Caitlyn is Free

I think I am currently going through a Bachelorette Hangover…never, in all of the seasons that I have watched, have the GUYS been so dramatic. It’s downright crazy. As I watched the episode I picked out three potential themes of what I would write on today—Kaitlyn having a backbone and standing up for herself…the narcissistic expectations of certain men (…ya know the ones who use the phrase “villains gotta vill”…yes, I am looking at you, Clint and JJ), or even Ben Z.’s heart tugging story of his mother’s death and his incessant need to be strong for everyone—even going 11 years without shedding a tear. Lots of great fodder for a blog that can tie reality TV to real life!

Photo Credit: trendingcurrentevents.com

But I am not going to write about any of that today. Instead I want to write about another reality TV star who has not only been receiving a lot of public attention lately but who’s story has made a heartfelt impact on me in a way that I never expected. I’m talking about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as the World’s Greatest Athlete and American Hero, Bruce Jenner. I know that this has lead to many controversies on social media, news forums, coffee shop talks and dinner discussions so I want to be clear when I say that controversy is not what I am interested in and to that extent I would hope that you can see past personal preferences and beliefs, whatever they might be and see the heart of what I am getting at here. 

When the Diane Sawyer 20/20 interview aired last month there were several points that brought tears to my eyes and made my heart burst with joy. Throughout the interview Bruce (as he asked to be referred to throughout the interview) shared stories of confusion, pain, heartache and fear; he shared with the world the different coping mechanisms he used, the ways he would try to fix himself and how he would, in many ways, just kinda numb out. He spoke, with heartfelt sincerity, how most of his life he felt trapped and living a lie; unable to be who he wanted to be, who he knew he was—his true, authentic self. 

To be clear, I have never faced the struggle of feeling like I was born with the wrong body (well, that’s a lie…often times I wish I could have the type of body that thinks about losing weight and then the weight just falls off…a girl can dream). I have no idea what it’s like to feel trapped inside my own body, knowing that I was destined to be a different gender. But I do know what it’s like to feel trapped. I know what it’s like to feel as though you have to hide parts of yourself to gain the favor of others, to abide by pre-set expectations, to not ruffle feathers and to not make others feel uncomfortable. I know those feelings well. I know what it’s like to have questions that go unasked because of the high risk that goes along with it. I know what it’s like to fake passion when in reality I am going through the motions. I know what it’s like to feel that someone else’s expectations of you stifle the person you know you can be, the person you want to be—the person that you should be. I know what it's like to feel like I am living a lie—to say I believe, think, act and feel one way when in reality I believe, think, act and feel completely different. 

Photo Credit: genius.com 

Many years of my life were spent battling internally, trying to convince myself that the way I was being taught to live was actually the “right way”, when in reality I knew it was not. Too many relationships were governed by the fear that if I did not do something their way that I would be rejected, betrayed and discarded. The morals, beliefs, values and theology that dictated my life made me feel like I was wearing a dress that I had grown out of years ago. I spent decades of my life feeling trapped in someone else’s world—a world that never fit for me. 

I would say there is some common human experience that binds us together when it comes to feeling trapped—I don’t think it’s an over generalization to say that we have all felt trapped at one time or another. Perhaps it’s feeling trapped by family expectations or the desire to be the exact opposite of your family (therefore never being able to just be you). Perhaps it’s a marriage or a relationship or a friendship that day after day sucks the life out of you but you feel trapped and helpless to do anything else. Maybe it’s a church tradition or a theology that you must conform to at the risk of being excommunicated. You might feel trapped in a job or career that drains you every day but you feel you have no options to change. Perhaps you feel trapped by secrets of the past, experiences that you have been a part of or choices you have made. And maybe that entrapment feeling comes from feeling like who you are doesn’t match the anatomical set up that you were born with. Though there are varying degrees of impact, those feelings of helplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, being trapped and wishing that things could be different weaves us together and gives us an empathetic common ground. 

Yesterday the first picture of Caitlyn Jenner was released to the world—she is on the cover of the next issue of Vanity Fair and she is stunning. Reading the various articles that Vanity Fair published about this photo shoot was fascinating but one struck me as particularly poignant with it’s headline: “Caitlyn is free”. I am not ashamed to admit that my breath was taken away and I shed a couple of tears as I saw her picture and read that headline. Freedom. Something so many of us take for granted and yet something that we often don’t give ourselves permission to feel. Sometimes we don’t even realized how trapped we were until we actually experience freedom. Freedom to be you. Freedom to be your authentic self. Freedom to live out of the truest form of you regardless of the chatter behind your back. The process of gaining freedom does not always come easy; many times the path towards freedom breeds pain as we shed layers and ideals of ourselves, commit to being honest always and sometimes disappoint people, even losing relationships. But, I can say from personal experience and the privilege of bearing witness to many other people's journeys that freedom is always worth the price. The reward of being yourself truly, fully and authentically is beautiful. 

Photo Credit: vanityfair.com

My heart explodes with joy for Caitlyn Jenner. To have the opportunity and the courage to live your life being authentically you is brave, admirable and should be celebrated. May we all use Caitlyn’s example and pursuit of freedom in our own lives, in our own unique ways and pursue freedom with strength, vigor and courage. Freedom. What a gift. 












© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

The Right to My Story

In the recent past I have become aware of how much I value authenticity. Perhaps it goes hand in hand with my love of connecting to others, but I have always valued a platform of being open and honest about one’s self and not needing to hide. Hiding, to me, feels dishonest and yucky and keeping something from someone sometimes feels like I am living a lie. I’m sure this bent towards authenticity comes from a deep craving for it within my family. Growing up I always knew there were secrets; looks and glances were exchanged, voices hushed, certain topics of conversation ceased when certain people walked into the room. I was a pretty intuitive kid so I noticed this. It wasn’t until years later, until my 30’s actually, that many of the family secrets were finally brought into the open and most of what I guessed to be true was actually found to be true. There were large parts of my life that began to make sense and the sharing of secrets opened up into a light space that made interactions not quite so uncomfortable. 

I can understand why this drive towards authenticity exists in me. Always wanting to know the truth about what was going on but never really knowing it probably led to a huger for truth and a motivation to just be up front with who I was. Interestingly enough, authenticity, while always a value, has been a learned practice for me—safe authenticity has not always been present in my life. I grew up in a culture where authenticity was required in the form of accountability for punishment, judgment and shaming purposes. Openness and questions (about life, love, faith, the world, etc.) were typically met with a harsh attitude in which people would use the information they gathered against you when the time was right. I developed a struggle within me swinging back and forth between wanting desperately to be authentic and known by others and fearing the repercussions of someone using my story and my deepest thoughts against me. 

In doing my own work I have come to recognize not only my own value of authenticity and why it has been so difficult for it in the past but I have started to learn how to live out that value in my day to day life. In my professional life I live in a world that consists of complete authenticity—free from judgement and harsh criticism; it’s the beauty of therapy. Personally I have chosen for the people who I most closely surround myself with to also be people who I can be open and honest with—who refrain from judgement and shaming and who offer their own authenticity back to me. 

In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I sometimes naively believe that no one will judge me for my story—the life I have created for myself honors the value of authenticity and absence of judgementalism and I sub-consciously expect for others to offer me the same. The sad truth is that, though ideal, this is not reality. 

This is not a concept I have understood with ease. In my mind I did one of those “opposite sides of the spectrum” thing—because I had spent so many years inhibited from authenticity it seemed only natural to swing to the opposite side of the spectrum and have a ‘no-holds-barred’ mentality and let anyone know anything about me. But as we know, neither side of the spectrum is really great to camp out on. 

        I have seen this to be very evident in dating. Men who I went on a handful of dates with would know, sometimes, intimate details of my past and relationships simply because they asked the question “why are you still single?” In my mind I felt an obligation to let them know the truth—I grew up in an uber religious home and once I got out of that I was in an abusive relationship from which I have done a lot of therapeutic work on and am finally at a place to have something to give to another. While entirely true, this was being said to someone who had not yet earned a position in my life to know this. They barely knew my last name—they certainly didn’t need to know the wounds of mine that had just healed or were still healing! 

Part of my desire for authenticity is also because I don’t enjoy playing games. While I don’t need to know all the minute details of someone within the first couple dates, I appreciate someone being able to share with me appropriate amounts of their life at appropriate times in the relationship. But it seems that in today’s day and age this process, like so many others, is a bit warped in what information is requested/expected of another in comparison to the level of the relationship. In my naivety I have believed that if someone is going to ask a personal question they have a level of investment that will allow for me to offer a more detailed or personal answer. 

As an example: I have been asked, multiple times, on the first date if I have ever been pregnant. Not do I have kids or do I want to have kids. They don’t even ask if I am currently pregnant. They have asked if I have ever been pregnant. How do you, safely, answer a question like that? What if I say “no” and the relationship continues on and then I have to come back and tell them I lied to them? But if I say “yes” then it seems that they would want to know why I don’t have any children (which leads to a further discussion…did I have an abortion, miscarry, give the kids up for adoption or not have custody of the children?) This is quite the situation to put someone in that you have known for less than a couple hours—and even more of a dilemma when you hold a value of authenticity!

Another example might be the choice that I have made not to drink for a while; when I go on a date where we meet for drinks and I order a club soda or Diet Coke, I inevitably get the question, “why aren’t you drinking?” Part of me feels the need to urgently assure them that I’m not an alcoholic who is working on sobriety or pregnant. But then I know if I take those two things off the table I am at risk of having to explain that I am having some health related issues that I have been working on and am choosing not to drink in order to heal my body. That’s a whole other can of worms. Telling the guy that “I am just choosing not to drink for a while” never seems to sit well at just that, yet they know very little about me that would make me feel comfortable sharing my entire health history. 

In chatting about this concept with friends, I know that I am not the only one in this situation. I have heard stories and had my own experiences of men asking questions about sex, past relationships, mental health issues, trauma, family issues and so much more within the first couple dates. Often times when we get these highly inappropriate questions we are faced with this pressure to give an answer AND an explanation. So if I say “yes” or “no” to a question, I must also explain why that is, how I got to that decision and the important life events that have shaped me and I have grown from in order to make my yes my yes or my no my no. And while the person on the listening end of the conversation might appear to be interested in your response he has not yet earned the right in your life to hear that much about you. 

This is a real thing, people! 

So…what’s a girl to do?

The only answer that I can come up with is: appropriate authenticity—and this requires a bit of boldness. This first means that I take time to reflect on what I feel comfortable sharing about my life with just about anyone—whether I meet you on a date, in a community group or on a city bus. I recognize that on the first few dates these are the things that I can feel safe talking about with my potential suitor and allow myself permission to become aware if it feels like things are going into uncomfortable territory. Secondly, it means that I can give an answer to a question without an explanation; and if an explanation is requested I can share that the story behind that answer isn’t something you share with just anyone. Or, if it’s a really absurd question (like “have you ever been pregnant?”) I might just need to ignore the question altogether and change the subject. 

Yeah, sure…they might have bought you dinner or even poured their own heart and soul out to you. But that was their choice. You have a choice in the matter as well. Your story is all they have—make sure that the people you share it with have proven worthy of such an honor. 

To Know Yourself

Call it coincidence, perfect timing or divine intervention, but the Bachelor Two-Night special came at a perfect time when the South is getting blasted with snow and ice and we all have to stay inside! And I swear, each episode keeps getting a little bit more dramatic and intense! Perhaps it’s how the show is edited or perhaps this cast of girls is just a different breed of intense…regardless, it makes for great television!

So, we turn today to one of the most recent ‘castaways’, Britt. She was a frontrunner for Prince Farming’s heart from the very first night—nabbing the first impression rose and the first kiss; she is sweet, charming, kind, bubbly and seemingly confident in who she is. And to top it off, Britt is gorgeous—in fact many times other girls felt intimidated or invisible by the personality and beauty that Britt exuded. However, as the show continued and relationships continued to develop between Chris and the other girls, Britt’s gloves start to come off. It started with minor jabs or moments of disrespect and her over-the-top excitement and emotion in every episode. If you watch closely however, the viewer (and the girls in the house) start to notice a pattern with Britt—the simplest way to say it is that she is two-faced. 

To clarify, however, Britt is not that person who is kind to someone’s face and mean behind their back; she is, in fact, portrayed to be quite kind to everyone (and I would guess this is absolutely an extension of who she truly is). Britt’s two-faced-ness comes in her wishy-washiness of what she wants. She’ll make comments about herself (e.g. starting to cry at the announcement of her date with Chris being something to do with heights and proclaiming her death-like fear of heights) and then say or do the complete opposite (showing intense excitement the entire date with Chris—spent in a hot air balloon—never mentioning her terror of heights). Her claims and [apparent] discrepancies became more evident throughout the season which is what eventually led to her being sent home before the hometown dates. There are many different theories people have as to what was happening--but if we dare to take a deeper look at what is going on with Britt, all we need to do is pay attention to one very insightful comment she makes about herself:  

“I like to re-invent myself and I have been so many different things throughout my life; some of them have been negative and this [moving to Iowa] just seems really wholesome positive and seems like a good thing to try.”

I would like to think that her statement is raw honesty rather than manipulative. And therein lies the problem—the continual re-invention of self. While the Bachelor is an extreme situation, one thing that it does is hone in on those who are grounded and have a sure footing of who they are and what they want in life and it also shows those who are floundering a bit—I mean with cameras on you 24/7, it’s impossible for your true self to stay completely hidden! 

It’s important to note that floundering isn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact sometimes it’s the most important thing we can do in order to figure out who we truly are. While sometimes floundering feels scary or unstable (especially for us women who crave stability!) it’s often during these times where we can come face to face with ourselves, our beliefs, our values and our relationships to decide what’s really important. Think back to your years as a teenager and all those different masks that we tried on—one day we were the thespian, the next day a cheerleader; one day we were dressed in goth and the following week we had on an oxford shirt, plaid skirt and penny loafers. It was all part of the process—the process of figuring out who you truly are. 

The problem with continual re-invention of self is that there never is a sense of grounded-ness or true identity. While it’s important to always grow and be open to change, looking to always re-invent the totality of who you are suggests that we’re not ok with who we are; that we feel better about ourselves being someone else’s version of ourselves. Continual re-invention might mean that if my boyfriend prefers a specific type of woman, that’s the type of woman I become. And if my next boyfriend prefers someone different, I shift myself to become what he wants. 

Remember that scene from Runaway Bride when Maggie (played by Julia Roberts) stands with plates full of eggs prepared all different ways and one by one tries them to determine which kind of egg she liked best? This was such an important scene in the movie because when her character was dating someone she reinvented herself to become the type of person that she thought he would want. When she was with a deadhead who liked fried eggs, she was a deadhead who also liked fried eggs. Figuring out that she loved eggs Benedict and hated all the others was a powerful moment for her as she was finally able to claim things for herself rather than re-inventing herself into someone else every few years.  

Figuring out who we are is the same concept as figuring out what kind of eggs we like! Again, this is normal—we all have to go through these periods of time where we ask ourselves tough questions in order to identify the things that hold the highest value.

This can be a long and arduous process. Often times it means dealing with old hurts and wounds that stem from years of habit, tradition, family stuff, emotion, pain and abuse. It means inviting into your life a huge amount of awareness so as to understand the things that you do, say and think rather than living out of the sub-conscious. Sometimes it even means coming face to face with some really ugly things in our life that we would otherwise like to forget. It’s not that we are to strive towards pain, rather let the pain show us where we need to go so that we can become whole versions of ourselves. 

Ok, pardon the language...but you get my point!

Trying new things is wonderful; changing up your style, job or location is only natural. Doing these things in order to distract from delving into a deeper sense of self is something that needs to be looked at. Doing the work is hard but if you’re willing to go there, moving to Arlington, Iowa from Los Angeles where you were an actor and model, then comes from the highest value of who you are and the grounded-ness of knowing all that you value rather than simply looking for the next wholesome and positive thing to try.

Your Story is Not You

This week’s episode of the Bachelor has me perplexed. Since the episode ended last night, I have tossed around various ideas of what to write about today…there were certainly a few redeeming moments of the show—when Whitney discussed the importance of being kind to someone even when we didn’t like their actions; when Becca offered empathy and compassion to the Bachelor in the midst of a hard situation. Or when Carly spent time conversing with Chris and asking questions—doing an excellent job of sharing just enough of her heart, experiences and genuine fears in an effort to be known, yet not giving everything away (instead of spending her one-on-one time making out with him.) These were important moments of the night and definitely should not be overlooked. But unfortunately these moments did not stand much of a chance in being some of the pivotal themes of the night due to a few of the other girls’ handling of themselves and their emotions.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, we are introduced to Kelsey at the beginning of the season in a video vignette as she shares with us that she is a widow; her husband passed away abruptly, a mere 18 months ago, due to heart failure. America’s heart went out to this young woman as they embraced her story and her chance to find love again. Kelsey has stayed somewhat in the shadows the entire season, likely due to editing, but has started to make a bit of a name for herself in the past couple episodes which led up to her grand entrance on the episode last night. 

With the other widow being booted off the show in the previous episode, Kelsey now had the most tragic story in the house and she knew it. She began sharing it with the other girls in the house during this episode—catching the girls off guard as to the timing of sharing her story. We hear her say “I can’t go home without him knowing my story”, so without the other girls’ knowledge, Kelsey sneaks to Chris’ room to tell him of the death of her late husband. Awkward is probably a mild word to describe the exchange. As Kelsey shares her story, in depth, the editing cuts back and forth between her conversation and her individual interviews as she talks about how fabulously tragic and amazing her story is. She proclaims that there is undeniable sexual tension between she and Chris and we cut to Kelsey finishing her story and awkwardly planting a passionate kiss on Chris. And, since Chris’ coping skill in all situations awkward (or not awkward) is kissing, he obliges—though his body language indicates he would rather not be there with her. 

Cut to the end of the episode and Chris lets the other women know that Kelsey has shared her story with him—this after she condescendingly shares with the girls how confident she is that she will get a rose tonight. After realizing what is happening the girls begin their chatter and we end the episode with Kelsey on the floor having a ‘panic attack’ as we hear Ashley I.—the self-proclaimed virgin who has spent at least half of her on-air time trying to convince people that it’s not a big deal and and the other half creating drama due to her insecurities over this very same choice—break out in frustration and tears stating, “great, now someone else’s story is more tragic than my own.” 

Drama at it’s finest!

"I'm a virgin, it's not a big deal"--Ashley I.

As I contemplated what to write today, over and over I kept coming back to the overarching theme of the episode being that there were girls who were promoting and defining themselves as women and the totality of who they were based on one choice or one experience. They were viewing their existence among the other women as a game in which they were seeking to come out on top. If I have the most tragic story, I win. If there is another virgin in the house, I lose. And in getting caught up in these mere experiences or choices being what defined them as a woman, so many of these women (who I am sure are truly wonderful) began their demise—when their experience was invalidated so was their identity. 

Now, I am the first one to say that coming through a tragic situation or making a choice that is unpopular in the eyes of others takes an amount of courage. And I would never want to suggest that someone’s experience or decisions weren’t absolutely pivotal in their lives and had a lasting impact on them; we all know that there are certain moments in life that change who we are. But to suggest that one experience or one decision is what makes us who we are entirely, shortchanges our identity and leads to a fragile view of ourselves. Our experiences and choices challenge us, affirm us, devastate us and bring amazing joy into our lives. Sure, sometimes our experiences and choices even seem to beat the hell out of us—bringing us to a place of feeling wrecked for a while. But our choices and situations are just that—choices and situations. They aren’t us. They don’t define the totality of who we are or the essence of our character. Our choices and experiences are a small part of who we are; they are not all of who we are. 

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, made a statement that owning of our story is one of the bravest things that we can do—and I agree wholeheartedly. The ownership of our story however, is the sharing of different parts of us—the different experiences, relationships and emotions that have helped us grow, learn and go through the refining process. Loving ourselves through that process makes space for celebrating that our stories are not bigger than us, more attractive than us, more tragic than us or even what defines us.  They are, simply, stories.

My hope for us all is that we would desire for others to be attracted not to our stories but rather the person we became--the person we are--as a result of all of these different cards that life has dealt us. When someone is attracted to us for our character, rather than the character we played in a story, they are worth keeping around!