fact that I hate being the center of attention, that I wouldn’t want my relationship viewed by all of America or having to move to Iowa if I, by chance, ended up as “the one”, I might have considered signing up for the show. Alas, I am far more comfortable sitting in sweats with popcorn and wine on a Monday night trying to guess who he picks through my Bachelor Fantasy League! 

Normally I will write a blog and then let it sit for several weeks before posting it just to let things really marinate, but I feel like I would be missing out on something great if I didn’t process through a few of the things that stuck out from this last night's episode. 

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Prince Farming’s quest for love, the one thing you need to know is that he has been kissing a lot of girls. Like a lot. Almost to the point of awkwardness and it’s causing a lot of dramatic tension between the girls. Any time there seems to be a hint of chemistry or connection between Chris and a girl, it seems to end up in a make out session. 

Except for Becca. 

Becca has been one of my favorites from the beginning. From the moment she stepped out of the limo and gave Chris a hug, there was definite chemistry between them. (I have her going pretty far in my Bachelor Fantasy League for that reason alone!) She hasn’t stood out much though in the last couple episodes as she has been surrounded by many aggressive and outgoing personality types. But this week the viewers finally got to see some one-on-one time between she and Chris during the latter part of the group date. It was effortless, cute, authentic and there was definite chemistry—and in the made-for-TV-perfect-kiss-moment, Becca chose a hug from Chris instead of a kiss. 

After the hug she let him know that while she wanted to kiss him and that it would be a perfect spot, given the backdrop, she wanted to make an unnatural dating situation as natural as possible. She let him know that she didnt’ want to rush into anything physical and handle this dating relationship any different than she would off the show. His response to her: “thats ok! I have to earn a kiss from you” and then he gave her the group date rose!

It’s pretty comical to watch the expression of the other women on the group date as he gave her that rose; many of them were the ones who just moments before had thrown themselves at him, initiated make out sessions and come back bragging about their time with Chris. It would seem though that Becca’s confidence in herself and her values seemed to be of much more appeal to Chris. 

Essentially, Becca is a bitch.

Ok, wait…before you get all up in arms that I just called Becca a bitch, hear me out! A little while back I started reading a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was hesitant to read it because the way we normally associate the word “bitch” is anything but a compliment…but having heard from a couple other people that there were some good concepts in there, I picked it up and started reading. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the book. Well really, I hate it. I hate that she makes so many valid points. And I hate that the points that she makes are valid because of the way our culture has evolved to view dating as such a game of cat and mouse that it nearly makes it impossible to be your normal self in order to get a guy. As Ms. Argov explains, a woman has to exude a form of bitchiness in order to keep the intrigue and attention of a man. She describes a bitch not as someone who creates drama, is a diva or is blatantly mean or disrespectful to others, but rather someone who looks out for her own well being first and sees her value as more than being able to keep a really cute guy (or hot farmer!) In her words, a bitch is someone who is kind and strong—someone who feels ok playing her cards close to her chest, per say, and demanding respect by not allowing men to take advantage of her or devalue her by their fleeting urges. 

Though I am not keen on the term ‘bitch’, I can get on board with the concept. And, according to Ms. Argov’s research, a man loves to chase and pursue—something that the nice girl says she wants a man to do but makes it too easy on him by giving in, giving up and letting go of herself. Apparently men are intrigued by someone who can show restraint, self-respect and holds themselves in high regard (I know this should not come as a surprise, but given the fish in the sea that I have experienced, men certainly don’t give off this impression!) 

In not kissing Chris, Becca sets herself a part from the rest of the group. While the rest of the girls are looking for spare opportunities to make out with Chris, Becca waits and lets Chris come to her. She has a sort of intrigue and mysteriousness that many of the other girls checked the moment they got out of the limo. By her instance on holding back, she states (without words) that she is someone who is worth getting to know, to fight for and that she would choose him rather than needing him. And Chris notices. 

I don’t know how the relationship with Chris and Becca turns out; I haven’t read the spoilers—but I would guess that she makes it pretty far if she continues to hold herself in this regard. 

In talking with another single girlfriend of mine about this concept of being a bitch there is an amount of both freedom and exhaustion that is felt. Exhaustion in the sense that it feels really inauthentic to not be able to be myself in a relationship—having to worry that if I care too much, share too much or tell him how much I like him too soon that he will be driven away (by my “overbearing personality”). It’s exhausting to have to be so calculated: not invite him to your house until a certain point, wait a certain number of dates to increase physical affection, watch the clock and give yourself a chunk of time in between communications. And it’s exhausting to have to be the one who has to keep all these concepts at the front of your mind and make sure they are implemented seamlessly, especially when it seems like the guy has freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and can snatch us up whenever he finally decides to land? Since when did playing the bitch card become the norm? 

But as much as I want to rebel against all of these concepts, I do have to acknowledge that this is the unfortunate reality of how we live and how we date. I don’t like it; I’m not required to like it. But I do need to do something with it. And that is where the freedom part comes in. I know these things now, and despite my aversion to them, at least I am not in the dark. But moreover, it prompts me into a place of looking out for myself that never should have become abnormal anyways. And therein lies the freedom. I don’t love the chase and hustle of dating, but if looking out for myself means that I am treated with respect and honor, then I win. It might be really difficult to not invite someone over, or someone in after a great date, but if that increases his intrigue in me, affirming that I am someone who is not merely a good time but someone who is of worth, I win then as well. 

So, as much as I hate it, I guess I’m gonna try to be a bitch. 

Closing the Door

As I have noted in other blog posts I have written, I am someone who values symbolism in most everything. And if something does not have apparent symbolism, I am sure to find it! 

To this end, New Years has always been a relieving time for me. It’s the time of year where we are offered new beginnings, a chance to start new habits and move on from the year—which is often times very welcome if the previous year has been a rough one. 2014 has been just the type of year I had hoped for it to be. Coming off of a few years of tumultuous relationships and figuring things out, 2014 seemed to be a brighter year from the beginning; it was this gut feeling I had that 2014 would not be like the years past. I’m happy to say, sitting on the tail end of 2014, that I was right. Now, don’t get me wrong, this year was filled with a TON of changes, processing and difficult endeavors, but each one of those experiences produced strength, vulnerability, confidence and healing in a different sort of way than in years past. 

Normally sometime after Thanksgiving each year I sit down, journal in hand, and think about all the things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I love lists, so I break down my goals into categories (financial, personal, professional, physical fitness, etc.) and dream of all the things that I would love to accomplish by the end of the next calendar year. This year, however, it felt different. As I looked over many of the goals I had set for myself in 2014, I was sadly dismayed by the number of boxes that I got to check off…or rather the lack of boxes that I checked off. Under normal circumstances this might lead to a slight berating of myself; I have a pretty high level of expectation that I typically feel I need to achieve. Call it change, awareness or Divine intervention, as I looked at the amount of unchecked boxes as compared to what was checked, I felt a strange sense of peace in knowing that I had accomplished exactly what I needed to accomplish this year. Nothing less and nothing more. Though many of the things on the list had not been accomplished as I sat and pondered over the year I realized that what I had “accomplished” spiritually, emotionally, personally and professionally was far  more than any list could encompass. 

This got me thinking. As much as the New Year is a time of setting goals for what the upcoming year should look like and what I should seek to accomplish, perhaps the New Year is also about letting go of the things that don’t really matter and instead embracing exactly where you are at. I’m not talking about being lazy or lacking ambition but rather recognizing the expectations and hustle I place on myself and seeking instead, enjoyment in how far you have come. Maybe the new year is about closing doors—closing doors to past behaviors, relationships and chapters of life. And yes, while the closing of one door inevitably leads to opening a new door, maybe the focus is not so much on what door needs to be opened next but rather the simple recognition and celebration of understanding what needs to be let go of and closed. 

Around the end of the summer I had this weird, yet pervasive, thought that 2015 was going to be my year. I don’t totally know what that means yet (I’ll tell you about this time next year). As I dreamed about it’s possibilities I thought perhaps that 2015 would be about losing weight, finding a lasting relationship, working on writing a book or perhaps even having a certain amount of money in savings (all themes that have made the list before and gone unaccomplished to some extent). Mentally I even began creating goals around these things and a path of how to get there. I quickly caught myself though and wondered if 2015 was indeed my year, then perhaps how I started the year needed to be different than how other years began. I can’t help but wonder if 2015 being “my year” means letting go of all the things that I think I need to achieve and closing that door of my life. The door that represents striving, perfectionism, expectation, shame, anxiety and the hustle of life. Maybe closing that door represents acceptance and not changing a darn thing about myself! Maybe closing that door even means that I take on less, that I do what I love and that I make taking care of myself one of my top priorities. Closing the door then means that it’s less about a list of what I should do and more about being ok with all the things I don’t really need to do. 

The “Seize the Day” part of me struggles with this new mentality. While it knows that not making a list of goals doesn’t mean I’ll sit in front of the TV instead, this part is chomping at the bit to take action even when I think about taking a year and doing the things that I love (or maybe even figuring out what it is that I love!) I’m working on nurturing this part, offering gratitude for the ambition and motivation it gives me and reassuring it that by it not having to work so hard there is a possibility of laughing more, having fun, enjoying the present moment and living with a sense of peace and serenity. And when that part can be reigned in and I am able to sit in the present moment, there is a clear recognition that the last few years have brought about tremendous change in every area of my life and I really like who I am. And I think maybe that’s what 2015 being my year is all about…

So whatever this year is for you, dear reader—whether it is closing out on the worst year of your life, being hopeful about the new year with new goals and ambitions or somewhere in between, my hope for you is that you can rest in each present moment and that 2015 will be your year.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I love my job, I really do. Being a therapist is my dream job and I could never imagine doing anything else. Being a therapist has allowed me to come into contact, daily, with the rawness of humanity and has taught me how to love people in a nonjudgmental and unique way that hopefully inspires healing. In many ways, being a therapist has saved me from myself! 

But in seeing the rawness of humanity you also see the drama of humanity. 

Due to the clientele that I find myself drawn to (women who have been in or are getting out of an abusive relationship, co-dependent individuals and women in their 20’s and 30’s), I am faced, daily, with huge doses of second-hand drama. Luckily for me, I have learned how to keep drama at the office and not bring it into my personal life! That aside, as I have sat with these beautiful and special women day after day, I have noticed a trend. It seems, with no exaggeration, that for many of these women, no matter how dramatic they are, no matter how much baggage they bring into a relationship, no matter how much they say and do the absolute opposite of what they should do (the healthy thing to do), how fast they push the relationship and how much they demand from their boyfriend, they seem to always have a man by their side. And not only that, but a man who sticks with them…even when the relationship is brand new! 

I find myself asking over and over why all of these women can keep a man and I can’t???

Now, I fully admit that I have done my share of sabotaging and I have probably even made things dramatic when it really wasn’t needed. But I am aware enough of myself and work on myself enough to know that this is not my norm, I catch myself in the act and I nip it in the bud. This has not come without great effort (and many mistakes), but it’s something within myself that I am proud to have developed! And yet, I sit with these women daily who can be dramatic, irrational, overly emotional, accusatory, projecting on ‘their man’ and having inflated expectations—who are never single—and I can’t get a guy to stick around for more than a couple months. Excuse the language, but WTF???

In beginning of writing this blog I did my own form of reflective research and thought about several of the men I have dated in the past couple years and what the turning point was in the relationship that made them start to back away… While I fully acknowledge that I had a hand in many of these situations and my anxiety sometimes got the best of me, what I noticed is that whenever the relationship started to fizzle was when I had a “meltdown”. Yes, I put quotes around meltdown because when I compare my story to that of my clients, it’s a blip on the radar… My meltdowns:

1. The time that a guy I had been dating a couple months asked me if I would be ok with him going to a strip club with a friend—my response: I went waaaaaaaay inward and got very quiet and finally was able to say that it was an insecurity of mine, something about body image issues and that I would prefer that he didn’t go. A few days later was the last time I saw him. 
2. The time the guy I had been dating for a couple months long distance told me he wanted to be a white water rafting guide, meaning that by the time he was done with that gig we would have been dating nearly 9 months and seen each other less than 20 times. In this he thought he could fit me into his schedule once every couple weeks—when I asked how that was a progressing relationship, and not a hook up, he told me I expected too much and after ending the conversation he never spoke to me again.
3. The time when the guy I was dating had talked about getting together one evening after work; after him telling me he would call me when he was done eating to make plans for the night and not contacting me for 4 hours I asked him if he wouldn’t mind simply telling me the next time that it wasn’t going to work to hang out that night if he knew he didn’t want to/had other plans or something came up. After hearing about how that was too intense of a conversation for that point in the relationship and telling me that it was my problem, he slowly started to back off in communication until one day, a couple weeks later, he disappeared altogether. 
4. Oh yeah, and then the time that I asked my boyfriend of a couple months for an idea of what he thought the future would look like in terms of a timeline—this only after he had told me he loved me, he wanted to marry me, asked me how much he could spend on a ring and talked about asking my dad for permission to marry me—he said I was putting him in a box and pressuring him too much…a week later we were broken up.

Ok, stop laughing…yes, those truly were my “meltdowns” and those truly were the responses. I look back and see that there were a few things that I could have done differently in each situation. But generally speaking, my meltdowns that I had were about a .0000001 on the Richter Scale; certainly not worthy of breaking off a relationship over. Now, I am also aware enough to realize that if those “meltdowns” were the reason for a break up, there were probably other things going on—other things that it’s probably good I didn’t have to bear witness to on down the road, but still…that certainly does nothing for a girl’s confidence…and leads me to believe perhaps I should consciously be immature, dramatic, needy, clingy and have a lot of issues that need to be solved in order to keep a boyfriend. 

This trend has me absolutely befuddled and I admit, I am still grasping for reasons this happens. After enlisting the wisdom and support of one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends about this we are still completely confused but have recognized a few things…  When something happens to me, whether it be in a relationship or life in general, it seems there are two ways to go about handling about it:

The first way is to react…meaning go with my gut, say whatever comes to mind, get dramatic, yell, scream, cry, give the silent treatment, become manipulative, project, become the victim, become passive aggressive or maybe even downright aggressive! Reaction means I can do anything I want to do in order to get my point across, soothe my wounds and protect myself without necessarily taking into account how that other person might feel that is the recipient of your reaction. The goal for this situation then becomes to simply restore a sense of normal as fast as possible. As long as the other person complies with your wish as fast as possible the hope is that the situation will calm down. Unfortunately, this type of handling never seems to solve the root issue because the next time that someone does something you don’t like, the reaction is the same. As big and dramatic as this form of handling is, I can’t help but wonder if it’s preferable for a man. There is something tangible to fix. She wanted you to pick up toilet paper on the way home…run to Target and pick it up. Problem solved. As confused as that man might be in regards to what just happened, as soon as it starts, he knows exactly what to do to make it better.  Men love fixing things, so this reaction, in a weird way, speaks a language they understand. 

The second way to handle a situation is to respond. Responding to a situation means one much be must slower, reflective and understanding of what is truly going on inside of them. Responding to a situation requires that one must first go inwards and recognize the underlying emotion and message that is being triggered in the situation and then deal with that first before bringing someone else into that space. Responding to a situation means owning my response, anxiety and desire to act out of rage and spend a minute identifying what part of me has just been wounded and what is really going on and why I have the urge to get really big or hide from the situation. When I go through this process internally and with awareness I can then reach out to the person I am trying to communicate with and let them know what just happened for me and what I need from them (compassion, empathy, affirmation, support, etc.) And while at face value this seems like it should be no big deal to offer this to someone, it also requires that the other person dig deeper within themselves and tap into that same, deep place in order to offer back to you what you are asking for. It’s more than getting toilet paper from Target or making the bed the next morning. 

It seems to me that when a strong and aware woman shows a vulnerable side of her the man must also be strong and aware in order to be vulnerable himself and offer the deeper, empathetic response. But that, my friends, is hard to do. It means I might have to tap into something in myself that I don’t like. It means it’s not about being right or wrong. It means it’s actually not even about fixing something. It’s simply about being present and open, and that is much easier said than done. In fact, it’s so much easier said than done that in those moments where a deeper response is required, it feels better to give back your own reaction. 

As I reflect back on my ‘meltdown’s’ that I have had (above), I can say with certainty that each time I responded rather than reacted. Each time I have expressed my concern only after an internal process has taken place and I am able to identify where it hurts, what I need to do myself and what I might need from the other person. And each time I asked for what I needed it came after being brutally honest with myself and recognizing at the core level I had been touched. And when I think about it, it probably does seem easier to buy crunchy peanut butter instead of creamy and take the garbage out rather than empathically taking someone into consideration, acknowledging them at their deepest level and responding accordingly.

I have to be honest…I don’t know if this is why when a ‘meltdown’ occurs I find myself being phased out of someone’s life. Maybe I have really bad manners, laugh with a horses whinney or have poor hygiene. (And if that’s the case, will someone please tell me?!?) But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to stop responding. And while I am aware that this does not come naturally for people, men and women alike, if someone isn’t interested in at least trying, then perhaps he’s not my guy.

I realize I am a strong and independent women. I think that’s probably an attractive quality to men as they seek a potential partner. But more than those characteristics, I am a human. I have emotions, thoughts, experiences, wounds and desires to prove it. But this doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t make me dependent. It doesn’t (necessarily) make me dramatic, immature or irrational. It simply points to my humanity. And after having spent enough years of my life trying to hide it, deny it or conform it to someone else’s ideal and it’s not something I am interested in anymore. And to that end, if his reaction to my humanity is to walk away, I will stay true to myself and continue to respond. 

My Name is Lainey and I’m a Relationship Sabotager

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs about different masks that we wear, that I wear, when it comes to relationships. One of the masks that I focused on was “The Sabotager”. As I re-read what I wrote about that mask before I started writing this blog, I was almost in disbelief that I had written these words less than a year ago. It’s not that I didn’t believe them when I wrote them, it just feels like now, months and many experiences later, I understand these words at a level that is far deeper than I could have imagined back then.

So, to put it bluntly, I recently figured out that I sabotage relationships. And in figuring out that I do this, I almost lost out on another relationship that had a lot of great qualities. After dating a really great guy for only a couple weeks I noticed my anxiety level creeping upwards and recognized that no matter how much I tried to be nonchalant, I continued to let my mind get the best of me. On one particular night we had a minor miscommunication and while I do maintain that the consideration of communication that I was asking for was still appropriate, after a two hour conversation regarding this conflict that should never happen at that point in a relationship, something within me clicked. As the days had been passing by, I was actually preparing for him to break my heart. Though he never gave any indication that he was, in fact he continually affirmed how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked who I was, I was choosing instead to listen to past experiences and my negative internal loop instead of actually looking at reality.

Making it through that conversation and still being committed to getting to know each other left me both with a sense of relief and peace, but also some major reflection that I needed to do in regards to what my anxiety was all about, why my reaction was so inflated and really what the hell had just happened. As I sat in my chair with my coffee, a book and my journal in hand the next morning I slowly but surely came to the profound realization that as much as I desire a deep and intimate relationship, life has handed me enough experiences that often times make me less than hopeful of that happening. And as much as I hate the ending of any relationship and the depth of loneliness that it seems to leave me, I have truly become an expert at dealing with it. And if I am being honest, there is a sense of seduction in being the perpetual victim—passed over again and again by various men. 

The fact of the matter is, being in a relationship is risky. It involves vulnerability and courage and always leaves a possibility that you could get hurt. And if you have been in relationships that have ended less than amicably, it would seem that your natural reaction would be to create some sort of defense mechanism that is designed to protect you from the pain of relationships ending. 

Perhaps its pride or maybe just my own blind spot, but it was hard for me to recognize these sabotaging patterns for quite a long time.  I never had any extreme behaviors, public meltdowns, rants or overly dramatic instances that would have been, obviously, sabotaging. For me I think it was more that I went in to a relationship expecting it to end and expecting to get hurt, so I made sure that it happened in too many cases. While I never made things up or took extreme measures to sabotage a relationship, I do know that my expectations that I projected onto my potential-future-boyfriends surely did not make staying with me easy. And while there have been a few of those guys along the way where the ending of the relationship truly was all on them and NOT due to my sabotaging behaviors, I can look back now and see that there were many other relationship endings that had at least in some part to do with my own efforts to make my self-fulfilling prophecies come true. 

In my last blog I talk about the process of figuring out the way to date that most greatly reflects my desires and values. I have come to realize that in finding this balance involves looking at the pace at which a relationship develops and in focusing on this I have realized this is the area that I am prone to sabotage a relationship. Prior to the last few months I had gotten used to relationships starting (and ending) quickly. Within days we were spending every day together, communicating all day and even having conversations discussing our futures together. But 6-8 weeks in, things fizzled out and I was left again by myself on a Friday night. 

With this as a pattern beginning to become ingrained in my mind, you can imagine that a few weeks into a relationship triggers my body and mind into an automatic panic response. I’ve been through it so many times it seems that my body naturally begins to believe the end is near and sometimes even forces the end of the relationship through various means. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and uncertainty when, a few weeks into our relationship we had only gone on a handful of dates, texted sporadically and talked on the phone when our schedules allowed. Though I was told this was normal dating, it was so far from my traditional experiences that it became difficult to know how to handle it in a mature way. So I began doing the only thing I knew how to do: sabotage the relationship. I took something small and allowed it to be made into a much bigger deal than I needed to make it and prepared myself for him to end it with me that night. But he didn’t. And I admit, I had no clue how to handle it. Yet, something was very right. Call it super natural patience, grace or whatever, he calmly identified the ways that he made it clear, several times each day, that he was interested in me and wanting to pursue a relationship with me. And after explaining it, he stuck around. And he was there the next day. And the day after that. 

For me that was, what a therapist would call, an emotionally corrective experience. Throughout my entire life I have been told that I am too much to handle and that I need to find someone who will ‘put up with me’. I suppose many times I have created situations in which I have become too much to handle and basically fulfilled that prophecy in my life. For many years I prayed for a man that COULD handle the intensity of me, one that wouldn’t walk away the first sign of trouble. It took me a while to believe for myself that I wasn’t too much to handle and that the people who told me that repeatedly were wrong, but to have someone stand in front of you and reflect back the opposite of that cognitive distortion, stick around and remind me over and over what he likes about me, provides a healing experience that acts as a loudspeaker over those negative messages. 

In the days following that instance I have caught myself daily, naturally turning towards sabotaging actions when my anxiety arises. I do wish they would go away and that my gut reaction would be one of peace and presence, but I do think that the next best thing is being able to observe myself and choose how to act in a different way. So now, though the pattern is new, I am proud to say that I have started developing a new pattern: not sabotaging a relationship. And in that I have come, face to face, on a brand new level with both the risk and reward that is involved in a relationship. Not sabotaging means I don’t get to control the situation in an effort to protect myself.  Not sabotaging means that I get to be present in the relationship. Not sabotaging allows love to enter in. 

[Author’s Note: This blog was written a little over a month  prior to being posted so lest you get your hopes up that perhaps I am dating someone, no worries, this one also disappeared a couple weeks later! However, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, they were much needed. Additionally, it’s great to know that there truly was nothing that I could have done differently, his disappearance was on his own accordance; stay tuned for the next blog for my theories on this phenomenon!]

The Right Way to Date

The last relationship I was in that had a serious tone to it, in some ways was a ‘book end’ for me. …The end of a long list of men that I dated who’s purpose in my life seemed to be preparing me for the future. I look back now and can see that each of those relationships helped me grow stronger, face myself and continue healing. I watched as moments that would cause me great anxiety in relationships after my abusive relationship, slowly subsided and I was able to nurture my own fears. The frantic ‘not knowing’ that is present in so many relationships that would cause severe panic and desperation started to become patience and a loosening of control that allowed me to enjoy each moment. But I came to realize that even though I was learning some great lessons, it was exhausting! So, after the last serious-type relationship, I decided I needed a break from dating.  

It hasn’t been until recently that I have found the energy and motivation to get back out there.  And what I am coming to realize is that I have a fairly jacked up view of what dating is supposed to look like…or even how to date. 

Now, before I go on record saying that there is one right way to go about dating, I want to clarify and say that there isn’t. And in some ways, that’s part of the problem.  I grew up believing that there was one specific and Godly way to date. But it wasn’t really dating either. It was this weird conglomeration of beliefs and values taught by the Church that culminated in an overarching persuasion that prior to even going out on the first date with someone, you had to have an almost certain knowledge of if you were going to marry that person or not. (Yes, you heard me correctly…BEFORE the first date). To this end, my job as a woman was to wait patiently for a man to see me and pursue me. In many ways I did not have a choice over who I would have an opportunity to date. Pursuit of a man in any way, even conversation, was considered overstepping my role as a woman and likely manipulative. (I was told by many men that my friendly personality towards everyone was overly flirtatious, lacking submission, disrespectful and manipulative.) In this way of dating, if a man should see me as someone he would want to pursue with the intent of marriage it would be wise for me to accept, especially as I got older. Even if I was not especially attracted to him or envisioned myself with a different type of man, I was told to question myself for selfish motives and shallow or superficial expectations. 

Dating in this realm was very calculated and prescribed. There was a neat list of rules to abide by and a pattern to follow that, if subscribed to, would supposedly lead to a beautiful, pure, Godly marriage—one with few problems and much bliss and ease as this was the way God had designed it. 

Needless to say, I think my personality did not lend well to this mentality no matter how hard I tried to fit into it. And because I was ok having men as friends and thoroughly enjoyed those relationships, I was considered dangerous to some. (Mind you these friendships with men were not “friends with benefits”…I didn’t even kiss a guy, let alone anything else, until my very late 20’s. So we’re talking platonic friendships!)

Coming out of that ‘era’, while needed, was also a source of much confusion. I felt like a stereotypical pastors kid…the kid who rebels once she goes off to college because she is finally no longer under the watchful eye of her parents, the church and the community. While my intent was not necessarily to rebel, the only thing I could think of in my mind was to do the exact opposite of anything that resembled the old version of dating. In many ways doing the opposite came from a place of total innocence. And in that, I naturally swung to the other side of the spectrum. 

While swinging to the other side of the spectrum never took on a sense of extremity, it was definitely a different way of living than the previous years. Dating was no longer about pursuing marriage but rather just having fun, sometimes drinking too much and on occasion, waking up next to someone I knew very little of. Definitely not some of my proudest moments and yet, still incredibly important to experience. All the things that I was supposed to already know before going on a date with someone (e.g. "is this someone I could marry?") flew out the window. Needing a relationship to follow a detailed and specific pattern (and timeline) no longer was the norm. Having to tell someone 'older and wiser' every action and thought that I had/did, all the while being judged, no longer resembled the flavor of my life. In a sense, I was experiencing freedom.

But even freedom can be scary. Freedom in excess, with no boundaries, with no values, with no sure ground to stand on can actually feel like another form of 'slavery'. While I did not have anyone telling me what I could and could not do, I was basically setting myself up to have shallow relationships, get my heart broken and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. Everything about that lifestyle is in the moment, instant gratification, delayed consequences, act now and think later--all things to me that seem to be appealing for the short term but exhausting, confusing and devastating in the long run.

At some point I began to figure out that neither side was great to camp out at and while there seems to be a few beneficial things to 'take' from each side of the spectrum, generally it leaves a person floundering a bit trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship. If a relationship isn't about a formula, repression and rules but it also isn't about instant gratification, excess and moving from person to person, then what is it?

It took me a while to understand the appeal of camping out at one side of the spectrum (or the other) and why it felt so foreign to find some sort of a working balance. Either side of the spectrum essentially requires no thought. One the one side you have someone dictating your every move, every thought and every relationship. There is a very clear cut way regarding what you can and cannot do and as long as you stick to it and don't question it, you're good. At the very least, you don't have to think because someone else has prescribed it for you. 

On the other side of the spectrum you also don't think because it's all about acting without thought. While there are no rules to dictate your next move, the absence of rules means that thinking is scary, so you do whatever comes naturally, instantly and with the most pleasure and gratification. Everything goes, nothing is off limits; every thought, desires and action is valid and worthy of gratification. Again, it's a side that involves no thought. 

My quest for understanding what dating should look like (not in terms of right way/wrong way but rather the best fit for me) seems to land in this area of balance...somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. It's a place that involves a lot of thought and honest reflection and awareness--not something that most people are interested in. It means actually pausing and understanding what it is that you want, desire, need, value, prefer, get anxious by, what triggers you, your baggage...and making sure that the way you do relationships is coming from the highest value of who you are versus how various groups of people dictate it to you. Being on either side of the spectrum offers an amount of safety. If someone else is dictating what life and relationships need to look like instead of you having to think for yourself, you never truly need to pause and wonder if this is best. The land of balance includes intentionality and thought as well as honesty and humility. 

That balance is what I am still working on. I've spent many hours thinking, processing and journaling about what I want a relationship should look like that mirrors neither side of the spectrum exclusively. And while things are starting to come together on paper, transferring that now onto the dating field poses a totally different adventure. It's kinda like the concept of only being able to read about how to fix a car for so long before you actually have to go out and try it. Same with dating, boundaries, values, relationships and balance. It's great to take a break and figure things out, figure out what I want, but at some point I have to actually get back out there and do it. That's the point that I am at now. 

So, here I am, the other side of a few months long break from dating and it's time to put my money where my mouth is. It's not easy though! If the date isn't required to end in marriage or a one night stand, is it ok to only know that I like him enough to go on a second date? If it's not about having to follow a specific job description of a Biblical Woman, is it ok to initiate communication? And if so, how much? And how much communication should I expect from him? How many dates do I need to go on with someone before I feel ok to kiss them, or talk about deeper things or invite them over to my house (or go to theirs)? If I am not required to keep my parents and all those who are older and wiser than me in the loop, who do I actually tell that I am dating someone and at what point? These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.

I have to admit even though not having the answers immediately can be frustrating, having the space to ask questions is quite freeing. Asking questions and being able to think through the answers means that I am not subjected to any one person or one idea of how a relationship is supposed to go. In some ways it's very fluid and can be tailored to fit a specific relationship while at the same time stable enough to rest on a strong foundation of my personal values and beliefs. And while this land of balance certainly does not offer immediate answers, I can't help but wonder if part of the gift of asking questions and searching is the opportunity to have a relationship that is a reflection of me.