To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

I Feel Invisible

It’s taken me a while to wrap my head around the last episode of the Bachelor and find any semblance of redemption in an episode that, to put it mildly, was dramatic. I mean it’s the Bachelor, so I know drama and train wreck moments are the reason that people watch it but this week ramped up the drama and as odd as this sounds, it was somewhat difficult even as a viewer not to get caught up in it! But alas, after a couple days of mulling over the episode, I have found my concept of redemption and it’s again offered through our sweet Cruise Ship Singer, Carly. 

[On a side note: while I know that as the viewer we only see an edited version of all that is happening, it greatly saddened me to see the manipulative nature in which this season’s “villan” acted. For someone who’s profession and education is in counseling, like my own, it hits a raw spot within me to see how she used her knowledge of people to twist situations, manipulate and say incredibly hurtful things to people only to act dumbfounded when she was confronted and used her “superior intelligence” as the reason she is misunderstood. I don’t think that was the case at all…check out the definition of a Histrionic Personality Disorder and you might have a clearer understanding of what was going on! Ok…off my therapist soap box!] 

In this particular episode while on a group date Chris and Britt sneak off to a Big & Rich concert, leaving the other girls on the [group] date waiting for over an hour with no clue as to where these two are. The only thing they see initially is that Britt comes back with a rose and later find out, from Britt, what the evening consisted of. As they panned around the room it was obvious that many of the girls were frustrated and sad; many of them shedding tears and expressing confusion as to how difficult it was to see the man who’s attention and heart they are vying for focus so much on one girl. 

My girl Carly said it best “…I feel invisible.”

I think what I love so much about Carly is that she is not afraid to speak her heart and mind and in doing so she speaks for so many other women.  While the Bachelor is an extreme situation in which the goal is to actively ‘compete’ for love, I would imagine that most of us women have felt the same desperation at least once in their lives. …That feeling of invisibility—that no matter what you do, what you say, what you look like, how funny you are, how intelligent you are or how __________ you are, there is always that other girl who takes the spotlight and leaves you scratching your head wondering what is wrong with you; we ponder, reflect, question and plan out how we might change ourselves in order to be the girl that gets a guy’s attention. 

I might be preaching to the choir when I say that Middle School and High School were not great years for me in the physical beauty department. I’ve spent countless hours with friends talking about how painfully awkward those years were, looking and pictures and crying from laughing so hard at these younger versions of ourselves who truly believed that we had something going on! I did not peak in high school. I didn’t peak in college. (Actually, sometimes I think I am still waiting on that peak!) But I remember the girls that did and I remember the anxiety and terror of being in the same room with them and a boy I liked. I could not compare to their flirtatious nature, their perfect hair, their thin bodies or designer clothes—and it was affirmed by the boys asking them out, dancing with them and sneaking under the bleachers to make out with those girls. But not me. I was invisible. 

I remember in Middle School getting the role of Dorothy in the school play (this is one of my claims to fame as the girl I beat out for the role went on to do background vocals for Beyonce…I don’t even care if it sounds like I am bragging—I totally am!) I remember thinking that now that I had this prominent role in the play I would perhaps be noticed. I was noticed alright—to this day I am still known as Dorothy in my hometown. Turns out though, that a gingham printed dress and ruby red slippers made of sequins don’t offer much of an appeal to the boys, and no matter how good I was in the play, I still felt invisible. 

I remember my freshman year of high school—sweating profusely every day because I was so uncomfortable in my skin, wondering if this this how the rest of my life would be (I’m thankful to say, the sweating is now contained to hot days or working out!) I remember thinking that if I could just be like some of the other girls or do something just a little bit better or be just a little bit thinner or prettier then perhaps I would be picked, noticed, chosen…seen. Nothing seemed to change though, no matter how much I changed myself. 

Age definitely brings wisdom and I can look back with compassion towards that younger version of myself for all the heartache, anxiety and desperation she went through to try to be noticed. I wish she wouldn’t have felt like she needed to try so hard; I wish she knew that those relationships were only temporary. I wish she knew that there was so much more to life than those years of adolescence and young adulthood. What’s so interesting is that while I know these things now and can laugh with fondness of years gone by, I know there are still many times that I feel invisible. 

Whether it’s announcements of engagements, marriages or children or even a girlfriend finding a great guy to be with there is still sometimes a part of me that feels invisible in those moments and wonders what it is about me that keeps me from being picked. It’s so easy to scan the terrain around us and watch what everyone else is doing, wearing, participating in and even eating (or not eating!) and feel that perhaps if we adopted that lifestyle, choice or habit then perhaps we would not feel so passed over.  

Isn’t it interesting that we want someone to love us for who we are but then we spend our time, energy and resources trying to change who we are in order to meet someone else’s standards? 

That last statement is like a punch in the gut. In one breath I want to “Amen!” that but in the next breath I know that there is kind of a sting to it because I can recall  many times where I have actively sought to change parts of me in an effort to meet another person’s standards. And while I don’t think I did that because I desire to be superficial or didn’t know who I was, it seems unfortunately very easy to throw out the concept of being accepted as you are rather than facing the feeling of invisibility. 

We are created for relationships—I truly believe this is in the fiber of our DNA. And part of the beauty of relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, etc.) is feeling seen, understood and valued by the person you are in a relationship with. True relationship—one that is built on authenticity, trust, commitment, honesty, enjoyment and communication—can only happen when we are seen. And truly being seen requires acceptance of ourselves first that regardless of the pressures to change for someone else’s pleasure or our own instant gratification, we will not let ourselves become invisible to us. 

Your Story is Not You

This week’s episode of the Bachelor has me perplexed. Since the episode ended last night, I have tossed around various ideas of what to write about today…there were certainly a few redeeming moments of the show—when Whitney discussed the importance of being kind to someone even when we didn’t like their actions; when Becca offered empathy and compassion to the Bachelor in the midst of a hard situation. Or when Carly spent time conversing with Chris and asking questions—doing an excellent job of sharing just enough of her heart, experiences and genuine fears in an effort to be known, yet not giving everything away (instead of spending her one-on-one time making out with him.) These were important moments of the night and definitely should not be overlooked. But unfortunately these moments did not stand much of a chance in being some of the pivotal themes of the night due to a few of the other girls’ handling of themselves and their emotions.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, we are introduced to Kelsey at the beginning of the season in a video vignette as she shares with us that she is a widow; her husband passed away abruptly, a mere 18 months ago, due to heart failure. America’s heart went out to this young woman as they embraced her story and her chance to find love again. Kelsey has stayed somewhat in the shadows the entire season, likely due to editing, but has started to make a bit of a name for herself in the past couple episodes which led up to her grand entrance on the episode last night. 

With the other widow being booted off the show in the previous episode, Kelsey now had the most tragic story in the house and she knew it. She began sharing it with the other girls in the house during this episode—catching the girls off guard as to the timing of sharing her story. We hear her say “I can’t go home without him knowing my story”, so without the other girls’ knowledge, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’ room to tell him of the death of her late husband. Awkward is probably a mild word to describe the exchange. As Kelsey shares her story, in depth, the editing cuts back and forth between her conversation and her individual interviews as she talks about how fabulously tragic and amazing her story is. She proclaims that there is undeniable sexual tension between she and Chris and we cut to Kelsey finishing her story and awkwardly planting a passionate kiss on Chris. And, since Chris’ coping skill in all situations awkward (or not awkward) is kissing, he obliges—though his body language indicates he would rather not be there with her. 

Cut to the end of the episode and Chris lets the other women know that Kelsey has shared her story with him—this after she condescendingly shares with the girls how confident she is that she will get a rose tonight. After realizing what is happening the girls begin their chatter and we end the episode with Kelsey on the floor having a ‘panic attack’ as we hear Ashley I.—the self-proclaimed virgin who has spent at least half of her on-air time trying to convince people that it’s not a big deal and and the other half creating drama due to her insecurities over this very same choice—break out in frustration and tears stating, “great, now someone else’s story is more tragic than my own.” 

Drama at it’s finest!

"I'm a virgin, it's not a big deal"--Ashley I.

As I contemplated what to write today, over and over I kept coming back to the overarching theme of the episode being that there were girls who were promoting and defining themselves as women and the totality of who they were based on one choice or one experience. They were viewing their existence among the other women as a game in which they were seeking to come out on top. If I have the most tragic story, I win. If there is another virgin in the house, I lose. And in getting caught up in these mere experiences or choices being what defined them as a woman, so many of these women (who I am sure are truly wonderful) began their demise—when their experience was invalidated so was their identity. 

Now, I am the first one to say that coming through a tragic situation or making a choice that is unpopular in the eyes of others takes an amount of courage. And I would never want to suggest that someone’s experience or decisions weren’t absolutely pivotal in their lives and had a lasting impact on them; we all know that there are certain moments in life that change who we are. But to suggest that one experience or one decision is what makes us who we are entirely, shortchanges our identity and leads to a fragile view of ourselves. Our experiences and choices challenge us, affirm us, devastate us and bring amazing joy into our lives. Sure, sometimes our experiences and choices even seem to beat the hell out of us—bringing us to a place of feeling wrecked for a while. But our choices and situations are just that—choices and situations. They aren’t us. They don’t define the totality of who we are or the essence of our character. Our choices and experiences are a small part of who we are; they are not all of who we are. 

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, made a statement that owning of our story is one of the bravest things that we can do—and I agree wholeheartedly. The ownership of our story however, is the sharing of different parts of us—the different experiences, relationships and emotions that have helped us grow, learn and go through the refining process. Loving ourselves through that process makes space for celebrating that our stories are not bigger than us, more attractive than us, more tragic than us or even what defines us.  They are, simply, stories.

My hope for us all is that we would desire for others to be attracted not to our stories but rather the person we became--the person we are--as a result of all of these different cards that life has dealt us. When someone is attracted to us for our character, rather than the character we played in a story, they are worth keeping around! 

Lessons From a Cruise Ship Singer

Once again the Bachelor has provided some great fodder to think about. While the show is generally pretty comical if you listen closely, every now and again there will be nuggets of wisdom to think about and implement into different parts of your life. Last night was no different and this week’s wisdom comes from Carly, the 29 year old cruise ship singer.

Last night Prince Farming’s sisters paid the girls a visit to spend some time getting to know the girls who were vying after their younger brother’s heart. As an older sister I can certainly appreciate this and think there is definitely wisdom in bringing some outside resources into this process. In their time with Carly she became emotional when she was answering their questions about previous relationships and being treated unkindly. As she discussed the ‘interview’ with the rest of the girls in the house she made a simple and profound statement about her show of emotions with the sisters:

“The things you become emotional about are the things that are most important.”

Regardless of our backgrounds (ethnicities, parts of the country, religion, etc.) there seems to be a resounding theme of the expression of emotions being slightly dangerous. As I continue with my own therapeutic journey and sit in the presence of so many others as they share their stories, I hear over and over just how difficult it is to express emotion over anything—good, bad or even devastating. People seem to have ingrained messages stemming from years and decades ago that tell them to keep their emotions under wraps lest they be judged by others or their emotions would be seen as a weakness. 

I’ve seen this to be especially true when it comes to the topic of dating and relationships. As much as I find myself getting annoyed at the girls on the Bachelor gushing all of their emotions and terms of endearment towards their suitor (which I am sure are at least, in part, scripted), I can’t help but feel a tug at my own heart knowing that it would be nearly impossible to get me to say things like that because of the emotional strings attached to my words. To display my thoughts and emotions to someone, let alone a national audience, would be, at the very least, vulnerable. To not display emotion about something or someone I care about feels far safer and more secure; it’s a layer of protection that I can offer myself in case something doesn’t worked out as I had hoped. 

I see this all the time in relationships—we tell ourselves that we’re not that into someone or that it didn’t feel that terrible to be broken up with or disappeared on. We rationalize the situation, we informationalize (I think I just made that word up!) the situation, we think of 10,000 possibilities for what we might have done wrong in the relationship that we can now be working on…we do anything other than sitting in the emotional pain of feeling something towards another and it not being reciprocated. Becoming emotional about something, showing feelings, getting angry and crying are all signs that someone or something has had an impact on us. But showing emotion is vulnerable. It means that someone has the power to hurt you, to wound you; and in being vulnerable you are willingly exposing yourself to that potential without necessarily knowing the outcome. 

But I wonder if that vulnerability of emotion can, like Miss Carly said, show us also the things that are the most important to us. Things like kindness and compassion; being treated with equality and respect. Maybe showing emotion over something shows us that we really do want a relationship rather than having to hide behind a mask of fierce independence. Maybe showing emotion shows us and others that we are not an impenetrable force but rather a living, breathing, soft human being. What if acknowledging our emotion and understanding what is motivating it can point us in the direction of what we are passionate about in life, in relationships and in the world? 

What a gift we would miss if we shielded ourselves from emotion to keep away the hurt but also ended up keeping out the utter joy and bliss of finding out what is most important to us. 

I Have to Earn a Kiss

The Bachelor season is again upon us, which means that there are many life lessons to be learned in the next couple months through the mistakes (and a few moments of triumph) from others! 

I admit, I LOVE Farmer Chris. Had it not been for the fact that I would be an absolutely terrible contestant (I mean, can you imagine being a therapist in a house full of dramatic girls all fighting over the same guy?), the fact that I hate being the center of attention, that I wouldn’t want my relationship viewed by all of America or having to move to Iowa if I, by chance, ended up as “the one”, I might have considered signing up for the show. Alas, I am far more comfortable sitting in sweats with popcorn and wine on a Monday night trying to guess who he picks through my Bachelor Fantasy League! 

Normally I will write a blog and then let it sit for several weeks before posting it just to let things really marinate, but I feel like I would be missing out on something great if I didn’t process through a few of the things that stuck out from this last night's episode. 

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Prince Farming’s quest for love, the one thing you need to know is that he has been kissing a lot of girls. Like a lot. Almost to the point of awkwardness and it’s causing a lot of dramatic tension between the girls. Any time there seems to be a hint of chemistry or connection between Chris and a girl, it seems to end up in a make out session. 

Except for Becca. 

Becca has been one of my favorites from the beginning. From the moment she stepped out of the limo and gave Chris a hug, there was definite chemistry between them. (I have her going pretty far in my Bachelor Fantasy League for that reason alone!) She hasn’t stood out much though in the last couple episodes as she has been surrounded by many aggressive and outgoing personality types. But this week the viewers finally got to see some one-on-one time between she and Chris during the latter part of the group date. It was effortless, cute, authentic and there was definite chemistry—and in the made-for-TV-perfect-kiss-moment, Becca chose a hug from Chris instead of a kiss. 

After the hug she let him know that while she wanted to kiss him and that it would be a perfect spot, given the backdrop, she wanted to make an unnatural dating situation as natural as possible. She let him know that she didnt’ want to rush into anything physical and handle this dating relationship any different than she would off the show. His response to her: “thats ok! I have to earn a kiss from you” and then he gave her the group date rose!

It’s pretty comical to watch the expression of the other women on the group date as he gave her that rose; many of them were the ones who just moments before had thrown themselves at him, initiated make out sessions and come back bragging about their time with Chris. It would seem though that Becca’s confidence in herself and her values seemed to be of much more appeal to Chris. 

Essentially, Becca is a bitch.

Ok, wait…before you get all up in arms that I just called Becca a bitch, hear me out! A little while back I started reading a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was hesitant to read it because the way we normally associate the word “bitch” is anything but a compliment…but having heard from a couple other people that there were some good concepts in there, I picked it up and started reading. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the book. Well really, I hate it. I hate that she makes so many valid points. And I hate that the points that she makes are valid because of the way our culture has evolved to view dating as such a game of cat and mouse that it nearly makes it impossible to be your normal self in order to get a guy. As Ms. Argov explains, a woman has to exude a form of bitchiness in order to keep the intrigue and attention of a man. She describes a bitch not as someone who creates drama, is a diva or is blatantly mean or disrespectful to others, but rather someone who looks out for her own well being first and sees her value as more than being able to keep a really cute guy (or hot farmer!) In her words, a bitch is someone who is kind and strong—someone who feels ok playing her cards close to her chest, per say, and demanding respect by not allowing men to take advantage of her or devalue her by their fleeting urges. 

Though I am not keen on the term ‘bitch’, I can get on board with the concept. And, according to Ms. Argov’s research, a man loves to chase and pursue—something that the nice girl says she wants a man to do but makes it too easy on him by giving in, giving up and letting go of herself. Apparently men are intrigued by someone who can show restraint, self-respect and holds themselves in high regard (I know this should not come as a surprise, but given the fish in the sea that I have experienced, men certainly don’t give off this impression!) 

In not kissing Chris, Becca sets herself a part from the rest of the group. While the rest of the girls are looking for spare opportunities to make out with Chris, Becca waits and lets Chris come to her. She has a sort of intrigue and mysteriousness that many of the other girls checked the moment they got out of the limo. By her instance on holding back, she states (without words) that she is someone who is worth getting to know, to fight for and that she would choose him rather than needing him. And Chris notices. 

I don’t know how the relationship with Chris and Becca turns out; I haven’t read the spoilers—but I would guess that she makes it pretty far if she continues to hold herself in this regard. 

In talking with another single girlfriend of mine about this concept of being a bitch there is an amount of both freedom and exhaustion that is felt. Exhaustion in the sense that it feels really inauthentic to not be able to be myself in a relationship—having to worry that if I care too much, share too much or tell him how much I like him too soon that he will be driven away (by my “overbearing personality”). It’s exhausting to have to be so calculated: not invite him to your house until a certain point, wait a certain number of dates to increase physical affection, watch the clock and give yourself a chunk of time in between communications. And it’s exhausting to have to be the one who has to keep all these concepts at the front of your mind and make sure they are implemented seamlessly, especially when it seems like the guy has freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and can snatch us up whenever he finally decides to land? Since when did playing the bitch card become the norm? 

But as much as I want to rebel against all of these concepts, I do have to acknowledge that this is the unfortunate reality of how we live and how we date. I don’t like it; I’m not required to like it. But I do need to do something with it. And that is where the freedom part comes in. I know these things now, and despite my aversion to them, at least I am not in the dark. But moreover, it prompts me into a place of looking out for myself that never should have become abnormal anyways. And therein lies the freedom. I don’t love the chase and hustle of dating, but if looking out for myself means that I am treated with respect and honor, then I win. It might be really difficult to not invite someone over, or someone in after a great date, but if that increases his intrigue in me, affirming that I am someone who is not merely a good time but someone who is of worth, I win then as well. 

So, as much as I hate it, I guess I’m gonna try to be a bitch. 

Closing the Door

As I have noted in other blog posts I have written, I am someone who values symbolism in most everything. And if something does not have apparent symbolism, I am sure to find it! 

To this end, New Years has always been a relieving time for me. It’s the time of year where we are offered new beginnings, a chance to start new habits and move on from the year—which is often times very welcome if the previous year has been a rough one. 2014 has been just the type of year I had hoped for it to be. Coming off of a few years of tumultuous relationships and figuring things out, 2014 seemed to be a brighter year from the beginning; it was this gut feeling I had that 2014 would not be like the years past. I’m happy to say, sitting on the tail end of 2014, that I was right. Now, don’t get me wrong, this year was filled with a TON of changes, processing and difficult endeavors, but each one of those experiences produced strength, vulnerability, confidence and healing in a different sort of way than in years past. 

Normally sometime after Thanksgiving each year I sit down, journal in hand, and think about all the things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I love lists, so I break down my goals into categories (financial, personal, professional, physical fitness, etc.) and dream of all the things that I would love to accomplish by the end of the next calendar year. This year, however, it felt different. As I looked over many of the goals I had set for myself in 2014, I was sadly dismayed by the number of boxes that I got to check off…or rather the lack of boxes that I checked off. Under normal circumstances this might lead to a slight berating of myself; I have a pretty high level of expectation that I typically feel I need to achieve. Call it change, awareness or Divine intervention, as I looked at the amount of unchecked boxes as compared to what was checked, I felt a strange sense of peace in knowing that I had accomplished exactly what I needed to accomplish this year. Nothing less and nothing more. Though many of the things on the list had not been accomplished as I sat and pondered over the year I realized that what I had “accomplished” spiritually, emotionally, personally and professionally was far  more than any list could encompass. 

This got me thinking. As much as the New Year is a time of setting goals for what the upcoming year should look like and what I should seek to accomplish, perhaps the New Year is also about letting go of the things that don’t really matter and instead embracing exactly where you are at. I’m not talking about being lazy or lacking ambition but rather recognizing the expectations and hustle I place on myself and seeking instead, enjoyment in how far you have come. Maybe the new year is about closing doors—closing doors to past behaviors, relationships and chapters of life. And yes, while the closing of one door inevitably leads to opening a new door, maybe the focus is not so much on what door needs to be opened next but rather the simple recognition and celebration of understanding what needs to be let go of and closed. 

Around the end of the summer I had this weird, yet pervasive, thought that 2015 was going to be my year. I don’t totally know what that means yet (I’ll tell you about this time next year). As I dreamed about it’s possibilities I thought perhaps that 2015 would be about losing weight, finding a lasting relationship, working on writing a book or perhaps even having a certain amount of money in savings (all themes that have made the list before and gone unaccomplished to some extent). Mentally I even began creating goals around these things and a path of how to get there. I quickly caught myself though and wondered if 2015 was indeed my year, then perhaps how I started the year needed to be different than how other years began. I can’t help but wonder if 2015 being “my year” means letting go of all the things that I think I need to achieve and closing that door of my life. The door that represents striving, perfectionism, expectation, shame, anxiety and the hustle of life. Maybe closing that door represents acceptance and not changing a darn thing about myself! Maybe closing that door even means that I take on less, that I do what I love and that I make taking care of myself one of my top priorities. Closing the door then means that it’s less about a list of what I should do and more about being ok with all the things I don’t really need to do. 

The “Seize the Day” part of me struggles with this new mentality. While it knows that not making a list of goals doesn’t mean I’ll sit in front of the TV instead, this part is chomping at the bit to take action even when I think about taking a year and doing the things that I love (or maybe even figuring out what it is that I love!) I’m working on nurturing this part, offering gratitude for the ambition and motivation it gives me and reassuring it that by it not having to work so hard there is a possibility of laughing more, having fun, enjoying the present moment and living with a sense of peace and serenity. And when that part can be reigned in and I am able to sit in the present moment, there is a clear recognition that the last few years have brought about tremendous change in every area of my life and I really like who I am. And I think maybe that’s what 2015 being my year is all about…

So whatever this year is for you, dear reader—whether it is closing out on the worst year of your life, being hopeful about the new year with new goals and ambitions or somewhere in between, my hope for you is that you can rest in each present moment and that 2015 will be your year.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I love my job, I really do. Being a therapist is my dream job and I could never imagine doing anything else. Being a therapist has allowed me to come into contact, daily, with the rawness of humanity and has taught me how to love people in a nonjudgmental and unique way that hopefully inspires healing. In many ways, being a therapist has saved me from myself! 

But in seeing the rawness of humanity you also see the drama of humanity. 

Due to the clientele that I find myself drawn to (women who have been in or are getting out of an abusive relationship, co-dependent individuals and women in their 20’s and 30’s), I am faced, daily, with huge doses of second-hand drama. Luckily for me, I have learned how to keep drama at the office and not bring it into my personal life! That aside, as I have sat with these beautiful and special women day after day, I have noticed a trend. It seems, with no exaggeration, that for many of these women, no matter how dramatic they are, no matter how much baggage they bring into a relationship, no matter how much they say and do the absolute opposite of what they should do (the healthy thing to do), how fast they push the relationship and how much they demand from their boyfriend, they seem to always have a man by their side. And not only that, but a man who sticks with them…even when the relationship is brand new! 

I find myself asking over and over why all of these women can keep a man and I can’t???

Now, I fully admit that I have done my share of sabotaging and I have probably even made things dramatic when it really wasn’t needed. But I am aware enough of myself and work on myself enough to know that this is not my norm, I catch myself in the act and I nip it in the bud. This has not come without great effort (and many mistakes), but it’s something within myself that I am proud to have developed! And yet, I sit with these women daily who can be dramatic, irrational, overly emotional, accusatory, projecting on ‘their man’ and having inflated expectations—who are never single—and I can’t get a guy to stick around for more than a couple months. Excuse the language, but WTF???

In beginning of writing this blog I did my own form of reflective research and thought about several of the men I have dated in the past couple years and what the turning point was in the relationship that made them start to back away… While I fully acknowledge that I had a hand in many of these situations and my anxiety sometimes got the best of me, what I noticed is that whenever the relationship started to fizzle was when I had a “meltdown”. Yes, I put quotes around meltdown because when I compare my story to that of my clients, it’s a blip on the radar… My meltdowns:

1. The time that a guy I had been dating a couple months asked me if I would be ok with him going to a strip club with a friend—my response: I went waaaaaaaay inward and got very quiet and finally was able to say that it was an insecurity of mine, something about body image issues and that I would prefer that he didn’t go. A few days later was the last time I saw him. 
2. The time the guy I had been dating for a couple months long distance told me he wanted to be a white water rafting guide, meaning that by the time he was done with that gig we would have been dating nearly 9 months and seen each other less than 20 times. In this he thought he could fit me into his schedule once every couple weeks—when I asked how that was a progressing relationship, and not a hook up, he told me I expected too much and after ending the conversation he never spoke to me again.
3. The time when the guy I was dating had talked about getting together one evening after work; after him telling me he would call me when he was done eating to make plans for the night and not contacting me for 4 hours I asked him if he wouldn’t mind simply telling me the next time that it wasn’t going to work to hang out that night if he knew he didn’t want to/had other plans or something came up. After hearing about how that was too intense of a conversation for that point in the relationship and telling me that it was my problem, he slowly started to back off in communication until one day, a couple weeks later, he disappeared altogether. 
4. Oh yeah, and then the time that I asked my boyfriend of a couple months for an idea of what he thought the future would look like in terms of a timeline—this only after he had told me he loved me, he wanted to marry me, asked me how much he could spend on a ring and talked about asking my dad for permission to marry me—he said I was putting him in a box and pressuring him too much…a week later we were broken up.

Ok, stop laughing…yes, those truly were my “meltdowns” and those truly were the responses. I look back and see that there were a few things that I could have done differently in each situation. But generally speaking, my meltdowns that I had were about a .0000001 on the Richter Scale; certainly not worthy of breaking off a relationship over. Now, I am also aware enough to realize that if those “meltdowns” were the reason for a break up, there were probably other things going on—other things that it’s probably good I didn’t have to bear witness to on down the road, but still…that certainly does nothing for a girl’s confidence…and leads me to believe perhaps I should consciously be immature, dramatic, needy, clingy and have a lot of issues that need to be solved in order to keep a boyfriend. 

This trend has me absolutely befuddled and I admit, I am still grasping for reasons this happens. After enlisting the wisdom and support of one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends about this we are still completely confused but have recognized a few things…  When something happens to me, whether it be in a relationship or life in general, it seems there are two ways to go about handling about it:

The first way is to react…meaning go with my gut, say whatever comes to mind, get dramatic, yell, scream, cry, give the silent treatment, become manipulative, project, become the victim, become passive aggressive or maybe even downright aggressive! Reaction means I can do anything I want to do in order to get my point across, soothe my wounds and protect myself without necessarily taking into account how that other person might feel that is the recipient of your reaction. The goal for this situation then becomes to simply restore a sense of normal as fast as possible. As long as the other person complies with your wish as fast as possible the hope is that the situation will calm down. Unfortunately, this type of handling never seems to solve the root issue because the next time that someone does something you don’t like, the reaction is the same. As big and dramatic as this form of handling is, I can’t help but wonder if it’s preferable for a man. There is something tangible to fix. She wanted you to pick up toilet paper on the way home…run to Target and pick it up. Problem solved. As confused as that man might be in regards to what just happened, as soon as it starts, he knows exactly what to do to make it better.  Men love fixing things, so this reaction, in a weird way, speaks a language they understand. 

The second way to handle a situation is to respond. Responding to a situation means one much be must slower, reflective and understanding of what is truly going on inside of them. Responding to a situation requires that one must first go inwards and recognize the underlying emotion and message that is being triggered in the situation and then deal with that first before bringing someone else into that space. Responding to a situation means owning my response, anxiety and desire to act out of rage and spend a minute identifying what part of me has just been wounded and what is really going on and why I have the urge to get really big or hide from the situation. When I go through this process internally and with awareness I can then reach out to the person I am trying to communicate with and let them know what just happened for me and what I need from them (compassion, empathy, affirmation, support, etc.) And while at face value this seems like it should be no big deal to offer this to someone, it also requires that the other person dig deeper within themselves and tap into that same, deep place in order to offer back to you what you are asking for. It’s more than getting toilet paper from Target or making the bed the next morning. 

It seems to me that when a strong and aware woman shows a vulnerable side of her the man must also be strong and aware in order to be vulnerable himself and offer the deeper, empathetic response. But that, my friends, is hard to do. It means I might have to tap into something in myself that I don’t like. It means it’s not about being right or wrong. It means it’s actually not even about fixing something. It’s simply about being present and open, and that is much easier said than done. In fact, it’s so much easier said than done that in those moments where a deeper response is required, it feels better to give back your own reaction. 

As I reflect back on my ‘meltdown’s’ that I have had (above), I can say with certainty that each time I responded rather than reacted. Each time I have expressed my concern only after an internal process has taken place and I am able to identify where it hurts, what I need to do myself and what I might need from the other person. And each time I asked for what I needed it came after being brutally honest with myself and recognizing at the core level I had been touched. And when I think about it, it probably does seem easier to buy crunchy peanut butter instead of creamy and take the garbage out rather than empathically taking someone into consideration, acknowledging them at their deepest level and responding accordingly.

I have to be honest…I don’t know if this is why when a ‘meltdown’ occurs I find myself being phased out of someone’s life. Maybe I have really bad manners, laugh with a horses whinney or have poor hygiene. (And if that’s the case, will someone please tell me?!?) But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to stop responding. And while I am aware that this does not come naturally for people, men and women alike, if someone isn’t interested in at least trying, then perhaps he’s not my guy.

I realize I am a strong and independent women. I think that’s probably an attractive quality to men as they seek a potential partner. But more than those characteristics, I am a human. I have emotions, thoughts, experiences, wounds and desires to prove it. But this doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t make me dependent. It doesn’t (necessarily) make me dramatic, immature or irrational. It simply points to my humanity. And after having spent enough years of my life trying to hide it, deny it or conform it to someone else’s ideal and it’s not something I am interested in anymore. And to that end, if his reaction to my humanity is to walk away, I will stay true to myself and continue to respond.