Dating is just exhausting. To put yourself out there time and time again, only to be rejected, just sucks. And it’s unfair too. Too many times, for whatever reason, it seems like the man gets to up and decide that it’s over and the woman has no say (I’m speaking from my own experience). His “stuff” comes up by my simple presence and overwhelms him to the point of being uncomfortable—needing to get away.
Seems like there is a blessing and a curse to being healthy. On the one hand, being healthy is the best for me (and others in my life seem to benefit from my health too). It allows me to be the best version of me in order to have a shot at a healthy relationship. It allows me to take myself out of my own shoes in a conflictual situation and see from “his” perspective. I think working on yourself and understanding who you are is hugely attractive too. I think self-awareness is magnetic and bright.
So bright, in fact, that people who aren’t used to it [self-awareness—which comes through working on oneself] can only be around it for so long before they are faced with a choice: to look at themselves and be open to the process or to turn away (out of awkwardness and un-comfortability) and walk the other direction. Their life of un-awareness is too familiar, too un-demanding, too easy. To stand in the presence and light of someone who is actively seeking whole health is almost intimidating. Like their sheer presence shines a light on the untouched and unhealthy parts of another.
I get it…doing the work is NOT easy. For over a year now my life has been peeled back, layer by layer. There has been a lot of ugliness and yuck that has surfaced. Years of distortions, repressed emotion, abusive relationships, my own sort-comings…all of these came to light. I guess I was just at a point in my life where the thought of living with this internal heaviness that was constantly being held at bay sounded scarier than one day of the unknown: living in a world where I deal with the yuck.
I suppose for many of those years I was looking for a white horse…a relationship, a new job, a new location, a new experience or maybe even a new pair of pants to ride in and save me…to make things better; by this white horse’s presence all that I held at bay would become obsolete. It seemed though that the more I looked for something or someone to be the white horse, the bigger the pile of shit grew that I was trying to hold at bay. Debilitating seems like the accurate way to describe my life. Waiting for the white horse seemed agonizing.
Typically I consider myself to be a smart person who catches on quickly. But it seems when it comes to figuring things out about myself, my ability to see clearly is similar to walking through a dark cave while wearing sunglasses…nearly impossible. Somewhere along the way though, grace was offered to me and I came face to face with a new reality. I didn’t have to wait for a white horse to ride in and save me from all that I held at bay. I WAS THE WHITE HORSE…the only person who could save me was me.
I am the white horse.
When I realized that, there was an element of liberation…it gives me permission to move forward, and I like that. And there is something quite gratifying when, as each layer is being peeled back, you can celebrate your own survival. At the same time the commitment to save yourself is a commitment to sit in the mire and muck as long as it takes, rather than looking for someone or something else to save you, or at the very least, distract you. That part sucks.
At some point though, I began to notice that when I stopped fighting the process, when I stopped resisting, when I allowed myself to be brutally honest and open with myself, others and God (all things I thought would only ADD to the weight of what I was carrying), a beautiful thing happened. Life became easier. When before I was fighting frantically to keep my head above water in a stormy sea, I suddenly was swimming…and the storm wasn’t as daunting and vicious.
I am on the other side of a season of intense storms and layer peeling. Despite the moments of agony, I can’t say that I’m sad I went through it. I came out the other side a happier, healthier and whole person. I would NEVER trade that in.
Without desiring to sound cocky, this season of refinement (that by no means is over), has created in me a magnetic force…a moth to a flame. My journey has afforded me awareness, compassion, wholeness, mindfulness, strength and health that is attractive to others. I get it…I am (and have been/currently am) attracted to those people—mesmerized by some unexplainable force. But just like at some point their energy became intimidating (for I knew that they had something I didn’t, and didn’t know if I was strong enough to go after), mine can become intimidating too (though THEY nor I never meant it to be that).
For me, I have seen this intimidating most clearly in the arena of dating.
It’s a rare occurrence to sit in front of a person and not be enamored with how they can articulate themselves and show up with a level of authenticity and vulnerability. It’s instantly attractive (albeit, of course there are those occasions when personalities simply don’t click). For the Self-Aware person this is just another day in which they show up as themselves. For the person who hasn’t put the time and effort in (we’ll call him the “Unaware”) - this day is not just another day, but rather a day set apart as they have come into contact with someone unlike they have ever met (and in their ignorance/innocence, they truly mean it!)
And so the Unaware becomes excited. Finally his search for love has led somewhere—the sun is bright, the flowers are unusually beautiful smelling and all is right with the world. But only for a minute. We all know that the more time you spend with someone the more of your self comes out. This is true regardless if you are Aware or Unaware. The problem arises when Aware continues to show up as her authentic self—being real about the past, present and future (which takes mega courage and vulnerability), never wavering from her initial steadiness of character. The Unaware shows more of himself too, but in his ‘showing of self’ to the Aware person, he suddenly realizes the light she shines with her mere presence exposes some unfavorable parts in him. It seems only a matter of time until her Aware/light/presence, unknowingly “forces” the Unaware to deal or to run.
Too often the Unaware chooses to run.
It hasn’t been until recently that I have been able to actually call out this process…to recognize it for what it is. As someone who seeks after Self-Awareness, I am also aware of when I slip on the Victim Mask, but there comes a point when I can accept responsibility for my part in it and then give “him” the responsibility that is his.
My responsibility is not to make him aware. My responsibility is to live every day committed to being the best version of myself. If that version (of an Aware-me) causes dissonance in his life, my responsibility remains to me and truly living out of the fullness of who I am rather than watering it down in order to make it more comfortable for him.
Effort like this does not come without potential pain and heartbreak. It takes great courage and bravery. No matter what the outcome though, when I am living out of my highest value of self, there is never room for regret.
Shine on.
