As I have noted in other blog posts I have written, I am someone who values symbolism in most everything. And if something does not have apparent symbolism, I am sure to find it!
To this end, New Years has always been a relieving time for me. It’s the time of year where we are offered new beginnings, a chance to start new habits and move on from the year—which is often times very welcome if the previous year has been a rough one. 2014 has been just the type of year I had hoped for it to be. Coming off of a few years of tumultuous relationships and figuring things out, 2014 seemed to be a brighter year from the beginning; it was this gut feeling I had that 2014 would not be like the years past. I’m happy to say, sitting on the tail end of 2014, that I was right. Now, don’t get me wrong, this year was filled with a TON of changes, processing and difficult endeavors, but each one of those experiences produced strength, vulnerability, confidence and healing in a different sort of way than in years past.
Normally sometime after Thanksgiving each year I sit down, journal in hand, and think about all the things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I love lists, so I break down my goals into categories (financial, personal, professional, physical fitness, etc.) and dream of all the things that I would love to accomplish by the end of the next calendar year. This year, however, it felt different. As I looked over many of the goals I had set for myself in 2014, I was sadly dismayed by the number of boxes that I got to check off…or rather the lack of boxes that I checked off. Under normal circumstances this might lead to a slight berating of myself; I have a pretty high level of expectation that I typically feel I need to achieve. Call it change, awareness or Divine intervention, as I looked at the amount of unchecked boxes as compared to what was checked, I felt a strange sense of peace in knowing that I had accomplished exactly what I needed to accomplish this year. Nothing less and nothing more. Though many of the things on the list had not been accomplished as I sat and pondered over the year I realized that what I had “accomplished” spiritually, emotionally, personally and professionally was far more than any list could encompass.
This got me thinking. As much as the New Year is a time of setting goals for what the upcoming year should look like and what I should seek to accomplish, perhaps the New Year is also about letting go of the things that don’t really matter and instead embracing exactly where you are at. I’m not talking about being lazy or lacking ambition but rather recognizing the expectations and hustle I place on myself and seeking instead, enjoyment in how far you have come. Maybe the new year is about closing doors—closing doors to past behaviors, relationships and chapters of life. And yes, while the closing of one door inevitably leads to opening a new door, maybe the focus is not so much on what door needs to be opened next but rather the simple recognition and celebration of understanding what needs to be let go of and closed.
Around the end of the summer I had this weird, yet pervasive, thought that 2015 was going to be my year. I don’t totally know what that means yet (I’ll tell you about this time next year). As I dreamed about it’s possibilities I thought perhaps that 2015 would be about losing weight, finding a lasting relationship, working on writing a book or perhaps even having a certain amount of money in savings (all themes that have made the list before and gone unaccomplished to some extent). Mentally I even began creating goals around these things and a path of how to get there. I quickly caught myself though and wondered if 2015 was indeed my year, then perhaps how I started the year needed to be different than how other years began. I can’t help but wonder if 2015 being “my year” means letting go of all the things that I think I need to achieve and closing that door of my life. The door that represents striving, perfectionism, expectation, shame, anxiety and the hustle of life. Maybe closing that door represents acceptance and not changing a darn thing about myself! Maybe closing that door even means that I take on less, that I do what I love and that I make taking care of myself one of my top priorities. Closing the door then means that it’s less about a list of what I should do and more about being ok with all the things I don’t really need to do.
The “Seize the Day” part of me struggles with this new mentality. While it knows that not making a list of goals doesn’t mean I’ll sit in front of the TV instead, this part is chomping at the bit to take action even when I think about taking a year and doing the things that I love (or maybe even figuring out what it is that I love!) I’m working on nurturing this part, offering gratitude for the ambition and motivation it gives me and reassuring it that by it not having to work so hard there is a possibility of laughing more, having fun, enjoying the present moment and living with a sense of peace and serenity. And when that part can be reigned in and I am able to sit in the present moment, there is a clear recognition that the last few years have brought about tremendous change in every area of my life and I really like who I am. And I think maybe that’s what 2015 being my year is all about…
So whatever this year is for you, dear reader—whether it is closing out on the worst year of your life, being hopeful about the new year with new goals and ambitions or somewhere in between, my hope for you is that you can rest in each present moment and that 2015 will be your year.
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