My Name is Lainey and I’m a Relationship Sabotager

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs about different masks that we wear, that I wear, when it comes to relationships. One of the masks that I focused on was “The Sabotager”. As I re-read what I wrote about that mask before I started writing this blog, I was almost in disbelief that I had written these words less than a year ago. It’s not that I didn’t believe them when I wrote them, it just feels like now, months and many experiences later, I understand these words at a level that is far deeper than I could have imagined back then.

So, to put it bluntly, I recently figured out that I sabotage relationships. And in figuring out that I do this, I almost lost out on another relationship that had a lot of great qualities. After dating a really great guy for only a couple weeks I noticed my anxiety level creeping upwards and recognized that no matter how much I tried to be nonchalant, I continued to let my mind get the best of me. On one particular night we had a minor miscommunication and while I do maintain that the consideration of communication that I was asking for was still appropriate, after a two hour conversation regarding this conflict that should never happen at that point in a relationship, something within me clicked. As the days had been passing by, I was actually preparing for him to break my heart. Though he never gave any indication that he was, in fact he continually affirmed how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked who I was, I was choosing instead to listen to past experiences and my negative internal loop instead of actually looking at reality.

Making it through that conversation and still being committed to getting to know each other left me both with a sense of relief and peace, but also some major reflection that I needed to do in regards to what my anxiety was all about, why my reaction was so inflated and really what the hell had just happened. As I sat in my chair with my coffee, a book and my journal in hand the next morning I slowly but surely came to the profound realization that as much as I desire a deep and intimate relationship, life has handed me enough experiences that often times make me less than hopeful of that happening. And as much as I hate the ending of any relationship and the depth of loneliness that it seems to leave me, I have truly become an expert at dealing with it. And if I am being honest, there is a sense of seduction in being the perpetual victim—passed over again and again by various men. 

The fact of the matter is, being in a relationship is risky. It involves vulnerability and courage and always leaves a possibility that you could get hurt. And if you have been in relationships that have ended less than amicably, it would seem that your natural reaction would be to create some sort of defense mechanism that is designed to protect you from the pain of relationships ending. 

Perhaps its pride or maybe just my own blind spot, but it was hard for me to recognize these sabotaging patterns for quite a long time.  I never had any extreme behaviors, public meltdowns, rants or overly dramatic instances that would have been, obviously, sabotaging. For me I think it was more that I went in to a relationship expecting it to end and expecting to get hurt, so I made sure that it happened in too many cases. While I never made things up or took extreme measures to sabotage a relationship, I do know that my expectations that I projected onto my potential-future-boyfriends surely did not make staying with me easy. And while there have been a few of those guys along the way where the ending of the relationship truly was all on them and NOT due to my sabotaging behaviors, I can look back now and see that there were many other relationship endings that had at least in some part to do with my own efforts to make my self-fulfilling prophecies come true. 

In my last blog I talk about the process of figuring out the way to date that most greatly reflects my desires and values. I have come to realize that in finding this balance involves looking at the pace at which a relationship develops and in focusing on this I have realized this is the area that I am prone to sabotage a relationship. Prior to the last few months I had gotten used to relationships starting (and ending) quickly. Within days we were spending every day together, communicating all day and even having conversations discussing our futures together. But 6-8 weeks in, things fizzled out and I was left again by myself on a Friday night. 

With this as a pattern beginning to become ingrained in my mind, you can imagine that a few weeks into a relationship triggers my body and mind into an automatic panic response. I’ve been through it so many times it seems that my body naturally begins to believe the end is near and sometimes even forces the end of the relationship through various means. 

So, you can imagine my surprise and uncertainty when, a few weeks into our relationship we had only gone on a handful of dates, texted sporadically and talked on the phone when our schedules allowed. Though I was told this was normal dating, it was so far from my traditional experiences that it became difficult to know how to handle it in a mature way. So I began doing the only thing I knew how to do: sabotage the relationship. I took something small and allowed it to be made into a much bigger deal than I needed to make it and prepared myself for him to end it with me that night. But he didn’t. And I admit, I had no clue how to handle it. Yet, something was very right. Call it super natural patience, grace or whatever, he calmly identified the ways that he made it clear, several times each day, that he was interested in me and wanting to pursue a relationship with me. And after explaining it, he stuck around. And he was there the next day. And the day after that. 

For me that was, what a therapist would call, an emotionally corrective experience. Throughout my entire life I have been told that I am too much to handle and that I need to find someone who will ‘put up with me’. I suppose many times I have created situations in which I have become too much to handle and basically fulfilled that prophecy in my life. For many years I prayed for a man that COULD handle the intensity of me, one that wouldn’t walk away the first sign of trouble. It took me a while to believe for myself that I wasn’t too much to handle and that the people who told me that repeatedly were wrong, but to have someone stand in front of you and reflect back the opposite of that cognitive distortion, stick around and remind me over and over what he likes about me, provides a healing experience that acts as a loudspeaker over those negative messages. 

In the days following that instance I have caught myself daily, naturally turning towards sabotaging actions when my anxiety arises. I do wish they would go away and that my gut reaction would be one of peace and presence, but I do think that the next best thing is being able to observe myself and choose how to act in a different way. So now, though the pattern is new, I am proud to say that I have started developing a new pattern: not sabotaging a relationship. And in that I have come, face to face, on a brand new level with both the risk and reward that is involved in a relationship. Not sabotaging means I don’t get to control the situation in an effort to protect myself.  Not sabotaging means that I get to be present in the relationship. Not sabotaging allows love to enter in. 

[Author’s Note: This blog was written a little over a month  prior to being posted so lest you get your hopes up that perhaps I am dating someone, no worries, this one also disappeared a couple weeks later! However, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, they were much needed. Additionally, it’s great to know that there truly was nothing that I could have done differently, his disappearance was on his own accordance; stay tuned for the next blog for my theories on this phenomenon!]

The Right Way to Date

The last relationship I was in that had a serious tone to it, in some ways was a ‘book end’ for me. …The end of a long list of men that I dated who’s purpose in my life seemed to be preparing me for the future. I look back now and can see that each of those relationships helped me grow stronger, face myself and continue healing. I watched as moments that would cause me great anxiety in relationships after my abusive relationship, slowly subsided and I was able to nurture my own fears. The frantic ‘not knowing’ that is present in so many relationships that would cause severe panic and desperation started to become patience and a loosening of control that allowed me to enjoy each moment. But I came to realize that even though I was learning some great lessons, it was exhausting! So, after the last serious-type relationship, I decided I needed a break from dating.  

It hasn’t been until recently that I have found the energy and motivation to get back out there.  And what I am coming to realize is that I have a fairly jacked up view of what dating is supposed to look like…or even how to date. 

Now, before I go on record saying that there is one right way to go about dating, I want to clarify and say that there isn’t. And in some ways, that’s part of the problem.  I grew up believing that there was one specific and Godly way to date. But it wasn’t really dating either. It was this weird conglomeration of beliefs and values taught by the Church that culminated in an overarching persuasion that prior to even going out on the first date with someone, you had to have an almost certain knowledge of if you were going to marry that person or not. (Yes, you heard me correctly…BEFORE the first date). To this end, my job as a woman was to wait patiently for a man to see me and pursue me. In many ways I did not have a choice over who I would have an opportunity to date. Pursuit of a man in any way, even conversation, was considered overstepping my role as a woman and likely manipulative. (I was told by many men that my friendly personality towards everyone was overly flirtatious, lacking submission, disrespectful and manipulative.) In this way of dating, if a man should see me as someone he would want to pursue with the intent of marriage it would be wise for me to accept, especially as I got older. Even if I was not especially attracted to him or envisioned myself with a different type of man, I was told to question myself for selfish motives and shallow or superficial expectations. 

Dating in this realm was very calculated and prescribed. There was a neat list of rules to abide by and a pattern to follow that, if subscribed to, would supposedly lead to a beautiful, pure, Godly marriage—one with few problems and much bliss and ease as this was the way God had designed it. 

Needless to say, I think my personality did not lend well to this mentality no matter how hard I tried to fit into it. And because I was ok having men as friends and thoroughly enjoyed those relationships, I was considered dangerous to some. (Mind you these friendships with men were not “friends with benefits”…I didn’t even kiss a guy, let alone anything else, until my very late 20’s. So we’re talking platonic friendships!)

Coming out of that ‘era’, while needed, was also a source of much confusion. I felt like a stereotypical pastors kid…the kid who rebels once she goes off to college because she is finally no longer under the watchful eye of her parents, the church and the community. While my intent was not necessarily to rebel, the only thing I could think of in my mind was to do the exact opposite of anything that resembled the old version of dating. In many ways doing the opposite came from a place of total innocence. And in that, I naturally swung to the other side of the spectrum. 

While swinging to the other side of the spectrum never took on a sense of extremity, it was definitely a different way of living than the previous years. Dating was no longer about pursuing marriage but rather just having fun, sometimes drinking too much and on occasion, waking up next to someone I knew very little of. Definitely not some of my proudest moments and yet, still incredibly important to experience. All the things that I was supposed to already know before going on a date with someone (e.g. "is this someone I could marry?") flew out the window. Needing a relationship to follow a detailed and specific pattern (and timeline) no longer was the norm. Having to tell someone 'older and wiser' every action and thought that I had/did, all the while being judged, no longer resembled the flavor of my life. In a sense, I was experiencing freedom.

But even freedom can be scary. Freedom in excess, with no boundaries, with no values, with no sure ground to stand on can actually feel like another form of 'slavery'. While I did not have anyone telling me what I could and could not do, I was basically setting myself up to have shallow relationships, get my heart broken and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. Everything about that lifestyle is in the moment, instant gratification, delayed consequences, act now and think later--all things to me that seem to be appealing for the short term but exhausting, confusing and devastating in the long run.

At some point I began to figure out that neither side was great to camp out at and while there seems to be a few beneficial things to 'take' from each side of the spectrum, generally it leaves a person floundering a bit trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship. If a relationship isn't about a formula, repression and rules but it also isn't about instant gratification, excess and moving from person to person, then what is it?

It took me a while to understand the appeal of camping out at one side of the spectrum (or the other) and why it felt so foreign to find some sort of a working balance. Either side of the spectrum essentially requires no thought. One the one side you have someone dictating your every move, every thought and every relationship. There is a very clear cut way regarding what you can and cannot do and as long as you stick to it and don't question it, you're good. At the very least, you don't have to think because someone else has prescribed it for you. 

On the other side of the spectrum you also don't think because it's all about acting without thought. While there are no rules to dictate your next move, the absence of rules means that thinking is scary, so you do whatever comes naturally, instantly and with the most pleasure and gratification. Everything goes, nothing is off limits; every thought, desires and action is valid and worthy of gratification. Again, it's a side that involves no thought. 

My quest for understanding what dating should look like (not in terms of right way/wrong way but rather the best fit for me) seems to land in this area of balance...somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. It's a place that involves a lot of thought and honest reflection and awareness--not something that most people are interested in. It means actually pausing and understanding what it is that you want, desire, need, value, prefer, get anxious by, what triggers you, your baggage...and making sure that the way you do relationships is coming from the highest value of who you are versus how various groups of people dictate it to you. Being on either side of the spectrum offers an amount of safety. If someone else is dictating what life and relationships need to look like instead of you having to think for yourself, you never truly need to pause and wonder if this is best. The land of balance includes intentionality and thought as well as honesty and humility. 

That balance is what I am still working on. I've spent many hours thinking, processing and journaling about what I want a relationship should look like that mirrors neither side of the spectrum exclusively. And while things are starting to come together on paper, transferring that now onto the dating field poses a totally different adventure. It's kinda like the concept of only being able to read about how to fix a car for so long before you actually have to go out and try it. Same with dating, boundaries, values, relationships and balance. It's great to take a break and figure things out, figure out what I want, but at some point I have to actually get back out there and do it. That's the point that I am at now. 

So, here I am, the other side of a few months long break from dating and it's time to put my money where my mouth is. It's not easy though! If the date isn't required to end in marriage or a one night stand, is it ok to only know that I like him enough to go on a second date? If it's not about having to follow a specific job description of a Biblical Woman, is it ok to initiate communication? And if so, how much? And how much communication should I expect from him? How many dates do I need to go on with someone before I feel ok to kiss them, or talk about deeper things or invite them over to my house (or go to theirs)? If I am not required to keep my parents and all those who are older and wiser than me in the loop, who do I actually tell that I am dating someone and at what point? These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.

I have to admit even though not having the answers immediately can be frustrating, having the space to ask questions is quite freeing. Asking questions and being able to think through the answers means that I am not subjected to any one person or one idea of how a relationship is supposed to go. In some ways it's very fluid and can be tailored to fit a specific relationship while at the same time stable enough to rest on a strong foundation of my personal values and beliefs. And while this land of balance certainly does not offer immediate answers, I can't help but wonder if part of the gift of asking questions and searching is the opportunity to have a relationship that is a reflection of me.