Finale. Finally.

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Finally. The Bachelorette finale—the end to the most dramatic season ever—was aired last night. For quite some time Monday nights have been my favorite. Watching the Bachelor/ette has been fairly cathartic, a chance to zone out a bit, laugh and watch a train wreck happening while knowing full well that it's not my train wreck to have to deal with. But over the last six weeks or so (with the exception of the Men Tell All), I have found myself more and more reluctant to watch it. The show got me more hyped up and anxious rather than relaxed. And...wait for it...I almost opted not to watch it last night!!! Gilmore Girls sounded so much more appealing! But alas, I did watch it and as I sit here and write I feel a major sense of relief. 

My desire is to live life as drama free as possible. I mean, sure, the sheer fact that we are humans in relationships means we cannot eliminate drama and chaotic situations entirely. The fact that we all have different opinions, preferences and values, means that at some point or another drama has the potential to happen. 

One of the things I love the most about having my own office is that it is a sacred space for other people to come and share their stories (...and drama) and then, when I am done at the end of the day, I can close my door, lock it and literally walk away from all that I heard that day. I get paid to deal with chaos in my professional life so I shy away from immersing myself in it in my personal life. I have made boundaries with relationships (of all levels of depth) to ensure that the people I most closely surround myself with aren't interested in stirring things up or aren't always found at the center of drama with other relationships in their lives. Drama makes me tired. It makes me anxious and I can feel it in my entire body. It makes me want to run away, to hide and sometimes to isolate.

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During one of the most difficult periods of my life, when I was dating my abusive ex-boyfriend, I was introduced to a group of people who later became my friends. While I was honored to be interacting with these people as I had heard so much about them from my ex, I slowly started to realize that anytime I was with them there was some major crisis, fight, gossip and general drama that presided over the room. My head would literally spin trying to keep everyone’s stories straight, knowing who I could talk to about what and fearing that if I said the wrong thing it would somehow get back to someone who would then start talking about me. The best word I can use to describe it is yucky. In fact, the drama of those relationships had such a deep impact on me that I still sometimes worry that if I invite new people into my life that it will become dramatic all over again. The mere thought of that sounds so unappealing to the point that I would rather just be by myself sometimes.  

[Note: drama and conflict are not interchangeable. Conflict doesn't have to be bad--in fact it can be healthy to disagree with someone, as long as both parties are committed to having appropriate and healthy responses rather than going on the defense and reacting inappropriately. Drama almost certainly leads to conflict; conflict does not have to lead to drama.]

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks on Mondays that I have not had as much exuberance about turning The Bachelorette on, but it took me until last night to consciously realize that my waning interest in my Monday night rituals made me feel as if I had never left my office. Or that I was back in a world where drama and chaos characterized all of my relationships. My head would spin back then and it has certainly been spinning the last few Monday nights! 

This whole concept has really gotten me thinking though. It’s been humbling to realize how many times I do things because I think I am supposed to, because I feel incapable of changing things, because others expect something from me or because questioning the status quo would be perceived as inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a people-pleaser (though I do go through periods where I can be!) but sometimes in those dramatic situations it’s like a car accident that you don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take your eyes off of! 

What I realized last night about the anxiety that The Bachelorette gives me is somewhat of a culmination of what I have been trying to be mindful of in the last year or so. Being in tune with myself, paying attention to the signals my body gives to me, recognizing how I am feeling in the moment, re-vamping areas of my life that feel overwhelming and recognizing the things that give me life, joy and peace. These acts of mindfulness and awareness have de-dramatized my life in such a way that it makes it easier to spot (almost instantly) when something is happening around me that seems to be the opposite of what I value the most. 

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I am grateful for the 6 month break when the new season of The Bachelor will begin airing...hopefully the time off will allow me time to decompress from the chaos that was this season. Truth be told, I don’t foresee anytime in the near-ish future that I would stop watching this show altogether! That being said, knowing how this show has the potential to decrease my desire for peaceful living will now become a sort of filter and may even mean shutting the TV off when I need to—trusting that perhaps my mental sanity is more important than having an episode to dissect at the water cooler the next morning (…not that I have a water cooler, but you get what I mean!)







©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Unlovable?

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The entire season of the Bachelorette has led up to the most recent and amazing episode. Yes, yes, I know that the finale is next week where we are sure to be faced with the “most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history…”, but the episode I am excited for all season is the "Tell All" in which so many questions are answered, there is a free for all in terms of topic, unfiltered comments and we are privy to some off camera antics that we were not aware of during the season. And considering how much drama covered this season, it was sure to be a doozy. I am not joking when I say that one of my bucket list items is to go to a taping of a Tell All...the actual taping lasts sometimes 8-10 hours and we only get to see about an hour and forty minutes...but, I'll take what I can get!

There are many different directions I have thought about writing about in response to the most recent episode: how often people's hatred behind a computer screen seems to disregard the humanity, emotions and soul of the one they are berating... how so many of the guys who barely spoke a full sentence during the season stole the spotlight with their opinions (which, in my opinion were not only not well formulated, but lacking in actual experiences with Kaitlyn to be able to accurately assess the situation…) to the love or hate relationship that people have with our Bachelorette based on a few moments they spend with her each week on TV with about 7 million other people watching. But, lest I hop down a few too many bunny trails, there were a few moments of truth and honesty that, regardless if they were 'made for TV moments', ignited a very eerie sense of "...I know exactly what he is talking about because I am terrified of that too..."

Let me introduce you to Ben Higgins, a 26 year old from Denver who is also likely to be the next Bachelor (thank you lord!) He came in third place, right behind the two kings of drama—Nick and Shawn—but throughout the season carried himself with poise, certainty, sensitivity, confidence and a sort of groundedness that is not only rare for a 26 year old but you could almost feel coming through the TV screen. If only he were 10 years older and lived closer to me...a girl can dream! As we re-watched his "journey" on the Bachelorette there was a replay of a heart tugging moment in which he confesses to Kaitlyn that he fears that there is something wrong with him and that he is unlovable.

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I remember the statement when he originally said it but it really caught my attention when it was replayed last night—perhaps because as we were watching the replay, Ben's face was shown at the bottom of the screen and we got to see his own reactions to the things that he said and what Kaitlyn said to him. A hush seemed to fall over the audience as Ben's comment of wondering if he was unlovable was where we were left hanging in the clip of him that was shown. Chris Harrison, the host and wanna-be therapist, didn't miss a beat and immediately asked Ben if he really felt that way. (And I would imagine there were probably a hundred women who were ready to come to his rescue and profess to him how lovable he actually was, but I digress.) 

In his usual concise and confident manner, Ben answered that he indeed did wonder about that and that it was a legitimate fear of his. He then added on that if he had to guess, he didn't think there would be anyone who at some point didn't wonder if there was something wrong with them or if they were unlovable. Too bad he couldn't see me raising my hand and pointing at myself as he articulated that comment. 

Honestly, I wish I didn't know so keenly how real a fear like that is. 

That thought of “what is wrong with me” is such a devastating thought. It automatically provides me with a downward spiral of focusing on all of the things that are wrong with me that I need to fix (which are, of course, very subjective given the day or season, the meal I just ate or the workout class that I just skipped) in order to not only have nothing wrong with me but to make myself a lovable person. It’s easy to get caught up bargaining with myself with those if/then statements as I try to find all of the tangible ways to improve myself in order to be loved. And truth be told, focusing on this doesn’t lead to productive activity, it only sinks me further into that pit of shame. 

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Those thoughts are also triggered within me when a relationship ends, when I feel forgotten about or when it seems as though I am invisible. It’s only natural, for me, in those moments to wonder if there is something so unappealing about me that is clear to the world and hidden to me. And, because most of the time people who leave our lives (or the ones we feel forgot us) don’t give us an explanation as to their actions, we are left to surmise what happened and put into place an action plan to ensure this type of thing won’t happen again. Surely, we believe—I believe—this will take away the hurt and the pain. Surely this will keep pushing me into the lovable category. 

I’ve thought a lot about this concept of feeling alone, wondering if there is something wrong with me and feeling unloveable. We are living in a world where connection—to others, to information, to other cultures—are all just a click away. And yet more than ever people are feeling lonelier, more depressed and disconnected from actual people. In my opinion, this has to fuel the daunting thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me! My Twitter followers don’t offer to hang out on a lonely Friday night, my obsession with amazon.com only provides me with a mail carrier that likely thinks I am a compulsive shopper and while Tinder tells me I could likely have a one-night-stand with anyone of my choice, the offer doesn’t come with a guarantee that he will still be there the next day when I realize that I am still asking those same daunting questions. 

As an introvert by nature, I do not readily gravitate towards large social situations or seek to place myself in situations where I know no one (or have to make lots of small talk!) It’s easy for me to not only justify but need a night in with a good book or binge watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I have come to realize that part of who I am sometimes requires those things—the down time in order to re-fuel for whatever the next day or week beholds. But as much as I adore Lorelai and Rory Gilmore and as fascinated as I am by the memoirs I read, as soon as I shut the TV off or close the book, I cannot deny that I have gone hours perhaps without any real human connection. Nor can I deny that when I check my phone I see no missed texts or phone calls. I should probably seriously consider a rent-a-friend program to get me out and about! 

If Ben H., the good looking, successful, outstanding Bachelor-to-be can struggle with wondering what is wrong with him and questioning his lovability and the same is true for me then surely there are many other people who have this hidden struggle as well.

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And if not, then someone please introduce me to Ben H. so we can spend our days affirming and loving each other! 

We will all have experiences of someone not feeling the same way as we do. We will likely experience very real things that need to be worked on in our lives in order to make us a healthier and more whole person. We will get hurt, we will experience heartache, we will have those moments of disbelief or even pain as we grow. I know that the mere commonality of this human experience in most of us certainly doesn’t solve all of the problems to feeling unlovable or questions of what is wrong—but I do think that sometimes knowing that you are not alone can alleviate some of the shame and pressure. To know that there are other people who can be deeply empathetic with us if we would allow ourselves to courageously connect to another is healing in and of itself. Knowing there are other people who feel the same way might allow us to bravely engage with another, face our insecurities and take a risk towards fullness of life that, maybe…just maybe, might allow us to come to the reality that not only is there nothing wrong with us but that we matter and are loved by many. 

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

The Bachelorette, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Me (...and You)

Do you know what I have been doing for the last 24 hours in my spare moments? Trying to figure out how on earth I could find any redeeming moments from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette…even a resemblance of a redeeming moment would have been good. To be clear, there were a couple of respectable moments in which trust was built, people were honest and authentic and people having others’ best interests at heart, but outside of those rare little gems, it was another one of those “what did I just watch?” type episodes. I love me some good train wreck moments and drama but this is nearly overwhelming!

So, as I was thinking through what could be redeemable and applicable to write about I kept coming back to one of my favorite movies, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I probably shouldn’t share this with you but when the movie came out I saw it a couple times in the theater and then watched it every day for several days in a row when it came out on DVD. (I think I had a problem…) If you haven’t seen the movie it’s about 2 characters who, for work purposes, end up dating each other as a dare (unbeknownst to the other)—Ben’s goal was to try to get Andi to fall in love with him; Andi’s goal is to start dating a guy and, using all of the stereotypical and cliche female behaviors that tend to turn guys off, see if she could lose him in 10 days. And you can imagine what ensues:

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In some ways this movie is not too far off from the Bachelorette. Relationships that happen quickly, people's lives intertwined in a remarkably fast amount of time, a flood of emotions and the contestants playing the role of both Ben and Andi--trying to make the Lead fall in love with them while simultaneously (at time) pushing them away with their franticness to be seen as "husband material" or "wife material". (What is that anyways?!?) The one thing that we can count on is…you guessed it, drama. And sometimes this doesn’t feel too far from our lives as well; playing the dating game is this mixture of playing hard to get, putting yourself out there, a roller coaster of emotions, hypersensitivity and walls. In the movie, on the Bachelorette and in real life I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not intentionally or not, brought drama into the relationship. Sometimes it feeds our need for reassurance, sometimes it shows us the commitment level of the other person; sometimes we even do it to see if that other person can handle the good, bad and ugly that we inevitably bring to the table. 

Since Ben and Andi (in the movie) have 10 days to try and make this work, they often rush emotions, avoid important conversations and get too deep too quickly. They talk about the future, kids and even meet family within a week of getting to know each other. 

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Sound familiar? This is the literal description of the Bachelor/ette! People frantically trying to secure their spot with the Lead by putting themselves out there and sharing insane (and typically inappropriate) information about themselves in order to appeal to the person handing out the roses. Within mere weeks of meeting each other the Bachelorette must pick four men who's families she would like to meet. Serious conversations are had about what their future would look like together, if they want kids, where they would live and many other topics that, in my personal opinion, seem to be a bit hastily discussed, especially when the lead is still dating several other men at the same time! But really, haven’t you and I ever done this? I’ve talked before about earning the right to hear my story in a previous blog. Sadly, those conclusions I [finally] came to were born out of significant trial and error, most of it due to believing that if I could share enough of my story to this other person then perhaps they would see the real me, understand me and ultimately fall in love with me. While there were many times that the reason I shared so much of my story was because someone asked, their mere asking did not mean they needed to hear intimate details of my life. The fact of the matter is, too much too soon typically tends to overwhelm the other person (or you, if you’re on the receiving end) and before you know it, they’re gone!

Much of the drama around this season of the Bachelorette has been in regards to Kaitlyn’s personal choices and values around sex. We are all well aware by now that Kaitlyn was sexually intimate with one of the contestants, Nick, prior to the Fantasy Suite dates (where of course it is simply expected that the Bachelor/ette will sleep with each of the remaining three). For Ben and Andi on the movie it was on day three or four of knowing each other. In the case of Ben and Andi, sex was appealing thing to engage in to avoid a tough conversation. In the world of the Bachelorette sex is, for the most part, expected when you get to a certain point (Fantasy Suites) regardless of the actual time you have spent with someone (never mind this time being spent on camera where I would imagine it would be difficult to truly get to know each other since there is the underlying notion that any or all of it could be shared with a national audience!)

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My point is definitely not to throw judgement or my own sexual ethics and values out and say there is a certain way things need to be done. However, evidenced by the conversation Kaitlyn and Shawn had and the verbal brawl between Nick and Shawn over this same subject (of course, To Be Continued for next week…ugh…) it may be that delving into that area of a relationship too quickly (again, this can be subjective to each person) creates circumstances that are difficult to recover from. I mean heck, Ben and Andi were in couples therapy two days after they attempted being sexually involved with one another! Personally I have experiences of dating at both ends of the spectrum. Over a decade ago, for me, relationships looked a very specific way with a prescribed set of rules on how the relationship should go, including strict rules regarding physicality in a relationship (anything more than hand holding or a kiss on the cheek was frowned upon--certainly sex before marriage was considered to be a grave sin that one could likely never recover from). Entering the dating world again after leaving that culture behind opened my eyes to a completely different way of dating with completely different rules. For starters, there are no rules. Secondly, I learned that most people considered it incredibly normal and important to have sex by the 2nd or 3rd date. This is a far cry from the culture I grew up in! People say this is to see if there really is sexual compatibility and chemistry (which I agree are very important!) but it is devoid of an emotional connection and significant time spent together. In my experiences (including hearing stories of other people), generally rushing into sex within a few days or a week of getting to know someone tends to be, like Ben and Andi and the Bachelorette, difficult to recover from. 

One of my favorite parts of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, is the scene towards the end where Ben and Andi have a ‘musical snack’ for the crowd at a gala for Ben’s company. Of course by this point the truth has come out regarding both Ben and Andi’s true intention (despite the fact that, in true rom-com form, they are actually starting to fall for each other). Since they are so mad at each other their musical number is changed into singing to each other while sarcastically bashing one another. 

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I mean, if this isn't the theme of this dramatic season, then I don’t know what is! Besides the conversations surrounding Kaitlyn’s sexual activity, a major theme of the show has been guys backstabbing each other, guys complaining to Kaitlyn about other guys, guys telling Kaitlyn very disrespectful things about her and other guys actually encouraging guys to say those atrocious comments to Kaitlyn in the spirit of “letting her know how you truly feel” (I’m looking at you Nick Viall…). Usually this has happened when a guy has sensed that he was on his way out anyways—the floodgates opened as they had nothing to lose and it left Kaitlyn and many others scratching their heads in confusion. Though I have already addressed this  concept in a previous blog, it seems to be affirmed as true the further we get into this season. When Ben and Andi sang to each other it was an attempt to out the other person, share dirty laundry and have the last word in order to come out on top--fearing they would be devastated otherwise. Sadly there have been times where I knew a relationship was sinking quickly I said very mean things (usually packaged in a passive-aggressive manner) in order to save face. Unfortunately I have also been in the seat, many times, of having those mean things said to me by the other person in the relationship who is trying to save his face. Essentially the cliffhanger on this most recent episode was two guys verbally battling it out in order to make themselves look better and hopefully secure a long lasting relationship with Kaitlyn. It's human nature to want to protect ourselves if we feel threatened or in danger (even if it's not physical danger) we see it with Kaitlyn and her guys, Ben and Andi, and I see it in myself. Maybe you do too...?

I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie this all up and send you off with something profound to reflect on (of course, I never actually assume that!) In truth this episode seemed a bit dark and heavy and perhaps this is my attempt at bringing lightheartedness to some very awkward situations that can touch our lives as well. And maybe that’s what we all needed—at least it lets us catch our breath! Nevertheless…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.