Why Being Single Sucks

As mentioned in a previous post, I recently celebrated another birthday, so yes, for those of you who didn't know, I will gladly accept your belated birthday gifts! Birthdays have never been a big thing for me; I'm not one of those people who does a birthday week (or month!) or who makes sure that everyone knows it's her special day. There have even been a few times where I've gone somewhere else for dinner on my birthday than where I would have preferred because it wasn't worth the conflict with others. My birthday is in the summer so when people ask me what a perfect birthday would be like it would include being outside, sunny weather, Pina Coladas and some body of water (such as the ocean...if I get to be picky. I mean, c'mon, it is my birthday after all!) And if we're going to push my celebration into the evening, it should also include Mexican food. Oh, and people I love also there. In my opinion, this should not be a difficult birthday to execute. In fact, I would take that every year if I could! 

The funny thing is, however, birthday's have never been that great for me. I've never quite found anyone who is interested in spending a day with me like that. People have been busy, the weather has been abnormally cold or people just flat out were not interested. Last year, however, was one of the greatest birthday's I had because I got to have my perfect day (which is how I know I would be cool with it the rest of my life.) The guy I was dating at the time and I shared a birthday so we took all of our favorite things and combined them into one day of activities that included a pedicure, Starbucks, pool time, a limo ride, one of our favorite restaurants and a great place for drinks afterwards (among a few other things). Turns out that when both people’s mission is to make it the best day for the other person, you both end up having an amazing time!

Perhaps it is because another year is in the books and it gets harder to resist getting botox for those inevitable wrinkles I am getting, but birthdays often times seem to be this “in your face” way of showing your relationship status. Well, for me at least. As I sat on my couch after just having ordered Domino’s pizza for one, it became painfully obvious that I was the only one sitting there and celebrating me. As I talked about this with family and close friends, the conclusion we came up with is that birthdays as a single person truly can be awkward and difficult. When you are dating or married you have someone who is planning you a party or at the very least asking you what to do. For one day of the year it is usually their mission to make sure that everything is about you. As a single person it can be much more difficult to have to ask a friend if they would like to plan you a party (yes, yes, I know I could just plan the party myself but sometimes I don’t want to do that either!)

I know it can be easy to get caught up in a downward cycle of cynicism or bitterness of all of the things that are more difficult when you are a single person, but I just couldn’t resist sharing with y’all all of the things that I came up with on my birthday this year of why being single kinda sucks (on other days too—not just your birthday)!

Top 25 Things that are Difficult when you are Single

1. Those little tiny buttons on the back of your dress or shirt that are impossible to button yourself
2. When you are holding a waffle cone in one hand and bags in the other and your phone rings and you have no one who can hold your waffle cone (and you can’t set it down!) 
3. When your shower head is screwed on too tight which doesn't make it possible to switch to the shower head that you really want.
4. Having to make up elaborate stories to your Uber cab driver about your husband who is still sleeping while you are on the way to the airport early in the morning so that the driver doesn't go back to your house and rob it. 
5. Trying to put together cute, non-yoga pants outfits when you get invited out.
6. Really coming to terms with having to save for retirement on your own (which is even harder when you are self employed)
7. Thinking about getting a dog and knowing that you have full potty-training-responsibility
8. Wondering if you should give up your bed to couple friend/family from out of town and opt to sleep on an air mattress
9. Having no way of gauging if my PMS symptoms are normal or if they impact others in a negative way.
10. Having to plan birthday parties for yourself
11. Cooking for one, despite the fact that you love cooking, because you don’t want to have to eat lasagna for then next 14 days.
    
12. Having to ask yourself if the dress you are wearing makes you look fat
13. Literally having no one else to blame for the mounds of laundry sitting, unfolded in a basket. 
14. Believing that Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are actually your best friends and therefore convincing yourself that spending the night watching them on Netflix is just as good as spending time with your actual human friends. 
15. Seriously considering changing up the side of the bed you sleep on so that you don't have to wash your sheets as often. 
16. Explaining to the guy with the gold teeth at Jiffy Lube, every time you go in for an oil change, who again tells you he notices you don’t have a wedding ring on that you are still single and that you still aren't interested in him taking you out for a good time. 
17. Drinking at home, by yourself, more than one night in a row. 
18. Being terrified of rodents and, after finding them (ahem, a rat) in your home having to put your big girl panties on to catch it AND dispose of it. (Side note: I've come a long way in my fear of rodents after 2 particular experiences!)
19. Figuring out how in the world you can have so much garbage that you have to put the garbage can out every week. 
20. Not knowing if cleaning the house while wearing short shorts, soccer socks, high heels and blasting Kelly Clarkson is sexy or considered abnormal and something I should be seeing a therapist about. 
21. Figuring how to evenly disperse sunscreen on my back so that I don't have outrageous tan lines. Or just figuring out how to put sunscreen on my back, period. 
22. Having to wonder if showering and personal hygiene is really that important since there is no one that is actually that close to you (physically).
23. Having to work really hard to convince yourself that signing up for the Bachelor really will not be that good for your mental health and sanity. 
24. Buying yourself gifts from Santa and then having to wrap them up, set them up and act surprised in the morning
25. At some point, having to adjust to have someone else in your space...your carefully crafted space and safe place. YOUR space that prior to the relationship you thought you were care free and low maintenance about only to find that you are perhaps one of the most OCD people in the world and actually get crabby about someone else not arranging the pillows on the couch just right. 

I know, I know...these are definitely in jest, but seriously people, the struggle is real! So to that end, who would like to start planning my birthday party for next year?

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.

I'm Tired of Being a Bitch

I have written before in a couple blogs about the concept of being a bitch—mainly because most women know, to an extent, that being a nice girl is going to ensure they are used and discarded by most if not all men. The concept of the bitch is one portrayed on TV, in magazines and many books have been written on the art of becoming her. While there is a large spectrum that a “bitch” can choose her typical behaviors from it seems to inevitably mean that you must somehow change yourself in order to get a man who will actually stick around. 

There are the “Bad Bitches” who are dramatic, loud, obnoxious and all about themselves. They are the ones who have thousands of followers on Instagram and take pictures of their booty to share with their fan base. Then there are those “bitches” who are hyper-independent, who believe men are generally scum and tend to practice a form of hyper-feminism. These women may or may not have some trauma with men (fathers, other family members or significant others) and tend to view men with varying ounces of venom. 

And then there is the “bitch” that I have more commonly referred to in the type of woman who learns the man’s dating game and while the premise is to stand up for herself, value herself and pretend to be somewhat aloof until the man is eating out of her hand, she must do this at the expense of being her kind or compassionate self right off the bat. 

I can say with much confidence that the first definition of “bitch” never has nor never will be me. The second type of “bitch” has been me at specific times of my life as I have been working through the man-trauma but the third kind of “bitch" seems to be what I am most commonly leaning towards. It’s not that I don’t believe in holding my own or valuing myself, in fact I see these as absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. What I think is beginning to feel exhausting is how hard I have to work, how much of myself I have to hold back and how much I have to pretend I don’t care about in order to get the guy. 

As women we are bombarded with books, magazine articles, TV shows, interviews and other social media platforms telling us all the things that we need to do to become the attractive girl that guys want. I don’t know exact statistics but I would guess that there is an enormous amount of both time and money spent by single women trying to figure out the key(s) to scoring a date. On top of that we talk about it when we are out for coffee; we have girls nights where we discuss our latest experiences and learnings over glasses (or rather bottles) of wine. We read the latest issues of Cosmo or the different buzz feed articles trying to glean some sort of knowledge that we did not previously know, hoping that perhaps that is the key to making us attractive. 

And while I am absolutely a fan of self care physically (and emotionally too!), I have been known to spend more than I would care to admit on beauty and diet regimens, clothes, hair styles and products, make up, a new clothing style, laser hair removal, waxing, getting my nails done, the latest books or a myriad of other thing that promises to make me a more appealing person. I’ve practiced being a bitch even. 

And ya know what? I’m still single. 

Meanwhile the men in my/our lives are being praised for the dad-bod and getting off scot free. While us women are trying desperately to figure out the male species and change what we need to do to catch their eye, they don’t have to change a darned thing about themselves. I can say, without exaggeration, that I have overheard less than the fingers on one hand, the number of conversations of guys figuring out how they can change to be kinder, more compassionate or committed. I don’t see men sitting on park benches pouring through the latest Men’s “How to Get a Date” book or article nor do I see men spending an exaggerated amount of time on their physical appearance for the sole and consistent purpose of being attractive to the opposite sex (outside of the typical gym membership). 

What I do hear is men complaining about women being too needy or clingy or jumping into the relationship too fast. I hear men talking about a girl being too easy (neglecting the fact that they too would be considered just as easy…ya know it’s that thing where the girl didn't just sleep with you—the guy slept with her too!) I hear men talking about the things they don’t like about the women that they are surrounded with, but it’s only a select few that seem to understand themselves to be the common denominator in relationships and take the time to look at themselves. 

I am certainly not saying that men are the problem and women are not, or vice versa. We each play our own role in this phenomenon. Looking back at my own experiences I would say there were many times where I acted in ways or said certain things that could have been off-putting; if the same things had been said or done to me it may have raised a couple flags in my mind. But there are a handful of other times where I have focused so much on playing this supposed dating game that men love that I’ve ended up exhausted and not really even liking the guy because of how hard I have to try. I even make sure that after every ending of a relationship I take a careful look at myself to see the qualities that I need to shore up on, the ways I could approach things differently and even evaluate if my values and boundaries need to be shifted around.

To be honest, I have worked too hard in my own journey to feel like I need to become someone I am not, demonstrate characteristics that aren’t a true reflection of me or play some game for a guy to get me. I guess I am now coming to realize that I am accepting that if a guy doesn’t want to accept me as a kind person who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she wants but also isn’t afraid to be authentic about what she wants from a relationship, then I don’t think it would work anyways. I know all too well how exhausting it can be to try and pretend to be someone you aren’t—I did it for nearly three decades of my life—I think I am ok playing the waiting game if it means that I get to be myself. 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Good isn't Good Enough

Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special. 

I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena. 

While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. 

And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys. 

I want to be with someone great. 

As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)

I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did  make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied. 

When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself. 

And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude. 

As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too. 

I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.

So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved.