The Gift of Loneliness

If there was one emotion that I wish I never had to feel again it would be loneliness. The thought of being loved, accepted, considered, needed and in meaningful relationships without having to feel that pit of loneliness ever again would be truly amazing. Loneliness is a feeling I have come to know quite well; it's a feeling that I have been 'forced' to reckon with as long as I can remember and I don't anticipate I will stop dealing with it anytime soon. And by soon, I mean until I am no longer on this earth. 

Learning how to deal with loneliness has been quite a process and like anything it seems to have vast layers that surface with overwhelming force at very inopportune times. I used to think that the loneliest I could be was when I would hear of the girls that I had mentored as middle and high schoolers getting married and having babies. Then all of my younger brothers got married and I realized that was a new level of loneliness that I had never experienced before. When my third and final brother got married last fall, I had become accustomed to dealing with this emotion and was able to make it through the wedding with much serenity. 

I've experienced loneliness in diagnosable amounts anytime I have broken up with someone; residual effects of missing someone's companionship or just having someone to say goodnight to can take it's toll. Loneliness has come from celebrating holidays alone, Friday nights alone or even from being the one amidst my friends who traditionally has to do the pursuing and planning if I want to hang out with anyone. Loneliness comes when I am the afterthought of being invited somewhere, the "hey, someone else backed out...wanna come?" friend or the one who sees on social media that everyone is hanging out without you. Basically, I've felt like I have really excelled at processing through, feeling and not denying the emotion of loneliness. 

Lest I get comfortable in how to deal with this emotion, I experienced a entirely different level of loneliness when my grandmother passed away earlier this year. Never before had I experienced such a depth of despair and aloneness. It couldn't compare to all of my break-ups, Friday nights alone or brothers getting married combined. 

Sure, I had family around me and people to talk to. Even though I spent a good long time actively numbing my emotion initially, I still knew there were people around me. But when I saw and talked to my grandfather in the days leading up to my grandmother's funeral, the pit of loneliness was undeniable.  I did miss my grandmother and I don't think I ever have to stop that, but it was watching my grandfather break into tears as he thought of his beloved wife of nearly 72 years being gone that the loneliness settled in. As he told stories and recalled events from the previous seven decades what became most obvious was how important and actually essential this relationship was to him. 

As I experienced him talking about, recounting, laughing and crying over memories of her, their depth of relationship was so apparent and so powerful that you could not ignore it. Not only did I feel lonely for my grandfather, I suddenly was faced with a reality of knowing that I had never experienced such a love--so pure, so enduring, so healing, so enjoyable and so steadfast and I knew in an instant how much I wanted it. In the absence of that great love that my grandfather spoke of rested instead loneliness that only magnified that human need for relationship.  

While I have done a great deal of work in processing my own loneliness prior to the passing of my grandmother I had never really understood the purpose of it. In my head and by putting on my therapist hat I knew that there was a gift in identifying and feeling lonely but I've always felt like it's a gift that I have never received. In "Voice of the Heart" by Chip Dodd, he explains that the gift of loneliness is relationship. When we allow ourselves to truly understand, know and feel our loneliness what we get is the transcending knowledge that we desperately need to be in relationships with others; we are created for relationship. Experiencing and feeling loneliness allows to tap into some of the deepest parts of ourselves in order to reach out and cultivate meaningful and intimate relationships. Experiencing and feeling loneliness taps into our fears of being betrayed, rejected and hurt and plants in us a zeal that is willing to risk relationships despite the potential hurt. Essentially it allows us to see that the reward of relationship far outweighs the risk. 

So, what it boils down to is this: I am coming to a place where I can realize and accept there will not be a point on this earth that I will never feel lonely again. There will always be points where even small doses of loneliness may creep up. But the loneliness serves as a reminder and motivation of my humanity, my need for relationships and the joy that I can experience in these relationships.

Honestly, I don't believe that a relationship is a fix all for the emotion of loneliness. I have been in relationships before where the loneliness I have felt is even greater than the loneliness I have experienced being single. But the truth of the matter is that often times we can not experience the depth of joy of a relationship if we have not also experienced the other end of the spectrum--the depth of loneliness in absence of a relationship. The loneliness allows us to cherish and desire relationship that likely could not be present if the loneliness had not first occurred.

As I write this I am sitting in an airport coming home from my grandfather's funeral; he passed away just six weeks after his sweetheart, my grandmother, did. The doctors diagnosed him as dying from takotsubo cardiomyopathy--dying from broken heart syndrome. The loneliness in my own self has lessened a bit knowing that my grandparents are now together again; they are no longer lonely for each other. While they gave me many gifts while here on this earth through their life they have given me a beautiful gift in their death--they have given me the gift of relationship; of knowing how beautiful, healing and what a necessity it is. I will continue to miss them, to be sad that they are gone and to, always, wish that they were still here. These things never have to stop and I can honor the amazing presence that they were in my life by feeling my loneliness and accepting their gift and example of relationship.