Stop It.

Ok, so I was trying really hard to refrain from writing more Bachelor blogs in an effort to not get caught up in the drama. So far I’ve done a pretty good job but after the finale episode of Bachelor in Paradise last night, I simply couldn’t resist! (And for those of you who don’t know what Bachelor in Paradise is, it’s a summer show about love and dating with previous Bachelor/ette cast members).  And to affirm that I needed to write a blog about this, even my friend texted me to tell me she thought I should write about it!

During the 5-6 weeks that the cast was away in Mexico there were relationships that developed at the beginning and lasted the duration of the show that seemed to be headed in the direction of making it in the real world as a couple. In fact, one of the couples even got engaged at the end and are planning to get married in the near future! The other couple, affectionally dubbed Kirkly (Kirk and Carly), did not have as happy of an ending though. Breaking up with anyone is never an easy task. I would imagine that breaking up with someone in front of cameras and knowing in the back of your mind that it will be broadcasted on national television is even worse. 

If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, you have likely read a couple blogs inspired by Carly Waddell. I think what inspires me about her is that I feel like she and I have such similar lives—she just lives hers on a more public forum. Carly has a way of sharing her thoughts and experiences in a way that seem very raw and honest to her and very empathetic and connecting to others. So when Kirk broke up with her, or rather blindsided her, I’ll bet if you listened closely you likely would have heard thousands of other women across America gasping as they too have felt the gut-punch of the switch being flipped, their world turning upside down and being left in the dust by someone they thought was in it for the long haul. 

As we headed into the “After Paradise” special last night, despite the huge amount of awkwardness that was present when Kirk and Carly were on stage together, I think most of us were curious to hear more about what happened! I can give Kirk some points for sincerely apologizing; I don’t think his intent was to hurt Carly, but the manner in which he went about the relationship and then the break up was, in my opinion, quite terrible. After Kirk tried apologizing to Carly we learned that less than 24 hours before he broke up with Carly (with the reasons being he felt like it was moving too fast and he had been questioning the relationship with her for a while), he and Carly had conversations about their future outside of Paradise and Kirk had expressed excitement and confirmation that he was ok with the pace of the relationship, couldn’t wait to meet her family, had a house in the suburbs with rooms (for kids someday) and even talked to Carly about moving to be with him. AND these were not one-time conversations… 

I applaud Carly for the way she handled herself because I would have had a few more choice words to say about the situation if it were me! When Carly was asked if she had anything else to say, her words were perfect: “…for all the women that this has happened to, just like, guys, stop doing this. Like stop! Don’t do this to someone else! Please stop doing this because this is wrong. This is just wrong!” (This is the point where I knew I absolutely had to write a blog about this!) Carly wasn’t saying this out of malice or vindication, she was saying it from experience—experience of being told by men she was dating that they were in, wanting the relationship, looking at the future, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath her and left to shake her head wondering what had just happened!

Do you know that this experience—the experience that Carly was talking about—has happened to me more times than the number of fingers on my hands? I kid you not. I could tell story after story of guys who have consistently and passionately told me how wonderful I was, how I was unlike anyone they had met, how they could see their future with me, how they wanted to have kids with me, how they were looking to include me in financial decisions and not-too-distant future plans only to, less than a week later (and sometimes mere hours later) flip the switch and tell me it was going too fast, that they got caught up in the moment or made up some lame excuse that I would be better with someone else! I literally have had PTSD like reactions around the 5-6 week point of any relationship because of how many times this has happened!

For Kirk’s sake I would love to cut him some slack and say “oh, it’s just a Northern guy thing”…I mean it is, for sure. Living in the North I had many of those experiences in relationships myself (can I just tell you how  many guys have told me they could see themselves marrying me and then never have? I should have been married at least 17 times by now!) And while those Northern boys certainly are different in their approaches to relationships, I haven’t found much better luck here in the South. Essentially, it’s a guy thing. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why it happens! 

See, here’s the thing, I don’t think it’s just me who thinks about the future of a relationship. I have been known to, on more than one (or ten) occasions pair my first name with his last name. Or I have imagined a future together; I’ve thought about where we would live, what we would talk about for the rest of our lives or the types of activities we would be involved in. I’ve thought about how many kids we would have, if I would have to drive a mini-van or if we would be those parents who annoyingly gush about how perfect their children are. But you know what? In all of the times that I have thought about these things I have NEVER initiated conversations about the future (unless we truly were in a committed relationship where it was natural to continue those discussions). But if my memory serves me right, in every one of these aforementioned times, the guy has. Again and again. Sometimes it’s really difficulty not to join in on his future planning with me, but I’ve learned from experience that those conversations don’t usually end well. 

I don’t get it. I really don’t. At the risk of sounding prideful, I think that I’m a good catch; it doesn’t surprise me anymore when guys think that too. What surprises me is how they, in an instant, stop thinking that. What surprises me is how a guy can be fine with the pace of the relationship (even the driver of the pace) and without warning have a mini-meltdown at how fast it is going (and inevitably find something you said as a point to blame this sudden shift of mentality on—I’m not bitter, I swear! Ok, but really, I’m not; I’ve come to terms a long time ago that when this happens it’s more about him than it is about me, but it still catches me off guard!) and suddenly end it! Ummmmm, can I get an Amen?

Perhaps I should have stated it at the beginning, but this blog is not going to end with everything tied up in a neat packaged and adorned with a pretty bow—if I had the inside scoop to this weird guy-phenomenon, believe me I would tell you! And ladies, you’re not entirely off the hook…I think many of us have been known to do this a time or two as well. So to echo the words of Carly, why don’t we all just stop it!

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

I'm Tired of Being a Bitch

I have written before in a couple blogs about the concept of being a bitch—mainly because most women know, to an extent, that being a nice girl is going to ensure they are used and discarded by most if not all men. The concept of the bitch is one portrayed on TV, in magazines and many books have been written on the art of becoming her. While there is a large spectrum that a “bitch” can choose her typical behaviors from it seems to inevitably mean that you must somehow change yourself in order to get a man who will actually stick around. 

There are the “Bad Bitches” who are dramatic, loud, obnoxious and all about themselves. They are the ones who have thousands of followers on Instagram and take pictures of their booty to share with their fan base. Then there are those “bitches” who are hyper-independent, who believe men are generally scum and tend to practice a form of hyper-feminism. These women may or may not have some trauma with men (fathers, other family members or significant others) and tend to view men with varying ounces of venom. 

And then there is the “bitch” that I have more commonly referred to in the type of woman who learns the man’s dating game and while the premise is to stand up for herself, value herself and pretend to be somewhat aloof until the man is eating out of her hand, she must do this at the expense of being her kind or compassionate self right off the bat. 

I can say with much confidence that the first definition of “bitch” never has nor never will be me. The second type of “bitch” has been me at specific times of my life as I have been working through the man-trauma but the third kind of “bitch" seems to be what I am most commonly leaning towards. It’s not that I don’t believe in holding my own or valuing myself, in fact I see these as absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. What I think is beginning to feel exhausting is how hard I have to work, how much of myself I have to hold back and how much I have to pretend I don’t care about in order to get the guy. 

As women we are bombarded with books, magazine articles, TV shows, interviews and other social media platforms telling us all the things that we need to do to become the attractive girl that guys want. I don’t know exact statistics but I would guess that there is an enormous amount of both time and money spent by single women trying to figure out the key(s) to scoring a date. On top of that we talk about it when we are out for coffee; we have girls nights where we discuss our latest experiences and learnings over glasses (or rather bottles) of wine. We read the latest issues of Cosmo or the different buzz feed articles trying to glean some sort of knowledge that we did not previously know, hoping that perhaps that is the key to making us attractive. 

And while I am absolutely a fan of self care physically (and emotionally too!), I have been known to spend more than I would care to admit on beauty and diet regimens, clothes, hair styles and products, make up, a new clothing style, laser hair removal, waxing, getting my nails done, the latest books or a myriad of other thing that promises to make me a more appealing person. I’ve practiced being a bitch even. 

And ya know what? I’m still single. 

Meanwhile the men in my/our lives are being praised for the dad-bod and getting off scot free. While us women are trying desperately to figure out the male species and change what we need to do to catch their eye, they don’t have to change a darned thing about themselves. I can say, without exaggeration, that I have overheard less than the fingers on one hand, the number of conversations of guys figuring out how they can change to be kinder, more compassionate or committed. I don’t see men sitting on park benches pouring through the latest Men’s “How to Get a Date” book or article nor do I see men spending an exaggerated amount of time on their physical appearance for the sole and consistent purpose of being attractive to the opposite sex (outside of the typical gym membership). 

What I do hear is men complaining about women being too needy or clingy or jumping into the relationship too fast. I hear men talking about a girl being too easy (neglecting the fact that they too would be considered just as easy…ya know it’s that thing where the girl didn't just sleep with you—the guy slept with her too!) I hear men talking about the things they don’t like about the women that they are surrounded with, but it’s only a select few that seem to understand themselves to be the common denominator in relationships and take the time to look at themselves. 

I am certainly not saying that men are the problem and women are not, or vice versa. We each play our own role in this phenomenon. Looking back at my own experiences I would say there were many times where I acted in ways or said certain things that could have been off-putting; if the same things had been said or done to me it may have raised a couple flags in my mind. But there are a handful of other times where I have focused so much on playing this supposed dating game that men love that I’ve ended up exhausted and not really even liking the guy because of how hard I have to try. I even make sure that after every ending of a relationship I take a careful look at myself to see the qualities that I need to shore up on, the ways I could approach things differently and even evaluate if my values and boundaries need to be shifted around.

To be honest, I have worked too hard in my own journey to feel like I need to become someone I am not, demonstrate characteristics that aren’t a true reflection of me or play some game for a guy to get me. I guess I am now coming to realize that I am accepting that if a guy doesn’t want to accept me as a kind person who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she wants but also isn’t afraid to be authentic about what she wants from a relationship, then I don’t think it would work anyways. I know all too well how exhausting it can be to try and pretend to be someone you aren’t—I did it for nearly three decades of my life—I think I am ok playing the waiting game if it means that I get to be myself. 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Good isn't Good Enough

Now that it’s August I have finally come to terms with the fact that my birthday, in July, means that I am now a year older. I still don’t think I am old (and I actually do enjoy being in my 30’s!) but I do remember when I was in high school thinking that a person in their 30’s was nearly ancient! Truth be told, however, birthdays aren’t really my favorite. I’m not one of those people who likes to make a huge deal out of the day (or week…or month…) but I can count on one hand, well, actually one finger, how many birthday celebrations I have had that were quite special. 

I always get a little bit panicky around my birthday. I think about all of the things that I used to imagine would have been happening in my life by this point. I suddenly start to notice the pictures that my friends from high school are posting on Facebook with them and their five children and wonder if maybe I should at least buy a plant to take care of! And while this year it was a lot less than in past years, I tend to lament a little bit that I am one year older without a romantic relationship that is meaningful and long-lasting. I seriously considered re-opening my match.com account on my birthday just to feel like I was making some sort of progress in the relationship arena. 

While I ultimately decided to spend that money on a massage and pedicure rather than my subscription to a dating site, I must admit that I did spend too much time than was necessary on my birthday swiping away on Tinder. The problem was, however, that after swiping left (which means I’m not interested) in roughly 50 guys, I found myself not only bored but actually a bit frustrated at myself. I could have blamed it on a poor selection of guys, but in reality the frustration came from trying to use Tinder as a band-aid or quick fix rather than dealing with the real issue at hand. 

And the real issue at hand? I am sick of dating good guys. 

I want to be with someone great. 

As I have continued to do my own work, sift through problems and invite change into my life (even if it is painful for a time), I have really started to like love what I see. I certainly am not trying to toot my own horn but I am proud of the things that I have accomplished personally and professionally. I am incredibly grateful for the experiences in my life that have allowed the opportunity of growth. I feel blessed that I have been able to discover what I truly believe and to live a life of meaning and purpose that honors the things that are most important to me. My life is not perfect by any means, nor do I think that it will be smooth sailing from here, but I do feel a deep sense of satisfaction for where my journey has brought me so far. (I realize this paragraph is filled with cliche therapeutic terms…but hey, I’m a therapist! I get to speak in my native tongue!)

I spent too many days, months and years in my 20’s pining after relationships and wondering why I was still single. I always tried to look on the bright side an pull the “God Card”, trying to believe with all my might (and usually struggling) that God had some bigger plan that I wasn’t aware of and that there was a reason for constant heartache. And, truth be told, as I continued to grow and change things really did  make sense. I did have greater perspective on why certain relationships didn’t work out. But I was still dissatisfied. 

When I made the decision to move to Nashville, TN—several hundred miles from where I grew up—I knew it would be an adventure, but I don’t think I actually knew what I was in for. What it proved to be, nearly from the day I moved, was an adventure that started with questioning everything that I knew, or thought I knew, up until that point. I was faced with the task, which I actually really enjoyed, of asking questions and being curious about why I did certain things, why my gut reactions were the way they were and what I valued in life and deemed to be the most important. To sum it up, it was no easy task. But the results were profound in the sense that I found myself. 

And suddenly it made sense. The reason I was single was because the person I was meant to be, the person I am, would have never been satisfied with the person I would have ended up with over a decade ago. I would have ended up without a college degree (let alone a graduate degree), with at least 5 children by now, likely homeschooling my kids, probably the wife of a pastor of some rural church, believing in a strict (and abusive) theology and ultimately would have been pretty unhappy. Who I would choose to be with now in no way resembles who I would have chosen to be with back then. Truly God did have a bigger plan—and I say that not because I am trying to soothe a heartache, I say it out of gratitude. 

As much as I really try to live out of that attitude of gratitude (see what I did there?!?) it’s sometimes easier as years pass by to wonder if maybe I am too picky, have a false view of who I am or what I bring to the table or to think about perhaps dating someone that is attracted to me even if it’s not mutual on my end. I admit, I did it this year on my birthday too. It can be intimidating to wonder if the very real signs of aging can compare to a younger woman that will, in my mind, automatically make her more attractive and appealing to someone I might be interested in. Truly, this is why dating can be such a disillusionment! And I would venture to say that for most of us who are no longer in our younger years of relationships, these things are real for you too. 

I wish there were a dating website that featured great women and great men who could find each other and have pretty rockin’ relationships. (And seriously, if anyone wants to create a site like that, I will happily volunteer myself as a test subject!) I have those moments where I actually think that I could find someone amazing on Tinder (despite the fact that nearly everyone I match with asks me if I am on Tinder for research purposes!) I have those moments where I ask that question of what passable reason there could be to still be single. But as soon as that question is asked (usually right after I've swiped left on a million guys), I am able to answer it myself noting that I am not looking for good, I am looking for great. Anything less is simply not good enough.

So, I’m putting it out there into the Universe…I am now taking applications for someone great. Hey, and maybe you should too…

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Finale. Finally.

Photo Credit: hollywoodreporter.com

Finally. The Bachelorette finale—the end to the most dramatic season ever—was aired last night. For quite some time Monday nights have been my favorite. Watching the Bachelor/ette has been fairly cathartic, a chance to zone out a bit, laugh and watch a train wreck happening while knowing full well that it's not my train wreck to have to deal with. But over the last six weeks or so (with the exception of the Men Tell All), I have found myself more and more reluctant to watch it. The show got me more hyped up and anxious rather than relaxed. And...wait for it...I almost opted not to watch it last night!!! Gilmore Girls sounded so much more appealing! But alas, I did watch it and as I sit here and write I feel a major sense of relief. 

My desire is to live life as drama free as possible. I mean, sure, the sheer fact that we are humans in relationships means we cannot eliminate drama and chaotic situations entirely. The fact that we all have different opinions, preferences and values, means that at some point or another drama has the potential to happen. 

One of the things I love the most about having my own office is that it is a sacred space for other people to come and share their stories (...and drama) and then, when I am done at the end of the day, I can close my door, lock it and literally walk away from all that I heard that day. I get paid to deal with chaos in my professional life so I shy away from immersing myself in it in my personal life. I have made boundaries with relationships (of all levels of depth) to ensure that the people I most closely surround myself with aren't interested in stirring things up or aren't always found at the center of drama with other relationships in their lives. Drama makes me tired. It makes me anxious and I can feel it in my entire body. It makes me want to run away, to hide and sometimes to isolate.

Photo Credit: wifflegif.com

During one of the most difficult periods of my life, when I was dating my abusive ex-boyfriend, I was introduced to a group of people who later became my friends. While I was honored to be interacting with these people as I had heard so much about them from my ex, I slowly started to realize that anytime I was with them there was some major crisis, fight, gossip and general drama that presided over the room. My head would literally spin trying to keep everyone’s stories straight, knowing who I could talk to about what and fearing that if I said the wrong thing it would somehow get back to someone who would then start talking about me. The best word I can use to describe it is yucky. In fact, the drama of those relationships had such a deep impact on me that I still sometimes worry that if I invite new people into my life that it will become dramatic all over again. The mere thought of that sounds so unappealing to the point that I would rather just be by myself sometimes.  

[Note: drama and conflict are not interchangeable. Conflict doesn't have to be bad--in fact it can be healthy to disagree with someone, as long as both parties are committed to having appropriate and healthy responses rather than going on the defense and reacting inappropriately. Drama almost certainly leads to conflict; conflict does not have to lead to drama.]

I’ve noticed for the past several weeks on Mondays that I have not had as much exuberance about turning The Bachelorette on, but it took me until last night to consciously realize that my waning interest in my Monday night rituals made me feel as if I had never left my office. Or that I was back in a world where drama and chaos characterized all of my relationships. My head would spin back then and it has certainly been spinning the last few Monday nights! 

This whole concept has really gotten me thinking though. It’s been humbling to realize how many times I do things because I think I am supposed to, because I feel incapable of changing things, because others expect something from me or because questioning the status quo would be perceived as inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a people-pleaser (though I do go through periods where I can be!) but sometimes in those dramatic situations it’s like a car accident that you don’t want to watch but can’t seem to take your eyes off of! 

What I realized last night about the anxiety that The Bachelorette gives me is somewhat of a culmination of what I have been trying to be mindful of in the last year or so. Being in tune with myself, paying attention to the signals my body gives to me, recognizing how I am feeling in the moment, re-vamping areas of my life that feel overwhelming and recognizing the things that give me life, joy and peace. These acts of mindfulness and awareness have de-dramatized my life in such a way that it makes it easier to spot (almost instantly) when something is happening around me that seems to be the opposite of what I value the most. 

Photo Credit: tinybuddha.com

I am grateful for the 6 month break when the new season of The Bachelor will begin airing...hopefully the time off will allow me time to decompress from the chaos that was this season. Truth be told, I don’t foresee anytime in the near-ish future that I would stop watching this show altogether! That being said, knowing how this show has the potential to decrease my desire for peaceful living will now become a sort of filter and may even mean shutting the TV off when I need to—trusting that perhaps my mental sanity is more important than having an episode to dissect at the water cooler the next morning (…not that I have a water cooler, but you get what I mean!)







©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

No Fear in the Moment

Photo Credit: etonline.com

Y'all, I am sitting on my couch and just turned the TV off but I am not sure what it was that I actually watched. From crying men, to crying men, to crying men to crying woman...please tell me there is a resident psychologist on the set of the Bachelor/ette. I think somewhere half way through the show I was like Mary Katharine Gallagher with my hands in my underarms, sweating, because I was so nervous/anxious. Ok...deep cleansing breath. TV is not real life...TV is not real life. Or is it? 

All joking aside, I really was anxious throughout the episode. It wasn't so much because I cared about who was going home (truth be told, I read Reality Steve weeks ago) but because I got it. The anxiety that came through the TV screen felt so familiar. Writing about it actually brings it back a bit. 

From Shawn's consistent need for reassurance to Nick's fast talking and over explaining to Chris' (aka Cupcake) statement of "this has happened so many times before, why do I never see this coming?" these guys are either really great actors or they are actually that anxious (even if the producers set up the perfect storm to get the guys to act and say things in certain ways). I tend to believe the latter. Like I've said before, living with the very guys you are competing with to win a girl's heart over is no easy task. 

The familiarity came not because I've been in that situation (with that many guys vying for my attention or being on the opposite side of having to compete for attention with my "roommates") but rather because I know what it's like to not know where you stand, to feel misunderstood and to feel blindsided. I know what it's like to feel hopeful only to have the other person tell you they aren't feeling the same. I know what it's like to feel panicked not knowing if someone else likes you as much as you do them. And I know what it's like to think things are perfect one day only to change the next.  (Oh, and for the record, this isn't just romantic relationships we are talking about here...it could be friendships, employer/employee...even family relationships.) 

And ya know what? Feeling like that truly sucks. 

Though this hasn't happened to me in a while (since I haven't dated anyone for quite some time), I had a series of "relationships" in which things were great, going well, looking bright and sunny and then right when we hit that 5-7 week mark things got ugly. Fast. I certainly would not claim to have handled those situations perfectly, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that 9 times out of 10, I was cut down, had very hurtful things said to me and left, wondering what the hell had just happened (or even worse, disappeared on...just never contacted me again). A mere 24 hours prior I had been told that I was loved, or that someone wanted to marry me, or the suggestion of a vacation he wanted to take me on was brought up by him, that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and the list could go on...only to find out that it was all smoke and mirrors. I actually started having PTSD-like reactions when we reached the month point in the relationship because I was so scared (and conditioned to think) that it would happen again. 

To cope with the pit in my stomach, the lump in my throat or the ever growing knots in my shoulders and neck, I would search around for something, anything, to affirm that he was at the same place that I was at. I would stay silent with my thoughts and opinions so they would not be upsetting to him (thus making him wonder if it would work). Or, if a misunderstanding occurred, I would explain myself over and over hoping that if he just understood what I was saying that he might have empathy for me and be attracted to my character and authenticity. No matter what I did to calm my anxiety it only seemed to get worse (and I can imagine, off-putting) and eventually he would disappear, leaving me again to wonder why this kept happening to me. 

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Truth be told, I don't know why I had to go through that same experience so many times. I don't know why Cupcake Chris has gone through that so many times either. I can say for myself though that each of those disappearing acts was something I learned more about myself from. Many times on the Bachelorette (or if you tweet while it's on) you will hear the comment "he/she just needs to get out of their head"...but do you know how difficult that is when you feel like you are bracing yourself to get your heart broken, again? Trying to not think about it only makes you think about it more. Trying to reassure yourself only makes you wonder if your version of reality isn't correct. Thinking about all the things you want to say to this person only brings on shame. 

In the midst of all the dating fiascos mentioned above, a wise friend reminded me of a mantra that a therapist of her's told her over and over in moments of anxiety and panic. "There is no fear in this moment." When she shared this with me, I likely gave her the same dumbfounded look that she gave her therapist the first time he said it. But the more I pondered it the more I agreed with. Fear and anxiety are fueled by anticipation of what could happen. It's fueled by all of those "what if" questions; it's living in the future. In truth this moment is the [only] moment we are in. And since we are already in it, living it, experiencing it, there can be no fear. We cannot anticipate what's going to happen right now during the moment we are currently in. 

When I started to truly accept that and believe that I was able to breathe in the current moment, offer compassion to myself and empowered me to know that I had made it through this many times before, I was a strong woman and if it happened again, I would make it then too. Staying in the moment kept me open to the possibility of a relationship, allowed me to nurture myself and kept me from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he had contacted me. It didn't solve all the problems but it did allow the problems to be solved. 

So, to Cupcake Chris, Shawn, Nick, the entire Bachelor Nation, to you and to me, let's remember, there is no fear in this moment. 

Live it. 

I'm off to get a massage... 

©Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved. 

Girls who have their $*!# together

I’m starting to feel like a broken record every week as I do my “Therapeutic Bachelorette Recaps” as I talk about the insane amount of drama on this season. If someone knows who I can contact to be the show’s therapist, please let me know; I would

Photo Credit: USWeekly.com

love to know what is going through the men’s heads as they say and do certain things! Weeding through the drama to find some sort of redeemable and universal relationship lesson has been no easy task but after sleeping on it there was something very familiar about last night’s episode that I have experienced many times in my adventure of dating—and I could guess that many of you have too. 

First, let me introduce you to Ian. Since night one  he has made it very clear that he was on the show for Kaitlyn (and not Britt). As he tells us his backstory that got him to this point, I think most of America’s hearts melted as we heard about a tragic accident he had with a prognosis of never being able to walk again (and he now runs marathons), quite the impeccable resume, graduated Princeton, used to model, is a good looking guy for sure and seems incredibly genuine and interested in finding someone to spend his life with. But despite all these accolades, Ian seems to fall into the background each episode. We see him and hear him from time to time, but the drama of the house has either severely overshadowed him or he has made it a point to hang back (or both). Nevertheless, Ian is painted as a guy who is there for, pardon the cliche, “the right reasons”. 

Well, until last night. 

Ian has finally had enough of this “in the background stuff” and lets production know that he is never the guy who hangs in the back of the pack. He’s confident, charming, can get any girl he wants (and even goes so far to say as he has a lot of sex with a lot of girls) and reiterates his resume, education, accolades and the fact that he has defied death. We hear from him that Kaitlyn is only half as hot as his ex-girlfriend and that he would be a perfect candidate for the next Bachelor.(Click the link for the video/his statements...it's pretty crazy!) In the final scene of the episode last night we see Ian asking Kaitlyn to talk at the Cocktail Party (before the Rose Ceremony) and he lays into her. He tells Kaitlyn that he expected to come into this situation with someone who was shattered and had just had her heart broken rather than looking for someone to ‘plow her field’ (bringing in a joke that she made from last season), that she was a shallow person and didn’t go beneath the surface, that he didn’t trust her or her intentions and was just there to make out with a bunch of guys. And then…To Be Continued. 

As I picked my jaw up off the floor and tried to process through what just happened, words would just not come to me. Normally after the show is over I filter through the different things that I could possibly write about but not last night…last night I had to shove it under the rug per say and start reading a lighthearted book before I went to bed! As I was on my way to my office this morning it suddenly hit me that the reason I was so stunned by these accusations towards Kaitlyn from Ian is because I have had, on multiple occasions, things like that said to me. 

Photo Credit: thinkpynk.com

There’s this interesting thing about being single after 30—if we’ve been diligent we have likely gone to school and have a degree or two under our belts. We have likely established ourselves in our careers. We’ve probably been around the block a time or two with less than great relationships and learned how to pick ourselves back up, grieve, come to a place of acceptance and even learn from our mistakes in order to make us a better person. Maybe we have even had some great relationships that show us what we want. Perhaps we have done our own self work, we likely have our finances in order, we have learned to minimize the baggage we bring into relationships and started to understand what our triggers are, the things that are the most valuable to us and have thoughts and opinions on how life should be. We have learned how to be self-sufficient and independent and determined the difference between needing a partner and wanting a partner. It’s not that you can’t have those things before you are in your 30’s, it’s just that most of the time these things come with the territory of being in your 30’s (and above) and single (or single again). 

What I have learned in my dating experiences is that as much as a guy is attracted to the independence, self-sufficiency and self-knowledge these also are the things that can feel like a major threat. Ian’s statement last night “I thought you were going to come into this a shattered person after Chris Soules broke your heart…” suggests that he was looking for a woman that he could save, come to the rescue and be her hero. Finding out that those things were not what she needed can be a blow to the ego and causes one to have to reevaluate what the relationship is, including his own role in it. 

Many of the reasons that relationships I’ve been in that have deteriorated have been for those reasons: the guy is looking to be my knight in shining armor and I’m looking for someone to do life with. I’ve had conversations in which “he” (whomever I was dating at the time) was put off by the fact that I could easily financially support myself or that I made more money than him. I’ve had accusations thrown at me that I am psychoanalyzing “him” simply because I bring up something that is bothering me. I’ve dated guys who, after hearing bits and pieces of my story, want to be the hero of the situation in putting me back together and struggle when I a) don’t need them to put me back together or b) don’t want them to put me back together. I’ve been told that I am intimidating because of my educational degrees, the fact that I have built a business or that I am motivated to get things done. Each of these mentions of intimidations comes with a slew of excuses or accusations about who that person thinks I am because I don’t match the picture of who they thought I should be or who they wanted me to be. 

Photo Credit: pintrest.com

When they find out that I don’t need them but rather just want them (which I think is way healthier anyways), it puts them into a frenzy of having to then determine if they can stay in a relationship with someone who is generally doing ok. And what I’ve come to find out is that guys really don’t like that. Ian really didn’t like that. In fact, I would tend to believe that guys might see that as a threat. I think Ian did. And you know what we do when we feel threatened? We defend ourselves. We say whatever we need to say, no matter how untrue or asinine it might be, we throw accusations, we puff ourselves up, we blame the other person, shift responsibility all in an effort to make ourselves feel better (and if we’re being honest here, this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationship settings, this can happen in all types of relationships).

Though I don’t know how the conversation between Ian and Kaitlyn ended (hence the “To Be Continued…”) knowing how Kaitlyn has conducted herself with the guys this season, she likely will reiterate that she is looking for a husband who encompasses the things that she values. And I don’t think she will be apologetic about not being the type of girl that Ian wants, even needs, her to be. Major props for that! 

Photo Credit: thefairjilt.com

I used to think I needed to apologize for who I was, the things that I had accomplished or the successes that I worked hard to achieve in my life. Certainly I don’t want to come across boastful (or even intimidating, on purpose) to anyone, but to have to dial myself back in order to be the type of person that someone else needs me to be in order for them to feel comfortable and competent is codependency defined. Plus, I don’t want (nor do I think Kaitlyn wants) a guy who is intimidated by me or looks on me with pity in need of a savior. 

Be you. Unapologetically. A guy who is intimidated by a girl who has their shit together doesn’t deserve a rose anyways. 

Squirming in my Seat

Photo Credit: amandatalkstv.com

Well, we’re back to the therapeutic Bachelorette blogs! There are a lot of interesting dynamics in this season. If you’ve watched the show for any length of time it’s easy to see that Kaitlyn is a very different type of Bachelorette. She marches to the beat of her own drum, has a backbone, goes with her gut instincts and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone! In many ways, I think there are some pretty desirable qualities. Besides these things, we see her struggle through different decisions. She’s messy, she’s honest, she’s real and she doesn’t try to look like she has it all together, even in front of the guys. I’d say that’s about as authentic as you can get on a reality TV show! 

The season though has been characterized by one dramatic situation after another, and there seems to be no end in sight. Last night’s episode began and ended with it—and had me tweeting to the producers of the Bachelor to do an “after dark” segment (like the popular reality TV show “Big Brother”) so we can see what goes on behind the scenes! (I think I might need help…are there any support groups for people who care too much about the Bachelor?!?) 

So just as we think that things are finally about to slow down and return to the normal level of Bachelorette drama, another guy shows up on the scene and asks Kaitlyn if he can join the crew of guys who are pursuing her. But it’s not just any guy. Its Nick Viall (pronounced “vile”…which should tell you a bit about his character right off the bat.) This is the guy who was runner up on the last season of the Bachelorette (with Andi)—the same guy who publicized and shamed her in front of a national audience for sleeping with him in the Fantasy Suite. The same guy who stalked her all over the country trying to see if she would break up with the other guy and pursue the relationship with him. It’s all a little creepy to me. 

So Nick shows up.. and shakes things up. And shake things up, he did (and more than just my Bachelorette bracket for the season!) His presence literally shifted the entire dynamic of the episode (and the Twitterverse) and literally made me feel anxious as a viewer at home! What added to the drama was Kaitlyn’s own dilemma of what she should do. Should she let him stay? Should she send him home? What would the other guys think? Would she lose credibility? #firstworldproblems at its finest! 

Photo Credit: Yahoo Entertainment

Throughout the episode we see her struggling to make this choice and all of her relationships with the guys this week are overshadowed by this other presence that is Nick Viall. I admit, I had a soft spot for Nick (at times) when he was on Andi's season. He didn't really care what the other guys thought and pursued her with an incredible amount of intent. I can appreciate that in a guy. But he had a creepy side to him—so much that you could almost feel it through the TV...his hidden grin, the way he spoke, the disinterest in making nice with guys in the house...it all seemed...off. Calculated. Like he had studied the "game" of the Bachelorette. Ok, enough about Nick. Nick is just doing what Nick does. 

However, Kaitlyn can't stop thinking about Nick, because she's not sure what to do. And because there was instant chemistry between them. And because she doesn't want the guys to think badly of her. And because she thinks there is maybe a possibility with Nick. She thinks about this so much that she brings it up with several guys during their one on one time with her. And, like I said above, while I can appreciate the authenticity of the struggle it was a little bit awkward to watch. She asked guys for their input, their feedback, what they thought of him in general and if she thought she should respond positively to his request to join the show. If the camera would have panned out, I’m sure we would have seen a lot of guys squirming. 

There were many moments where she asked the men to reassure her that they trusted what they had together despite the addition of another guy. 

And every time she went there with the guys, I kept thinking that this would be one of my worst nightmares! I can't even count the number of times I have been talking with a guy, thinking about him, hoping for a relationship and believing that it could happen only to have the "friend card" pulled, or even worse find out that while I am drooling over him,  his mind is off in another universe with another woman. It's terrible! And what makes it even worse is that I then have to sit and convince myself and the other person that everything is fine, when really I just want to crawl underneath the table and hide. (Not gonna lie, there was one time where I was sitting on a couch and a conversation like this happened and I literally did hide. Under a blanket. Don’t worry, I’ve fleshed it all out in therapy.) 

Photo Credit: niusnews.com

I understand that this is all part of a made-for-TV drama, but the struggle is real people! It’s disheartening to feel that what you have with someone—the relationship you share with them—might not be enough to keep that person from looking at someone else with interest, admiration and curiosity towards the possibility of what could be! This, in part (along with a laundry list of other reasons) is why I would never, ever, wish to be on a show like that. Every deep fear, insecurity and vulnerability would be regularly tapped into and exposed and I don’t know if my little heart could handle it. 

So the realistic tie-in between reality TV and real life is there, but finding something redeeming out of it is a bit harder. Honestly, it’s not easy to stay out of the “poor-me-pity-cycle”. It’s much easier to take on the anxiety and desperation of the guys on the show and question everything about myself and what I thought was true. But I really don’t think that gets us anywhere. I think that only makes us more anxious, more depressed and more likely to sit in a space of shame. Asking yourself what you could have done better when someone else tells you that it’s “not you”, can sometimes be a dangerous spot! 

Photo Credit: Yours Truly

The thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over comes from a little catch phrase  from a guy named Chip Dodd. He says, “tell the truth, feel your feelings and trust the process”. And I guess that’s the redeemable point for this blog as well. Keeping our feelings hidden, not allowing ourself to speak and feel our truth is what can exacerbate the emotions that we are trying so hard to avoid. Trusting the process might mean that in telling my truth I might find that I need something different than the option I am relentlessly pursuing right now. Or it might mean that I need to stay right here and ride this thing out. I can’t tell you what to do, that’s completely up to you. But it’s helpful to know that whatever you do decide CAN come from a place of honesty, authenticity and freedom rather than avoidance, numbing and denial. 

So, to Kaitlyn’s guys (and pretty much everyone else!), I get it. I get where you’re at. I get the frustration of having no stable ground to rest in, knowing that at any moment she could dissolve the relationship for someone who she is more compatible with. I know what it’s like to feel like your relationship is one thing and then find out that it’s not. I get it. Tell the truth. Feel your feelings. Trust the process. 

(And P.S. Nick…I think you might need to see someone about these stalker-like tendencies for women who are the Bachelorette… Oh, and Chris, Shawn, Daniel and Brady, if you wanna do a processing group therapy here in Nashville, I would be happy to facilitate!)

© 2015. Lainey Dreson. All Rights Reserved. 

Premature Word Vomit

In so many ways I feel like, even three episodes in, the Bachelorette is proving to be even more drama filled than the Bachelor--ya know the show when 20 women are vying after the same man's heart? I never thought it was possible, but I think we are all in for a surprise! I guess I have underestimated the drama that can ensue when the male ego is at stake! It's a no-holds-barred game of gossip, back stabbing, playing the victim card and resembling a teenage girl when love (or 15 minutes of fame) is on the line for the men of the Bachelorette!

I know, full well, that the show is scripted and that it's not a realistic interpretation or situation in which relationships are born and nurtured...all you need to do is look at the success rate of the show to figure that out. But I also know that even on a show where contracts are signed and you must agree to however the producers what to edit your 'character', you still have a choice of what to say or how much to say. No one is forcing words and stories out of your mouth. 

As I sat and watched the Bachelorette last night and heard these guys pour out their hearts, their traumas, their losses and their passions, despite the lack of an open bar and a camera crew in my face I almost felt like we were peering in on my dating life (ok, ok...there were other differences too...I don't have a hair or make up team, I don't have 20 guys waiting for me in the next room when I am done taking to someone else nor do I have unlimited access to exotic and amazing dates...to name a few things). What I mean though is watching those guys open up so fast about so much felt like every date that I have been on in the past few months. 

I call it my Jedi Mind Trick...some people wish they had super powers of being able to fly or teleport...or to, like Mel Gibson on "What Women Want", get inside a woman's head to know what she is thinking. I have this super power of looking at a guy, listening to a guy or even being in the same room as a guy and I somehow end up in a conversation that ends with me knowing about their crazy ex wife, their kids, their fears or some bit of personal information that, if the tables were turned, I would likely not disclose until we were in an established relationship. Like the men on the Bachelorette, these guys are vomiting their deepest insecurities and parts of themselves to me, a perfect stranger, as they gaze back at me with hopeful eyes looking for approval, acceptance or some sort of indication that I am into them. Sometimes I wonder if there is some sign above me that says "please, tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets (even if I just met you in the check frozen fruit aisle at Kroger)". (And yes, that actually has happened.)

I have often wondered if this is a new fangled tactic to get into my pants...perhaps the old pick up lines and sweet nothings being whispered into my ears are no longer cutting it. Perhaps guys have finally hear women's desires for an emotional connection before a physical connection and this is their attempt. Perhaps they think that by spilling their story I, or the Bachelorette, will get swept up in what they are saying and desire to move the relationship to the next, physical, level. (Never mind the fact that when a girl emotionally dumps on a guy when she first meets him it's his cue to run away...and rightfully so!) Regardless, I don't think the guys I have been dating have some producer whispering in their ear what to tell me to encourage some hasty emotional connection. 

I wish I could say that I have come to some definite conclusion on why this is. It gives me comfort at

least to know that it's not just the guys that I date that do it--the guys on the Bachelorette do it too. And of course as soon as I say that I am immediately called back to a myriad of memories in which I have done that as well. No cameras around, no producer coaxing me with questions, but rather a girl who is hopeful and shares way too much with a guy she has just met. A girl who just wants to be known. A girl who hopes that the guy who sits in front of her is maybe different than the rest. Maybe someone she can trust, someone who will take her into consideration, someone who will connect to her story, see her for who she truly is and fall in love with her heart. 

There is this part of me that believes that not all guys exclusively and only have the intent of having sex with a girl. Call it naive or having the wool pulled over my eyes but I have to believe there are some guys out there who prematurely word vomit because they too want to be known and loved by another. Sometimes it seems like men and women aren't so incredibly different after all...

© Lainey Dreson. 2015. All Rights Reserved

Enjoying Apathy

There isn't a doubt in my mind that I would like to be in a relationship—a long term, healthy, mutual and passionate relationship—with a man. Much of my life in the last couple years has been pruning away things in my life so that it is possible to be in such a relationship. But there is this interesting internal phenomenon that is happening inside of me and has been for the last few months—it’s a ridiculously large amount of apathy and disinterest in dating. Though I do not desire to sound prideful, getting a date has never been difficult for me (keeping on is a different story!) I know that if I want to go out with someone, regardless of my motivation, I could find someone by tonight. But it literally has no interest for me. 

I’ve gone through these periods in my life before, but there has always seemed like a purpose. I’ve taken months/seasons off of dating because I needed to work on a specific area of my life or I needed to heal from a previous relationship. I’ve taken time off from dating because I really struggled to believe that there were any good men out there and was actually angry. I’ve even gone through times where I have felt apathetic in dating but even then, the apathy seemed to rise up as a result of one of these other reasons also being present. This time it’s completely different. The thought of going on dates with someone or trying to develop a relationship really feels like the last thing in the world that I would want to do right now. 

I sat with a friend over coffee several weeks ago and discussed this weird experience. I consider her my second mother and know that she wants the best for me but she was shocked to hear this news and said with near horror, “do you think you just don’t want to get married?” I chuckled and assured her that I did still want to get married but there just wasn’t a lot of effort on my end to invest in potential relationships. 

I had to spend some time thinking about her question though—was it possible that I didn’t want to get married? I mean, I’ve had fleeting moments of that thought, and sometimes being married is even difficult to imagine, but generally speaking, my desire to be in a relationships consistently outweighs any of these passing thoughts! It wasn’t adding up however—the desire to be in a relationship but no desire to seek out a relationship. I feared I might be slipping back into my Purity Culture mentality where I need to just be patient and wait for God to send the right guy to my door (like the UPS guy…and I mean, it’s entirely possible since I am pretty sure I have an addiction to shopping on Amazon). Or perhaps it would be like one of those romantic comedy movies where I’m walking down the road reading a book (because, don’t we all do that?) and I bump into a guy who’s doing the same, we reach down to pick up our books, catch each other’s gaze above our thick rimmed glasses and get married a few months later at the local library. 

I chuckle at these scenarios, but in honesty, they aren’t too far off from what I think might need to happen at this point in my life to really think about investing in a relationship. And of course I think about that phrase of “when you’re not looking for it, it will happen”. I’ve tried to live by that slogan a million times before (because maybe, just maybe if I can convince myself that I'm not looking for someone then the Universe will bring someone my way!) but this time it’s the truth! Even the thought of someone coming into my life—even THE one—sounds a a bit annoying! 

For those of you who have journeyed along with me, you’re probably thinking that I must have gone off my rocker. But I assure you, I’m relatively sane! 

What I have come to figure out, however, is that for the first time in my life, I truly don’t think the biggest goal, hope or dream is being in a relationship. I think for so much of my life I have consciously or sub-consciously made this one of my top priorities; it’s always remained as a background motivation for so much of what I do. And while I have never thought that I have needed to reject that motivation, it seems that right now as I live day to day and pursue my goals and dreams, a relationship (even one that ends in marriage) holds no motivating factor at all. 

At the beginning of the year I made the statement that “2015 was my year” without really unpacking what that statement meant…because, truth be told, I had no idea what that meant. I still have no idea what it means fully. One thing I didn’t think it would mean? Having no interest in a relationship! But to be honest, it’s totally fine! What this seems to allow me to do is focus on areas of my life that I am quite passionate about but have never pursued for various reasons and in this I am finding more of myself and truly enjoying life. 

The coolest part about being able to enjoy life like this is that while the desire to have a relationship in the future is not absent, the apathy that I feel right now is not a mask for shame, loneliness or resentment. For whatever reason the apathy towards relationships is allowing me freedom to enter, with gusto, other areas of my life that I can only imagine will serve to further develop who I am. There are still a lot of moments of 2015 left and it’s still possible that some of those moments could be shared with someone else. But maybe not either. Maybe the saying above (that when I’m not looking for love, I’ll find it) is true and maybe it’s not. But for the first time it’s not about that. And my friends, as odd as it sounds, there is so much freedom in that. Truly, 2015 is seeming to be my year!