The {Courageous} Art of Being Vulnerable

Kaitlyn, Becca & Whitney

“Intense” is the only word I can use to describe this last episode of the Bachelor. We are down to three girls which, in the world of the Bachelor, is known infamously as the time when the Fantasy Suite dates occur. For those non-versed in Bachelor language, Fantasy Suites are the dates consisting of the Bachelor and each of his remaining 3 girls getting to have an overnight date--with no cameras--to talk, get to know each other more and do…whatever they want…  And because of the appeal of no cameras with them for the first time on their journey, it’s usually unlikely that anyone declines this date—regardless of any preconceived notions that the TV viewing audiences have! 

Often times the themes surrounding this episode is of opening up, sharing where you are really at with your feelings and how you see the future with that person. It’s often filled with awkward conversations as difficult questions are asked or unexpected answers are given. Some of the contestants are highly articulate while others painfully struggle to complete sentences. I mean really, it’s almost difficult to watch! 

So let me introduce Kaitlyn, one of Prince Farming’s final three girls. She made quite the entrance at the beginning of the season, identifying herself as the girl who wasn’t afraid to say or laugh at dirty jokes, but also showed herself to be very down to earth, well spoken, intuitive and un-dramatic. I admit, it took a minute for her to grow on me, but as the season wore on it became quite apparent that her, perhaps vulgar, edge acted more as a layer of protection for her as she, admittedly, did not want her heart to be broken. There have been moments in the last few weeks where she has recognized this guard she keeps up and her desire to be softer and even credits our Bachelor with being able to tap into that side of her. And while she acknowledges her fear of loss, she desperately wants to let that guard down. 

Prior to the invitation to go to the Fantasy Suite she and Chris (the Bachelor) are discussing this very concept—letting your guard down. Kaitlyn states something so powerful: “I’ve always thought that [being vulnerable] was a negative thing, but it’s not. It’s almost like I am at my best self when I am vulnerable because I can just open up with how I am feeling and talk about it and accept it.” My little therapist self did a little cheer from my couch as her words offer so much insight into the risk of a relationship and the empowerment of vulnerability. 

Brene Brown, in her book, “Daring Greatly”, defines vulnerability as: capable of being wounded and open to attack or damage. At first glance that sounds absolutely terrifying, right? Who would willingly put themselves in a situation in which they can be hurt, wounded, taken advantage of or broken? It seems absurd that anyone would seek to be vulnerable without being able to guarantee their own safety (physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, mentally, etc.) And when we factor into that our own life experiences, our families, our relationships, our traumas and our hardships, the thought of jumping into a situation in which vulnerability is required—where being wounded is a legitimate possibility—is usually the opposite of what we are interested in doing. 

So, we build walls. We create defense mechanisms. We numb things out. We use humor, food, sex, surface level conversations, avoidance, alcohol, TV, shopping, pills, other people, lying, sarcasm, and anger outbursts to our benefit and focus on these things rather than dare letting someone hurt us again. We become an impenetrable force so that no one can hurt us like they once did. Anytime someone tries to get close to us, we can pull from our bag of tricks to keep them from getting too close—close enough to hurt us. 

And for a while, this feels really good. It feels nice to not have to worry about being hurt, used, manipulated, deceived, played or heartbroken. It feels nice to feel like you can breathe and that you are now in control of your situation.

But then something odd happens. After we have securely built our walls, ensuring that no one can touch us, ensuring that we are safe, ensuring that we are the opposite of vulnerable, we realize that we are alone. I mean alone, alone. Isolated. We have worked so hard at not allowing ourselves to get hurt that we have simultaneously kept out any semblance of meaningful relationship. We are not known to anyone else in a deep and intimate way; we are empty. We are alone. 

So, while we are not being hurt by others, we are instead hurting ourselves. In the isolation we have created as a shield of protection we now find bitterness, resentment, self-pity, toxic shame, depression, lust, pride, anxiety and apathy. The more we sit in these things the more isolated we feel which only fuels each of these things even more. I like to call it the yuck cycle. And the thing is, it’s not coming from people hurting us repeatedly, it’s not coming from our relationships; it’s coming from us—from our desires to keep ourselves safe. From our desire to be invulnerable. 

I come from a family that discourages emotional expression. In fact, in my experience, emotional expression has come under harsh critique, judgement and punishment at times. Part of my own process of healing has been understanding what I feel and allowing myself to feel those things and trust the process. A while back my family went through the death of a loved one and the emotional pain was excruciating. Knowing that I would be entering into a situation that was emotionally unsafe, I made a conscious decision to numb out all emotion and bury it until I returned to the safety of my own home. For a week I actively shoved these emotions and experiences down until I thought I might burst. Never had I felt so alone, never had I felt so horrible about myself, never had I not cared as much—in fact because I was so determined to keep this all in, to not feel the pain for fear of being hurt even more, my body literally manifested the pain. In less than 24 hours of arriving in my hometown I gained nearly 10 pounds—it was the only place that my body could find relief in expressing that emotion!  I felt raw and numb all at the same time and had to isolate myself in my own little world in order to remain un-wounded. 

I think many of us have stories like these. I don’t think that any of us are immune from this process; I would venture to say that all of us either have been, will be or are in a place where the thought of being vulnerable is terrifying and the walls of protection seem so much more appealing. It’s our human nature to want to protect ourselves from being hurt and wounded. And yet, as I reflect on my own experiences, both in the recent and distant past, I see that my iron-clad pursuit of keeping myself safe is what ends up hurting me more. 

I think it feels natural to, as Kaitlyn said, view being vulnerable as negative—even as scary. But when we open ourselves to being vulnerable—to risking, even when there is the possibility of getting hurt—we also open ourselves up to relationship, to life, to freedom, to love, to joy and to intimacy. And isn’t this what a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is all about? Being vulnerable does not give us guarantees, it does not give us a life-long pass from hurt and pain but it can give us so much more. When we can stand in front of another free from judgement, scrutiny, conditions, harshness and negativity I think we truly do open ourself up to the possibility of being our best self.

    

To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

I Feel Invisible

It’s taken me a while to wrap my head around the last episode of the Bachelor and find any semblance of redemption in an episode that, to put it mildly, was dramatic. I mean it’s the Bachelor, so I know drama and train wreck moments are the reason that people watch it but this week ramped up the drama and as odd as this sounds, it was somewhat difficult even as a viewer not to get caught up in it! But alas, after a couple days of mulling over the episode, I have found my concept of redemption and it’s again offered through our sweet Cruise Ship Singer, Carly. 

[On a side note: while I know that as the viewer we only see an edited version of all that is happening, it greatly saddened me to see the manipulative nature in which this season’s “villan” acted. For someone who’s profession and education is in counseling, like my own, it hits a raw spot within me to see how she used her knowledge of people to twist situations, manipulate and say incredibly hurtful things to people only to act dumbfounded when she was confronted and used her “superior intelligence” as the reason she is misunderstood. I don’t think that was the case at all…check out the definition of a Histrionic Personality Disorder and you might have a clearer understanding of what was going on! Ok…off my therapist soap box!] 

In this particular episode while on a group date Chris and Britt sneak off to a Big & Rich concert, leaving the other girls on the [group] date waiting for over an hour with no clue as to where these two are. The only thing they see initially is that Britt comes back with a rose and later find out, from Britt, what the evening consisted of. As they panned around the room it was obvious that many of the girls were frustrated and sad; many of them shedding tears and expressing confusion as to how difficult it was to see the man who’s attention and heart they are vying for focus so much on one girl. 

My girl Carly said it best “…I feel invisible.”

I think what I love so much about Carly is that she is not afraid to speak her heart and mind and in doing so she speaks for so many other women.  While the Bachelor is an extreme situation in which the goal is to actively ‘compete’ for love, I would imagine that most of us women have felt the same desperation at least once in their lives. …That feeling of invisibility—that no matter what you do, what you say, what you look like, how funny you are, how intelligent you are or how __________ you are, there is always that other girl who takes the spotlight and leaves you scratching your head wondering what is wrong with you; we ponder, reflect, question and plan out how we might change ourselves in order to be the girl that gets a guy’s attention. 

I might be preaching to the choir when I say that Middle School and High School were not great years for me in the physical beauty department. I’ve spent countless hours with friends talking about how painfully awkward those years were, looking and pictures and crying from laughing so hard at these younger versions of ourselves who truly believed that we had something going on! I did not peak in high school. I didn’t peak in college. (Actually, sometimes I think I am still waiting on that peak!) But I remember the girls that did and I remember the anxiety and terror of being in the same room with them and a boy I liked. I could not compare to their flirtatious nature, their perfect hair, their thin bodies or designer clothes—and it was affirmed by the boys asking them out, dancing with them and sneaking under the bleachers to make out with those girls. But not me. I was invisible. 

I remember in Middle School getting the role of Dorothy in the school play (this is one of my claims to fame as the girl I beat out for the role went on to do background vocals for Beyonce…I don’t even care if it sounds like I am bragging—I totally am!) I remember thinking that now that I had this prominent role in the play I would perhaps be noticed. I was noticed alright—to this day I am still known as Dorothy in my hometown. Turns out though, that a gingham printed dress and ruby red slippers made of sequins don’t offer much of an appeal to the boys, and no matter how good I was in the play, I still felt invisible. 

I remember my freshman year of high school—sweating profusely every day because I was so uncomfortable in my skin, wondering if this this how the rest of my life would be (I’m thankful to say, the sweating is now contained to hot days or working out!) I remember thinking that if I could just be like some of the other girls or do something just a little bit better or be just a little bit thinner or prettier then perhaps I would be picked, noticed, chosen…seen. Nothing seemed to change though, no matter how much I changed myself. 

Age definitely brings wisdom and I can look back with compassion towards that younger version of myself for all the heartache, anxiety and desperation she went through to try to be noticed. I wish she wouldn’t have felt like she needed to try so hard; I wish she knew that those relationships were only temporary. I wish she knew that there was so much more to life than those years of adolescence and young adulthood. What’s so interesting is that while I know these things now and can laugh with fondness of years gone by, I know there are still many times that I feel invisible. 

Whether it’s announcements of engagements, marriages or children or even a girlfriend finding a great guy to be with there is still sometimes a part of me that feels invisible in those moments and wonders what it is about me that keeps me from being picked. It’s so easy to scan the terrain around us and watch what everyone else is doing, wearing, participating in and even eating (or not eating!) and feel that perhaps if we adopted that lifestyle, choice or habit then perhaps we would not feel so passed over.  

Isn’t it interesting that we want someone to love us for who we are but then we spend our time, energy and resources trying to change who we are in order to meet someone else’s standards? 

That last statement is like a punch in the gut. In one breath I want to “Amen!” that but in the next breath I know that there is kind of a sting to it because I can recall  many times where I have actively sought to change parts of me in an effort to meet another person’s standards. And while I don’t think I did that because I desire to be superficial or didn’t know who I was, it seems unfortunately very easy to throw out the concept of being accepted as you are rather than facing the feeling of invisibility. 

We are created for relationships—I truly believe this is in the fiber of our DNA. And part of the beauty of relationships (romantic, familial, friendship, etc.) is feeling seen, understood and valued by the person you are in a relationship with. True relationship—one that is built on authenticity, trust, commitment, honesty, enjoyment and communication—can only happen when we are seen. And truly being seen requires acceptance of ourselves first that regardless of the pressures to change for someone else’s pleasure or our own instant gratification, we will not let ourselves become invisible to us. 

Your Story is Not You

This week’s episode of the Bachelor has me perplexed. Since the episode ended last night, I have tossed around various ideas of what to write about today…there were certainly a few redeeming moments of the show—when Whitney discussed the importance of being kind to someone even when we didn’t like their actions; when Becca offered empathy and compassion to the Bachelor in the midst of a hard situation. Or when Carly spent time conversing with Chris and asking questions—doing an excellent job of sharing just enough of her heart, experiences and genuine fears in an effort to be known, yet not giving everything away (instead of spending her one-on-one time making out with him.) These were important moments of the night and definitely should not be overlooked. But unfortunately these moments did not stand much of a chance in being some of the pivotal themes of the night due to a few of the other girls’ handling of themselves and their emotions.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, we are introduced to Kelsey at the beginning of the season in a video vignette as she shares with us that she is a widow; her husband passed away abruptly, a mere 18 months ago, due to heart failure. America’s heart went out to this young woman as they embraced her story and her chance to find love again. Kelsey has stayed somewhat in the shadows the entire season, likely due to editing, but has started to make a bit of a name for herself in the past couple episodes which led up to her grand entrance on the episode last night. 

With the other widow being booted off the show in the previous episode, Kelsey now had the most tragic story in the house and she knew it. She began sharing it with the other girls in the house during this episode—catching the girls off guard as to the timing of sharing her story. We hear her say “I can’t go home without him knowing my story”, so without the other girls’ knowledge, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’ room to tell him of the death of her late husband. Awkward is probably a mild word to describe the exchange. As Kelsey shares her story, in depth, the editing cuts back and forth between her conversation and her individual interviews as she talks about how fabulously tragic and amazing her story is. She proclaims that there is undeniable sexual tension between she and Chris and we cut to Kelsey finishing her story and awkwardly planting a passionate kiss on Chris. And, since Chris’ coping skill in all situations awkward (or not awkward) is kissing, he obliges—though his body language indicates he would rather not be there with her. 

Cut to the end of the episode and Chris lets the other women know that Kelsey has shared her story with him—this after she condescendingly shares with the girls how confident she is that she will get a rose tonight. After realizing what is happening the girls begin their chatter and we end the episode with Kelsey on the floor having a ‘panic attack’ as we hear Ashley I.—the self-proclaimed virgin who has spent at least half of her on-air time trying to convince people that it’s not a big deal and and the other half creating drama due to her insecurities over this very same choice—break out in frustration and tears stating, “great, now someone else’s story is more tragic than my own.” 

Drama at it’s finest!

"I'm a virgin, it's not a big deal"--Ashley I.

As I contemplated what to write today, over and over I kept coming back to the overarching theme of the episode being that there were girls who were promoting and defining themselves as women and the totality of who they were based on one choice or one experience. They were viewing their existence among the other women as a game in which they were seeking to come out on top. If I have the most tragic story, I win. If there is another virgin in the house, I lose. And in getting caught up in these mere experiences or choices being what defined them as a woman, so many of these women (who I am sure are truly wonderful) began their demise—when their experience was invalidated so was their identity. 

Now, I am the first one to say that coming through a tragic situation or making a choice that is unpopular in the eyes of others takes an amount of courage. And I would never want to suggest that someone’s experience or decisions weren’t absolutely pivotal in their lives and had a lasting impact on them; we all know that there are certain moments in life that change who we are. But to suggest that one experience or one decision is what makes us who we are entirely, shortchanges our identity and leads to a fragile view of ourselves. Our experiences and choices challenge us, affirm us, devastate us and bring amazing joy into our lives. Sure, sometimes our experiences and choices even seem to beat the hell out of us—bringing us to a place of feeling wrecked for a while. But our choices and situations are just that—choices and situations. They aren’t us. They don’t define the totality of who we are or the essence of our character. Our choices and experiences are a small part of who we are; they are not all of who we are. 

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, made a statement that owning of our story is one of the bravest things that we can do—and I agree wholeheartedly. The ownership of our story however, is the sharing of different parts of us—the different experiences, relationships and emotions that have helped us grow, learn and go through the refining process. Loving ourselves through that process makes space for celebrating that our stories are not bigger than us, more attractive than us, more tragic than us or even what defines us.  They are, simply, stories.

My hope for us all is that we would desire for others to be attracted not to our stories but rather the person we became--the person we are--as a result of all of these different cards that life has dealt us. When someone is attracted to us for our character, rather than the character we played in a story, they are worth keeping around!