Lessons From a Cruise Ship Singer

Once again the Bachelor has provided some great fodder to think about. While the show is generally pretty comical if you listen closely, every now and again there will be nuggets of wisdom to think about and implement into different parts of your life. Last night was no different and this week’s wisdom comes from Carly, the 29 year old cruise ship singer.

Last night Prince Farming’s sisters paid the girls a visit to spend some time getting to know the girls who were vying after their younger brother’s heart. As an older sister I can certainly appreciate this and think there is definitely wisdom in bringing some outside resources into this process. In their time with Carly she became emotional when she was answering their questions about previous relationships and being treated unkindly. As she discussed the ‘interview’ with the rest of the girls in the house she made a simple and profound statement about her show of emotions with the sisters:

“The things you become emotional about are the things that are most important.”

Regardless of our backgrounds (ethnicities, parts of the country, religion, etc.) there seems to be a resounding theme of the expression of emotions being slightly dangerous. As I continue with my own therapeutic journey and sit in the presence of so many others as they share their stories, I hear over and over just how difficult it is to express emotion over anything—good, bad or even devastating. People seem to have ingrained messages stemming from years and decades ago that tell them to keep their emotions under wraps lest they be judged by others or their emotions would be seen as a weakness. 

I’ve seen this to be especially true when it comes to the topic of dating and relationships. As much as I find myself getting annoyed at the girls on the Bachelor gushing all of their emotions and terms of endearment towards their suitor (which I am sure are at least, in part, scripted), I can’t help but feel a tug at my own heart knowing that it would be nearly impossible to get me to say things like that because of the emotional strings attached to my words. To display my thoughts and emotions to someone, let alone a national audience, would be, at the very least, vulnerable. To not display emotion about something or someone I care about feels far safer and more secure; it’s a layer of protection that I can offer myself in case something doesn’t worked out as I had hoped. 

I see this all the time in relationships—we tell ourselves that we’re not that into someone or that it didn’t feel that terrible to be broken up with or disappeared on. We rationalize the situation, we informationalize (I think I just made that word up!) the situation, we think of 10,000 possibilities for what we might have done wrong in the relationship that we can now be working on…we do anything other than sitting in the emotional pain of feeling something towards another and it not being reciprocated. Becoming emotional about something, showing feelings, getting angry and crying are all signs that someone or something has had an impact on us. But showing emotion is vulnerable. It means that someone has the power to hurt you, to wound you; and in being vulnerable you are willingly exposing yourself to that potential without necessarily knowing the outcome. 

But I wonder if that vulnerability of emotion can, like Miss Carly said, show us also the things that are the most important to us. Things like kindness and compassion; being treated with equality and respect. Maybe showing emotion over something shows us that we really do want a relationship rather than having to hide behind a mask of fierce independence. Maybe showing emotion shows us and others that we are not an impenetrable force but rather a living, breathing, soft human being. What if acknowledging our emotion and understanding what is motivating it can point us in the direction of what we are passionate about in life, in relationships and in the world? 

What a gift we would miss if we shielded ourselves from emotion to keep away the hurt but also ended up keeping out the utter joy and bliss of finding out what is most important to us. 

I Have to Earn a Kiss

The Bachelor season is again upon us, which means that there are many life lessons to be learned in the next couple months through the mistakes (and a few moments of triumph) from others! 

I admit, I LOVE Farmer Chris. Had it not been for the fact that I would be an absolutely terrible contestant (I mean, can you imagine being a therapist in a house full of dramatic girls all fighting over the same guy?), the fact that I hate being the center of attention, that I wouldn’t want my relationship viewed by all of America or having to move to Iowa if I, by chance, ended up as “the one”, I might have considered signing up for the show. Alas, I am far more comfortable sitting in sweats with popcorn and wine on a Monday night trying to guess who he picks through my Bachelor Fantasy League! 

Normally I will write a blog and then let it sit for several weeks before posting it just to let things really marinate, but I feel like I would be missing out on something great if I didn’t process through a few of the things that stuck out from this last night's episode. 

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Prince Farming’s quest for love, the one thing you need to know is that he has been kissing a lot of girls. Like a lot. Almost to the point of awkwardness and it’s causing a lot of dramatic tension between the girls. Any time there seems to be a hint of chemistry or connection between Chris and a girl, it seems to end up in a make out session. 

Except for Becca. 

Becca has been one of my favorites from the beginning. From the moment she stepped out of the limo and gave Chris a hug, there was definite chemistry between them. (I have her going pretty far in my Bachelor Fantasy League for that reason alone!) She hasn’t stood out much though in the last couple episodes as she has been surrounded by many aggressive and outgoing personality types. But this week the viewers finally got to see some one-on-one time between she and Chris during the latter part of the group date. It was effortless, cute, authentic and there was definite chemistry—and in the made-for-TV-perfect-kiss-moment, Becca chose a hug from Chris instead of a kiss. 

After the hug she let him know that while she wanted to kiss him and that it would be a perfect spot, given the backdrop, she wanted to make an unnatural dating situation as natural as possible. She let him know that she didnt’ want to rush into anything physical and handle this dating relationship any different than she would off the show. His response to her: “thats ok! I have to earn a kiss from you” and then he gave her the group date rose!

It’s pretty comical to watch the expression of the other women on the group date as he gave her that rose; many of them were the ones who just moments before had thrown themselves at him, initiated make out sessions and come back bragging about their time with Chris. It would seem though that Becca’s confidence in herself and her values seemed to be of much more appeal to Chris. 

Essentially, Becca is a bitch.

Ok, wait…before you get all up in arms that I just called Becca a bitch, hear me out! A little while back I started reading a book called “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I was hesitant to read it because the way we normally associate the word “bitch” is anything but a compliment…but having heard from a couple other people that there were some good concepts in there, I picked it up and started reading. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the book. Well really, I hate it. I hate that she makes so many valid points. And I hate that the points that she makes are valid because of the way our culture has evolved to view dating as such a game of cat and mouse that it nearly makes it impossible to be your normal self in order to get a guy. As Ms. Argov explains, a woman has to exude a form of bitchiness in order to keep the intrigue and attention of a man. She describes a bitch not as someone who creates drama, is a diva or is blatantly mean or disrespectful to others, but rather someone who looks out for her own well being first and sees her value as more than being able to keep a really cute guy (or hot farmer!) In her words, a bitch is someone who is kind and strong—someone who feels ok playing her cards close to her chest, per say, and demanding respect by not allowing men to take advantage of her or devalue her by their fleeting urges. 

Though I am not keen on the term ‘bitch’, I can get on board with the concept. And, according to Ms. Argov’s research, a man loves to chase and pursue—something that the nice girl says she wants a man to do but makes it too easy on him by giving in, giving up and letting go of herself. Apparently men are intrigued by someone who can show restraint, self-respect and holds themselves in high regard (I know this should not come as a surprise, but given the fish in the sea that I have experienced, men certainly don’t give off this impression!) 

In not kissing Chris, Becca sets herself a part from the rest of the group. While the rest of the girls are looking for spare opportunities to make out with Chris, Becca waits and lets Chris come to her. She has a sort of intrigue and mysteriousness that many of the other girls checked the moment they got out of the limo. By her instance on holding back, she states (without words) that she is someone who is worth getting to know, to fight for and that she would choose him rather than needing him. And Chris notices. 

I don’t know how the relationship with Chris and Becca turns out; I haven’t read the spoilers—but I would guess that she makes it pretty far if she continues to hold herself in this regard. 

In talking with another single girlfriend of mine about this concept of being a bitch there is an amount of both freedom and exhaustion that is felt. Exhaustion in the sense that it feels really inauthentic to not be able to be myself in a relationship—having to worry that if I care too much, share too much or tell him how much I like him too soon that he will be driven away (by my “overbearing personality”). It’s exhausting to have to be so calculated: not invite him to your house until a certain point, wait a certain number of dates to increase physical affection, watch the clock and give yourself a chunk of time in between communications. And it’s exhausting to have to be the one who has to keep all these concepts at the front of your mind and make sure they are implemented seamlessly, especially when it seems like the guy has freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and can snatch us up whenever he finally decides to land? Since when did playing the bitch card become the norm? 

But as much as I want to rebel against all of these concepts, I do have to acknowledge that this is the unfortunate reality of how we live and how we date. I don’t like it; I’m not required to like it. But I do need to do something with it. And that is where the freedom part comes in. I know these things now, and despite my aversion to them, at least I am not in the dark. But moreover, it prompts me into a place of looking out for myself that never should have become abnormal anyways. And therein lies the freedom. I don’t love the chase and hustle of dating, but if looking out for myself means that I am treated with respect and honor, then I win. It might be really difficult to not invite someone over, or someone in after a great date, but if that increases his intrigue in me, affirming that I am someone who is not merely a good time but someone who is of worth, I win then as well. 

So, as much as I hate it, I guess I’m gonna try to be a bitch.