A couple months ago I wrote a post featuring one of my favorite contestants on this season of the Bachelorette, Becca. She stood out to me because of her high value of herself and wanting to make sure that regardless of the outcome of the relationship with the Bachelor she stayed true to herself. In the blog I called Becca a bitch—with the definition of bitch being quite different than what you and I think of! In Sherry Argov’s book “Why Men Love Bitches” a bitch is described as someone who is strong yet kind; someone who does not put more merit on what others think of her than what she thinks of herself.
So, between Becca’s example and agreeing with some of the comments in Ms. Argov’s book, I decided that this was something I was going to try with men. In my own life I have been working on ensuring that I see myself as valuable, worthy and with honor first—and then expecting that from others (in all types of relationships). Throughout my experiences dating I have developed a list of what I would consider red flags—comments or situations that, in my mind, warrant at the very least a pause for consideration, but likely just ceasing contact altogether. (My Red Flags are outlined in the picture to the right).
I’ve gone back and forth on how to handle when these red flags up, but as I have continued dating various people, learning about myself and observing others in a relationship, I have come to realize that if one of these red flags are present it’s not likely that any sort of a healthy relationship could emerge. I am all for giving people second chances too—but as I think you can see from what my red flags are, if someone were to do one of these things I might question if they are even worthy of a second chance. The more I reflected on it, the clearer it became to me that if one of these red flags were present it was already evidence that he showed a lack of respect for me and I had the responsibility to, despite his actions or words, respect myself and cease contact/communication.
With all of this ‘outlined’ for me and knowing, with confidence, how I desired to be treated by others, I began talking to different guys on a dating app. I started talking to a handful of guys; some of them fizzled out because they had no idea what a conversation was (ya know, both people asking and answering questions). Others ceased because there just didn’t seem to be any sort of connection. Some were automatic “no’s” as their opening line consisted of either a sexual line or simply outright asking me if I was “DTF” (if you don’t know what that stands for, just google it). A few guys emerged from the pack though and we maintained communication via the app or through texting/talking on the phone.
And then it happened.
In a conversation with one of these men boys, he made a comment, disguised in a joking manner, asking me to have sex with him. This wasn’t new to me; there have certainly been many other times where I have been faced with this situation (unfortunate, but true!) but this time was different because I knew I couldn’t brush it off. I knew that I owed it to myself to stick to my “plan”. But this whole ‘really taking it seriously’ plan was such a new thing for me that I couldn’t seem to get the words out of my mouth so I instead ended the conversation and hung up the phone. I sat and contemplated what had just happened; each time I checked my phone I saw he had sent another text with questions getting to know me. I thought about letting it slide and just giving him a free pass, but I knew it was now or never. Because we had only had one phone conversation and the majority of our communication had been via text, I felt comfortable addressing this via text (and I may have been just a wee bit nervous). So here is how it went down:
Obviously I had no reason to respond to this, but I was taken aback. It’s hard to hear people make comments to me that the reason for me being single is because I chose to stand up for myself and respect myself when he clearly wasn’t. (And if he truly did want to learn something from the mistake, I think he had every opportunity do so in how he chose to respond to me). I have been called all kinds of things in reaction to declining the offer to sleep with someone, go on another date with someone or continue communication with someone: a prude, uptight, someone who has too much baggage, religious, intimidating, a snot, judgmental…the list could go on. It’s sad that I’ve gotten used to words like that but it’s also a source of affirmation to me when they say those things that I have made the right choice.
But being told that the reason I am single is because I am not willing to put up with devaluing behavior hurts just a little bit more. It feels like more of a personal attack—like an invitation to shame… “if I just wasn’t so sensitive to people’s sexual solicitation of me, then maybe I wouldn’t be single… if I just had more of a sense of humor about sexual encounters and requests, then maybe I would have a date on Friday night…” And on top of that is this keen awareness that if the situation were reverse and a guy were to turn down a girl’s request for sex he would be considered noble, respectful, upstanding and would likely become even more attractive in the eyes of others. Being a bitch is hard!
I don’t regret standing up for myself—I never do. I know I have a sense of humor, am nonjudgmental and have dealt with the things I need to deal with. I know that those comments are thrown at me because that particular man feels the need to defend himself to try and make himself feel better (wait, isn’t that the definition of a bully?) but it still isn’t always easy to hear them. I mean, the fact of the matter is I do wonder if the reason I am single is because I am too __________ or not enough __________. So when someone tells you that you are the very things that you are questioning about yourself, it’s hard not to get caught up in it.
It’s in those moments though that I have to catch myself and offer a bit of reality and compassion to the situation. When I slow myself down and realize what has just happened—that he was disrespectful, bullying and defensive—it allows me the opportunity to offer kindness back to myself and affirm that I do not deserve being treated that way. I am given permission in that moment to see a future perspective knowing that if he is going to say those things to me, sometimes without even having met me face-to-face, that he’s not likely going to become more respectful and honoring as time goes on.
And while yes, sometimes the ending of that situation means that I do sit alone on a Friday night or have to block people’s numbers in my phone, there is a lot of peace in knowing that my being a bitch has allowed me to dodge a bullet.
People are truly unbelievable!
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