Chivalry is Dead

It’s no secret that I meet the fine specimen that I go out with, from a dating website. I’ve gone back and forth regarding if I actually like doing this (or want to admit it that I’m doing it!), but since going to a bar or a club is of no interest to me and I don’t have many friends who know single men, online dating has been where I have landed. And, at the very least, I have ended up with some absolutely crazy stories...sprinkled with many moments of shock and a few heartbreaks. I have learned a lot too—about myself, about relationships, about men, about expectations and about chivalry. Or lack thereof. 

I wish I would have kept count of the number of profiles I have read that say something to the effect of “…most think chivalry doesn’t exist anymore, but I disagree; I know how to treat a woman.” At first I smiled at this statement, thinking that perhaps this was a caring and sensitive man who truly was different than the rest. But after going out with 35+ men from various dating websites, I have come to recognize that their version of chivalry in treating a woman does not go much beyond putting your best foot forward on a first date. And sometimes not even that far. 

So why do I say chivalry is dead? Well, let’s start by looking at the definitions of chivalry:

chivalry |ˈSHivəlrē|

noun

the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.

• historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively: I fought against the cream of French chivalry.

• the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

• courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women: their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint.

1 acts of chivalry: gallantry, gentlemanliness, courtesy, courteousness, politeness, graciousness, mannerliness, good manners. ANTONYMS rudeness.

(Take note that in the definition of chivalry itself, it states behavior of a man towards a woman!) 

I have used both the free and pay-for dating websites as avenues of obtaining dates. Prior to knowing the truth about the free sites (that they are actually primarily sites designed for hooking up), the appeal was that it was free. All 13 boys I accepted a date from off of one particular site, with the exception of one man (who I actually went out with several times before he…disappeared…), asked me for sex on the first date without even knowing my last name!  There have been a handful of others, from other sites, who have made it past the first date (usually just because they didn’t ask me for sex!) who then ask for, or rather expect, sex on the second date. 

In refusing their offers for sex, or going to their houses, or even for not kissing them or declining another date, I have been called a prude, religious, a person with baggage and abnormal. In moments where I have stated that I am not comfortable with certain conversation topics or actions, I have been told that I have too much baggage and that I am projecting my past relationships onto him. In asking a guy to be straightforward with me, I have been called desperate, told that I wanted too much and of course been bold-faced lied to. Because I have refused to send pictures of myself via text message I have been called old-fashioned, rigid and uninteresting (usually followed with no further communication from that guy). 

Now, I am not one to judge what your personal standards are regarding what we feel comfortable with talking about, texting about or if/when sex should happen in dating (maybe we’ll talk about that in another blog), but I am sorry…opening up the door to the dining establishment and paying for my dinner (that you probably asked me to go to with you via text message), does not make you chivalrous, standing head and shoulder above the “rest of the men out there”.  Nor should it give you the assumption that because you have done these grand acts I should repay you by sleeping with you! If that’s chivalry, then I want out (or at the very least I think we should petition to get the dictionary definition changed)! 

That version of chivalry seems to be, according to the definition above, the antonym of chivalry: rudeness. 

I can imagine you are probably sitting here, reading this blog with one of two expressions on your face. You are either horrified that this exists OR you are nodding your head (even reluctantly) because you know this to be the truth of the dating world now. 

One thing that this blog is NOT is a man-hating blog. That’s not my goal at all, but rather to offer an honest perspective on what it’s like to be in the dating world today as an older (and totally awesome), not-in-her-20’s-woman. So, while we can’t ignore the honest reality of the dwindling definition of chivalry, the other thing we can’t ignore is why we allow it (squirm!) See, it would seem that it’s a vicious cycle: men treat women like this because women allow it (even sub-consciously). Women allow it because they have come to expect it and don’t understand that they can and should be treated differently. And I think it’s fair to say that women allow it because it’s rare to be treated differently (respect, courteous, with high regard, care, etc.) So we lead ourselves to believe that our expectations are too high, our standards are too picky and we need to let loose just a bit.  

The landscape of dating has changed drastically in the past 15-20 years; both positively and negatively. Growing up in a highly religious home afforded me a very sheltered, limited and terrifying view of dating and relationships (anyone ever read that book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye?…don’t. Worst. Dating Book. Ever.) So between coming out of that and then our culture changing (again, both in highly positive ways and then some not-so-positive ways), you can imagine the element of trauma that silently weaves through so many of my dating experiences! And in navigating through this maze of relationships, while I have been dumped on a few more time than I would have liked, I regret to say, I have made my fair share of mistakes. And that’s where we as women need to take a bit of ownership—in our part—because chivalry didn’t become this way as a result of just one of the genders!

There is this balance it seems like we are trying to maintain between desperation and being a prude. It harkens back to last week’s blog in a way, in that for varying reasons, fighting for ourselves has become a foreign concept. It’s easy to believe that we have slim pickins’…great guys don’t seem to be for sale at WalMart (but man, if they were!) When the scenery looks dismal however, it doesn’t mean that it’s completely my/our problem; that we have to lower our standards or expectations of what is an appropriate, respectful, courteous and honoring way to be treated. Unfortunately, I know I’ve made a habit of doing just that at times! And when I lower my standards and accept behavior that is less than chivalrous, it makes it easier for us to accept it from the next guy and for the next guy to treat another lady in the same way. Vicious cycle. 

It would be nice if we could stop and reverse this cycle. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don’t see that happening on a corporate level anytime soon!  BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t in my own life. It doesn’t mean YOU can’t in your life. It is OK to have certain expectations for dating. It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to ask a guy to call you and ask you out versus him doing it via text message. Sex shouldn’t be an expectation, it’s an act of love and intimacy (those two things aren’t usually associated with a first date, so it’s ok to turn the offer down.) It’s ok if you don’t want to be in a private setting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sexting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sending photographs of yourself (clothed or unclothed). It’s also ok to not talk about certain topics, subjects or parts of your life until that person has earned the right to hear them. Despite what today’s dating scene suggests, not doing these things hardly make you a prude!

When I first opened my business, I remember having a conversation with a friend regarding if prices on services should be reduced when the customer flow wasn’t as ample. It was easy in those slow moments to believe it was something about me (perhaps my prices were too high, I over estimated my quality, etc.), rather than the normal ebb and flow of business. She encouraged me to not sell myself short; to keep my prices as they were (because that was what I was worth), and trust that the customers would come through the door when they were supposed to. From a business perspective, while this has been a step of faith many times, she was/is exactly right. I keep my prices and services at the level they are because I am worth it. If someone complains, I don’t take it personally. I simply recognize that us doing business together is not going to be a fit. I do this because my business is part of my livelihood and if someone doesn’t respect that, no disrespect to them, but I don’t need to be associated with that person.

Are we seeing the connections here? 

I Will Fight for Me

Well, we have survived another season of The Bachelor. Survived seems like the right way to put it…from the bachelor being wishy washy, two faced, hypocritical and downright rude, Juan Pablo has been referred to as the “worst bachelor ever”.  While I wasn’t too impressed with him, the purpose of this blog isn’t to give my opinions on what he should or should not have done, but rather to focus on the girl he “rejected” at the Final Rose Ceremony. Clare.

I have to admit, even though Clare was a bit intense at times and she chose to step out of the limo that first night sporting a VERY large baby bump, I liked her. As the season wore on and she received criticism from social media, what became more apparent to me is that his 32 year old hairdresser was more like me than I wanted to initially admit. While I might not go on a TV show to find love (to all my friends who keep encouraging me to apply…sorry!), Clare represented my demographic. 

Clare began the season telling viewers that her heart was ice…not because she wanted it to be, but because life had served her experiences and relationships that made it easier to become cold and frigid rather than getting hurt one more time. Throughout the season she would reference back to that heart of ice as she put herself out there, expressed her feelings and slowly started to let the ice melt. She expressed her fear and anxiety, her hesitation, her love, her excitement, her frustration. She was visibly irritated when other girls would get time with Juan Pablo, she looked for opportunities to spend time with him, she was crushed when Juan Pablo turned the tables on her and blamed her for a late night swim in the ocean. She clearly spent time thinking about the relationship, she looked for ways to respect Juan Pablo and slowly but surely allowed herself to fall for this man. 

Now, this most certainly could have been a storyline for TV; but either Clare is a fabulous actor, or she was just being her. And I tend to believe the latter. But while America laughed at Clare, I cheered for her (even if it was silently!) See, I am very much like Clare. I too fear that I have a heart of ice. 

As I sat in my therapist’s office a couple weeks ago, I shared with her my fear that, even though I didn’t experience anxiety or even a significant amount of sadness over the last guy who left, the next guy who came along was having to start with a major disadvantage even though he, himself, hadn’t done anything. It truly made me sad that this string of guys who have been so flippant with who I am have caused me to crawl back into my turtle shell a bit and at the very least remain skeptical. I’m not a man hater, I still believe in relationships; in fact, I have great hope that I will be in one with a man who is amazing, but it is difficult to not let your heart freeze just a little bit when that rejection comes…one. more. time. 

I cheered right along with the audience as Clare refused a hug from Juan Pablo after he rejected her; her response to him was strong and honest; it left no questions. She held it together as she walked away from Juan Pablo, narrowly escaping his under the breath statement, “whew, glad I didn’t choose her!” (Don’t even get me started on how infuriating that statement was; or how telling of his character!) After hugging the host of the show, Chris Harrison, Clare gave a heartfelt interview on what it was like for her to stand alone. Again. Her words, “…Where’s the man that makes me feel like I am worthy? Where’s the man that will fight for me?” made my heart ache as I saw myself in her, leaving that island, wondering how to put all the pieces back together. 

After a few more minutes of watching Juan Pablo do what he does best…be himself…the “After the Final Rose” special began to air. Even through the TV screen, you could feel the tension, the awkwardness and a cloud of confusion as people tried to figure out what had just happened. Without wasting time, Chris Harrison told viewers that Clare would be the first to be interviewed. I admit, I was a bit apprehensive. I expected Clare to come out and talk about how betrayed, rejected and used she felt. And to be honest, she would have had every right to do so; no one would have questioned a sad and utterly confused response from a jaded Clare. But that’s not what she did.

Juan Pablo being...Juan Pablo.."eeesss ok!"

Clare walked on stage, looking stunning, and honestly and articulately shared that while she was sad, and being rejected was not something she enjoyed, she did not need time with Juan Pablo to try and get answers (or, as she put it, “get fed with more BS”). Her secret in all of this? It was standing up for herself that moment she walked away from Juan Pablo. It was, as she stated during the “After the Final Rose” special, being able to, for the first time, stand up for herself and say exactly how she felt and exactly what she thought. Her ability to fight for herself was what allowed her the closure she needed to move on from this relationship. 

That statement really hit home with me. I have felt, the older I have gotten, less freedom to truly stand up for myself and state what I need, what I want, what I feel or what I think. There is this subtle fear that can sweep over me in moments where I should stand up for myself, but wonder if it’s really worth it. This internal battle causes me to go back and forth wondering if I DO stand up for myself and speak my piece, if he will leave and I will be alone…again. I am constantly weighing if it is worth being true to myself or just better to stay quiet (at the expense of myself). 

It wasn’t too long ago that I was faced with the opportunity to stay quiet, as I always had, or to stand up for myself. Staying quiet meant I could keep someone by my side…a warm body. But it also meant staying in a relationship with no emotional safety and security; no stability. And while I knew how to function quite well in the relationship, since it was familiar to me, it began to become clear that standing up for myself would be less scary than to not. So the day came where I severed all ties, used my voice and walked away. It was not without great emotion, pain and heart break, but I did it. Many months of therapy, processing, lonely nights and re-discovering myself and what life was all about ensued. (I actually think I have tendinitis in my elbow from the pages and pages I wrote in my journal!) And while it was not without significant pain and heartache, the moment I stood up for myself was pivotal; fighting for myself gave my life back. And interestingly enough, I have found that standing up for myself has kept my heart un-frozen. It has given me permission to trust myself and my gut and to recognize the value and honor I have in myself as a woman. 

Clare’s line in her final interview after being rejected by Juan Pablo, was “…where’s the man that will fight for me?” is a line I have repeated to myself hundreds, if not thousands, of times. And while I look forward to the day that there will be an answer (in the form of an actual man) to that question, I think Clare figured out that day (when she left Juan Pablo on that beach) what I figured out the day I left my ex…that at the very least, if no one else will fight for me, I will fight for me. Because I am worth fighting for. And so are you.

Cue the Rocky theme song...

Here I Go Again on My Own...

Another weekend and I am at home by myself. Not that it differs too much from the past couple years worth of weekends, but this weekend was supposed to be different. As I write this, I am supposed to be in Mississippi visiting the guy that I have been dating for the past couple months. Supposed to be. I realized a few days ago, however, that in the last 18 days I have been the one to begin all conversations via text messaging, have either called him or asked him to call  me and have made myself 100% available to whenever he wanted to get together. So, after a rushed conversation on Thursday night in which he told me he would talk to me Friday morning, I decided to see if he would make good on his word. So I waited…and waited…and waited. It’s Sunday. Still no word.

Several months ago I would have been a puddle of tears and anxiety if this had happened. I would have spent the entire weekend checking my phone (of course texting other people, just to make sure that my phone was working), wondering and waiting, probably re-hashing every conversation, every voice inflection, re-reading all of our texts, looking for a clue—searching for some possible meaning of his absence. I would have doubted myself, sat in shame, written countless pages in my journal wondering what it is about me that makes men disappear and searching Amazon for the latest dating self help books…searching tirelessly for that “missing link” to keeping a relationship that I was somehow missing. 

But I’m not living in the past [several months], I’m living in the now.  So, while I am happy to say that I didn’t waste my weekend wondering what in the hell was going on and what was wrong with me, it’s sad that I have come to expect this with men. This disappearing act has become par for course and I am not the least bit surprised. In the last year, this is the 5th time this has happened to me. Yes, you read that correctly…FIVE TIMES this has happened to me. And I’m not talking about someone I have gone on one date with who never calls again (there are MANY more of those guys too!) I’m talking guys where there has been some investment, time spent, experiences and conversations. Guys who talked about the future, who talked about being in a relationship…guys who told me I was “unlike anyone else they had dated.” Disappeared. No reason given as to the relationship ending; just left. Gone from my life, forever.

Dating in your 30’s is a totally different ball game. People in their 20’s don't get it. Our married friends don’t remember it. And our friends who were married at age 21, as is so common here in the South, literally cannot comprehend the language we speak in being single at 30 (to all my married at 21 friends out there…you know I love you, but let’s be honest…you have no idea what it’s like.) 

Trauma is defined as “…a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. I looked up words that go along with trauma and here is what I found: shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, torture; ordeal, trial, tribulation, trouble, worry, anxiety; nightmare, hell, hellishness; war-weariness. In essence, my dating life. 

I am just going to put it out there: Dating after 30 is traumatic. It’s a battle of finding a balance between knowing what you need and want in a relationship and not coming across as desperate. It’s facing this cold, ugly reality that you’re a great girl who wants a great guy living in a world where 25 great girls must compete for one great guy (it’s like we live in our own version of “The Bachelor”). It’s figuring out how to keep putting yourself out there time and time again after you’ve been rejected, not called back or walked out on. It’s facing well meaning friends and family who try to encourage you to be patient and keep your chin up as there are “many fish in the sea” when in reality you just want to tell them that every time they say those things it’s like a slap in the face. It’s pretending to be excited (and sometimes actually excited) when someone else is happy in their relationship and you still have a “cold side” of the bed. It’s facing those daunting realities that life is looking much different than you planned and balancing not letting go of those desires to be in a relationship but not becoming consumed, bitter and cynical with it. I could go on, but I think you get it. 

So, my friends, I’m not in the business of wrapping this up, tying a bow and making this look pretty. While I am not an advocate for cynicism and the isolation that naturally comes from that, I also don’t think we have to deny the honest reality of our relational life. I guess maybe that’s the bow…just recognizing the reality of what we’re going through and, at the very least, giving ourselves permission to be honest and admit that it sucks. 

Until next time…