#therapistorgasm

Several months ago I sat in a coffee shop with one of my over-30-and-single girlfriends discussing dates, men in general and our own philosophy of dating. It had become apparent to both of us that there was this blessing and curse with being someone who was pursuing self-awareness and it showed up the most in the relationships we had with potential suitors. Like I said in my blog about self-awarenes, when someone who is not pursuing whole living bumps into someone who is, after the initial "high" wears off, they are faced with a choice of dealing with their own lives or running away. Too often they choose to run away. And while it can be easy for people to silver-line the situation... "at least you got out while you could!", it doesn't always take away from the hurt and confusion that is left. 

So, as we sat in that coffee shop, a new conclusion was come to. Essentially, a new standard for men who wanted to date us was that they needed to at some point have gone to therapy or done some other sort of self-work. Nice thought, right? The premise was that we wanted to be with men who had a recognition of who they were, appreciated life experience and what they could learn from it and actively tapped into deeper, emotional parts of themselves rather than remaining on the surface and bolting whenever life got hard. 

Perhaps it was my cynical mask coming out, but even though I agreed with what we were talking about, I highly doubted that it was actually going to happen. To meet someone who pursued knowledge of self with a passion or motivation similar to my own seemed very far fetched. So, I continued my dating buffet with little hope. 

Fast forward a few weeks later to accepting a date with someone I had met online. We had exchanged a handful of fun e-mails and he seemed to be someone that would at least be enjoyable. So, when he asked me out, I accepted without hesitancy but figured that this would be another "one-date-wonder" (can you sense my cynicism?!?) We met at a local establishment for drinks and began engaging in the normal first-date pleasantries; though I was a bit standoff-ish (which is pretty typical for me just judging off of past experience), he was nice enough and at the very least, he asked great questions. The conversation was really great and before long we were discussing topics not usually characteristic of a first, or even fourth, date. I didn't mind though. It was good conversation and I think that's all I might have been looking for that night. 

A couple hours into our date he shared with me a pivotal experience in his life and as he talked he started using words like sadness, guilt, shame, self-awareness, process... You can guess that my ears really perked up at that point. Though still skeptical, I was now very intrigued. The conversation evolved from there with many mentions of words/concepts that are a breath of fresh air to a therapist. I left that date having a stern conversation with that cynical part (mask) of mine, letting it know that it could take a vacation and feeling genuinely excited for the first time in a while.  At the very least seemed to be hope!

As I went to bed that night, reflecting on the date, I couldn't help but giggle at the term that I came up with to describe the date:

#therapistorgasm 

If an orgasm is the pinnacle of bliss in a sexual experience, then hearing a man discuss emotions and his story with honesty and clarity is most certainly a therapist orgasm!

Though we dated for several weeks thereafter, a long term relationship with this man was not in the cards for me for other reasons. That aside, I truly believe this relationship served as a reminder that the things my friend and I had discussed in the coffee shop that day were not only important but there were actually men that possessed these qualities. It was a reminder and affirmation that what I was looking for wasn't so unreasonable. 

For me, so many times I find myself being discouraged or doubting myself for the things that I desire in a man and relationship. I have done a lot of work around my standards and "expectations" in a relationship and feel like I have come to a really great resting point in regards to what I am looking for. But I have many moments in a given day or week or month where I wonder if what I am desiring is truly out there or if I have created an unrealistic ideal that no man can match up to. I'm not asking for a man who cries daily, rather a man who understand the value of emotion and can tap into his own when appropriate. I'm not desiring a man who constantly dwells on his past, rather a man who understands that his past is a part of him and can take from that what he needs in order to be more present. I'm not wishing for a man who initiates intensity and enormous depth in every single conversation that we have but rather a man who is not afraid of engaging in deep conversation when appropriate and can even initiate them from time to time. I'm not looking for a man who tries to get to know everything about me on the first date but someone who's interest is piqued in me and looks forward to (and pursues) getting to know me more each time we are together. 

If I were my own therapist; if I were my own my client, I would probably say that this is sounds like an appropriate list of things to be looking for in a man and that it's ok to not only want these but look for these things. Sometimes I need to pretend I am my own therapist...daily! 

In fleshing out these things that I am looking for and reflecting back on the brief relationship with this man, I can honestly say that my cynical mask feels a little bit less heavy and a little bit more differentiated from my true self.  And while any ending of a relationship is not usually the easiest thing ever, I do think that there is much to be said for looking at different relationships that we have engaged in (romantic and non-romantic alike) and allow ourselves to take from those relationships what we want in order to point us more towards what we need. 

I guess my new standard for men is that they need to give me a #therapistorgasm 

Until next time...