Premature Word Vomit

In so many ways I feel like, even three episodes in, the Bachelorette is proving to be even more drama filled than the Bachelor--ya know the show when 20 women are vying after the same man's heart? I never thought it was possible, but I think we are all in for a surprise! I guess I have underestimated the drama that can ensue when the male ego is at stake! It's a no-holds-barred game of gossip, back stabbing, playing the victim card and resembling a teenage girl when love (or 15 minutes of fame) is on the line for the men of the Bachelorette!

I know, full well, that the show is scripted and that it's not a realistic interpretation or situation in which relationships are born and nurtured...all you need to do is look at the success rate of the show to figure that out. But I also know that even on a show where contracts are signed and you must agree to however the producers what to edit your 'character', you still have a choice of what to say or how much to say. No one is forcing words and stories out of your mouth. 

As I sat and watched the Bachelorette last night and heard these guys pour out their hearts, their traumas, their losses and their passions, despite the lack of an open bar and a camera crew in my face I almost felt like we were peering in on my dating life (ok, ok...there were other differences too...I don't have a hair or make up team, I don't have 20 guys waiting for me in the next room when I am done taking to someone else nor do I have unlimited access to exotic and amazing dates...to name a few things). What I mean though is watching those guys open up so fast about so much felt like every date that I have been on in the past few months. 

I call it my Jedi Mind Trick...some people wish they had super powers of being able to fly or teleport...or to, like Mel Gibson on "What Women Want", get inside a woman's head to know what she is thinking. I have this super power of looking at a guy, listening to a guy or even being in the same room as a guy and I somehow end up in a conversation that ends with me knowing about their crazy ex wife, their kids, their fears or some bit of personal information that, if the tables were turned, I would likely not disclose until we were in an established relationship. Like the men on the Bachelorette, these guys are vomiting their deepest insecurities and parts of themselves to me, a perfect stranger, as they gaze back at me with hopeful eyes looking for approval, acceptance or some sort of indication that I am into them. Sometimes I wonder if there is some sign above me that says "please, tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets (even if I just met you in the check frozen fruit aisle at Kroger)". (And yes, that actually has happened.)

I have often wondered if this is a new fangled tactic to get into my pants...perhaps the old pick up lines and sweet nothings being whispered into my ears are no longer cutting it. Perhaps guys have finally hear women's desires for an emotional connection before a physical connection and this is their attempt. Perhaps they think that by spilling their story I, or the Bachelorette, will get swept up in what they are saying and desire to move the relationship to the next, physical, level. (Never mind the fact that when a girl emotionally dumps on a guy when she first meets him it's his cue to run away...and rightfully so!) Regardless, I don't think the guys I have been dating have some producer whispering in their ear what to tell me to encourage some hasty emotional connection. 

I wish I could say that I have come to some definite conclusion on why this is. It gives me comfort at

least to know that it's not just the guys that I date that do it--the guys on the Bachelorette do it too. And of course as soon as I say that I am immediately called back to a myriad of memories in which I have done that as well. No cameras around, no producer coaxing me with questions, but rather a girl who is hopeful and shares way too much with a guy she has just met. A girl who just wants to be known. A girl who hopes that the guy who sits in front of her is maybe different than the rest. Maybe someone she can trust, someone who will take her into consideration, someone who will connect to her story, see her for who she truly is and fall in love with her heart. 

There is this part of me that believes that not all guys exclusively and only have the intent of having sex with a girl. Call it naive or having the wool pulled over my eyes but I have to believe there are some guys out there who prematurely word vomit because they too want to be known and loved by another. Sometimes it seems like men and women aren't so incredibly different after all...

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved

The Right to My Story

In the recent past I have become aware of how much I value authenticity. Perhaps it goes hand in hand with my love of connecting to others, but I have always valued a platform of being open and honest about one’s self and not needing to hide. Hiding, to me, feels dishonest and yucky and keeping something from someone sometimes feels like I am living a lie. I’m sure this bent towards authenticity comes from a deep craving for it within my family. Growing up I always knew there were secrets; looks and glances were exchanged, voices hushed, certain topics of conversation ceased when certain people walked into the room. I was a pretty intuitive kid so I noticed this. It wasn’t until years later, until my 30’s actually, that many of the family secrets were finally brought into the open and most of what I guessed to be true was actually found to be true. There were large parts of my life that began to make sense and the sharing of secrets opened up into a light space that made interactions not quite so uncomfortable. 

I can understand why this drive towards authenticity exists in me. Always wanting to know the truth about what was going on but never really knowing it probably led to a huger for truth and a motivation to just be up front with who I was. Interestingly enough, authenticity, while always a value, has been a learned practice for me—safe authenticity has not always been present in my life. I grew up in a culture where authenticity was required in the form of accountability for punishment, judgment and shaming purposes. Openness and questions (about life, love, faith, the world, etc.) were typically met with a harsh attitude in which people would use the information they gathered against you when the time was right. I developed a struggle within me swinging back and forth between wanting desperately to be authentic and known by others and fearing the repercussions of someone using my story and my deepest thoughts against me. 

In doing my own work I have come to recognize not only my own value of authenticity and why it has been so difficult for it in the past but I have started to learn how to live out that value in my day to day life. In my professional life I live in a world that consists of complete authenticity—free from judgement and harsh criticism; it’s the beauty of therapy. Personally I have chosen for the people who I most closely surround myself with to also be people who I can be open and honest with—who refrain from judgement and shaming and who offer their own authenticity back to me. 

In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I sometimes naively believe that no one will judge me for my story—the life I have created for myself honors the value of authenticity and absence of judgementalism and I sub-consciously expect for others to offer me the same. The sad truth is that, though ideal, this is not reality. 

This is not a concept I have understood with ease. In my mind I did one of those “opposite sides of the spectrum” thing—because I had spent so many years inhibited from authenticity it seemed only natural to swing to the opposite side of the spectrum and have a ‘no-holds-barred’ mentality and let anyone know anything about me. But as we know, neither side of the spectrum is really great to camp out on. 

        I have seen this to be very evident in dating. Men who I went on a handful of dates with would know, sometimes, intimate details of my past and relationships simply because they asked the question “why are you still single?” In my mind I felt an obligation to let them know the truth—I grew up in an uber religious home and once I got out of that I was in an abusive relationship from which I have done a lot of therapeutic work on and am finally at a place to have something to give to another. While entirely true, this was being said to someone who had not yet earned a position in my life to know this. They barely knew my last name—they certainly didn’t need to know the wounds of mine that had just healed or were still healing! 

Part of my desire for authenticity is also because I don’t enjoy playing games. While I don’t need to know all the minute details of someone within the first couple dates, I appreciate someone being able to share with me appropriate amounts of their life at appropriate times in the relationship. But it seems that in today’s day and age this process, like so many others, is a bit warped in what information is requested/expected of another in comparison to the level of the relationship. In my naivety I have believed that if someone is going to ask a personal question they have a level of investment that will allow for me to offer a more detailed or personal answer. 

As an example: I have been asked, multiple times, on the first date if I have ever been pregnant. Not do I have kids or do I want to have kids. They don’t even ask if I am currently pregnant. They have asked if I have ever been pregnant. How do you, safely, answer a question like that? What if I say “no” and the relationship continues on and then I have to come back and tell them I lied to them? But if I say “yes” then it seems that they would want to know why I don’t have any children (which leads to a further discussion…did I have an abortion, miscarry, give the kids up for adoption or not have custody of the children?) This is quite the situation to put someone in that you have known for less than a couple hours—and even more of a dilemma when you hold a value of authenticity!

Another example might be the choice that I have made not to drink for a while; when I go on a date where we meet for drinks and I order a club soda or Diet Coke, I inevitably get the question, “why aren’t you drinking?” Part of me feels the need to urgently assure them that I’m not an alcoholic who is working on sobriety or pregnant. But then I know if I take those two things off the table I am at risk of having to explain that I am having some health related issues that I have been working on and am choosing not to drink in order to heal my body. That’s a whole other can of worms. Telling the guy that “I am just choosing not to drink for a while” never seems to sit well at just that, yet they know very little about me that would make me feel comfortable sharing my entire health history. 

In chatting about this concept with friends, I know that I am not the only one in this situation. I have heard stories and had my own experiences of men asking questions about sex, past relationships, mental health issues, trauma, family issues and so much more within the first couple dates. Often times when we get these highly inappropriate questions we are faced with this pressure to give an answer AND an explanation. So if I say “yes” or “no” to a question, I must also explain why that is, how I got to that decision and the important life events that have shaped me and I have grown from in order to make my yes my yes or my no my no. And while the person on the listening end of the conversation might appear to be interested in your response he has not yet earned the right in your life to hear that much about you. 

This is a real thing, people! 

So…what’s a girl to do?

The only answer that I can come up with is: appropriate authenticity—and this requires a bit of boldness. This first means that I take time to reflect on what I feel comfortable sharing about my life with just about anyone—whether I meet you on a date, in a community group or on a city bus. I recognize that on the first few dates these are the things that I can feel safe talking about with my potential suitor and allow myself permission to become aware if it feels like things are going into uncomfortable territory. Secondly, it means that I can give an answer to a question without an explanation; and if an explanation is requested I can share that the story behind that answer isn’t something you share with just anyone. Or, if it’s a really absurd question (like “have you ever been pregnant?”) I might just need to ignore the question altogether and change the subject. 

Yeah, sure…they might have bought you dinner or even poured their own heart and soul out to you. But that was their choice. You have a choice in the matter as well. Your story is all they have—make sure that the people you share it with have proven worthy of such an honor. 

The Right Way to Date

The last relationship I was in that had a serious tone to it, in some ways was a ‘book end’ for me. …The end of a long list of men that I dated who’s purpose in my life seemed to be preparing me for the future. I look back now and can see that each of those relationships helped me grow stronger, face myself and continue healing. I watched as moments that would cause me great anxiety in relationships after my abusive relationship, slowly subsided and I was able to nurture my own fears. The frantic ‘not knowing’ that is present in so many relationships that would cause severe panic and desperation started to become patience and a loosening of control that allowed me to enjoy each moment. But I came to realize that even though I was learning some great lessons, it was exhausting! So, after the last serious-type relationship, I decided I needed a break from dating.  

It hasn’t been until recently that I have found the energy and motivation to get back out there.  And what I am coming to realize is that I have a fairly jacked up view of what dating is supposed to look like…or even how to date. 

Now, before I go on record saying that there is one right way to go about dating, I want to clarify and say that there isn’t. And in some ways, that’s part of the problem.  I grew up believing that there was one specific and Godly way to date. But it wasn’t really dating either. It was this weird conglomeration of beliefs and values taught by the Church that culminated in an overarching persuasion that prior to even going out on the first date with someone, you had to have an almost certain knowledge of if you were going to marry that person or not. (Yes, you heard me correctly…BEFORE the first date). To this end, my job as a woman was to wait patiently for a man to see me and pursue me. In many ways I did not have a choice over who I would have an opportunity to date. Pursuit of a man in any way, even conversation, was considered overstepping my role as a woman and likely manipulative. (I was told by many men that my friendly personality towards everyone was overly flirtatious, lacking submission, disrespectful and manipulative.) In this way of dating, if a man should see me as someone he would want to pursue with the intent of marriage it would be wise for me to accept, especially as I got older. Even if I was not especially attracted to him or envisioned myself with a different type of man, I was told to question myself for selfish motives and shallow or superficial expectations. 

Dating in this realm was very calculated and prescribed. There was a neat list of rules to abide by and a pattern to follow that, if subscribed to, would supposedly lead to a beautiful, pure, Godly marriage—one with few problems and much bliss and ease as this was the way God had designed it. 

Needless to say, I think my personality did not lend well to this mentality no matter how hard I tried to fit into it. And because I was ok having men as friends and thoroughly enjoyed those relationships, I was considered dangerous to some. (Mind you these friendships with men were not “friends with benefits”…I didn’t even kiss a guy, let alone anything else, until my very late 20’s. So we’re talking platonic friendships!)

Coming out of that ‘era’, while needed, was also a source of much confusion. I felt like a stereotypical pastors kid…the kid who rebels once she goes off to college because she is finally no longer under the watchful eye of her parents, the church and the community. While my intent was not necessarily to rebel, the only thing I could think of in my mind was to do the exact opposite of anything that resembled the old version of dating. In many ways doing the opposite came from a place of total innocence. And in that, I naturally swung to the other side of the spectrum. 

While swinging to the other side of the spectrum never took on a sense of extremity, it was definitely a different way of living than the previous years. Dating was no longer about pursuing marriage but rather just having fun, sometimes drinking too much and on occasion, waking up next to someone I knew very little of. Definitely not some of my proudest moments and yet, still incredibly important to experience. All the things that I was supposed to already know before going on a date with someone (e.g. "is this someone I could marry?") flew out the window. Needing a relationship to follow a detailed and specific pattern (and timeline) no longer was the norm. Having to tell someone 'older and wiser' every action and thought that I had/did, all the while being judged, no longer resembled the flavor of my life. In a sense, I was experiencing freedom.

But even freedom can be scary. Freedom in excess, with no boundaries, with no values, with no sure ground to stand on can actually feel like another form of 'slavery'. While I did not have anyone telling me what I could and could not do, I was basically setting myself up to have shallow relationships, get my heart broken and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. Everything about that lifestyle is in the moment, instant gratification, delayed consequences, act now and think later--all things to me that seem to be appealing for the short term but exhausting, confusing and devastating in the long run.

At some point I began to figure out that neither side was great to camp out at and while there seems to be a few beneficial things to 'take' from each side of the spectrum, generally it leaves a person floundering a bit trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship. If a relationship isn't about a formula, repression and rules but it also isn't about instant gratification, excess and moving from person to person, then what is it?

It took me a while to understand the appeal of camping out at one side of the spectrum (or the other) and why it felt so foreign to find some sort of a working balance. Either side of the spectrum essentially requires no thought. One the one side you have someone dictating your every move, every thought and every relationship. There is a very clear cut way regarding what you can and cannot do and as long as you stick to it and don't question it, you're good. At the very least, you don't have to think because someone else has prescribed it for you. 

On the other side of the spectrum you also don't think because it's all about acting without thought. While there are no rules to dictate your next move, the absence of rules means that thinking is scary, so you do whatever comes naturally, instantly and with the most pleasure and gratification. Everything goes, nothing is off limits; every thought, desires and action is valid and worthy of gratification. Again, it's a side that involves no thought. 

My quest for understanding what dating should look like (not in terms of right way/wrong way but rather the best fit for me) seems to land in this area of balance...somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. It's a place that involves a lot of thought and honest reflection and awareness--not something that most people are interested in. It means actually pausing and understanding what it is that you want, desire, need, value, prefer, get anxious by, what triggers you, your baggage...and making sure that the way you do relationships is coming from the highest value of who you are versus how various groups of people dictate it to you. Being on either side of the spectrum offers an amount of safety. If someone else is dictating what life and relationships need to look like instead of you having to think for yourself, you never truly need to pause and wonder if this is best. The land of balance includes intentionality and thought as well as honesty and humility. 

That balance is what I am still working on. I've spent many hours thinking, processing and journaling about what I want a relationship should look like that mirrors neither side of the spectrum exclusively. And while things are starting to come together on paper, transferring that now onto the dating field poses a totally different adventure. It's kinda like the concept of only being able to read about how to fix a car for so long before you actually have to go out and try it. Same with dating, boundaries, values, relationships and balance. It's great to take a break and figure things out, figure out what I want, but at some point I have to actually get back out there and do it. That's the point that I am at now. 

So, here I am, the other side of a few months long break from dating and it's time to put my money where my mouth is. It's not easy though! If the date isn't required to end in marriage or a one night stand, is it ok to only know that I like him enough to go on a second date? If it's not about having to follow a specific job description of a Biblical Woman, is it ok to initiate communication? And if so, how much? And how much communication should I expect from him? How many dates do I need to go on with someone before I feel ok to kiss them, or talk about deeper things or invite them over to my house (or go to theirs)? If I am not required to keep my parents and all those who are older and wiser than me in the loop, who do I actually tell that I am dating someone and at what point? These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head.

I have to admit even though not having the answers immediately can be frustrating, having the space to ask questions is quite freeing. Asking questions and being able to think through the answers means that I am not subjected to any one person or one idea of how a relationship is supposed to go. In some ways it's very fluid and can be tailored to fit a specific relationship while at the same time stable enough to rest on a strong foundation of my personal values and beliefs. And while this land of balance certainly does not offer immediate answers, I can't help but wonder if part of the gift of asking questions and searching is the opportunity to have a relationship that is a reflection of me. 

#therapistorgasm

Several months ago I sat in a coffee shop with one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends discussing dates, men in general and our own philosophy of dating. It had become apparent to both of us that there was this blessing and curse with being someone who was pursuing self-awareness and it showed up the most in the relationships we had with potential suitors. Like I said in my blog about self-awarenes, when someone who is not pursuing whole living bumps into someone who is, after the initial "high" wears off, they are faced with a choice of dealing with their own lives or running away. Too often they choose to run away. And while it can be easy for people to silver-line the situation... "at least you got out while you could!", it doesn't always take away from the hurt and confusion that is left. 

So, as we sat in that coffee shop, a new conclusion was come to. Essentially, a new standard for men who wanted to date us was that they needed to at some point have gone to therapy or done some other sort of self-work. Nice thought, right? The premise was that we wanted to be with men who had a recognition of who they were, appreciated life experience and what they could learn from it and actively tapped into deeper, emotional parts of themselves rather than remaining on the surface and bolting whenever life got hard. 

Perhaps it was my cynical mask coming out, but even though I agreed with what we were talking about, I highly doubted that it was actually going to happen. To meet someone who pursued knowledge of self with a passion or motivation similar to my own seemed very far fetched. So, I continued my dating buffet with little hope. 

Fast forward a few weeks later to accepting a date with someone I had met online. We had exchanged a handful of fun e-mails and he seemed to be someone that would at least be enjoyable. So, when he asked me out, I accepted without hesitancy but figured that this would be another "one-date-wonder" (can you sense my cynicism?!?) We met at a local establishment for drinks and began engaging in the normal first-date pleasantries; though I was a bit standoff-ish (which is pretty typical for me just judging off of past experience), he was nice enough and at the very least, he asked great questions. The conversation was really great and before long we were discussing topics not usually characteristic of a first, or even fourth, date. I didn't mind though. It was good conversation and I think that's all I might have been looking for that night. 

A couple hours into our date he shared with me a pivotal experience in his life and as he talked he started using words like sadness, guilt, shame, self-awareness, process... You can guess that my ears really perked up at that point. Though still skeptical, I was now very intrigued. The conversation evolved from there with many mentions of words/concepts that are a breath of fresh air to a therapist. I left that date having a stern conversation with that cynical part (mask) of mine, letting it know that it could take a vacation and feeling genuinely excited for the first time in a while.  At the very least seemed to be hope!

As I went to bed that night, reflecting on the date, I couldn't help but giggle at the term that I came up with to describe the date:

#therapistorgasm 

If an orgasm is the pinnacle of bliss in a sexual experience, then hearing a man discuss emotions and his story with honesty and clarity is most certainly a therapist orgasm!

Though we dated for several weeks thereafter, a long term relationship with this man was not in the cards for me for other reasons. That aside, I truly believe this relationship served as a reminder that the things my friend and I had discussed in the coffee shop that day were not only important but there were actually men that possessed these qualities. It was a reminder and affirmation that what I was looking for wasn't so unreasonable. 

For me, so many times I find myself being discouraged or doubting myself for the things that I desire in a man and relationship. I have done a lot of work around my standards and "expectations" in a relationship and feel like I have come to a really great resting point in regards to what I am looking for. But I have many moments in a given day or week or month where I wonder if what I am desiring is truly out there or if I have created an unrealistic ideal that no man can match up to. I'm not asking for a man who cries daily, rather a man who understand the value of emotion and can tap into his own when appropriate. I'm not desiring a man who constantly dwells on his past, rather a man who understands that his past is a part of him and can take from that what he needs in order to be more present. I'm not wishing for a man who initiates intensity and enormous depth in every single conversation that we have but rather a man who is not afraid of engaging in deep conversation when appropriate and can even initiate them from time to time. I'm not looking for a man who tries to get to know everything about me on the first date but someone who's interest is piqued in me and looks forward to (and pursues) getting to know me more each time we are together. 

If I were my own therapist; if I were my own my client, I would probably say that this is sounds like an appropriate list of things to be looking for in a man and that it's ok to not only want these but look for these things. Sometimes I need to pretend I am my own therapist...daily! 

In fleshing out these things that I am looking for and reflecting back on the brief relationship with this man, I can honestly say that my cynical mask feels a little bit less heavy and a little bit more differentiated from my true self.  And while any ending of a relationship is not usually the easiest thing ever, I do think that there is much to be said for looking at different relationships that we have engaged in (romantic and non-romantic alike) and allow ourselves to take from those relationships what we want in order to point us more towards what we need. 

I guess my new standard for men is that they need to give me a #therapistorgasm 

Until next time...

Chivalry is Dead

It’s no secret that I meet the fine specimen that I go out with, from a dating website. I’ve gone back and forth regarding if I actually like doing this (or want to admit it that I’m doing it!), but since going to a bar or a club is of no interest to me and I don’t have many friends who know single men, online dating has been where I have landed. And, at the very least, I have ended up with some absolutely crazy stories...sprinkled with many moments of shock and a few heartbreaks. I have learned a lot too—about myself, about relationships, about men, about expectations and about chivalry. Or lack thereof. 

I wish I would have kept count of the number of profiles I have read that say something to the effect of “…most think chivalry doesn’t exist anymore, but I disagree; I know how to treat a woman.” At first I smiled at this statement, thinking that perhaps this was a caring and sensitive man who truly was different than the rest. But after going out with 35+ men from various dating websites, I have come to recognize that their version of chivalry in treating a woman does not go much beyond putting your best foot forward on a first date. And sometimes not even that far. 

So why do I say chivalry is dead? Well, let’s start by looking at the definitions of chivalry:

chivalry |ˈSHivəlrē|

noun

the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.

• historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively: I fought against the cream of French chivalry.

• the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.

• courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women: their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint.

1 acts of chivalry: gallantry, gentlemanliness, courtesy, courteousness, politeness, graciousness, mannerliness, good manners. ANTONYMS rudeness.

(Take note that in the definition of chivalry itself, it states behavior of a man towards a woman!) 

I have used both the free and pay-for dating websites as avenues of obtaining dates. Prior to knowing the truth about the free sites (that they are actually primarily sites designed for hooking up), the appeal was that it was free. All 13 boys I accepted a date from off of one particular site, with the exception of one man (who I actually went out with several times before he…disappeared…), asked me for sex on the first date without even knowing my last name!  There have been a handful of others, from other sites, who have made it past the first date (usually just because they didn’t ask me for sex!) who then ask for, or rather expect, sex on the second date. 

In refusing their offers for sex, or going to their houses, or even for not kissing them or declining another date, I have been called a prude, religious, a person with baggage and abnormal. In moments where I have stated that I am not comfortable with certain conversation topics or actions, I have been told that I have too much baggage and that I am projecting my past relationships onto him. In asking a guy to be straightforward with me, I have been called desperate, told that I wanted too much and of course been bold-faced lied to. Because I have refused to send pictures of myself via text message I have been called old-fashioned, rigid and uninteresting (usually followed with no further communication from that guy). 

Now, I am not one to judge what your personal standards are regarding what we feel comfortable with talking about, texting about or if/when sex should happen in dating (maybe we’ll talk about that in another blog), but I am sorry…opening up the door to the dining establishment and paying for my dinner (that you probably asked me to go to with you via text message), does not make you chivalrous, standing head and shoulder above the “rest of the men out there”.  Nor should it give you the assumption that because you have done these grand acts I should repay you by sleeping with you! If that’s chivalry, then I want out (or at the very least I think we should petition to get the dictionary definition changed)! 

That version of chivalry seems to be, according to the definition above, the antonym of chivalry: rudeness. 

I can imagine you are probably sitting here, reading this blog with one of two expressions on your face. You are either horrified that this exists OR you are nodding your head (even reluctantly) because you know this to be the truth of the dating world now. 

One thing that this blog is NOT is a man-hating blog. That’s not my goal at all, but rather to offer an honest perspective on what it’s like to be in the dating world today as an older (and totally awesome), not-in-her-20’s-woman. So, while we can’t ignore the honest reality of the dwindling definition of chivalry, the other thing we can’t ignore is why we allow it (squirm!) See, it would seem that it’s a vicious cycle: men treat women like this because women allow it (even sub-consciously). Women allow it because they have come to expect it and don’t understand that they can and should be treated differently. And I think it’s fair to say that women allow it because it’s rare to be treated differently (respect, courteous, with high regard, care, etc.) So we lead ourselves to believe that our expectations are too high, our standards are too picky and we need to let loose just a bit.  

The landscape of dating has changed drastically in the past 15-20 years; both positively and negatively. Growing up in a highly religious home afforded me a very sheltered, limited and terrifying view of dating and relationships (anyone ever read that book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye?…don’t. Worst. Dating Book. Ever.) So between coming out of that and then our culture changing (again, both in highly positive ways and then some not-so-positive ways), you can imagine the element of trauma that silently weaves through so many of my dating experiences! And in navigating through this maze of relationships, while I have been dumped on a few more time than I would have liked, I regret to say, I have made my fair share of mistakes. And that’s where we as women need to take a bit of ownership—in our part—because chivalry didn’t become this way as a result of just one of the genders!

There is this balance it seems like we are trying to maintain between desperation and being a prude. It harkens back to last week’s blog in a way, in that for varying reasons, fighting for ourselves has become a foreign concept. It’s easy to believe that we have slim pickins’…great guys don’t seem to be for sale at WalMart (but man, if they were!) When the scenery looks dismal however, it doesn’t mean that it’s completely my/our problem; that we have to lower our standards or expectations of what is an appropriate, respectful, courteous and honoring way to be treated. Unfortunately, I know I’ve made a habit of doing just that at times! And when I lower my standards and accept behavior that is less than chivalrous, it makes it easier for us to accept it from the next guy and for the next guy to treat another lady in the same way. Vicious cycle. 

It would be nice if we could stop and reverse this cycle. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don’t see that happening on a corporate level anytime soon!  BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t in my own life. It doesn’t mean YOU can’t in your life. It is OK to have certain expectations for dating. It’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to ask a guy to call you and ask you out versus him doing it via text message. Sex shouldn’t be an expectation, it’s an act of love and intimacy (those two things aren’t usually associated with a first date, so it’s ok to turn the offer down.) It’s ok if you don’t want to be in a private setting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sexting, it’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable sending photographs of yourself (clothed or unclothed). It’s also ok to not talk about certain topics, subjects or parts of your life until that person has earned the right to hear them. Despite what today’s dating scene suggests, not doing these things hardly make you a prude!

When I first opened my business, I remember having a conversation with a friend regarding if prices on services should be reduced when the customer flow wasn’t as ample. It was easy in those slow moments to believe it was something about me (perhaps my prices were too high, I over estimated my quality, etc.), rather than the normal ebb and flow of business. She encouraged me to not sell myself short; to keep my prices as they were (because that was what I was worth), and trust that the customers would come through the door when they were supposed to. From a business perspective, while this has been a step of faith many times, she was/is exactly right. I keep my prices and services at the level they are because I am worth it. If someone complains, I don’t take it personally. I simply recognize that us doing business together is not going to be a fit. I do this because my business is part of my livelihood and if someone doesn’t respect that, no disrespect to them, but I don’t need to be associated with that person.

Are we seeing the connections here?